FA+
Shop
5112 submissions
The Rise of the Raccoon Queen
Or The Big Grey Fluffy Butt Matter
A Story of Faerie
© 2020 by M. Mitchell Marmel
(Additional characters by E.O. Costello and W.D. Reimer.)
Thumbnail art by
tegerio, color and background by 
Major Matt Mason
Part Twenty.
Tali:
Apparently we were a bit further away from Eastness than the Loyal and Royal Guild had let on, as we had to stop for supper. They were nice enough to share with us, and while the Wolf Queen and I are carnivores, we’d been eating a meat-only diet since the Gap dissipated around us. Oat-cakes flavored with honey and spices, washed down with very tasty beer, made a welcome change,
A trio of the short horses regaled us with a song, the Saga of the Deliverer, and while we listened to it I saw the wolfess’ ears go straight back and stay there. The reason? That’s easy – the song was about her and her exploits in saving Eastness from their oppressive ruler, King Alastair.
The song related that she had vanquished Alastair, partly by distracting him with her “bouncing, bountiful breasts” before striking him down; further verses described how she had singlepawedly toppled the Aerie, killed a fell beast with a thousand eyes and ten mouths, and dispelled the storms and plagues that were destroying the realm and killing off the population.
The stanzas about the ‘fell beast’ confirmed, in a way, my report that this creep Alastair was trying to bring over something from alternity PZZ-2163.
Brr.
At one point the Wolf Queen lowered her chin and started to chuckle. “What’s so funny?” I asked in a low voice.
“The . . . the Master’s going to love hearing this,” and the gleam in her eye was pure malicious merriment.
“Oh?” I confess I hadn’t been paying too much attention.
She nodded. “They say he made a good rack for her to rest Sun-and-Moon on.” We both giggled at that.
After supper we helped load everything onto the wagon, and I asked one of the horses, “What do you need all these stones for?”
The fellow patted one of the stones. “Well, those that had lived in the village ain’t needin’ them anymore, you see. But them up in Eastness, now,” and he grinned, “they want houses, and want old houses made snug again.”
“Eastness is coming back?” the wolfess asked, and seemed pleased when the fellow nodded. We all climbed up onto the wagon as the dray-ants gronked, and we set off on the road to Eastness.
The sun was starting to set as we were dropped off at the guild’s warehouse, and after making sure that our haystacks weren’t starting to fall apart (they weren’t), the Wolf Queen and I set off. “Where are we going?” the wolfess asked.
“There should be a Corps office around here,” I replied, “and when we get – “ My ears suddenly perked as a sound at once familiar and horribly out of place reached them.
I stiffened and pushed the wolfess into a nearby doorway. “What – “ she started to ask.
"Hush and keep still!" Surprised, she did so without much argument. I eased slightly out of the doorway, tipped my head and looked out of the corner of one eye.
“Look that way,” I told her, “but just out of the corner of your eye, like you’re not really looking for it.”
“I don't see anything . . . Oh! Now I do!" she said, and we watched as a Paragon Panther automobile drove past. As it drove by, I stepped slightly farther out of concealment and watched them pass. I was used to hearing high-powered engines, and that may be why I could tell it was coming despite the SEP.
The Wolf Queen gave me a curious look when I turned back to her. "What was that all about?"
"Did you see the bear up front, there?"
"Um . . . yeah?"
"My husband.”
A drawn out whistle from the wolfess. "No wonder you switched sides."
I smiled, a trifle sadly. "No, he is a sweetheart, and much brighter than he looks."
"He'd almost have to-"
I grinned. "Ssssh. No, he did his twenty in the Corps, got out as a full Colonel, and we have a successful business on our home alternity." I chuckled. "Your Master of Elfhame would probably like it. Mason Motors repairs high end antless carriages which have been imported. I cannot go into details, Corps doctrine. I can say most of the employees are good-looking, talented femmes . . . "
"So why has he, well, gone goofy?"
