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The Rise of the Raccoon Queen
Or The Big Grey Fluffy Butt Matter
A Story of Faerie
© 2019 by M. Mitchell Marmel
(Additional characters by E.O. Costello and W.D. Reimer.)
Thumbnail art by
Major Matt Mason
Part Fourteen.
Tali:
The old saw about cats hating water applies mostly to feral felines. I’ve always enjoyed swimming.
But dressed in dried grass while it rains so hard that you can’t see more than ten feet? That’s not exactly my idea of fun. What’s more, I had tiny livestock grazing on my clothes and I could feel them traipsing through my fur. They hadn’t discovered – ow.
Sure enough, at least one carnivore in there.
Oddly, the Wolf Queen didn’t appear affected at all. No sign of a flea collar, either.
The rain finally shoved off to parts unknown, and we’d been soldiering on for a while before the Wolf Queen noticed me scratching. “You all right?”
“No,” I replied, flicking a bug carcass away. “I’m now appreciating what a tenement in a bad neighborhood feels like.”
She stopped me and said. “Hold still for a moment.” She pointed a finger at me and muttered something I couldn’t catch; I flinched as my fur and my clothes rustled, and a veritable stampede of little bugs and creepy-crawlies bugged out for greener pastures. “There,” she said in a satisfied tone, “that should do it. I should have offered earlier, sorry.”
“That’s a neat trick. Magic?”
“A simple cantrip. You may not be from around here, but the grass and bugs are.” The wolfess gave me a nasty grin. “Silverbrush doesn’t know I can do that, and I suspect he’d have a conniption if I tried it on him.” She explained to me that the old tod was basically a walking insect zoo.
I shuddered and we started walking again. “How does he put up with that?”
She shrugged. “He’s from the Long Ago, and more than half-mad.”
“How long ago was this ‘Long Ago?’”
Again with the shrug. “No one really knows exactly. My – Artemisiaford had been hidden underground for over eight thousand years, and the Master and I met a wolf who claimed he was ‘closer to ten than nine’ thousand, and was one of Silverbrush’s cubhood friends.”
“That’s . . . amazing.” It truly was; I’ve met only one or two immortals since joining the Temporal Corps, and most of them spent their time complaining. I suddenly asked, “How old are you?”
That earned me an arch look. “In some parts of the Empire, it isn’t polite to ask a lady how old she is.”
“I’m not asking a lady,” I said, “I’m asking you.” I gave her a very open leer and she laughed.
So she told me. I told her that she didn’t look a day over, and told her my age.
Pardon? I’m a trifle deaf in this ear, so you’ll have to ask the question later.
We trudged our way up a hill, toiling through the high grass and the rocks, to reach a tree that was growing at the hill’s summit. It was a good vantage point, though, so it was worth the effort to get a good view of the country.
So we stood there, peering off into the distance, and the wolfess pointed. “That looks like a roof over there. A house, maybe.”
“First sign of civilization we’ve seen yet,” I said. “And it’s not too far off our course.”
“They might have food.”
“Let’s go then,” I said. “My stomach’s been asking me if my throat’s been cut.”
***
Ooo-er:
“If you’ll pardon me, it looks like you two ladies are lost,” the raccoon said. He grinned as one or two of his fellows snickered. “Wouldn’t really be Elfly of us not to offer some help.” His blue eyes gleamed in his black mask as he glanced from side to side. “Wouldn’t it, boys?”
A scrawny-looking cougar poked his head up. “Eee, nope uh nope uh nope . . . “
“It ain’t Elfly, Boss,” a canine said, planting a paw on the cougar’s face and pushing him back down.
The raccoon (‘Boss’) allowed a disgusted expression to briefly move across his face before he smiled at us again.
I didn’t like his smile.
“Well now, seeing as you’re lost, I’ll make a proposition to you,” he said. “Give us all your money – oh, and those lovely pearls, young lady – and we’ll let you go on your way.”
Tessie stood up straight. “We have no money,” she said in a curiously resonant voice. It reminded me of my beloved when her Regalia spoke through her.
