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Don't get thrown off by the random title, this is a Harry Potter parody. Pure, unsupervised boredom is what gave birth to this ridiculous/funny tale, in which fourteen year old Harriet Tubman learns how to work her magic stick, and faces off against the evil Steven hawking.
No, I'm not on drugs. Just bored as sin. Enjoy.
In the middle of the night, fourteen year old Harriet Tubman sat in her bed, sewing. No, not Harriet Tubman the slave; the name is just a coincidence. This Harriet Tubman is Cuban, and paddled herself to Great Britain using the Underground Floating Door.
Anyway, she was sewing up her magical Hogwarts cloak. No, not that Hogwarts that Harry Potter went to; the name is just a coincidence. Harriet’s Hogwarts is a sister school to Pigfarts for the criminally insane witches and wizards. Harriet actually wasn’t insane, or a criminal, but since her parents were killed in a horrible Thanksgiving accident, she had nowhere else to go.
Suddenly, Harriet jumped up and down, yowling like she’d pricked her finger with a metal pin; as it turned out, she actually did. Her best friend, a random black girl named Rwanda, threw a pillow stuffed with knives and bricks at Harriet, shouting, “Shut up! I was having a great dream about your boyfriend!”
“Oy! Horton is NOT my boyfriend! I don’t date bookworms, or anyone smarter than me for that matter.”
“Yeah, yeah. Well, I’m gonna go back to dreaming about him. Goodnight.” Rwanda lay back in her bed, smiling like nothing had happened.
Harriet sighed, and silently pulled the sewing needle out of her finger, then pulled down the curtains around her bed to mop up the blood. She loved Rwanda like a sister, and was very glad that they’d both been sorted into the Straight house by the Scarf of Sexual Preference.
The following day, Harriet was called up to the Headmaster’s office directly after breakfast. She ran to find his office directly after finishing her Egg McMuffin, inevitably puking it up on the stairs. After ingesting some Pop Rocks and soda to replenish her energy, Harriet made for the Headmaster’s office again, this time puking right on his door. Sounding mildly amused, the Headmaster, Ronald Weasley, called out, “Come in.”
After taking her sweet time wiping the door clean, Harriet stepped into Professor Weasley’s office, looking around. It was a dull, square room, with a picture on the wall of Garfield the cat stating, “I hate Mondays.” Professor Weasley sat behind his desk, throwing darts at a poster of Justin Bieber, and said, “Thanks for coming, Harry. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”
“The name is Harriet, Professor. I’m a girl.”
“Well, maybe if you waxed your eyebrows, I’d be able to tell. You’re not here to get grooming tips from me, though. You’re here to learn how to defeat the evil wizard Stephen Hawking.”
“He’s a wizard?”
“He is now. He’s bad, real bad. He’s plotting to take over the world with wild theories about time and space and such. I’m going to tell you his one weakness, and your friends Ron and Hermione too.”
“Dude, Professor. What’s your problem? Their names are Rwanda and Horton.”
Just then, Rwanda and Horton walked into the room. Horton was short, and had little to no social skills. More often than not, he could be found levitating a book in front of him because he was too weak to hold it up himself. The three friends stood in front of Professor Weasley’s desk, waiting for him to speak.
Finally, after practicing that one weird face he always makes in the movies when he’s scared, Professor Weasley yelled out, “MARSHMALLOWS!,” at the top of his lungs. Then, after a minute or so of thinking something over, he muttered, “Marshmallows are the key to destroying Steven Hawking. If you use marshmallows to gum up the wheels on his chair, he’ll be vulnerable. It’s hard to summon marshmallows out of thin air, though, and it’s a spell that requires three people.”
Horton, being the smart one in the group, asked, “Professor, why don’t we just buy marshmallows?”
“Because in puffy form they are useless. You must use marshmallows that are fresh, and gooey. In order to summon your secret weapon, the three of you must stand back to back somehow, point your wands at the sky, and shout, ‘We summon the power of the great wizard Shoprite, to grant us access to the Marshmallow of Destiny!’”