"Lowchan," I mused, "-that is our other mate. She is gorgeous and commands a Corps space battleship called the Musashi. She and I have puzzled over that. One day, Matt decided he wanted to be a writer. He fell in with a bad crowd, and since then, he has wandered around Faerie and elsewhere with those other two. I rather suspect he may be at least part Elf himself."
A raised eyebrow from the wolfess. "Well, considering how those three get around . . . " She shrugged. "I have to admit I've seen stranger things in my time.” She quirked one eyebrow. “But not much stranger."
I chuckled. "Come on, let’s find the local Corps office.” I paused and looked her over. “You know, you need a name.”
“I have – had one,” the wolfess snorted. “What do you mean?”
“Not a permanent one,” I said, “just for walking around purposes until you get your Regalia back. Hmm . . . I got it. ‘Missy Sage.’”
“’Missy Sage?’” She looked more than a little dubious about it.
“Those stonecutters were calling you Missy, so just adopt it for a while.”
To my surprise, she seemed to shiver unconsciously and her tail twitched. “All right. And ‘Sage?’”
I reached out to her and plucked a few leaves from her thatch hat. “Some wild sage got worked into your ensemble.” She chuckled, and I said, “Let’s go. I want to get out of this grass haute couture."
“I’m with you on that,” and she scratched a bit. “What am I looking for?”
“A sign reading Delfurrio’s Tailor Shop.”
“Got it.”
***
Wolf Queen:
For a brief moment, I thought she was a mind-reader. My Elf-Mind was clamped down tightly, though.
Elves Don’t Lie, so I’m telling the truth when I say that it was almost ludicrously easy to find the tailor shop Tali said was her Temporal Corps regional office. As a matter of record, I saw the sign first, and when I drew her attention to it she muttered, “It must have wanted us to find it.”
Sounded quite Elfly, actually.
A little bell jingled as we opened the door, and the two young femmes behind the counter looked up and smiled. Smiles seemed to be the dominant expression on most of the people we’d passed as we walked along, and the city – well, the buildings looked happy, if a structure of wood and stone could be described thus.
As an added benefit, though, furs here didn't talk nearly as much as they do in Elfhame. I mean, when it takes seven minutes to say "Good morning . . . "
[Note appended to manuscript: "Verbose, yes. But polite and happy, unlike some canines I could mention with a stick up their. . .” (scratched out)]
One of the girls, a slightly chubby reindeer femme wearing a skirt and blouse, grinned and said, “I love what you’re wearing, although I think it’s a bit daring.”
“You do?” Tali asked, striking a pose.
“Yes,” the reindeer replied. “I think it’d make herbivores like me hungry.” She laughed to show that she was kidding and elbowed her companion gently. The other girl was an anteater; she didn’t say anything, but smiled shyly. The anteater was wearing a similar skirt and blouse, but where the reindeer’s clothing was cream and khaki, hers was light gray and deep brown.
They looked quite good.
Tali grinned and leaned an elbow on the counter. Making eye contact with the two salesgirls, she said, “Well, you know what they say – ‘A stitch in time saves 8675309.’”
Two pairs of ears stood straight up. “9035768 times a lady,” the anteater said softly.
Tali straightened up and smiled. “Good to see you both. Are you natives?”
The reindeer nodded. “Specialist Lisbet Fjordsdottir,” and she gestured toward the anteater, “and Specialist Dorotea Duarte.” Their skirts and blouses shimmered and faded, leaving them wearing the same jumpsuits that Tali had worn back in Elfhame.
“A pleasure. I’m – “
“Tali Hartoh-Mason,” Dorotea promptly replied. “Hello, Commander.”
I was impressed. So far I hadn’t seen much that could render Tali speechless, but it only lasted a moment. The feline femme laughed and asked, “I guess the head office let you know?” Lisbet nodded. “I’m a little surprised that the head office recruited locals, at least so soon – “
“Oh, but they had to!” Dorotea interjected, the anteater’s tail raising slightly like a flag. Nice tailfur. “The Corps had barely any idea about things in Faerie, and Eastness was a soggy, smoldering ruin – “
“But,” Lisbet said, “a soggy, smoldering, free ruin – “
“Right! So the Corps needed people who knew the language, customs and so on straightaway.” Dorotea smiled proudly. “Lisbet and I are graduates of the Academy!”