“No money, eh?” The raccoon’s smile widened. “Aw, that’s too bad. Ain’t that too bad, boys?” The others laughed, and I really started wishing that Father and some warriors were with us. Boss started to look at Kora and Veyt, keeping a respectful distance from the ants. “Mighty nice pair of ants you got there – and a sweet-looking cart, too.” He looked up at Tessie and his smile vanished. “We’ll take the ants and the cart, and no back-chat either,” and he bared his teeth, “or you’ll be coming with us.”
I could hear the others getting weapons ready, and suddenly there was a voice.
“Unseelie.”
Boss said, “That’s a matter of opinion, m’dear.”
Suddenly Tessie had Sun-and-Moon in her paws, and the Regalia thundered, “THE WOLF QU – er, I mean – THE RACCOON QUEEN FIGHTS FOR JUSTICE! HAVE AT YOU!”
And she pooked.
I didn’t think she knew how to do that.
I guess she ended up behind the hills with the rest of the gang of highwaymen, because I started hearing steel clanging against steel, mingled with yelps, howls, and –
Apologies?
WHACK!
“OW!”
“I’m sorry!”
CRUNCH!
“AIYEE!”
“It’s not me!”
“CLANG!”
“OOH!”
“I’m sorry! Did that hurt?”
THWACK!
“AHHHH!”
“It’s not my fault!”
CRUNCH!
“What? What do you mean, ‘How am I fixed for blades?!’”
I yelped as I was suddenly yanked off the cart backwards, with the Boss’ arm around my neck. I started to struggle, and stopped as he pressed the point of his dagger against my throat.
Tessie pooked back, breathing heavily and with her (I guess I should call it ‘hers’ now) double-bardiche poised. “You,” she said, “Let. Her. Go.”
I felt his chuckle. “Now, now sweetheart, it’s not going to work like that – “
I sighed, and really wished I didn’t have to do this.
Mother taught it to me. I think Father suspects.
I grabbed the raccoon’s arm with both my paws, closed my eyes and Called.
I felt a tingle running down my arms to my paws, and the boar started to scream as the stink of burning fur hit my nose. I let go, and he slumped to the ground. I didn’t need to look to see if he was all right or not.
Tessie put away Sun-and-Moon and gasped, “What did you do?”
I glanced back at the boar and felt my gorge rise. “Tell you later,” and I ran off to throw up in peace.
When I got back (after conjuring paws full of water to rinse my mouth out) I asked, “Where are the others?”
“They ran off,” Tessie replied. She nodded at a cairn by the side of the road. “Apart from him, of course. Are you all right? How did you do that?”
“Back on the Glittering Isle, we mainly dove and fished,” I explained. “The femmes all had to, pretty much. We learned how to do that to chase away small krakens and sharks. Please, Tessie, don’t tell my father."
She pantomimed locking her mouth shut. “He won’t hear it from me,” and she suddenly cocked her ear. “What? Elves don’t lie . . . what? No! No, I’m not disappointed.”
The Regalia was talking to her again. “What’s it saying?” I asked.
Tessie gave me a sour look as she recited a cantrip to clean her paws again. “It’s asking me if I’m disappointed that I won’t have venery with – “ and she jerked her tail at the cairn. “As if I’d lie with an Unseelie guy. C’mon, Ooo-er, let’s get out of here before that gang comes back.”
“You don’t have to ask me twice.”
***
Winterbough:
I’ll admit it, because Elves don’t lie. I pooked as soon as I realized that the antless cart had spoken, ending up ankle-deep in the pond.
Well, ankle-deep after I had finished falling three feet into the water and landing flat on my back.
More than one of the frogs [Rae-Beet!]ed at me as I stepped out of the water and pronounced a cantrip to dry off. This time, I approached more warily in time to hear the cart say, “Cor! Jumpy sort, ain’t ‘e?”
