*Is too busy wanting more to comment*

*is too busy waiting for comments to write*

*is too busy wondering if either of us will say anything to comment*

Ok, Aggron. Comment already.

Hmmm....FIRST COMMENT! kinda.

Now to be serious. I like the cliffhanger ending. That's the reason I didn't comment before. Like I said, I was too busy wondering what would happen next. Which is good. Keep it up!

I certainly will. I've already started brewing up new ideas for the next section-- we're about 1/2 through the first story arc.

What do YOU think will happen next?

Hmm...lots of scandal!

*is too busy commenting to comment*











Seriously though, fan-bloody-tastic!

Thanks, Venny. You did some fine editing on this as well. ^_^

Elequently writen, I suppose I should go back and read the others as well.

Why thank you! :D

Indeed you should. I am really quite proud of it. :)

As you rightly should be you are an amazing writer. I used to write but i finished a book that i thought i had perfected over five years of work and i was rejected by publisher for too much "fancy wording". Also i went back and read the other ones and this is a very good series.

Thanks for the praise! ^_^ I know it can be really frustrating to work that long on something and still not get published the first time. The only thing I can say is to keep writing. I've written plenty of things over the years that will *never* find their way to print or internet, at least without major revision!

I'm glad you enjoyed it. : ) Feel free to comment on any sections you especially liked/disliked.

I appreciate the vivid descriptions you gave in this story working all the sences. You gave enough description to put a Picture in my mind of the setting but it was not dwelled apon as some writers do. I ecspecialy liked the begging of this stroy it was a good opening, i wasent originaly going to read all the way through this but i did becahse it took my interest.

Quite well written a few dozen more and you will have a book.

Thanks for commenting, Gamer. :D It's been slim pickings on this chapter for some reason! And yes, a book is the eventual hope with this project. :)

And part or character you specifically enjoyed?

I like the corgi and faerrets the most and the fact that it's like a new age redwall type story.

I like them too. As Vendetta has pointed out, one is short, one is long, and both are deep in their own way. -_-

(another of my talented editors) has compared it to Redwall too! I find this flattering, though I have to admit I've only seen the cartoon, not read the books. I've been bothering her from time to time to make sure I'm not accidentally copying Brian Jacques without meaning to!

I have but three comments.

1. The Corgi's story is so sad D: A powerful empire of warriors, brought to it's knees by a single hippy... :(
But seriously though, the Corgi Narrative feels too clichéd. Savage empire conquers known world, feels bad, gives world back, "and we will never fight again...". It's been done (all too much) before. AndI'm not sure that I like the "we want our tails back" thing either. Just look at my 'sona, he's got nothing but eyes! And he's getting along fine! He certainly hasn't given back the known world, that's for sure.

2. I like the bit where Chib-bib acts humbly. I'd like to see more of that. A LOT more.

3. I don't really like the story as it is. I don't dislike it, but I don't really like it either. This is mainly because
a) The characters feel too flat. Toskun's always gruff, Rea's always, well, Rea, etc. But then again, this still is in the beginning half of the story, so maybe they'll get flushed out later on.
b) The conflict seems too black and white. The "good guys" have the nice castle and have the faerrets and hippy/corgies on their side; the "bad guys" stole everyone else's magic, and kill people to make their magic work. Again, we're early in the story, so my point could easily be moot :p
c) The story itself is kinda "meh" to me right now. I know I've pretty well made that clear, but I think it's worth blatanly stating. This could also change later on.

And for safety's sake, I'm going to apologize to 1) the people I've annoyed by numbering my comments, and b) to Tempo just in case I came acoss as rude or snarky at all. That's not how I intended it to sound. Anyway, that's my two-cents on the matter. I'm confident that you'll improve it, Temp. Cheers ^^

As one of Tempo's editors, I trust he won't mind me giving my take on this well thought out comment. Firstly, you shouldn't feel bad or apologise for saying any of this at all. This comment is very constructive and gives a lot of food for thought. I'll address your comments in sequence.

1)I have to say I've never heard of any story like the Corgis handing back power after conquering world. I'm curious if you could name some things that feature it. I enjoyed it because it had a kind of fairytale feel, surely not the whole story but a really fascinating 'origin of species' for a dog breed we don't give much thought to.

2) I liked that a lot too. Not sure how much of it I'd like to see, but really shows a different side to him.

3) This is a complex point, but I think at its heart the story could be suffering from 'being a novel' syndrome. Myself, the other editors, Tempo, we know a lot more of the plot to come, where these characters are going, what arcs they'll travel through. But on the chapter to chapter level, knowing all that, it can be hard to notice the kinds of issues with characterisation you describe. I think you make some great points, and I can totally see your perspective, and how I havn't seen the same issue so far from my wider perspective. Worth looking at.
b) Oh, I hope Tempo gets to the juicy stuff soon. Because I guess the plot is not at all what you imagine it is so far. Some very interesting antagonists to come in this story, I hope it's worth the wait. I will poke Tempo about it :)
c) Your perspective here is very valuable, and if there's improvements to be made on the chapter by chapter storytelling process, I'm sure Tempo will do his very best.

