I hate my life...

... and I hate CFS.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

With everything that went down in the first half of 2020, including losing my job, getting the pre-stage of a brain tumor and later almost dying from poisoning, I "hit the wall" in mid June. Crashed. Mental breakdown. Whatever you wanna call it. It's when you're under so much stress that your brain is no longer able to handle it, so it boils. Completely fried.

The first weeks were pure hell. I could barely get out of bed. I could barely speak. I kept rumbling and shambling words together. Like, if I wanted to say "Can you fetch me a glass of water" (which was loud and clear in my head) what actually came out was either gibberish noises or completely random words like "can you drink the cat". It may sound very hilarious, but god damn it was just awful. It also lead to these terrible stages of where I felt so tired that my head felt like mush and I was ready to go to sleep... as soon as I woke up. But I couldn't sleep, because the body was rested and fully awake. It felt as if I had been awake for 72 hours but just couldn't sleep. It was absolutely awful.

From being a nurse working full time, playing games, sitting on the board of an association and taking care of my garden, I was now nothing but a husk. Cooking food is one of the greatest passions in my life that I love above almost anything else, and I couldn't even do that. Couldn't even play my favourite games. If I managed to get to the store to shop, I forgot half the items I needed. And writing them up in a list was no use, since I forgot that I had a list and never looked at it. I couldn't remember what I ate for breakfast or what someone said 2 min earlier. And when I was done with shopping and sat down in the car, I instantly fell asleep.

Super super slowly, it started to get better. Memory slowly came back better and better, and I started to be able to do more activities, such as cooking and gaming. Last week (end of Jan 2021) was the first week since summer where I've been able to put myself on a schedule and follow it. And that was only like, 2 hours of work per day and that is enough to tire me to exhaustion. Yet that still feels fantastic compared to where I was. But it's been 7 dark months before I reached that point.

The next dreadful thing are the "dips". I can have a decently normal week for a few days, and suddenly one day I feel as if I'm back in June and can barely get out of bed. Earlier today I did laundry and went grocery shopping, and when I came home I was so tired that I felt dizzy as if I was about to pass out, and had to sit down. Thankfully the dips are getting fewer and shorter, but when they happen they still make my life hell. I'm back to talking gibberish and losing my memory.

This is a terrible fucking handicap, and I hate it. And the worst part is that I seem completely normal. Those who knows me well IRL can see that I look tired, but thats about it, at least until I open my mouth and talk more gibberish. It's really hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it, so I can only give some examples to try and shed some light on what my everyday was. I can only hope that it keeps getting better and that I eventually can go back to a full schedule. I miss working, I miss gaming, I miss working in my garden. I miss cooking. I miss everything.

Leans against the door post for a moment, pulling a few quiet sobs before wiping her tears with the back of her hand and continuing into the bedroom to curl up on the bed, hoping that tomorrow will be less of a pain in the ass.

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This was a great YCH from  twoyorina and when I saw it I just had to get it. It spoke to me. I guess we can call it vent art or something.
Valcyrie belongs to me,  Valcyrie