“Just the two of you?” I asked.
Lisbet nodded. “We were naturals, and it beat working as serving-wenches or entertainers. There were about a dozen Eastnessers wandering around with missing memories for a while, though; they didn’t make it through the training, you see.” She leaned against the counter, and I got a fair look. If she had been an ‘entertainer,’ she would have drawn an appreciative audience.
"We spent a whole year there,” the reindeer said, “classroom, PT, weapons, temporal dynamics, and training assignments - and we were back here an hour after we shipped out!" She grinned at Tali. "You were our best teacher!"
Tali frowned. "I'm sorry, but - oh, of course. That hasn't happened yet." All three of them giggled. My experience with time-spells is rather limited, so I contented myself with saying nothing.
[Note appended to manuscript: “Will wonders never cease?”]
[Note appended to manuscript: “Shaddap.”]
“Look,” Tali said after a few moments, “my friend and I need a bath and clean clothes, each, in that order.”
“And maybe somewhere to lie down,” I interjected. “It’s getting late.”
“And dinner,” Tali added, and I nodded.
Dorotea and Lisbet looked at each other, and their smiles faltered. “Well, I’m afraid that all we have are Corps uniforms,” the anteater said.
“Isn’t this a tailor’s shop?” I asked.
“Well, we’re still learning how to do that,” Lisbet said, adding hastily, “but we’re fast learners! Dorotea’s got some great ideas for summer!”
Tali laughed. “It’s okay, girls. Uniforms will be just fine. Can you show us to a fresher?”
“Sure!” And after putting a sign on the door (Back Again in Five Minutes) they led us to the back of the shop . . . and I stopped as my jaw dropped.
The shop was not this big, but there was a hallway that had perhaps a score of doors on either side. Magic, perhaps, or more of the technology that Tali’s people were so adept at? Perhaps, but the prospect of a hot bath, a good meal and clothes that didn’t hail from a lake eclipsed my curiosity.
We were ushered into one of these ‘freshers,’ and I discovered that it was three rooms; a drawing room, a bedroom with quite a nice large bed, and a bath easily the size of the pond in front of the Master’s Lodge (but with no frogs). Tali and I took turns scrubbing each other’s backs, and discovered that dinner had been delivered by the time we got out of the bath.
My outlook improved a good bit after getting clean and with a full belly, and improved further when I saw the bed. “It’s like we’ll still be sleeping in a field,” I said, “just a much more comfortable one – “ I stiffened as two paws rested on my shoulders from behind and a feline tail began to flirt with and stroke my tail.
“I know a way to help us both get a good night’s sleep,” Tali whispered in my ear.
And you have no need to know what happened next.
[Note appended to manuscript: "And some of us don't want to know, especially so soon after eating."]
[Note appended to manuscript: "Shaddap."]
***
Winterbough:
Once I got over the initial shock of seeing the Wolf Queen immortalized in statuary (and the anger of seeing that I wasn’t anywhere to be seen), I started laughing.
“What’s up, Corporal?” Fred asked.
I pointed at one statue of the wolfess, this time embracing a cute little kitten mel. “Ever seen the actual Wolf Queen?”
Fred looked abashed. "Er . . . not up close, no. "
I looked back at the statue as it receded behind us. “Well, I’ll say this: It’s a damned good thing Eastness doesn’t have laws in common with Faerie, because all of the artists who made these statues would be sued until the Lady remade the World. She’s just pissy enough to do it, too.”
A bit of light seemed to dawn on the dog’s face. “So, she’s not, ah?” and he pantomimed a very shapely, almost buxom figure. I shook my head, and he dipped one ear. “I don’t know. I like ‘em curvy, myself; some women are just too skinny.”
