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More from Willow Fennec
I am not one to post my personal life on public platforms, let alone write long things like this, but another part of me wishes to share my story in hopes to educate and support others who may be going through similar things. Feel free to comment your story, or any questions you may have as this post is meant to not only help myself, but others as well. Thank you for reading my woes. <3
Cancer.
4 years ago, my family got the news that my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 glioblastoma brain cancer. We actually caught it so early, we technically werent supposed to know she had it, since she had shown no symptoms then. My mother is a religious woman, so she told me that she simply heard God telling her to go get an MRI. At that time she didn't know why, but she listened. This was probably the biggest blessing, because she would not have survived nearly as long if she had waited.
We didn't know it, but this was the beginning of the most difficult journey of our entire lives.
I will leave out specifics, and honestly the last 4 years have been quite a blur. It started out with typical treatments; surgeries, chemo, radiation, etc. and they worked for a while, the treatments were so hard on my mom. Constantly getting sick, throwing up, started to feel better just to take another pill and drown in sickness again, for over 2 years. She has had several scans, multiple brain surgeries (that she had to be awake for a portion of, by the way) and countless doctor's visits. It was extremely tough, but we endured it all as a family. about 2 and 1/2 years into this difficult journey, the treatments were no longer working. The cancer was growing in the left frontal lobe of the brain which effects communication and motor functions.
we were desperate for a cure. My mom was suffering with seizures, headaches, pain, sickness from the treatments, and depression. We thought we tried everything but to no avail. we were all lost. My mom was beginning to lose her ability to understand things and communicate normally. She had to stop driving for the betterment of herself and others, which was especially difficult for her to let go. This was when the doctors referred us to a cancer specialist in Utah, who was amongst the top 3 cancer specialists in the United states. The specialist wanted us to put my mom through an experimental treatment via infusions that wasn't FDA approved, but he thought it was worth trying since none of the other treatments are working anymore. We had to say yes, if there was a chance to prolong her life.
For quite a few months, they worked. She was regularly traveling with her friend of 40+ years to the appointments and meetings. We are so thankful for her friend, me and my brother would not have been able to take mom to those appointments without her. I will forever be in her debt for all of the love and support she has been able to give our family.
Fast forward to earlier this year. Despite everything we have gone through, despite all the pain and suffering, all treatments have stopped working, and the cancer is now taking over.
I can't say we were very surprised. It was a very slow progression and by the time we got the news that we would be stopping all treatment, we already knew. As her ability to use motor function and communicate quickly declined, we decided to bring in 24/7 at-home hospice care as of a couple months ago. This will be the last stretch of this journey.
As of recently, there have been countless falls, so many fights, so much anger and frustration.. mom has always been so independent, considering she has been a single mother since i was 5 (i am 21 years old now) and has been very bull-headed in terms of getting things done and getting them done her way. As great of a trait independence is, as people like that age and develop dementia or specific diseases like this, it tends to make them very combative and difficult to work with. Me and my older brother have struggled every day to get her to work with us, to let us finally take care of her and all the finances instead of her caring for us. That has probably been the hardest change of all. She will be a strong independent mother as long as she lives. Despite all this, we somehow made it work. It has been unbelievably difficult, but we are finally able to take care of everything ourselves without mom worrying.
As of current day, moms completely paralyzed on the entire right side of her body, she has so many bruises from the falls, she is losing her sight, and her communication abilities is almost completely gone. The part of the brain the cancer is attacking has made her lose all of these essential functions that we greatly take for granted.
She is very close to dying. We may have as little as a few weeks left with our mother, and soon i will have no parents to help me along my own life journey. I would be lying if i said i was able to stay happy and positive in these last months.
During this time, i have asked myself so many questions. What does it feel like? How does it feel to still be conscious on the inside yet being unable to speak your mind? Can she still think? How much of my mother is still there, or is it nothing more than a shell of a human being? There must still be my mother in there somewhere, because out of the very limited words she can say, she still remembers to say the words
"i love you."
This part is what has hurt my soul the most. Out of all the stress, confusion, the uncertainty, being unable to stop my mom from hurting, from dying. I cant understand anything she says, we greatly struggle with understanding what the moans mean. It hurts me the most that her soul is still in there, but she is trapped by her broken body. It must hurt so much.
