If you ever need ears to listen, I'm around and am willing to help all I can <:/

I can't-.. I won't let go of the mistakes that I've made. The people I've hurt won't forgive me. I've asked. But it's okay, because I told them that I wouldn't forgive me either. I promised I'd make it up to them.

I can't just end it, like I originally wanted. I've proven to be too much of a coward for that. But if I'm not gonna die, then the least I can fucking do is spend every moment I can hurting myself, berating myself, making my own life a living hell.

But it hurts..

It hurts so much..

My heart physically feels sore, and it gets hard to breathe sometimes. But I no longer panic when that happens. I embrace it, and hold my breath for even longer.

Which reminds me.. I'm thinking of trying again. Going to where I work, at a wine making facility, closing myself inside an empty 3000 gallon tank, and opening a nitrogen valve at the top. The place has no burglar alarm, so if I can get in over night, I can bring a blanket and go to sleep. The nitrogen will slowly displace all the air, but I won't feel like I'm choking because my body will still be able to exhale carbon dioxide. If I stay awake, all that'll happen is that I'll get tingly all over, and then feel loopy with hypoxia. I'll fall asleep feeling giddy and warm, and that'll be it. Just haven't gotten around to writing a note yet.. I don't know what I would say.. But it'd be very very long. But I'm too lazy to write something so long..

I'm so scared.. but at the same time, I NEED it to be over. I have to fulfill my promise.

I have such a huge headache.

...

And I'm sorry to everyone who cares about me, I really really am.. I hate that I get this way, because I know nobody wants to deal with it. At least I can take solace in the fact that I'll be easily forgotten after a few days, maybe a couple of weeks at the very most. Life always goes on. It's just like when my dog died last year. It was sad, we all cried, but not two months later, we'd all but forgotten about her. I'm hoping that's what happens with me, too. I'm sure it will.

...

Maybe I won't do it.. I dunno.. It's so much effort. And it's permanent. I have to be miserable enough. I have to know for sure that it's time. It doesn't feel like it's time yet. Though I'm getting so damn close. Each time I fall, it gets a little worse. Someday soon. I promise.

You won't have to keep cleaning up my messes.

Fahren, call this number 800-273-8255
and come talk to me on telegram or discord

This, absolutely.

I know about all the hotlines and stuff. They're all too scary for me. Besides, what could they POSSIBLY say that I haven't already heard a million times before? Life is precious and beautiful? There's so much to live for? We can help you feel better?

C'mon, we know that isn't always true.. not for everybody..

I've already had a good life that I've enjoyed plenty. What's so different between dying now versus when I'm 90? I'll be.. old? Is that really it? Who the hell wants that?

..

Sorry, sorry.. it's fine. It's just vent art. I'm obviously still here. For what it's worth, I expected NOBODY to respond to this post at all, so it warms my heart that I suddenly see nine comments on it overnight. Thank you all for your love in all its many forms.

Why do you make yourself so obsessed with "keeping your promise" to people who have already given you up for dead a long time ago? They don't care what you do with your life, you won't make any difference to them and they'll never even know. Why don't you keep your promise to the people who do actually care about you? You've done some pretty damn stupid things to me, but I'm still here aren't I?

Just because they're gone--well, only a few are gone, actually--doesn't mean the things I said and did won't be with them forever. As far as I'm aware, I've never made a single enemy. Nobody wants my head on a stake. It'd be easier if they DID have some sort of hostility toward me, cuz then I could seriously have a reason to let it go, but that's never happened. The real truth is that everybody has been nothing short of amazing to me, and it's always me that does them dirty.

As for why don't I keep my promise to the people who do care about me? Have I not been? Most days, in fact, the majority of days, I am keeping that promise. I'm being my happy self like you want me to be, but there are times like this when I still fail. Yes you're still here, but I'll be honest, the way you speak to me makes it feel like you get really really annoyed at me.. like a lot. >< That's why I stay away, cuz I can tell you're fed up with it.

That's just the way that I talk! I'm frustrated more than anything because I don't know what else I can say to get through to you. I'm not angry or "really really annoyed", if I was I wouldn't even bother to try to help when you get like this...

In addition to this, why do you keep obsessing about 'keeping your promise' to people who have told you TO YOUR FACE that they would want you to do anything but hurt yourself! I'm still here too, and I've tried to tell you this at different points in time, I don't understand why you keep acting as if you have no other option! We're all here, we all care so much about you...

