Well fanfiction is fanfiction with less a critical eye then a normal story.
Second person is a the perspective usually to avoided with limited purposes. Most common a choose your own adventure or fetish work involving the reader. It relies heavily on feelings tied to reader. It is weaker due to the heavy emphasis on telling for the reader. If you want to use it here in this fanfiction it is your choice. Transformation works involve what is known as the liminal, what comes before, what is the in-between, and what comes after. As it is very character dependent we have little to work with here as character description lacks due there just being shorts.

Emotions and sensory though can be really reinforced here for the second person if it’s what you wish to use.

Tense sometimes slips. You want present tense for second person, and perhaps the only perspective you can do so freely.

Small grammar things like missing words sometimes slip stuff, up but that’s common for everyone so no big deal there.

You have very excellent environment description a great skill to have.

Good luck with the rest.

Thank you so much for the feedback!
I decided to try the second person as to give the reader the option as to:
- Taking this as choose your own adventure or an self insert style of a story
- Decide that the protagonist in the story is Colin himself
- Or to take this as a narrative kind of story they follow as they would be playing the game.

I do have a bad habit of letting the tense slips every now and then so I do need to work on that.

I am glad to hear that my environment description is doing well so far!

Thank you so much for your time in your comment it really means a lot to me!

I need help to access it

What's wrong? The download option should be just above that title. (You can read my reworked version on Royal Road, Changed -Awakening)