Harriet furrowed her bushy brow, and asked, “Why do you need three people for that spell?”
“Because one is the loneliest number that you ever knew. Darn kids and your inability to grasp lyrics. You’re dismissed.”
Rwanda and Horton Disapparated on the spot, but since Harriet was left back a grade, she was never taught how. She contemplated facing off against Steven Hawking, and found herself looking forward to it. She said to herself, loudly enough for everyone in the halls to hear, “If it wasn’t for him, my parents would still be alive.”
Harriet’s thoughts traveled back to that fateful Thanksgiving in Florida, back in 1999, when Steven Hawking showed up at her house. Her parents had gone out of their way to impress him, and tried to deep fry a turkey. The turkey essentially exploded, and both of Harriet’s parents were overcome with batter and turkey meat. Steven Hawking, who had been close to the blast area, was hit in the frontal lobe with a thighbone, thus triggering his newfound knack for magic.
When Harriet snapped back to reality, she found herself standing at the top of the Dog Grooming tower, about to jump. She caught herself, and climbed down, mumbling incoherently about something or other. When she reached solid ground, Harriet realized that she was now ten feet away from the biggest bully in the Bi house. Falco Badboi stood with his hands on his hips, and smirked up at Harriet, who was considerably taller. “Well, well… You know you must be ugly if the dog groomers can’t help you.”
Harriet opened her mouth to speak, when she noticed Falco’s humongous friends/bodyguards/lovers, Lobster and Gar. Both grinned at her, and cracked their knuckles, and she bit back her retort. Instead, Harriet pulled out her wand, expecting a fight.
Falco laughed, and drew his own wand, pointing it directly at Harriet’s head. “Like the new wand, Tugboat? Oak, 9 ½ inches, Fabio hair core. It cost Daddy a fortune.”
“I could care less about your magic stick. You don’t even know how to use it.”
At that, Falco smirked, and shouted, “Flame On!” A small burst of flame lit up each of Harriet’s eyebrows, and by the time she had the sense to stop, drop, and rub her face in the dirt, her eyebrows were burnt off completely. Harriet pointed her wand at Falco, and yelled, “Piss Off!” Instantaneously, an ominous wet spot appeared on Falco’s crotch, and he tried his hardest to wipe it off. Lobster and Gar tried eagerly to help, but backed off when they were yelled at. In the confusion, Harriet managed to escape, and found her way back to the Straight tower.
Some weeks later, Rwanda tossed and turned in her bed, finding no comfort on her bed and pillows stuffed with rusty blades. Just as she began to drift off, she heard an evil, mechanical cackling from the ground below her window. She threw one of her pillows at Harriet, then got up to inspect the scene below. Waiting on the ground below was the evilest dark wizard to write a book with a misleading title: Steven Hawking. He rolled his motorized chair into the wall of the Straight tower, yelling quietly in his computerized voice, “Harriet Tubman, I’m calling you out.”
Thoroughly confused, and bleeding from several cuts on her head before the fight even started, Harriet peeked out the window, and shouted, “Come on up and get me… Oh wait! We don’t have a Stairmaster!” Harriet laughed, then ducked as a spell shot up towards her, and blew apart her favorite Hello Kitty curtain rod. Rwanda had already gone to wake Horton, so Harriet busied herself with pulling a few hairs out of her moustache. Once her friends appeared in the common room, with their wands drawn, she led them down the spiral staircase to meet their opponent.
Steven Hawking awaited them near a large pumpkin patch, looking as stiff as always. “Harriet Tubman… it’s been three years. I’ve finally come to destroy you for what you’ve done to me.”
Harriet crossed her arms as she drew near, and shouted back, “What do you mean? I didn’t do anything to you… you killed my parents!”
“No, Harriet Tubman… you did.”
Harriet furrowed her still hairless brow, and tried to remember that lethal Thanksgiving. Eventually, she had to ask, “How exactly do you figure that I killed my own parents?”