“You startled him,” Matt said. “Now, can you please tell me – “
“Never mind that, dearie.” The voice was a pleasant feminine alto, but her accented Standard was a little hard to follow. “Just bring us up to speed, there’s a good lad.”
Matt gave Michael and Fred a sidelong look. “Well, you know that Caractacus and Mimsy are retired – “
“’Course I know, love! I saw the retirement party! Whatever ‘appened to that little – “
“Er, and Jeremy and Jemima took over,” the bear said hurriedly. “They’re senior armorers, and you belong to them – “
I almost pooked again when the cart jiggled a bit on its wheels. “I’m so ‘appy they’re doin’ well, I am – “
“How are you able to talk?” Michael blurted.
“Why, th’ Colonel there said it,” and I could swear that the cart’s tone was offended. “I’m magickal, I am! An’ ‘ere, I’m in’t magickal place, so . . . “
“So you can talk,” Fred said helpfully.
“Mm-hmm,” said the cart. “An’ I can e’en fly, dearie!”
“Well, we knew that,” Matt said.
“Watch this,” the cart said, and to my surprise, Things Happened.
All four fenders started to warp and change, turning out horizontally and lengthening into wings, while the front of the cart split open and a shaft extended, bearing four blades like a windmill that I’d seen once in the West Country. The blades started to spin, faster and faster until they became a droning blur.
Then the cart started to move.
It trundled down the grassy slope, faster and faster, until it lifted clear of the ground and soared into the air as I stood there, openmouthed in shock.
The others didn’t seem to be too surprised as the cart flew overhead, executed a banking turn and came in for a landing. As soon as its wings withdrew it asked, “’Ow’s that, dears? ‘Op aboard, an’ we’ll go places an’ do things.”
That, and the sight of the others climbing in, brought me out of my shock. “Wait a minute!” I said. “I’m not going in that thing!”
“’Ere, why not?” the cart asked.
“Th-There-There’s nothing holding you up!” I stammered.
“It’s the same set of principles used to keep you aloft when you’re a bird,” Michael said, the mink starting to make motions with his paws. “It’s a simple interaction between – “
“I don’t care,” I snapped, and transmogrified into hawk-form so that I wouldn’t have to hear any more arguments. I took off and alighted in a nearby tree as the bear, dog and mink finished getting aboard and the cart took to the air again. Then I took off, and quickly figured out that I could fly higher than the cart.
By the Lady, I hoped I had better eyesight, too.
We were headed along the line that the Giant Frog had indicated, with me soaring along with hardly a twitch of my wings, and I saw a smudge far off in the distance that resolved itself into a meadow after a while. The cart had landed, so I spiraled down and perched on the back of the rear seat, resting a moment before I changed back to my usual form. “Anything wrong?” I asked.
“Stopping for lunch,” Michael replied. He held up a seed-cake. “Care for some?”
After lunch and a canteen of water, I took off again to look around while Fred performed some work on the cart (“Oo, I almost broke a trunnion, dearie” it had said).
The meadow was huge, and to the northeast there were the remains of a small copse of trees. I landed to see what I could find, as it was near our line of advance, and time spent in reconnaissance is never wasted.
[Note appended to manuscript: “I see I taught you well, [teashor].”]
[Note appended to manuscript: “Thank you, [gracious lord].”]
[Note appended to manuscript: “Will you two just get a room, already.”]
[Note appended to manuscript: “Shaddap.”]
[Note appended to manuscript: “Pfui.”]
I landed and transmogrified back into a buck. The ground was grassy, but felt a little spongy underhoof. Almost, and I had to really think back to recall, almost like the ground in Skull Forest before Sixth, Estvan and I had cleansed that bit of the Shining Land by giving the Elfhame Rangers their deserved rest. I went through a few tangled, half-withered trees – and stopped.
There was a stele there, in the middle of the small clearing that radiated very strong and very ancient magicks.
In the distance and on a small rise was a ruined building.
Memory came flooding back.