“Imagine her relief if she found out your preferences,” I said. “Her desire doesn’t run to mels.”
“Ooh!” Fred said, and grinned rather lecherously. He glanced ahead and suddenly yelled, “Duck!”
"What?" I shouted over the engine noise and the sound of tree branches whipping past.
The low tree branches.
I suddenly felt a horrific pain in my head as the branches tangled up with my antlers and yanked me bodily from the car.
Ow! Owowowowowowowow!
Ow?
Ow.
Of course . . . "O Absalom! Absalom!" Fred caroled as Matt brought the car around.
“I've got a feeling we aren't in Yonknapathwa County anymore,” Michael helpfully said.
Fred nodded sagely. “Well, he got yonked right out of his seat. Good thing he can't wear shoes."
“Even blue suede ones?” the mink asked.
“Right,” said Fred. “Either way, he'd get hauled clean out of them.” The car pulled to a stop, enabling me to clamber up on it to relieve the strain on my antlers. Fred got out and opened the boot to get out the toolbox.
Matt grinned up at me. "Let trees take you back out of the driver's seat!"
“Lovely,” I grumbled. “Great jokes, lads . . . now could you get me the _____ Netherhells out of this tree?”
“All right, all right, just hang in there,” and the dog started sawing away at the branches. He at least had the decency to avoid my antlers. Crooked they might be, but I was in no mood to get de-racked.
“Matt,” I said when I was finally cut loose, “I thought you knew where this ‘field office’ of yours was.”
The bear made a grumpy noise. "Well, it’s not like there's a Michelin guide to Eastness!"
"Or Antecor, even," Michael said.
“We might stop for the evening,” Fred said hopefully. “There was an inn back that way. Beer, hot food, tavern-wenches – “
Matt took off his hat and clouted the canine over the head. “Why didn’t you say so?” Fred simply whined and fiddled with his uniform collar before packing away the toolbox.
<NEXT>
<PREVIOUS>
<FIRST>
Or The Big Grey Fluffy Butt Matter
A Story of Faerie
© 2020 by M. Mitchell Marmel
(Additional characters by E.O. Costello and W.D. Reimer.)
Thumbnail art by
tegerio, color and background by 
Major Matt MasonPart Twenty.
Tali:
Apparently we were a bit further away from Eastness than the Loyal and Royal Guild had let on, as we had to stop for supper. They were nice enough to share with us, and while the Wolf Queen and I are carnivores, we’d been eating a meat-only diet since the Gap dissipated around us. Oat-cakes flavored with honey and spices, washed down with very tasty beer, made a welcome change,
A trio of the short horses regaled us with a song, the Saga of the Deliverer, and while we listened to it I saw the wolfess’ ears go straight back and stay there. The reason? That’s easy – the song was about her and her exploits in saving Eastness from their oppressive ruler, King Alastair.
The song related that she had vanquished Alastair, partly by distracting him with her “bouncing, bountiful breasts” before striking him down; further verses described how she had singlepawedly toppled the Aerie, killed a fell beast with a thousand eyes and ten mouths, and dispelled the storms and plagues that were destroying the realm and killing off the population.
The stanzas about the ‘fell beast’ confirmed, in a way, my report that this creep Alastair was trying to bring over something from alternity PZZ-2163.
Brr.
At one point the Wolf Queen lowered her chin and started to chuckle. “What’s so funny?” I asked in a low voice.
“The . . . the Master’s going to love hearing this,” and the gleam in her eye was pure malicious merriment.
“Oh?” I confess I hadn’t been paying too much attention.
She nodded. “They say he made a good rack for her to rest Sun-and-Moon on.” We both giggled at that.
After supper we helped load everything onto the wagon, and I asked one of the horses, “What do you need all these stones for?”
The fellow patted one of the stones. “Well, those that had lived in the village ain’t needin’ them anymore, you see. But them up in Eastness, now,” and he grinned, “they want houses, and want old houses made snug again.”