Steven Hawking revved the engine on his chair, his eyes sparkling dully. “You are the one who caused that turkey to explode. We were talking about my book, A Brief History of the Universe, and you were trying desperately to understand it. Your mind overloaded, and you let out an accidental burst of magic, which resulted in you blowing up the turkey. You killed your own parents, and gave me my powers!”
Harriet stood horrified, too surprised, shocked, and stupefied to move. An arm on Steven Hawking’s chair opened up, and a robotic arm placed a long, thin wand made of maple into his hand. He shot a spell at Harriet, who was still immobile, but she was pulled out of the way by Rwanda.
When Harriet finally came to her senses after three hours of being saved by Rwanda and Horton, she asked, “Wait. Stevie, since when can you speak Spanish?”
“What are you talking about, stupid girl? I’ve been speaking English this whole time! So have you, for a matter of fact.”
“Ridiculous. I’ve been speaking Spanish my whole life… Haven’t I?”
“Say something in Spanish.”
“…Something in Spanish?”
“Good enough for me. Now DIE.”
Steven Hawking screwed his eyes shut, and shot a killing curse at Harriet, who, in the span of this run on sentence, managed to jump out of the way, pull out her own wand, and shoot practically useless sparks into Steven Hawking’s face. He howled, and rolled around in circles as he tried desperately to shake his head. Harriet, Rwanda, and Horton stood back to back, somehow, and pointed their wands at the sky. Though they never practiced the spell once, all three of them shouted at once, “We summon the power of the great wizard Shoprite, to grant us access to the Marshmallow of Destiny!”
Almost instantly, a hail of marshmallow fluff fell from the sky, like a blizzard, but with sweet stuff. Because Steven Hawking was still howling and driving in circles, the wheels on his chair quickly caked up with fluff, and ceased to function. Naturally, Steven Hawking stopped, and cackled maniacally. “Fooled you, Harriet Tubman. I’m not the real Steven Hawking!”
A wisp of smoke and a hiss erupted from the chair, as “Steven Hawking’s” body was shot into the air. There he hung, suspended by a very obvious bit of wire, and his body began to change. He pretty much just turned black and put on sunglasses, really, and he uttered his final words… “I’m Stevie Wonder, bitch!” Shortly after, he was blown apart by a decidedly evil spell, straight from the real Steven Hawking, likewise suspended from a wire.
Harriet, Rwanda, and Horton stood horrified, staring at their true adversary as he spoke. “You see, I was actually magically healed after that accident… I can move fine now. But if anyone found out, I would lose my influence in the scientific community. They only listen because I’m stuck in a wheelchair, why else do you think I get away with such stupid theories? Anyway, the one thing that wasn’t cured was my Erectile Dysfunction, and my doctor says the only way to end that for good is to take your life… I don’t remember the reasons, exactly. So now, you and your friends are dead!”
Harriet gritted her teeth, and said, “We’re more than a match for you, Hawking! Isn’t that right, guys?” When she got no response, Harriet turned around to see Rwanda and Horton making out against the wall of the Straight Tower. When prodded with a stick and told to stop, Rwanda replied, “What? We’re gonna die anyway. Might as well make out with your boyfriend.”
“For the last time, he’s NOT my boyfriend! You can have him!”
Just as she turned around to face Steven Hawking herself, Harriet Tubman was destroyed with a killing curse. She flew backward, and hit her head on the wall. Horton had just screwed up the courage to stick his hand up Rwanda’s shirt when he, too, was killed, and fell on top of Harriet. Rwanda stood stock still, looking at her two slain friends, and then at Steven Hawking. Before she could beg for mercy, her life was stolen as well, and a hush fell over the castle grounds at last.
Some time later, in Heaven, all three friends met again, wearing white robes and little wings. They looked at each other, then at the suspicious looking old man with the half-moon spectacles staring their way. With a flick of his wand, Rwanda and Harriet were sent to the opposite end of Heaven, leaving Horton on his own. Horton wet his brand new robe, and asked, “Wh… who are you?”
“You can call me Albus. Now bend over.”
Back on Earth, Steven Hawking released a spell that created a black hole, and Hogwarts was sucked in completely. His task complete, Steven Hawking corrected his evil ways, confessed to being healed, and joined E-Harmony, hoping to finally hook up with someone.