“By the LADY . . . “
<NEXT>
<PREVIOUS>
<FIRST>
Or The Big Grey Fluffy Butt Matter
A Story of Faerie
© 2019 by M. Mitchell Marmel
(Additional characters by E.O. Costello and W.D. Reimer.)
Thumbnail art by
Major Matt MasonPart Fourteen.
Tali:
The old saw about cats hating water applies mostly to feral felines. I’ve always enjoyed swimming.
But dressed in dried grass while it rains so hard that you can’t see more than ten feet? That’s not exactly my idea of fun. What’s more, I had tiny livestock grazing on my clothes and I could feel them traipsing through my fur. They hadn’t discovered – ow.
Sure enough, at least one carnivore in there.
Oddly, the Wolf Queen didn’t appear affected at all. No sign of a flea collar, either.
The rain finally shoved off to parts unknown, and we’d been soldiering on for a while before the Wolf Queen noticed me scratching. “You all right?”
“No,” I replied, flicking a bug carcass away. “I’m now appreciating what a tenement in a bad neighborhood feels like.”
She stopped me and said. “Hold still for a moment.” She pointed a finger at me and muttered something I couldn’t catch; I flinched as my fur and my clothes rustled, and a veritable stampede of little bugs and creepy-crawlies bugged out for greener pastures. “There,” she said in a satisfied tone, “that should do it. I should have offered earlier, sorry.”
“That’s a neat trick. Magic?”
“A simple cantrip. You may not be from around here, but the grass and bugs are.” The wolfess gave me a nasty grin. “Silverbrush doesn’t know I can do that, and I suspect he’d have a conniption if I tried it on him.” She explained to me that the old tod was basically a walking insect zoo.
I shuddered and we started walking again. “How does he put up with that?”
She shrugged. “He’s from the Long Ago, and more than half-mad.”
“How long ago was this ‘Long Ago?’”
Again with the shrug. “No one really knows exactly. My – Artemisiaford had been hidden underground for over eight thousand years, and the Master and I met a wolf who claimed he was ‘closer to ten than nine’ thousand, and was one of Silverbrush’s cubhood friends.”
“That’s . . . amazing.” It truly was; I’ve met only one or two immortals since joining the Temporal Corps, and most of them spent their time complaining. I suddenly asked, “How old are you?”
That earned me an arch look. “In some parts of the Empire, it isn’t polite to ask a lady how old she is.”
“I’m not asking a lady,” I said, “I’m asking you.” I gave her a very open leer and she laughed.
So she told me. I told her that she didn’t look a day over, and told her my age.
Pardon? I’m a trifle deaf in this ear, so you’ll have to ask the question later.
We trudged our way up a hill, toiling through the high grass and the rocks, to reach a tree that was growing at the hill’s summit. It was a good vantage point, though, so it was worth the effort to get a good view of the country.
So we stood there, peering off into the distance, and the wolfess pointed. “That looks like a roof over there. A house, maybe.”
“First sign of civilization we’ve seen yet,” I said. “And it’s not too far off our course.”
“They might have food.”
“Let’s go then,” I said. “My stomach’s been asking me if my throat’s been cut.”
***
Ooo-er:
“If you’ll pardon me, it looks like you two ladies are lost,” the raccoon said. He grinned as one or two of his fellows snickered. “Wouldn’t really be Elfly of us not to offer some help.” His blue eyes gleamed in his black mask as he glanced from side to side. “Wouldn’t it, boys?”
A scrawny-looking cougar poked his head up. “Eee, nope uh nope uh nope . . . “
“It ain’t Elfly, Boss,” a canine said, planting a paw on the cougar’s face and pushing him back down.
The raccoon (‘Boss’) allowed a disgusted expression to briefly move across his face before he smiled at us again.
I didn’t like his smile.
“Well now, seeing as you’re lost, I’ll make a proposition to you,” he said. “Give us all your money – oh, and those lovely pearls, young lady – and we’ll let you go on your way.”
Tessie stood up straight. “We have no money,” she said in a curiously resonant voice. It reminded me of my beloved when her Regalia spoke through her.