Because what's the alternative? I get to live a happy, carefree life, while you and everyone else stay permanently scarred by me? I'm not saying you'll never recover from it. Maybe you already have. But don't tell me you wouldn't feel even SOME sort of resentment if I found some new mate, started posting lovey-dovey things about them, and calling them the best thing since sliced bread. I NEVER will, but I'm just saying.

I shouldn't say "keep my promise" to you all, then. I guess I misspoke. I made that promise to myself. Though, the "who" doesn't really matter, I suppose. In the end, so long as I ask you how you're doing and don't get a glowingly happy "I'm great! Back to normal, and enjoying life! Might've even found a new special someone, lemme tell you about em!" then I won't let myself recover either. It wouldn't be fair. I did this to you, so I should be the one to suffer more. Do you really just want me to leave you in the dust like that? I care too much about you to ever feel okay with moving on if you haven't.

Fahren.... I've had counselors for quite a while, but they didn't do much to help mii. Basically, all that they gave mii was a deaf ear.

Common typical stigmas of help hotlines. IT. WILL. HELP! There's nothing to loose, just call them!

You can't change tha past, but the future is in your full control

(I know I'm a little late to the conversation... )

Doesn't matter. Any comment, no matter how old, is greatly appreciated. You at least deserve an update!

I did get help, though not through a hotline. I just got myself a therapist, and yeah! Defs helped!

You're right about that. I'm proud of who I am and will make my life and future the best I can. ^^

You should be very proud of who you are. The fact that you griefed so hard about your past mystakes shows that you are NOW a much better person. And you should be very proud of that.

I'm very glad to hear that another fellow creature is feeling much happier! :3

Mistakes don't define you. You alone is the only one who matters.

I think that we can keep finding a good side in things we like, despite everything. Who knows, perhaps even discover new things to enjoy. You have to keep on mind that things continuously change for positive, even if it doesn't seem like they do.

That's why I say that it's worth to keep on going through all the tough stuff life can throw at you.

Yeah they fuckin' do! You think I could EVER be in another relationship after fucking up the last one? Or the one before that? Or the one before that? That shit weighs over your head for the rest of your life. I'm sick of it. I'm NEVER doing it again. That's what the X is for.

You can't say that with any certainty! Things always change for the better? That's a DAMN fucking lie and you know it! There are billions of people on this planet who will never escape the poverty they're in, the slavery they're in. Some people watch their whole family, all their friends, drop dead like flies around them. Ask me how I fucking know!

Forcing people like me to continue living just because YOU think it's something I should do is not only inhumane, it's downright selfish!

...

*Sighs* I'm sorry. I.. got a little carried away..

No worries, you have nothing to be sorry about

I still accept you as you are. Besides... I do understand that exact stuff too, so I get you

Hun, let me be honest with you.

My relationships have ended just as badly as yours. Either because of my own stupidity, theirs or just because we grew apart. Trust me, I know your pain. Hell, for my first relationship I was left for someone else, left to cry and scream in emotional pain because I lost the first one I truly loved, thinking that it was my fault and not his, because he wanted to "focus on college" when in reality he just wanted to get rid of me. My latest relationship, I cheated online once and hurt my partner because of that, and that was because of my dumbass decisions in the past. That was my fault.

After constant relationships falling apart, constant mistakes leaving me an emotional mess, do you see me telling my friends that I'll never do another relationship again just because there's been a lot of them that failed?

As for the "things get better", they do. It won't be instantaneous, but it will get better if you let it! I was told the exact same thing when I broke up my latest relationship, and it ended up getting A LOT better because of that. I'm personally not in a good life situation, I'm stuck indoors 24/7 because my countries government is stupid, corrupt and overall fucking shit. I've been forced into a lockdown for a good fucking year or more now, being unable to visit ones I want to visit just because our country is fucking garbage. But I still think it'll get better eventually.

Also, if anything threatening to end your life is selfish on your part. ESPECIALLY to the ones who give a shit about you. Think about it, if you actually went through with it, how do you think your friends and family will feel?

Anyway, I've made my point, and all I ask now is to just try your fucking hardest to keep it together and keep moving with your life. I know FOR A FACT you will eventually meet "the one", same with how I eventually will. There's really no need in ripping yourself apart over something that isn't worth it.

