The Rise of the Raccoon Queen
Or The Big Grey Fluffy Butt Matter

A Story of Faerie
© 2020 by M. Mitchell Marmel

(Additional characters by E.O. Costello and W.D. Reimer.)
Thumbnail art by  Major Matt Mason, art by Leo Batic courtesy of  EOCostello



Part Twenty-six.


Winterbough:

[“Truly, it is with a contrite and prayerful heart that I must ask You, Lady from Whose Musk the Shining Land was brought forth, what Your servant has done that he must be forever plagued by a pack of gekkering idiots, for it is the pure and simple truth, as the Fair Folk do not speak falsehoods and You know all hearts, that I strive with all my might to be a good fawn – “]

Poink!

“Ow!” I grabbed at my nose, which had just been jabbed by one of the Wolf Queen’s claws, and glared at her as my eyes watered.

“Does he do that often?” the giraffe asked.

“Only occasionally,” the wolfess said. “If you’re finished honking, care to enlighten us, Corporal?”

I blinked and gave her a flash of my silver-steel teeth before saying, “I need to see what else you took off your attacker. It’ll confirm my suspicions.”

Sure enough, with a sinking heart I saw Dinar take two items from his Elfintory. “A slapstick,” I said, “and a joy buzzer.” I picked up the buzzer and pointed. “Yeah. Your Cabal, Mr. Dinar, apparently includes at least one fur from the Republic of Vulpitania.”

“Never heard of it.”

“I’m not surprised. They’re a long way away from here.” ‘Long way away’ is actually a measurement in Faerie, by the way.

The wolfess was blessedly silent for a moment. "Well, _____."

Jhonni raised an eyebrow. "I take it these Voolp'tanyuns are bad news?"

I gave him a grim silversteel smile. "You have no idea."

While the wolfess had not accompanied me on my undiplomatic diplomatic mission to Vulpitania (see "From Vulpitania With Love"), she had had a paw in the goings-on at Vulpes-Vulpes, and had gotten an earful over the years from SALV Zonya Wetcheeks, late of that demesne and mother of my second son, and we were able to bring the giraffe investigator up to speed in fairly short order.

That worthy frowned. "Yeah, I'd say these people are bad news alright."

I nodded. "And they just LOVE sticking their muzzles in where they don't belong."

"Which means," the wolfess said, "on top of everything else, we need to find out what these little indefinites are up to."

"And stomp them flat," I said grimly. I poked the slapstick with a finger. “These are the usual stock in trade for a Klown, and where there are Klowns there’s usually a SALV supervising them. I just hope they didn’t bring a Pie-Fight Valkyrie with them.” To Jhonni’s raised eyebrow I said, “Vixen, scanty armor, throws pies. Bad news.”

“’Scanty armor?’” Dinar asked. “You mean, like the Wolf Queen’s?”

“What do you know of the Wolf Queen?” Missy jumped in before I could say anything.

“Everyone in Eastness knows of, and honors the Wolf Queen,” Dinar said deliberately. “Matter of fact, Deliverance Day is coming up soon.”

The wolfess and I exchanged looks as someone in another part of the public house started playing a simple tune on his lute. “Deliverance Day, you say?” I asked as the music continued.

The giraffe nodded. “Deliverance Day, the day that the Wolf Queen freed us from the Ospreys and let the Brilliant Light re – BOSWELL IF YOU DON’T STOP MESSING WITH THAT DAMNED LUTE LIGHT HELP ME I’LL CRAM IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!” The unfortunate Boswell, a feline, looked embarrassed and Dinar said to us, “He can’t help himself. Some folks think he was dropped on his head as a kitten. Always tuning and playing that thing, looking for someone to play against him.”

Missy gave the feline a sharp look. “He wants to duel?”

Dinar nodded again. “Anyway, it’s a big holiday here. Furs come in from the outlying towns, dressed in their best. Some femmes come dressed as the Wolf Queen – few guys, too, but I don’t judge – and this year . . . “ His voice trailed off.

“Yes?” I prodded.

He blinked. “This year, the fair’s when we elect the new City Council.”

I winced.

Things had just gotten a lot more urgent.


***


Jhonni:

“Wait a moment,” I said. “According to my info, the Cabal’s supposed to be trying to bring the Ospreys back - with all that that implies, probably – and you two think that these foxes may have their paws in it?” The buck nodded. “Why?” I asked. “What’s in it for them?”

The buck gave me a shrug. “Fuma only knows,” he said. “They might be trying to expand their influence where the Kingdom of Faerie can’t stop them, or it could be a part of their Great Plan.” He said the last bit and flinched, just a little bit. “The Osprey might be one of Alastair’s heirs – “

“He didn’t have any,” the wolfess said. “He was as barren as he was Unseelie.”

I give her a nod. “What she said.”

“Or whoever they’re backing might just be playing a part,” the roebuck summed up. He gave me the eye. “When is this Deliverance Day festival?”

Boswell started to strum a chord, but saw me looking straight at him. “Five days’ time.”

“Is there anyone you know in the city government? We need to warn them.”