~THE END~
No, I'm not on drugs. Just bored as sin. Enjoy.
In the middle of the night, fourteen year old Harriet Tubman sat in her bed, sewing. No, not Harriet Tubman the slave; the name is just a coincidence. This Harriet Tubman is Cuban, and paddled herself to Great Britain using the Underground Floating Door.
Anyway, she was sewing up her magical Hogwarts cloak. No, not that Hogwarts that Harry Potter went to; the name is just a coincidence. Harriet’s Hogwarts is a sister school to Pigfarts for the criminally insane witches and wizards. Harriet actually wasn’t insane, or a criminal, but since her parents were killed in a horrible Thanksgiving accident, she had nowhere else to go.
Suddenly, Harriet jumped up and down, yowling like she’d pricked her finger with a metal pin; as it turned out, she actually did. Her best friend, a random black girl named Rwanda, threw a pillow stuffed with knives and bricks at Harriet, shouting, “Shut up! I was having a great dream about your boyfriend!”
“Oy! Horton is NOT my boyfriend! I don’t date bookworms, or anyone smarter than me for that matter.”
“Yeah, yeah. Well, I’m gonna go back to dreaming about him. Goodnight.” Rwanda lay back in her bed, smiling like nothing had happened.
Harriet sighed, and silently pulled the sewing needle out of her finger, then pulled down the curtains around her bed to mop up the blood. She loved Rwanda like a sister, and was very glad that they’d both been sorted into the Straight house by the Scarf of Sexual Preference.
The following day, Harriet was called up to the Headmaster’s office directly after breakfast. She ran to find his office directly after finishing her Egg McMuffin, inevitably puking it up on the stairs. After ingesting some Pop Rocks and soda to replenish her energy, Harriet made for the Headmaster’s office again, this time puking right on his door. Sounding mildly amused, the Headmaster, Ronald Weasley, called out, “Come in.”
After taking her sweet time wiping the door clean, Harriet stepped into Professor Weasley’s office, looking around. It was a dull, square room, with a picture on the wall of Garfield the cat stating, “I hate Mondays.” Professor Weasley sat behind his desk, throwing darts at a poster of Justin Bieber, and said, “Thanks for coming, Harry. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”
“The name is Harriet, Professor. I’m a girl.”
“Well, maybe if you waxed your eyebrows, I’d be able to tell. You’re not here to get grooming tips from me, though. You’re here to learn how to defeat the evil wizard Stephen Hawking.”
“He’s a wizard?”
“He is now. He’s bad, real bad. He’s plotting to take over the world with wild theories about time and space and such. I’m going to tell you his one weakness, and your friends Ron and Hermione too.”
“Dude, Professor. What’s your problem? Their names are Rwanda and Horton.”
Just then, Rwanda and Horton walked into the room. Horton was short, and had little to no social skills. More often than not, he could be found levitating a book in front of him because he was too weak to hold it up himself. The three friends stood in front of Professor Weasley’s desk, waiting for him to speak.
Finally, after practicing that one weird face he always makes in the movies when he’s scared, Professor Weasley yelled out, “MARSHMALLOWS!,” at the top of his lungs. Then, after a minute or so of thinking something over, he muttered, “Marshmallows are the key to destroying Steven Hawking. If you use marshmallows to gum up the wheels on his chair, he’ll be vulnerable. It’s hard to summon marshmallows out of thin air, though, and it’s a spell that requires three people.”
Horton, being the smart one in the group, asked, “Professor, why don’t we just buy marshmallows?”
“Because in puffy form they are useless. You must use marshmallows that are fresh, and gooey. In order to summon your secret weapon, the three of you must stand back to back somehow, point your wands at the sky, and shout, ‘We summon the power of the great wizard Shoprite, to grant us access to the Marshmallow of Destiny!’”
Harriet furrowed her bushy brow, and asked, “Why do you need three people for that spell?”
“Because one is the loneliest number that you ever knew. Darn kids and your inability to grasp lyrics. You’re dismissed.”