“Eastness is coming back?” the wolfess asked, and seemed pleased when the fellow nodded. We all climbed up onto the wagon as the dray-ants gronked, and we set off on the road to Eastness.
The sun was starting to set as we were dropped off at the guild’s warehouse, and after making sure that our haystacks weren’t starting to fall apart (they weren’t), the Wolf Queen and I set off. “Where are we going?” the wolfess asked.
“There should be a Corps office around here,” I replied, “and when we get – “ My ears suddenly perked as a sound at once familiar and horribly out of place reached them.
I stiffened and pushed the wolfess into a nearby doorway. “What – “ she started to ask.
"Hush and keep still!" Surprised, she did so without much argument. I eased slightly out of the doorway, tipped my head and looked out of the corner of one eye.
“Look that way,” I told her, “but just out of the corner of your eye, like you’re not really looking for it.”
“I don't see anything . . . Oh! Now I do!" she said, and we watched as a Paragon Panther automobile drove past. As it drove by, I stepped slightly farther out of concealment and watched them pass. I was used to hearing high-powered engines, and that may be why I could tell it was coming despite the SEP.
The Wolf Queen gave me a curious look when I turned back to her. "What was that all about?"
"Did you see the bear up front, there?"
"Um . . . yeah?"
"My husband.”
A drawn out whistle from the wolfess. "No wonder you switched sides."
I smiled, a trifle sadly. "No, he is a sweetheart, and much brighter than he looks."
"He'd almost have to-"
I grinned. "Ssssh. No, he did his twenty in the Corps, got out as a full Colonel, and we have a successful business on our home alternity." I chuckled. "Your Master of Elfhame would probably like it. Mason Motors repairs high end antless carriages which have been imported. I cannot go into details, Corps doctrine. I can say most of the employees are good-looking, talented femmes . . . "
"So why has he, well, gone goofy?"
"Lowchan," I mused, "-that is our other mate. She is gorgeous and commands a Corps space battleship called the Musashi. She and I have puzzled over that. One day, Matt decided he wanted to be a writer. He fell in with a bad crowd, and since then, he has wandered around Faerie and elsewhere with those other two. I rather suspect he may be at least part Elf himself."
A raised eyebrow from the wolfess. "Well, considering how those three get around . . . " She shrugged. "I have to admit I've seen stranger things in my time.” She quirked one eyebrow. “But not much stranger."
I chuckled. "Come on, let’s find the local Corps office.” I paused and looked her over. “You know, you need a name.”
“I have – had one,” the wolfess snorted. “What do you mean?”
“Not a permanent one,” I said, “just for walking around purposes until you get your Regalia back. Hmm . . . I got it. ‘Missy Sage.’”
“’Missy Sage?’” She looked more than a little dubious about it.
“Those stonecutters were calling you Missy, so just adopt it for a while.”
To my surprise, she seemed to shiver unconsciously and her tail twitched. “All right. And ‘Sage?’”
I reached out to her and plucked a few leaves from her thatch hat. “Some wild sage got worked into your ensemble.” She chuckled, and I said, “Let’s go. I want to get out of this grass haute couture."
“I’m with you on that,” and she scratched a bit. “What am I looking for?”
“A sign reading Delfurrio’s Tailor Shop.”
“Got it.”
***
Wolf Queen:
For a brief moment, I thought she was a mind-reader. My Elf-Mind was clamped down tightly, though.
Elves Don’t Lie, so I’m telling the truth when I say that it was almost ludicrously easy to find the tailor shop Tali said was her Temporal Corps regional office. As a matter of record, I saw the sign first, and when I drew her attention to it she muttered, “It must have wanted us to find it.”
Sounded quite Elfly, actually.
A little bell jingled as we opened the door, and the two young femmes behind the counter looked up and smiled. Smiles seemed to be the dominant expression on most of the people we’d passed as we walked along, and the city – well, the buildings looked happy, if a structure of wood and stone could be described thus.