“I know a few people,” I allowed. “One of them wants to put me in jail for murther, but he’ll listen when I tell him. But look here, I’m not doing this for nothing, and I’m not a charity. I’m not cutting either of you in – “ The wolfess and the buck turned away, and I closed my mouth as someone got a bit closer to our table.

Real tall, thin canine; looked like he was all skin and bone, and he’d been mopping the floor by the bar while we were talking. Now, though, he walks over to where we were, stops at a bucket in the far corner, and starts taking a leak.

The wolfess gave a disgusted snort and the buck whispered, “Who’s that?”

“That’s Malvert. He cleans up.”

“But the garderobe’s over there,” Winterbough said.

I nodded. “Yeah. Malvert used to be a teacher when the Aerie fell. Part of this building got crushed, with him under it. Hasn’t been right since,” and I tapped my head.

“So, what’s with - ?”

“The place got rebuilt, and they put the garderobe over there. Problem is, Malvert recalls it being there,” and I cock a thumb at the corner, “so it was easier to put a bucket there than try to teach him better.”

“Poor fellow,” the wolfess said, without much sympathy. “And all he does is clean up now?”

“Yeah. It’s a bit of a surprise; he makes more now than he did as a teacher.”

His task done, Malvert grinned dopily at us. “Malvert afford hetairai now,” he said, and shambled off to work again.

I’d been thinking while I was talking; yeah, I can do both at the same time. “The guy I need to talk to is on the other side of town, but I can put you two onto a likely contact over here.” They leaned in and I said, “Name’s Maylon Flowers, squirrel, works for the City Clerk’s office. Mention my name, got me?” They nodded and I gave the roebuck the eye. “No trouble, okay?”

“I’ll try. The Lady usually finds a way to put trouble in my path.”

The wolfess chuckled, and I felt my ears droop. “I have a feeling that my expenses are going to go up.”

“Knowing him,” and she points at the buck, “count on it.”

I got up to go and I said, “Good. I think we should leave separately.”

I was three steps toward the door when the buck asked, “Why separately?”

I grinned. “That way, you get to pay the check.”

One of the advantages of being tall. Good long strides.


***


Ooo-er:

I’m not sure where, but at some point after we walked away, I – I couldn’t walk any longer.

My heart felt like a shark had ripped it apart, my feet hurt, and I missed the feel of water around me. I wanted to swim.

I wanted to swim, and talk Wetspeak, and hug my father and sisters . . .

And I started crying.

Tessie – the Raccoon Queen – I know she prefers mels, but that didn’t stop her from gathering me up into a hug and holding me while I wept. I think she’d make a good mother sometime.

And it’s a pity she only likes mels. She’s cuddly.

Finally, I dried my eyes and she asked, “Are you okay, Ooo-er?”

I sighed. “No, but I’m all right for now.” I managed a smile. “Maybe we could find some fish for lunch, and someplace where I could swim?”

Tessie gave me a grin. “Sure!” So we went on down the street.

It was sort of interesting, seeing all the ways they depicted the Wolf Queen for selling things from brandy to ointment for chapped snouts. “I wonder.”

“What?” Tessie asked.

I giggled. “What do you think people get up to here that they need something for chapped snouts?” Tessie blushed and giggled along with me, and that got both of us laughing.

After that, business before pleasure, and that was easy.

Tessie asked a few people, and there is a river in Eastness! It’s called the Blue Onoob, and it’s on the north side of the city, so off we went. Sure, we could have gotten Kora and Veyt, but they’ve done a lot for us. The ants deserve a break.

We were about halfway there, I think (I could smell the water), and suddenly this boar came running past us. He about shouldered me into a wall. “Hey!” I yelped, and Tessie’s tail bottled.

Behind us I could hear some woman yelling “Stop, thief!”

The Raccoon Queen pulled Sun-and-Moon from her Elfintory and started after the guy, but I manifested my wings and took to the air. As I gained altitude, I took off one of the ropes of pearls I had on me.

Silly dryfooters think I just wear them because they’re pretty. Well, sure, they are, but they don’t know about this one neat trick. See, we Glittering Islanders can work diamond, sure, but diamond’s a stone.

Pearls, though, were made by living creatures.

The Raccoon Queen was still chasing the boar, but she was starting to breathe heavily. I swooped over her, spoke a few words to the pearls, and threw them at the thief.

The rope did exactly what I told it to do; it flew straight down at the guy, wrapped around his ankles and he fell straight down on his muzzle.

Ouch.

That had to hurt.

I landed and put my wings away as the Raccoon Queen came up. Tessie looked irritated and was shaking her head as if her earring was bothering her. “Are you okay?” I asked.

Tessie gave an exasperated growl. “The Regalia – ow! – is giving me Netherhells for being out of shape.” She prodded the still supine porcine with a toe. “Out cold. That was a neat trick,” she said to me. “Great job.”

Our ears perked at the sound of approaching footsteps and hooves at a run, and we turned to see the woman who’d been robbed coming up with a few other furs and about a dozen canines in blue uniforms. I guessed the beagle in the lead was in charge, as he had a plume in his hat, and I guessed that they were Eastness’ version of the Red Caps.