Rwanda and Horton Disapparated on the spot, but since Harriet was left back a grade, she was never taught how. She contemplated facing off against Steven Hawking, and found herself looking forward to it. She said to herself, loudly enough for everyone in the halls to hear, “If it wasn’t for him, my parents would still be alive.”
Harriet’s thoughts traveled back to that fateful Thanksgiving in Florida, back in 1999, when Steven Hawking showed up at her house. Her parents had gone out of their way to impress him, and tried to deep fry a turkey. The turkey essentially exploded, and both of Harriet’s parents were overcome with batter and turkey meat. Steven Hawking, who had been close to the blast area, was hit in the frontal lobe with a thighbone, thus triggering his newfound knack for magic.
When Harriet snapped back to reality, she found herself standing at the top of the Dog Grooming tower, about to jump. She caught herself, and climbed down, mumbling incoherently about something or other. When she reached solid ground, Harriet realized that she was now ten feet away from the biggest bully in the Bi house. Falco Badboi stood with his hands on his hips, and smirked up at Harriet, who was considerably taller. “Well, well… You know you must be ugly if the dog groomers can’t help you.”
Harriet opened her mouth to speak, when she noticed Falco’s humongous friends/bodyguards/lovers, Lobster and Gar. Both grinned at her, and cracked their knuckles, and she bit back her retort. Instead, Harriet pulled out her wand, expecting a fight.
Falco laughed, and drew his own wand, pointing it directly at Harriet’s head. “Like the new wand, Tugboat? Oak, 9 ½ inches, Fabio hair core. It cost Daddy a fortune.”
“I could care less about your magic stick. You don’t even know how to use it.”
At that, Falco smirked, and shouted, “Flame On!” A small burst of flame lit up each of Harriet’s eyebrows, and by the time she had the sense to stop, drop, and rub her face in the dirt, her eyebrows were burnt off completely. Harriet pointed her wand at Falco, and yelled, “Piss Off!” Instantaneously, an ominous wet spot appeared on Falco’s crotch, and he tried his hardest to wipe it off. Lobster and Gar tried eagerly to help, but backed off when they were yelled at. In the confusion, Harriet managed to escape, and found her way back to the Straight tower.
Some weeks later, Rwanda tossed and turned in her bed, finding no comfort on her bed and pillows stuffed with rusty blades. Just as she began to drift off, she heard an evil, mechanical cackling from the ground below her window. She threw one of her pillows at Harriet, then got up to inspect the scene below. Waiting on the ground below was the evilest dark wizard to write a book with a misleading title: Steven Hawking. He rolled his motorized chair into the wall of the Straight tower, yelling quietly in his computerized voice, “Harriet Tubman, I’m calling you out.”
Thoroughly confused, and bleeding from several cuts on her head before the fight even started, Harriet peeked out the window, and shouted, “Come on up and get me… Oh wait! We don’t have a Stairmaster!” Harriet laughed, then ducked as a spell shot up towards her, and blew apart her favorite Hello Kitty curtain rod. Rwanda had already gone to wake Horton, so Harriet busied herself with pulling a few hairs out of her moustache. Once her friends appeared in the common room, with their wands drawn, she led them down the spiral staircase to meet their opponent.
Steven Hawking awaited them near a large pumpkin patch, looking as stiff as always. “Harriet Tubman… it’s been three years. I’ve finally come to destroy you for what you’ve done to me.”
Harriet crossed her arms as she drew near, and shouted back, “What do you mean? I didn’t do anything to you… you killed my parents!”
“No, Harriet Tubman… you did.”
Harriet furrowed her still hairless brow, and tried to remember that lethal Thanksgiving. Eventually, she had to ask, “How exactly do you figure that I killed my own parents?”
Steven Hawking revved the engine on his chair, his eyes sparkling dully. “You are the one who caused that turkey to explode. We were talking about my book, A Brief History of the Universe, and you were trying desperately to understand it. Your mind overloaded, and you let out an accidental burst of magic, which resulted in you blowing up the turkey. You killed your own parents, and gave me my powers!”