She will be passing away soon. She is on her last days of life, she has suffered one of the hardest forms of cancer you can get. Despite all this, she has been so overwhelmingly positive. Every day for the past 4 years, she has had a smile on her face. Even while she was throwing up and in agonizing pain from the chemo. She still smiled and told us she loved us. That is a level of strong that only someone like her can achieve. I hope to be as strong as her one day. I want to share her story, our story, to others who are struggling. I want everyone to understand that yes, life is cruel and so unforgiving, but at the end of the day it is your one and only life. So smile anyway. We have so many reasons to cry, to get angry, to feel hopeless, but is the little things in life we take for granted like being able to see the beautiful sky, to be able to go visit friends and family, just to be able to have a nice conversation with someone, that gives us a reason to smile. Those things are what make life really worth living, and i am glad i was able to learn to appreciate these things early on in my life, thanks to my mom. Thank you so much mom, i don't know if you can understand what i am saying anymore, but i hope you know that i love you too. Thank you.
This is about where this journey ends, but it doesn't mean the story is over. Although my moms life is ending, she has given me a reason to keep fighting for my own. Yes, i did not expect my life to be so extremely hard, but one life is all we get, and there is nothing else we can do but smile and appreciate every little blessing through the sea of uncertainty. Although this journey doesn't have a good ending, i hope my experience helps others to appreciate life and encourages others to keep making new journeys. Thank you to those who read my extremely long life story of my woes. All i can say now is
Just keep smiling. :)
-Willow
Cancer.
4 years ago, my family got the news that my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 glioblastoma brain cancer. We actually caught it so early, we technically werent supposed to know she had it, since she had shown no symptoms then. My mother is a religious woman, so she told me that she simply heard God telling her to go get an MRI. At that time she didn't know why, but she listened. This was probably the biggest blessing, because she would not have survived nearly as long if she had waited.
We didn't know it, but this was the beginning of the most difficult journey of our entire lives.
I will leave out specifics, and honestly the last 4 years have been quite a blur. It started out with typical treatments; surgeries, chemo, radiation, etc. and they worked for a while, the treatments were so hard on my mom. Constantly getting sick, throwing up, started to feel better just to take another pill and drown in sickness again, for over 2 years. She has had several scans, multiple brain surgeries (that she had to be awake for a portion of, by the way) and countless doctor's visits. It was extremely tough, but we endured it all as a family. about 2 and 1/2 years into this difficult journey, the treatments were no longer working. The cancer was growing in the left frontal lobe of the brain which effects communication and motor functions.
we were desperate for a cure. My mom was suffering with seizures, headaches, pain, sickness from the treatments, and depression. We thought we tried everything but to no avail. we were all lost. My mom was beginning to lose her ability to understand things and communicate normally. She had to stop driving for the betterment of herself and others, which was especially difficult for her to let go. This was when the doctors referred us to a cancer specialist in Utah, who was amongst the top 3 cancer specialists in the United states. The specialist wanted us to put my mom through an experimental treatment via infusions that wasn't FDA approved, but he thought it was worth trying since none of the other treatments are working anymore. We had to say yes, if there was a chance to prolong her life.
For quite a few months, they worked. She was regularly traveling with her friend of 40+ years to the appointments and meetings. We are so thankful for her friend, me and my brother would not have been able to take mom to those appointments without her. I will forever be in her debt for all of the love and support she has been able to give our family.
Fast forward to earlier this year. Despite everything we have gone through, despite all the pain and suffering, all treatments have stopped working, and the cancer is now taking over.
I can't say we were very surprised. It was a very slow progression and by the time we got the news that we would be stopping all treatment, we already knew. As her ability to use motor function and communicate quickly declined, we decided to bring in 24/7 at-home hospice care as of a couple months ago. This will be the last stretch of this journey.
As of recently, there have been countless falls, so many fights, so much anger and frustration.. mom has always been so independent, considering she has been a single mother since i was 5 (i am 21 years old now) and has been very bull-headed in terms of getting things done and getting them done her way. As great of a trait independence is, as people like that age and develop dementia or specific diseases like this, it tends to make them very combative and difficult to work with. Me and my older brother have struggled every day to get her to work with us, to let us finally take care of her and all the finances instead of her caring for us. That has probably been the hardest change of all. She will be a strong independent mother as long as she lives. Despite all this, we somehow made it work. It has been unbelievably difficult, but we are finally able to take care of everything ourselves without mom worrying.