“No money, eh?” The raccoon’s smile widened. “Aw, that’s too bad. Ain’t that too bad, boys?” The others laughed, and I really started wishing that Father and some warriors were with us. Boss started to look at Kora and Veyt, keeping a respectful distance from the ants. “Mighty nice pair of ants you got there – and a sweet-looking cart, too.” He looked up at Tessie and his smile vanished. “We’ll take the ants and the cart, and no back-chat either,” and he bared his teeth, “or you’ll be coming with us.”
I could hear the others getting weapons ready, and suddenly there was a voice.
“Unseelie.”
Boss said, “That’s a matter of opinion, m’dear.”
Suddenly Tessie had Sun-and-Moon in her paws, and the Regalia thundered, “THE WOLF QU – er, I mean – THE RACCOON QUEEN FIGHTS FOR JUSTICE! HAVE AT YOU!”
And she pooked.
I didn’t think she knew how to do that.
I guess she ended up behind the hills with the rest of the gang of highwaymen, because I started hearing steel clanging against steel, mingled with yelps, howls, and –
Apologies?
WHACK!
“OW!”
“I’m sorry!”
CRUNCH!
“AIYEE!”
“It’s not me!”
“CLANG!”
“OOH!”
“I’m sorry! Did that hurt?”
THWACK!
“AHHHH!”
“It’s not my fault!”
CRUNCH!
“What? What do you mean, ‘How am I fixed for blades?!’”
I yelped as I was suddenly yanked off the cart backwards, with the Boss’ arm around my neck. I started to struggle, and stopped as he pressed the point of his dagger against my throat.
Tessie pooked back, breathing heavily and with her (I guess I should call it ‘hers’ now) double-bardiche poised. “You,” she said, “Let. Her. Go.”
I felt his chuckle. “Now, now sweetheart, it’s not going to work like that – “
I sighed, and really wished I didn’t have to do this.
Mother taught it to me. I think Father suspects.
I grabbed the raccoon’s arm with both my paws, closed my eyes and Called.
I felt a tingle running down my arms to my paws, and the boar started to scream as the stink of burning fur hit my nose. I let go, and he slumped to the ground. I didn’t need to look to see if he was all right or not.
Tessie put away Sun-and-Moon and gasped, “What did you do?”
I glanced back at the boar and felt my gorge rise. “Tell you later,” and I ran off to throw up in peace.
When I got back (after conjuring paws full of water to rinse my mouth out) I asked, “Where are the others?”
“They ran off,” Tessie replied. She nodded at a cairn by the side of the road. “Apart from him, of course. Are you all right? How did you do that?”
“Back on the Glittering Isle, we mainly dove and fished,” I explained. “The femmes all had to, pretty much. We learned how to do that to chase away small krakens and sharks. Please, Tessie, don’t tell my father."
She pantomimed locking her mouth shut. “He won’t hear it from me,” and she suddenly cocked her ear. “What? Elves don’t lie . . . what? No! No, I’m not disappointed.”
The Regalia was talking to her again. “What’s it saying?” I asked.
Tessie gave me a sour look as she recited a cantrip to clean her paws again. “It’s asking me if I’m disappointed that I won’t have venery with – “ and she jerked her tail at the cairn. “As if I’d lie with an Unseelie guy. C’mon, Ooo-er, let’s get out of here before that gang comes back.”
“You don’t have to ask me twice.”
***
Winterbough:
I’ll admit it, because Elves don’t lie. I pooked as soon as I realized that the antless cart had spoken, ending up ankle-deep in the pond.
Well, ankle-deep after I had finished falling three feet into the water and landing flat on my back.
More than one of the frogs [Rae-Beet!]ed at me as I stepped out of the water and pronounced a cantrip to dry off. This time, I approached more warily in time to hear the cart say, “Cor! Jumpy sort, ain’t ‘e?”
“You startled him,” Matt said. “Now, can you please tell me – “
“Never mind that, dearie.” The voice was a pleasant feminine alto, but her accented Standard was a little hard to follow. “Just bring us up to speed, there’s a good lad.”