As an added benefit, though, furs here didn't talk nearly as much as they do in Elfhame. I mean, when it takes seven minutes to say "Good morning . . . "
[Note appended to manuscript: "Verbose, yes. But polite and happy, unlike some canines I could mention with a stick up their. . .” (scratched out)]
One of the girls, a slightly chubby reindeer femme wearing a skirt and blouse, grinned and said, “I love what you’re wearing, although I think it’s a bit daring.”
“You do?” Tali asked, striking a pose.
“Yes,” the reindeer replied. “I think it’d make herbivores like me hungry.” She laughed to show that she was kidding and elbowed her companion gently. The other girl was an anteater; she didn’t say anything, but smiled shyly. The anteater was wearing a similar skirt and blouse, but where the reindeer’s clothing was cream and khaki, hers was light gray and deep brown.
They looked quite good.
Tali grinned and leaned an elbow on the counter. Making eye contact with the two salesgirls, she said, “Well, you know what they say – ‘A stitch in time saves 8675309.’”
Two pairs of ears stood straight up. “9035768 times a lady,” the anteater said softly.
Tali straightened up and smiled. “Good to see you both. Are you natives?”
The reindeer nodded. “Specialist Lisbet Fjordsdottir,” and she gestured toward the anteater, “and Specialist Dorotea Duarte.” Their skirts and blouses shimmered and faded, leaving them wearing the same jumpsuits that Tali had worn back in Elfhame.
“A pleasure. I’m – “
“Tali Hartoh-Mason,” Dorotea promptly replied. “Hello, Commander.”
I was impressed. So far I hadn’t seen much that could render Tali speechless, but it only lasted a moment. The feline femme laughed and asked, “I guess the head office let you know?” Lisbet nodded. “I’m a little surprised that the head office recruited locals, at least so soon – “
“Oh, but they had to!” Dorotea interjected, the anteater’s tail raising slightly like a flag. Nice tailfur. “The Corps had barely any idea about things in Faerie, and Eastness was a soggy, smoldering ruin – “
“But,” Lisbet said, “a soggy, smoldering, free ruin – “
“Right! So the Corps needed people who knew the language, customs and so on straightaway.” Dorotea smiled proudly. “Lisbet and I are graduates of the Academy!”
“Just the two of you?” I asked.
Lisbet nodded. “We were naturals, and it beat working as serving-wenches or entertainers. There were about a dozen Eastnessers wandering around with missing memories for a while, though; they didn’t make it through the training, you see.” She leaned against the counter, and I got a fair look. If she had been an ‘entertainer,’ she would have drawn an appreciative audience.
"We spent a whole year there,” the reindeer said, “classroom, PT, weapons, temporal dynamics, and training assignments - and we were back here an hour after we shipped out!" She grinned at Tali. "You were our best teacher!"
Tali frowned. "I'm sorry, but - oh, of course. That hasn't happened yet." All three of them giggled. My experience with time-spells is rather limited, so I contented myself with saying nothing.
[Note appended to manuscript: “Will wonders never cease?”]
[Note appended to manuscript: “Shaddap.”]
“Look,” Tali said after a few moments, “my friend and I need a bath and clean clothes, each, in that order.”
“And maybe somewhere to lie down,” I interjected. “It’s getting late.”
“And dinner,” Tali added, and I nodded.
Dorotea and Lisbet looked at each other, and their smiles faltered. “Well, I’m afraid that all we have are Corps uniforms,” the anteater said.
“Isn’t this a tailor’s shop?” I asked.
“Well, we’re still learning how to do that,” Lisbet said, adding hastily, “but we’re fast learners! Dorotea’s got some great ideas for summer!”
Tali laughed. “It’s okay, girls. Uniforms will be just fine. Can you show us to a fresher?”
“Sure!” And after putting a sign on the door (Back Again in Five Minutes) they led us to the back of the shop . . . and I stopped as my jaw dropped.