As of current day, moms completely paralyzed on the entire right side of her body, she has so many bruises from the falls, she is losing her sight, and her communication abilities is almost completely gone. The part of the brain the cancer is attacking has made her lose all of these essential functions that we greatly take for granted.
She is very close to dying. We may have as little as a few weeks left with our mother, and soon i will have no parents to help me along my own life journey. I would be lying if i said i was able to stay happy and positive in these last months.
During this time, i have asked myself so many questions. What does it feel like? How does it feel to still be conscious on the inside yet being unable to speak your mind? Can she still think? How much of my mother is still there, or is it nothing more than a shell of a human being? There must still be my mother in there somewhere, because out of the very limited words she can say, she still remembers to say the words
"i love you."
This part is what has hurt my soul the most. Out of all the stress, confusion, the uncertainty, being unable to stop my mom from hurting, from dying. I cant understand anything she says, we greatly struggle with understanding what the moans mean. It hurts me the most that her soul is still in there, but she is trapped by her broken body. It must hurt so much.
She will be passing away soon. She is on her last days of life, she has suffered one of the hardest forms of cancer you can get. Despite all this, she has been so overwhelmingly positive. Every day for the past 4 years, she has had a smile on her face. Even while she was throwing up and in agonizing pain from the chemo. She still smiled and told us she loved us. That is a level of strong that only someone like her can achieve. I hope to be as strong as her one day. I want to share her story, our story, to others who are struggling. I want everyone to understand that yes, life is cruel and so unforgiving, but at the end of the day it is your one and only life. So smile anyway. We have so many reasons to cry, to get angry, to feel hopeless, but is the little things in life we take for granted like being able to see the beautiful sky, to be able to go visit friends and family, just to be able to have a nice conversation with someone, that gives us a reason to smile. Those things are what make life really worth living, and i am glad i was able to learn to appreciate these things early on in my life, thanks to my mom. Thank you so much mom, i don't know if you can understand what i am saying anymore, but i hope you know that i love you too. Thank you.
This is about where this journey ends, but it doesn't mean the story is over. Although my moms life is ending, she has given me a reason to keep fighting for my own. Yes, i did not expect my life to be so extremely hard, but one life is all we get, and there is nothing else we can do but smile and appreciate every little blessing through the sea of uncertainty. Although this journey doesn't have a good ending, i hope my experience helps others to appreciate life and encourages others to keep making new journeys. Thank you to those who read my extremely long life story of my woes. All i can say now is
Just keep smiling. :)
-Willow
Category Artwork (Digital) / General Furry Art
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 1280 x 1280px
File Size 2.81 MB
Im so sorry for you and your family, i understand that pain big time my aunt of 87 died a month before her birthday and rn im staying with my other aunt but that pain hurts so much knowing how they are but also knowing they will be leaving soon, but like she always told us to keep fighting to live and just keep being the best you, i go own and get ebtter thanks to her i dont like to remember when it got bad but i remember how she taught me to be stronger but anyways wish you and your mom the best ik we arent very close but if you ever need someone to talk to just dm or whatever <3 stay safe
Thank you so much <3 im so sorry to hear that.. life is definitely full of hard situations, but we must learn to remember the good things because sadly, death is just part of our world. We just need to adapt and cherish the life we have and the time we have with those around us. I wish you and your family the best as well friend ^-^
these are very sad words, a sad story. a sad and touching story that made all our hearts sad. sad enough that my tears sheds more than champagne on New Year's Eve. family. it is the most important word in life, regardless of obstacles and difficult situations. your mom is one of the strongest persons i've ever seen. for so long, she stayed strong, knowing that she was not going to help herself, but that she could help you stay strong. even though her departure is imminent, it gives you the opportunity to say goodbye to her in a beautiful and loving way. spend a lot of time with her, look after her like yourself. loving people, people we know from birth, people who will always help, comfort, should be treated in exactly the same way. every person, even those in a difficult situation, in a criminal situation, everyone deserves a second chance. even though the story is sad and squeezing tears, I think its ending will be a love one. all your age she took care of you, covered you with her hands. she defended from all evil until now, until the age of 21. what a parent should do. your mom did her best to keep you strong and healthy here. then you took care of her, which is something everyone should be doing for parents all these years. you two are examples of eternal love and help. death is an unfair sentence. for many of