If you EVER want to talk about things in PMs, don't hesitate to message me. I'm always there when you message me, always.

Also I apologise if I ranted on too much in this message. I just want you to know that we love you and care about you, that's all.

it's how it is, isn't it?

Yeah. It's how I've always been. There's no changing it.

I'm always here for you friend.
Always.

I will never leave you regardless of what may come. That is my oath I give, and gave to you before.

I am no doctor, so calling 800-273-8255 is probably better than listenting to me. In any case, I am always will be here to hear you out.

I have terrible phone anxiety. Even calling my own parents requires a lot of psyching up. Talking in voice is way too scary for me.

Honestly, no. Calling a help line would actually not be any better than talking to any of you. It'd probably be a lot worse, actually. At least you guys actually care. The person on that line doesn't know me. If anything, they're only there to do their job, and it's to keep me alive at any cost. They'd be hollow words from someone who's heard it thousands of times before. Hell, I wouldn't even count as a case worth pursuing. "Just a privileged little white kid in his perfect little house crying like a little baby cuz his wittew heart hurts; get the fuck off this line and make space for the people who ACTUALLY need the help, asshole. Grow the fuck up." That's what I think they'd say. Even if they don't say it, you know that's how they feel.

God damnit, LOOK at the way I abuse my friends! I'm such a shitty person. I'm so sorry for all of this. I know you're all just trying to help.. I'm so sorry.

Well, others would have left, so it shows that they care for you, and I think it is the best thing to have, ever!

You are loved, and there are friends and people who care about you. I don't even know you but it pains me to see what you're going through. Please reach out to someone hell even me, I'll talk to you.

Thanks, but-.. what would you say..? What would you do? that I haven't had said or done to me already..? >~<

I would say something thats probably more appropriate to say in a private message.

I don't know much about you but I still really hope that you know that there are still those that love you and care for you despite your flaws. Try and talk to them because they're willing to listen and want to help you.

I'm very aware of how many people love me. That's what makes it all the more sad.. that I'm so far beyond help that not even that is enough to make me want to stay. I'm just letting everyone down. Again.

The fucking LEAST I could do is stop being a selfish asshole and get it over with. People would much rather deal with one upsetting event which they can grieve about and then move on, instead what I'm doing to them, bringing it up over and over and over, dragging it out for years..

I just abuse them. I abuse everyone with my shitty feelings. Objectively, it's time to go. It's been time to go for a very long time..

There are many among them that would actually rather not deal with that one event even if it means having to try and avoid it from happening for a long time. You'll be letting more of them down if you do just leave them all like this. They really do want to help even though they know it'll be a long and rough road.

No matter what you decide to do in the end, I wish you the best. Though I do really hope and want you to keep going.

Just had to sign up for "employee benefits" a couple days ago. Didn't realize that all that actually meant was "were gonna steal even more money from you now, thanks." Between the dental plan, health insurance, and other shit, I'm suddenly losing ONE FOURTH of EVERY paycheck I get, BEFORE the taxes!

Yay adulthood! I'm sure this is exactly what you envisioned when you were a kid!

I couldn't have even made a living off of what I was making before, so now? Hah!

I know how this feels, to considerable degree. I've always seen you as an integral part of the communities I'm in, and you're valued far more than you might think. Was there something recent that made it worse, or has it always been like this?

My DM's are always open if you want to talk.

Which is why I respect your words so much more. You understand.
Do you really think that? That I'm integral? I've never seen it.. In my eyes, I'm just a nobody artist that no one knows. No one even close to as prominent as you.

No. Nothing new. I've been like this for the last mine years.

Thanks, I.. just might.

absolutely, you're always around in the part of FA that I'm in, and the amount of responses that this journal has is clear proof that you're important to many of us. I'm sure the majority of people who are interested in nf's on FA know about you and the art you've made.

I must admit, you 've got me beat on that one. I expected nobody to say anything at all, but it's already the most commented post I've ever made. Thank you all.. >~<

Do you really think so? I've always just felt like a nobody.. At least in comparison to you, and Moonski, and Misa, and Muzo, and Allison, and Hunter, and Proxi, and Charlie, and Aky, and Zenerzia, and Xero, and-.. well.. pretty much everybody else, really. It means a lot.. hearing that..

I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. From my experience, you're as recognizable as anyone else on that list. You're more of a someone than you realize.

You stuck pay dirt here, comrad. You are greater than you think you are.

what in the world happened???