The shop was not this big, but there was a hallway that had perhaps a score of doors on either side. Magic, perhaps, or more of the technology that Tali’s people were so adept at? Perhaps, but the prospect of a hot bath, a good meal and clothes that didn’t hail from a lake eclipsed my curiosity.
We were ushered into one of these ‘freshers,’ and I discovered that it was three rooms; a drawing room, a bedroom with quite a nice large bed, and a bath easily the size of the pond in front of the Master’s Lodge (but with no frogs). Tali and I took turns scrubbing each other’s backs, and discovered that dinner had been delivered by the time we got out of the bath.
My outlook improved a good bit after getting clean and with a full belly, and improved further when I saw the bed. “It’s like we’ll still be sleeping in a field,” I said, “just a much more comfortable one – “ I stiffened as two paws rested on my shoulders from behind and a feline tail began to flirt with and stroke my tail.
“I know a way to help us both get a good night’s sleep,” Tali whispered in my ear.
And you have no need to know what happened next.
[Note appended to manuscript: "And some of us don't want to know, especially so soon after eating."]
[Note appended to manuscript: "Shaddap."]
***
Winterbough:
Once I got over the initial shock of seeing the Wolf Queen immortalized in statuary (and the anger of seeing that I wasn’t anywhere to be seen), I started laughing.
“What’s up, Corporal?” Fred asked.
I pointed at one statue of the wolfess, this time embracing a cute little kitten mel. “Ever seen the actual Wolf Queen?”
Fred looked abashed. "Er . . . not up close, no. "
I looked back at the statue as it receded behind us. “Well, I’ll say this: It’s a damned good thing Eastness doesn’t have laws in common with Faerie, because all of the artists who made these statues would be sued until the Lady remade the World. She’s just pissy enough to do it, too.”
A bit of light seemed to dawn on the dog’s face. “So, she’s not, ah?” and he pantomimed a very shapely, almost buxom figure. I shook my head, and he dipped one ear. “I don’t know. I like ‘em curvy, myself; some women are just too skinny.”
“Imagine her relief if she found out your preferences,” I said. “Her desire doesn’t run to mels.”
“Ooh!” Fred said, and grinned rather lecherously. He glanced ahead and suddenly yelled, “Duck!”
"What?" I shouted over the engine noise and the sound of tree branches whipping past.
The low tree branches.
I suddenly felt a horrific pain in my head as the branches tangled up with my antlers and yanked me bodily from the car.
Ow! Owowowowowowowow!
Ow?
Ow.
Of course . . . "O Absalom! Absalom!" Fred caroled as Matt brought the car around.
“I've got a feeling we aren't in Yonknapathwa County anymore,” Michael helpfully said.
Fred nodded sagely. “Well, he got yonked right out of his seat. Good thing he can't wear shoes."
“Even blue suede ones?” the mink asked.
“Right,” said Fred. “Either way, he'd get hauled clean out of them.” The car pulled to a stop, enabling me to clamber up on it to relieve the strain on my antlers. Fred got out and opened the boot to get out the toolbox.
Matt grinned up at me. "Let trees take you back out of the driver's seat!"
“Lovely,” I grumbled. “Great jokes, lads . . . now could you get me the _____ Netherhells out of this tree?”
“All right, all right, just hang in there,” and the dog started sawing away at the branches. He at least had the decency to avoid my antlers. Crooked they might be, but I was in no mood to get de-racked.
“Matt,” I said when I was finally cut loose, “I thought you knew where this ‘field office’ of yours was.”
The bear made a grumpy noise. "Well, it’s not like there's a Michelin guide to Eastness!"
"Or Antecor, even," Michael said.
“We might stop for the evening,” Fred said hopefully. “There was an inn back that way. Beer, hot food, tavern-wenches – “
Matt took off his hat and clouted the canine over the head. “Why didn’t you say so?” Fred simply whined and fiddled with his uniform collar before packing away the toolbox.
<NEXT>
<PREVIOUS>
<FIRST>
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Housecat
Size 886 x 1280px
File Size 266.1 kB
Comments