Besides a few mistakes here and there, mostly in spelling, this is an excellent peice.

Shoot. Spelling mistakes? Where?

'Sonn' instead of 'Soon'
'tale' instead of 'tail'

Shizpizzle. D: Fail.

I'll fix that.

Fixed.
Yay for changing submission files.

Besides those the only other thing was the lack of indention.

I never indent. D: *Fails at indentation*

Oh, okay. Then it's an excellent peice. And you thought you couldn't write a short story.

It's killing me how short it is, but.. Oh well.

It's still excellent.

It was definitely an improvement over what I have seen, which I like to see, but try to watch your wording. I loved seeing some interesting words, but it can make it seem a tad choppy in places. It was an interesting portrayal of the character, in a way, but it is hard for another artist to capture the original intention of a personality.

try not to break it up into such small splurges, it also contributes to the choppy nature, and maybe try and elongate your sentences somewhat, make it flow a bit better. I like where you were going with it, however, great to see some improvement.

I know, I noticed the choppyness about halfway in and I couldn't get it to go away. Argh.

However, like I sad, I'll keep returning to this periodically as my story-writing skills grow/come back.

The main problem with this one, or so I believe, is that you can tell I was trying too hard.