Matt gave Michael and Fred a sidelong look. “Well, you know that Caractacus and Mimsy are retired – “
“’Course I know, love! I saw the retirement party! Whatever ‘appened to that little – “
“Er, and Jeremy and Jemima took over,” the bear said hurriedly. “They’re senior armorers, and you belong to them – “
I almost pooked again when the cart jiggled a bit on its wheels. “I’m so ‘appy they’re doin’ well, I am – “
“How are you able to talk?” Michael blurted.
“Why, th’ Colonel there said it,” and I could swear that the cart’s tone was offended. “I’m magickal, I am! An’ ‘ere, I’m in’t magickal place, so . . . “
“So you can talk,” Fred said helpfully.
“Mm-hmm,” said the cart. “An’ I can e’en fly, dearie!”
“Well, we knew that,” Matt said.
“Watch this,” the cart said, and to my surprise, Things Happened.
All four fenders started to warp and change, turning out horizontally and lengthening into wings, while the front of the cart split open and a shaft extended, bearing four blades like a windmill that I’d seen once in the West Country. The blades started to spin, faster and faster until they became a droning blur.
Then the cart started to move.
It trundled down the grassy slope, faster and faster, until it lifted clear of the ground and soared into the air as I stood there, openmouthed in shock.
The others didn’t seem to be too surprised as the cart flew overhead, executed a banking turn and came in for a landing. As soon as its wings withdrew it asked, “’Ow’s that, dears? ‘Op aboard, an’ we’ll go places an’ do things.”
That, and the sight of the others climbing in, brought me out of my shock. “Wait a minute!” I said. “I’m not going in that thing!”
“’Ere, why not?” the cart asked.
“Th-There-There’s nothing holding you up!” I stammered.
“It’s the same set of principles used to keep you aloft when you’re a bird,” Michael said, the mink starting to make motions with his paws. “It’s a simple interaction between – “
“I don’t care,” I snapped, and transmogrified into hawk-form so that I wouldn’t have to hear any more arguments. I took off and alighted in a nearby tree as the bear, dog and mink finished getting aboard and the cart took to the air again. Then I took off, and quickly figured out that I could fly higher than the cart.
By the Lady, I hoped I had better eyesight, too.
We were headed along the line that the Giant Frog had indicated, with me soaring along with hardly a twitch of my wings, and I saw a smudge far off in the distance that resolved itself into a meadow after a while. The cart had landed, so I spiraled down and perched on the back of the rear seat, resting a moment before I changed back to my usual form. “Anything wrong?” I asked.
“Stopping for lunch,” Michael replied. He held up a seed-cake. “Care for some?”
After lunch and a canteen of water, I took off again to look around while Fred performed some work on the cart (“Oo, I almost broke a trunnion, dearie” it had said).
The meadow was huge, and to the northeast there were the remains of a small copse of trees. I landed to see what I could find, as it was near our line of advance, and time spent in reconnaissance is never wasted.
[Note appended to manuscript: “I see I taught you well, [teashor].”]
[Note appended to manuscript: “Thank you, [gracious lord].”]
[Note appended to manuscript: “Will you two just get a room, already.”]
[Note appended to manuscript: “Shaddap.”]
[Note appended to manuscript: “Pfui.”]
I landed and transmogrified back into a buck. The ground was grassy, but felt a little spongy underhoof. Almost, and I had to really think back to recall, almost like the ground in Skull Forest before Sixth, Estvan and I had cleansed that bit of the Shining Land by giving the Elfhame Rangers their deserved rest. I went through a few tangled, half-withered trees – and stopped.
There was a stele there, in the middle of the small clearing that radiated very strong and very ancient magicks.
In the distance and on a small rise was a ruined building.
Memory came flooding back.
“By the LADY . . . “
<NEXT>
<PREVIOUS>
<FIRST>
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Cervine (Other)
Size 120 x 96px
File Size 53.9 kB
Listed in Folders
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