Nothing recent or new. This is how I get most nights, I just don't talk about it because I don't like to bother anyone.

ouch hopefully the nights get better for you.

Doubt this'll mean much to you if this even gets posted at all, but I'll try anyway.
For one reason or another I do occasionally get reminded of you and wonder how you're doing, and kinda wished we could have had a friendship like you do with you know who. I know our initial interactions ruined any hope of that, but I wanted to make a point are not forgotten (in reference to your comment to captainscales). And despite what happened between us, even I still care.
Hopefully things get better for you, and please talk to the people here who want to help you. No matter how bad things are people can and will help to make things better.

I don't block anyone, dun worry.
Honestly, we still can. So long as you bring up absolutely nothing about the past, especially given the fact I have forgotten preeettty much everything, I am all for starting again. Being friends with one does not preclude being friends with the other so long as it doesn't bother you. I don't ever have to bring any of it up, and neither do you. Everybody is worthy of love, you are no exception. ^^

Thank you so much, honestly. And, I will.

Eh I don't even remember most of the specifics of what happened between us anyway. I just blame the other one for influencing me to act shitty and prolonging the situation way longer than it should have been. Plus ever since I dropped them from my life I've been overall happier and not as easily angered, so hopefully that'll be a good change for you if you want to try again. >.>
And yeh it doesn't bother me at all.
My Discord is open if you want to.

Hi,

I know we have not talked, so I know their is no personal connection here.

But I want you to know this. You are not a waste. You are not a mistake. You are not a speck of dust in the wind.

You are someone who has a made an impact. Someone who has made a difference, both large and small. You are a perspective within our world of views. You are someone who sees things that others cannot see.

Your thoughts matter. Your life matters. You should not stress over your mistakes, but learn and move forward from them. Mistakes lead to change and growth. Growth becomes life. The people who do not forgive you do not define you. They are not you. Do not let their mistakes control your life.

I know this sounds repetitive and cliché, but I promise you that this is true. I understand the feeling of being nothing more than a ghost. I know the feeling when no one listens to your ideas, or your thoughts, or your feelings. But what I know is this. Life should not be about convincing the people that refuse to listen, but to find those that do. Those that do care. Those that laugh with you, that talk with you, because those people are the ones that love you.

Please know this. Please understand this. I am not trying to be forceful, I promise that I am not. I do not want you to succumb to this feeling. The feeling of worthlessness, unforgiveness, and patheticness. Don't succumb to the cold. Find the warmth. Embrace the warmth. That warmth keeps all of us going, the embrace of love and light. I know it will be hard to find, I know you will have doubt. But it is so worth it, I promise you. I truly, deeply promise. From the bottom of my heart to the palm of my hands. That warmth will help you. And it will love you.

Again, I know that we do not know each other. No more than our usernames and artwork. But I know their is another human being there, as their is one typing this now. I want to give you that warmth. I want to hug you. I want to tell you not to feel this pain. I want to take the pain the away. I want to blast it into space. I don't want you or anyone to feel this pain again. I want to let you know that you are loved. The world will miss you voice, your eyes, your smile. I give you my warmth. I give you my love. As everyone here does. You are loved. You are loved. I love you.

Hi! We don't know each other and this is my first ever comment here. Basically I use such accounts to slip past the gates to glimpse at the unknown that artists bring back from their journeys. It amuses me how many things it is possible to come across here and how extremely difficult it is to discuss anything like that in my circles but I make it work watching and thinking alone. Over the years I've collected many favorites, memories and warm feelings towards the art and the artists here, including you.

It's difficult on me to see such thing happening to people and while I tend to understand rationally and empathies immensely, remembering myself emotionally at my worst moments - nothing mattered. Yet something worked. Talking worked. To anybody willing to listen or even thinking out loud made it possible for myself to make it this far.

Hoping that this will reach you I must say that I have no doubt in my heart that you can do that too and that I resonate both with you and your art despite the distance. I also care about you enough to remember you and answer your call, wishing to help. I am willing to listen. And I just need to try this time.

I'd like to talk to you just like somebody talked to me, to offer the comfort that was offered me when I needed it the most which is improbable given the circumstances but yet it is possible. As it is possible for me to find myself writing this through the night. For all of us to be here. For you to find a way...

Racederg, I love yah 💚

That... sets the mood, yes? I wonder what causes the stress look like this.