us. stay strong with mom and don't think about bad things. think about the time spent together, about her and your love for each other. I'm sure your mom doesn't care about death. inside she is still a cheerful and strong woman who would do anything for you. I, unfortunately, did not have that easy. I didn't tell anyone about it, because every word of my story squeezes tears out of me enough that my eyes sting. but now I'm soaked in tears so it doesn't make a difference to me. my parents had no disease, they were perfectly healthy. at the age of 5, a nightmare started for me. my parents stopped loving me for some reason. they insulted me, humiliated me, criticized me. I also have a brother who is here until now, but he also does not love me and sees only the evil of this world in me and is looking for a way to get rid of me. when I turned 8 my parents kicked me out of the house. I did not know what to do then so I wandered alone in this black world for me. a year later my parents took me back home because they were afraid of the legal consequences. at the age of 9, time went on, same for me as for the last 4 years. a tragedy happened at the age of 10. We were four in a car, my parents in front, me and my brother in the back. so far I do not know what we were going for. my brother only said in an aggressive voice that, for something that would stop me from annoying them. At one point, my dad's phone rang, someone upset him very much. he was shouting very loudly and ignoring the road. I decided to take his phone away. I didn't want him to be distracted while driving, because I remember that we were driving fast along such a long country road with little traffic. Dad flew into a rage, let go of the steering wheel and tried to rip my phone away. then I noticed that there was a speeding truck coming from the opposite direction, and we were slowly driving in front of it's hood. I remember closing my eyes and hearing only a bang and then for a few seconds the sound of a creaking sheet metal. the sight that I saw after opening my eyes has remained with me until now and I still have it before my eyes. me and my brother together with the back of the car were fine. but the parents were no longer resembled human. the front of the car no longer resembled the front of the car. the colorful world was no longer like the colorful world.. my brother and I were trapped by our parents' armchairs that crushed our legs. about an hour after the accident, we got out of the car. there was nothing in front. even a single front lamp was broken into a million pieces. each piece of sheet metal twisted into several different sides. I didn't know at that point that my life from now on would be a journey through a black tunnel, no light, no way to change direction. dad was 43 at the time, mum 41, brother 14 and me 10. I spent the next 2 years without explanation, no answer. I was brought up by my brother until I was 16, we were both terribly depressed, but after my 16th birthday he remembered the accident. showed me the page on the internet where the accident was described. The reason for the accident was: driver's distraction while driving a car.. then my brother made me understand that I was to blame for this accident. I caused it, I caused our parents to be gone. my brother stopped taking care of me, started to ignore me, treat me like garbage and something irrelevant. for the next two years, I reflected on this accident, and a few days after my eighteenth birthday, I fell into the great depression that has been tormenting my life even now. I started to blame myself for my parents' death, I only saw bad things about myself. I thought I was unnecessary in this world. I had several suicide attempts, but after a few I did not try, because even to commit suicide I was too weak.. my black tunnel without light became even darker and narrower. my life was wandering then. I walked around the world on my own, looking for answers. what am i here for? Where is my place in this world? what should I do? I've never had a real friend, one who would give everything for me and for whom I would give everything too. at the age of 19 I got a job in a yamaha motorcycle showroom, I always had a smile on my face when I saw motorbikes so I thought it would be a dream job. at the same time, I started drawing and interested in music. instruments, music programs. unfortunately, a year later, everything was lost. my depression did not allow me to work, it did not allow me to enjoy life. while I was browsing the internet for pills to finally gets out of this world, I somehow ran into a friend, the same one with whom I repaired motorcycles some time ago. referred me to psychiatric treatment, it helped a little. now I know there is no point in worrying about my old problems. I will say more. it makes no sense to worry about your problems. that way, I started to worry more about problems other than mine. then I found FA, I met a few people here and my story ends here for now, because I don't know what will happen next. I try to pretend to be nice and likeable here, but sometimes I still have this accident before my eyes. I still remember what happened. I still remember what my parents and brother did to me. I still remember that they didn't love me and I killed them.. even though they didn't love me, they did a lot of bad things to me, my brother too, I love my brother and my dead parents, I cries for my parents. others would be happy because this is the end of the problems with humiliation, criticism, name-calling and bullying. but since I was born, I had no one to talk to. so for me such a loss was something terrible. my brother now