Yes, I know who the Red Caps are. I’ve spent years in both capitals with the Wolf Queen and the Master, and these had the same look.

Along with the same chest measurements. Pretty impressive, I have to say.

I know the fellow was a beagle, because the Master employs one as a fishmonger when he’s at home when we’re in Persoc Tor, and I can also say that Persoc Tor trout is really tasty.

Even when cooked.

So the beagle with the feather goes to stop, but his friends didn’t get the message and crashed into him from behind, dogpiling on top of him. There was a lot of angry growling and a lot of eye-rolling from the crowd as the pile sorted itself out.

Finally the beagle managed to get out of the beagle-shaped hole he’d been pressed into, straightened the plume on his hat and growled at the other officers. He snorted through his nose at them, and they all fell into ranks and stood still.

The beagle took out a small note pad and a stylus, looked at the would-be thief and said, “Now then! What’s all this, then?”


***


Tessie:

You want me to handle this? The Regalia asked. The victim of the purse-snatching, a feline, was talking to the police officer.

“No. I’m still a little out of breath. Besides, Ooo-er caught him.”

Yeah, about that. You need to lose weight, young lady.

That was irritating. Look, I know I’m not a beanpole like the Wolf Queen, or as busty as the Ashearths, but I think I look okay.

And I’ve never heard the Master voice any complaints.

[Note appended to manuscript: “He’d better not, if he values his whitefur.”]

[Note appended to manuscript: “Thank you, Ma’am.”]

The officer with the plume nodded at the woman and looked down at the boar that Ooo-er had felled. “So,” he said with half a resigned sigh, “Harry Trotter. You’ve fallen a long way, you have my boy, since Mr. O’Dor’s Magic School closed.” He prodded the rope of pearls. “What’s this?”

Ooo-er raised a paw. “They’re mine – “

“Oh, you should have seen her!” the feline suddenly put in. “She’s got wings, and while this lady,” and she pointed at me, “chased him, she flew up, swooped down on him, and threw that at him.”

“So,” the beagle said, “casting pearls before swine eh? What’s your name?”

One of the rozzers said, “Ooo-er, she’s a lovely bit o’ rough, she is,” and was elbowed into silence by the one next to him. Ooo-er was untangling the string of pearls from the boar’s ankles, and at the beagle’s direction, two of the officers dragged him away.

Before he could ask again I said, “Her name’s really Ooo-er,” and he looked at me. “Elves Don’t Lie,” I added.

“I see,” and he jotted a note. “And according to Mrs. Watfjord, she had . . . wings?”

“Ooo-er?” And my trusty otter-femme companion suddenly had her wings. The crowd and the officers all went “OOOOH!” and a few brave souls stepped forward to touch them to make sure that they weren’t illusions.

“Well! What about you, then?” the beagle asked.

“You first, please,” I said.

He eyed me for a moment. “Deputy Inspector Les Dater,” he said, and pointed with his stylus at a badge on his uniform. The badge included a sunburst. “Now, your name?”

I’ve got this.

Before I knew it, I had Sun-and-Moon in my paws and struck a pose. “I am the Raccoon Queen,” the Regalia proclaimed, “champion of justice and the rights of the Seelie.”

“Sez you!” said a voice, and we all turned.

The Wolf Queen stood before us.

With another Wolf Queen to her left, and a third to her right.

I had to blink.

The Wolf Queen on the first one’s right was a mel.

Joining the crowd at a trot were two lionesses in copies of the Regalia, followed by a short weasel, also in armor.

“Beat it, sister,” the first one sneered at me. “We’re workin’ this side of the street.”


***


Ooo-er:

(translated from nhrr’krr, or Dryspeak):

:pejorative/insult/^#@^$^@&/emphasis:

At this rate, the prospects of a fish luncheon were starting to recede.

Tessie – the Raccoon Queen – bared her teeth. “I'm the original. Accept no imitations.” She held Sun-and-Moon up.

The pose completely failed to impress the Wolf Queen in the middle. “What do you do with that? Cut sandwiches with it?”

One of the Lion Queens piped up. “That’s what I do with mine.”

“Yeah?” The Weasel Queen asked.

“Sure. I also do pedicures.”

“Not at the same time, I hope.”

The Deputy Inspector, Dater, blew his whistle to get everyone’s attention. “Right. Hop it, you lot,” he said to the wolves, lions and weasel. They muttered a bit, but turned and walked away as the beagle grumbled, “Dratted costumed troublemakers – and put the sticker away, please, or I’ll have it peace-bonded.”

Tessie complied and asked in her usual voice, “What’s up with all of them?”

“Deliverance Day,” one of the Guards piped up, “big festival coming up soon.”

Another chimed in, “There’s going to be a Wolf Queen Looky-likey contest.”

That sounded like fun, but I had priorities. “Where’s the Blue Onoob?”

A few of the fellows pointed. “Another block or two, Miss.”

“Can’t miss it.”

"My advice: stay away from the Yellow Onoob."

“Why?” I asked.

“Sewers.”

Ew.




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