Art is catharsis. It's mildly more satisfying than curling up in a ball and crying myself out. I've never truly suffered from depression before. It hurts. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I want it to go away. I hate feeling so helpless, hopeless, like I've suffered a crushing defeat and there's no way I can get back on my feet again.

The worst part of it is how insidious a lie it all is. I am NOT helpless. My situation is NOT hopeless. The world is not ending, contrary to what my screwed up brain is trying to tell me. I am struggling with my Personal Darkness right now, and it's hard, but somewhere there is a way out. Things will get better eventually. They might get worse for a little while too. Sometimes that's just how it goes. Nothing is truly insurmountable. I have a very, very hard time asking for help. Stubborn me wants to fight my way through on my own, even it it means crawling on my hands and knees.

I am not suicidal. I am just very sad, and frustrated, and isolated, and lonely. I am human, and fallible, and in pain. I wish things were simpler, better, happier. I can't have my wish, so I scribble until my hand cramps and I can't hold in the angst any longer. I can't lose it. I'm not allowed. I have to hold it together. I have to. letting myself sink into this feeling isn't going to solve anything either. I just... I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drifting, caught in tides too strong to swim against, and I don't know where they're taking me. I've lost my purpose, and I don't know where to look to find it again. I'm so afraid, and so tired of being afraid, but if I don't keep paddling, I'll drown.

I'm sorry. x.x I'm rambling and I don't mean to. I'll probably look back on this in a week and go "damn, I sound stupid," but right now I think it's just better to get things out. I do feel marginally better. At least I'm not crying anymore. There's a light at the end of this tunnel. I know I'll feel better once my teeth are fixed and I'm not in pain anymore. Even the smallest chronic ache can really grind you down. x.x Not looking forward to paying the bill for that, but we'll make it work, one way or another.

I'm not really looking for sympathy or charity or advice, but it's not unwelcome either. I know there are people in worse situations than mine, or who have been through worse and come out the other side. I'm mostly healthy (stupid teeth), I have a roof over my head, food to eat, kitties to pet, and art to draw. I'll be okay.

~~~~~~

_{Like this image and want to use it? Check my Art Usage Guidelines for more information.}