lives in germany, he still doesn't love me and blames me for what happened. he is already 28 years old, I am already 24. The accident was 14 years ago and I still remember it today. remember that no matter who, no matter how, the family can' be chosen. the family is and should be loved because they are the only closest people we have. no one knows what will happen tomorrow. will there not be a tragedy that will change our lives. will we survive until the next day. I had a lot of such thoughts and now my style is what it is. through depressions, dark world and dark life my style turned dark and gloomy. I have changed my eyes color to red, I wear mostly black, sometimes black and red clothes. most consider me crazy, others as someone bad, others as a criminal. Deep down I feel like this.. I would like to write something more, because my story ends this way, but I don't know what will happen in the future. all I know is that the past, the accident, the depression haunt me until now and sometimes it breaks down for a few hours because of what happened. I do not know if I will ever fall into depression again, I do not know if my brother will ever stop considering me as something unnecessary. but I know I love him. even though he doesn't want me and doesn't want to be in touch with me, I know that I will not stop loving him. He's done a lot of bad things to me, but he's family. and the family must be loved, especially since 3/4 of my family have passed away. sorry for saying so long and for being a bit gloomy, but I fell into a slight breakdown again. each memory of the past makes another hole in my heart.
This story is so heartbreaking.. Sometimes people just get the short end of the stick. We cannot choose who we are related to, nor can we choose to change the past. This may be a controversial thing to say, but sometimes, we do not have to love our relatives unconditionally just because they are family. My father did something unthinkable to me when i was 5, and went to jail for it. That is why my mom has been a single mother all this time. My family despises that man. Even though technically he is no longer family, he still created me. And i thank him for that. But family has much more meaning than just blood relation. Yes, i have forgiven my father for his terrible deeds, but i do not wish him to be in my life ever again. I am so terribly sorry to hear that your parents passed away, and im sorry for all the pain and suffering they have caused you. But please understand it is not your fault. He should not have been distracting himself in the first place while being angry. I am not a religious person, but my mom is, and if she could talk to you she would probably tell you that God gave you such a path so that you can find who your true family is. A family of friends and loved ones who will treat you how you deserve to be treated and loved. To make you stronger than ever before. It is best to not dwell on the negatives of the past, but to remember the good times you had, and to remember that there is nowhere else to go but forward, towards your own new journey. <3
it's very terrible what you say. it's hard to love someone after something like that. however, I cannot stop loves my family. all the physical and mental pain they caused me, despite the constant quarrels and screams, I can't throw them off my life. everyone deserves a second chance, literally everyone. with my love for them, I wanted them to know that they would always get a second chance with me. people must be forgiven even if they have done something terrible. sometimes it's hard, but you have to think about them. about what drove them, why it happened. my parents aren't going to take a second chance anymore, but my brother is still there. he is alive. I don't know anything about him, he doesn't know anything about me, he hates me and would throw me off the bridge at the first opportunity, but I still believe that he will understand that we are both depressed and we both have to go through it and it will be easier together. there is a very small chance of that because the last time I heard his voice was a few years ago when he yelled at me. but faith never dies. unfortunately now I am struggling with depression again. Hundreds of bad thoughts run through your head, the world is darkening again. it's not because of your story. I just have an attack of despair, for several years I have had it that for several hours I feel so sad, so sad that I do not have the strength to walk. I can't eat, sleep. but talked to my friend at FA and it's better now. I took a nap for 1.5 hours and I hope everything will be alright. depression is a disease that will bother me all my life. I sincerely hope with all my heart that you don't have such problems
im so sorry to hear you are struggling so much :c All that is important is that you are taking care of yourself and that you do not bury yourself in your past. Today you are a whole different Leanthir than yesterday! Be proud of each achievement made every day and find joy in knowing that things will get better with time.
I know we are long distance friends, but just know I will always have an extra chair for you at my family table. <3
I know we are long distance friends, but just know I will always have an extra chair for you at my family table. <3
oww thank you very much ^^ with your words I will survive every difficult moment and every problem ;3 thank you for your support, now it means a lot to me ^*^ take care my friend, do not stop at the unpleasant situations of this world, just avoid them and find good ones ;3 have a nice time dear <3
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