Harriet stood horrified, too surprised, shocked, and stupefied to move. An arm on Steven Hawking’s chair opened up, and a robotic arm placed a long, thin wand made of maple into his hand. He shot a spell at Harriet, who was still immobile, but she was pulled out of the way by Rwanda.
When Harriet finally came to her senses after three hours of being saved by Rwanda and Horton, she asked, “Wait. Stevie, since when can you speak Spanish?”
“What are you talking about, stupid girl? I’ve been speaking English this whole time! So have you, for a matter of fact.”
“Ridiculous. I’ve been speaking Spanish my whole life… Haven’t I?”
“Say something in Spanish.”
“…Something in Spanish?”
“Good enough for me. Now DIE.”
Steven Hawking screwed his eyes shut, and shot a killing curse at Harriet, who, in the span of this run on sentence, managed to jump out of the way, pull out her own wand, and shoot practically useless sparks into Steven Hawking’s face. He howled, and rolled around in circles as he tried desperately to shake his head. Harriet, Rwanda, and Horton stood back to back, somehow, and pointed their wands at the sky. Though they never practiced the spell once, all three of them shouted at once, “We summon the power of the great wizard Shoprite, to grant us access to the Marshmallow of Destiny!”
Almost instantly, a hail of marshmallow fluff fell from the sky, like a blizzard, but with sweet stuff. Because Steven Hawking was still howling and driving in circles, the wheels on his chair quickly caked up with fluff, and ceased to function. Naturally, Steven Hawking stopped, and cackled maniacally. “Fooled you, Harriet Tubman. I’m not the real Steven Hawking!”
A wisp of smoke and a hiss erupted from the chair, as “Steven Hawking’s” body was shot into the air. There he hung, suspended by a very obvious bit of wire, and his body began to change. He pretty much just turned black and put on sunglasses, really, and he uttered his final words… “I’m Stevie Wonder, bitch!” Shortly after, he was blown apart by a decidedly evil spell, straight from the real Steven Hawking, likewise suspended from a wire.
Harriet, Rwanda, and Horton stood horrified, staring at their true adversary as he spoke. “You see, I was actually magically healed after that accident… I can move fine now. But if anyone found out, I would lose my influence in the scientific community. They only listen because I’m stuck in a wheelchair, why else do you think I get away with such stupid theories? Anyway, the one thing that wasn’t cured was my Erectile Dysfunction, and my doctor says the only way to end that for good is to take your life… I don’t remember the reasons, exactly. So now, you and your friends are dead!”
Harriet gritted her teeth, and said, “We’re more than a match for you, Hawking! Isn’t that right, guys?” When she got no response, Harriet turned around to see Rwanda and Horton making out against the wall of the Straight Tower. When prodded with a stick and told to stop, Rwanda replied, “What? We’re gonna die anyway. Might as well make out with your boyfriend.”
“For the last time, he’s NOT my boyfriend! You can have him!”
Just as she turned around to face Steven Hawking herself, Harriet Tubman was destroyed with a killing curse. She flew backward, and hit her head on the wall. Horton had just screwed up the courage to stick his hand up Rwanda’s shirt when he, too, was killed, and fell on top of Harriet. Rwanda stood stock still, looking at her two slain friends, and then at Steven Hawking. Before she could beg for mercy, her life was stolen as well, and a hush fell over the castle grounds at last.
Some time later, in Heaven, all three friends met again, wearing white robes and little wings. They looked at each other, then at the suspicious looking old man with the half-moon spectacles staring their way. With a flick of his wand, Rwanda and Harriet were sent to the opposite end of Heaven, leaving Horton on his own. Horton wet his brand new robe, and asked, “Wh… who are you?”
“You can call me Albus. Now bend over.”
Back on Earth, Steven Hawking released a spell that created a black hole, and Hogwarts was sucked in completely. His task complete, Steven Hawking corrected his evil ways, confessed to being healed, and joined E-Harmony, hoping to finally hook up with someone.
~THE END~
Category Story / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 37.2 kB
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