Is normal to make mistakes, what is not normal is making the same mistakes over and over, lying to yourself that it will eventually work, when in reality it really won't.
Telling people you will be better, but deep in your heart, you know that isn't true, then you go back to make the same crap, until to a point you lose them; someone you at first wasn't trying to hurt and still didn't; and then a worse pain will happen, a pain that could be avoided if you were just honest with them from the beginning, the fear of being honest and hurt them right there and then really took the best of me and I choose to delay the inevitable, which only causes the same pain I was avoiding becomes 10 times worse. Making empty promises, lying, feeling no shame on the errors I keep making, lacking courage to face the consequences and the unpleasant things I would bring upon people I am friends with, if I was to bring honesty with my true feelings, I literally hit the bottom of the wheel socially.
Spending the last 4 days trying to write what I feel about my current mental state is one of the most struggling moments I felt, kind harder when you can't really decide if I should put this in public or not....well now you know what I choose. When you know you lack ability or your head feels like to explode with so much pain when trying to be honest and courageous to write the truth, you know there is something wrong happening and I kept avoiding being honest with myself and others for months now, is so deep and is so painful being at the very bottom of the wheel was necessary for me to realize what I been doing. And even so, the amount of pain I feel when I start working on fixing something....anything, it really wonders if I am doomed and stuck in life like this.
However after saying all this negativity, I guess acknowledging that I need to do something about it seems the first step for it and despise failing to do before, I know after some terrible events that if I want to be a happy noodle around this community, I need to start become honest with people and just accept I will piss off some people with things that I truly like and want, I have to start watching who really is my friend and who really is not, even first before that I must know what exactly I desire in a friendship the most, since we are humans no one realyl has the same goal for that, some similarities at best, but that is where would end.
So be it, life is too short to try and please everyone, I am going to mentally prepare myself for the worse, because we all know that doing these steps for the better is never pleasant at first. But eventually should get better. Hopefully...

PS: All this sounded dramatic and a bit of self-rant and likely it doesn't make sense or is a mess with no head and tail, but if I tried to not sound like those, I would take another 1 or 2 weeks to come up with something, I choose to not overthink anymore to write all this, I am not really a writer and I wanted to write something like this to help me understand myself, a friend suggested me to write things down I want to remember or you deem important. Well I have over 50 MB of word files with random things I wrote whenever I felt it was necessary, some is just 2 sentences at best, others is in my native language and others are even what friends tell me, things that I might need to be reminded of (some that I wrote here are from these files).

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This art is to show, that I want to get in a bus and just go out there and think, for a very long time, like those Greek philosophers went to those mountain to go on a long time to think about everything. Isolating myself seems the best solution at the moment, I do wanna avoid doing the same crap again, but I won't be gone forever, I will be around, just not active as much as I was months ago, a lot of things happened beyond the furry fandom, the loss of family members due to COVID, losing job due to COVID bankrupt the 40 year-old business I was working in and failing classes that completely shut me down to graduate this last April (now I have to wait a long time to retake them, months that I could be already at what I want gone completely). A lot of crap to take in.
I will be back to servers and to talk in public somewhere in the future, once I am certain what do I desire in many things in life socially, it should be easier to talk again

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The gif was a YCH made by  fox4friends this really felt accurate on what I want to do due the events this year

The noodle is none other me
If I was going to get a bus and let it drive for a long time, I would let play this for a good amount of time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA_leXCgePU