Thanks, potato :)

You're welcome :) As for my first point, well... I was tired when I wrote it. In hindsight, the Corgies are more of a fusion of the Aztecs and Kung-Fu masters. It sounds weird, but it fits pretty well. They're like the Aztecs, in that they're a forgotten warrior race. In fact, I believe it was the Azteccian women who cut off their right breast so they could use their bows more efficiently (correct me if I'm wrong, though). The Corgi are also like Hollywood's archetypical Kung-Fu masters. You know, the ones that were once feared conquerers/warriors but are now fat old men/ stumbling drunks/ seclusive monks/ etc. Like Uncle Iroh, or Jackie Chan (don't get me, though, wrong, I love both of them). The Corgi were once uber-warriors, now in peaceful meditation. Similar to the seclusive monk scenario. These similarities aren't necesarily a bad thing. But I do believe it needs something... more. I don't know what, but something to add interest. Anyway, I'm not sure how much sense that made. But I hope you can see my point.
And while I'm still in a comment-making mood, I demand that Hollywood's Archetypical Kung-Fu Masters be made into a band! That is all.

You make a pretty valid point. Vendetta Leopard posted a great reply. But I feel it necessary to you mention that it’s hard, preposterously hard to even shape a character’s personality. Particularly when posting relatively short follow-up chapters on the internet.

To some point, overly complex personalities can (as paradoxical it may seem) only serve to confuse the reader and cloud the plot. There really isn’t room for more than one charming characteristic per characters, in particularly when there are so many of them, à la “Adept Paws”.

Ultimately, the story is an unpretentious, charming tale taking place in a setting of familiar medieval romanticism. I’d say that the “black and white” conflict scenario is an essential part of it. And to describe the depth of a realistic conflict this story would have to match the length of a standard novella before it can be finished! I think the plot is abundant the way it is.

Again, I have no intention to affront you. I just wanted to inject just a little bit of realism into your criticism.

Wow. Good job with this one man! Good to see those Chib bibs growing some balls and defending their home. Oh, and martial arts! I love MMA!! And I LOVE the UFC, so imagining a Corgi whipping ass with like a Muay Thai knee, or some Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, made me smile!

Sorry for the delay, I have almost no free time at the moment.

I like that they finally settle down and talked, I was dreading that some emotional impulse would turn the rescue into a massacre, I guess we all should be thankful for the Corgi.

This chapter answered many of the questions I had on the story, many things I had already assumed, others were much needed explanations, and now I wonder where will they be going now. A main driving force has been resolved, but there are still many open ones, Alaster will go look for Amethyst, I have no doubt of that, and the villagers only care to return to their isolation, but you hint at the possible danger of the vampires...

So many possible path, I wonder which one you will choose.

Congratulations.

Thanks finding the time to comment, Tod. ^_^

I'm glad as well. Just like in our world, Corgis are a powerful force for peace and cuddles. As far as where the plot goes next, we'll just have to see. I certainly am not done with Rea and her friends yet! :D

I endeavored to finally give you guys some explanation for what's been going on, now that all the characters have met up to talk. I know you personally had been looking for an explanation of magic since this story started. :) Which ones were unexpected? Also, what did you think of the Corgis?

Yet another great chapter! (I think that sentence could almost serve as my catchphrase by now)

But yes, indeed a great chapter. Firstly, I must say that your written language is absolutely striking. You are keeping a level of eloquence I can only dream of reaching, no, not even dream of, and yet without ever sacrificing articulateness.
That being said, the chapter is really great. It was nice finally getting an explanation as to why the young adepts ended up in Alaster citadel. And as usual the text is packed with humorous, witty little details. “Alaster glanced to his solders, none of whom looked very pleased”

I also like the idea of the villagers from Lagan joining force with Alaster against the Bats. The plot seems to be taking a new turn and its outcome is sure to be interesting.

Keep up the good work!

Thank you very much. :#) Really, most of the talent I have at writing is due to practicing a lot, not to mention plenty of reading and imagining.

I keep striving to weave lore about the world into these chapters in addition to wit, since, between you and TodNaturlich, I don't think I could get away with being lazy about it. ;)

By coincidence, I am starting work on this series again tonight, having finished my latest draft of Sixes Wild. I had about half of the chapter written before and now I just have to finish it up. I'm excited to continue, since this is basically the end of the first story arc and the beginning of a second.

Practicing? Sounds like a plan!

And yeah, I guess I've been away for a while. But I intend to change that! :3