So we have an interesting prologue to introduce world through story told through myth. Some work and decisions to consider in myth relationships as myth is difficult to tackle. Also you have bad habit of that accursed American Simile to reel in abit.
“brown,bear”
Descriptors back to back, need a comma
Dragonfriend is sometimes split as dragon friend so pick one.
“burnished earthblood” -> What does this mean? If it is a unique worldly concept you need to provide a description for it.

The paragraph down below needs some fix up. The audience wants to know what this picture looks like. You don’t really connect through transition from the photo to what it is about to well. Needs short controlled bursts to express what is in the picture for the audience as you have lot of misplaced modifiers here. It is also filled with similes. With similes always ask if there is a better way. Can the descriptor be fine by itself without a comparison. Will another form of metaphor work better? Similes often short circuit itself.
“The larger quadrupedal figure shined like the noonday sun in the firelight, and the
smaller, bipedal figure stood beside him with a white colored circle around them. The elder
mouth(ed) an ‘ah’ as he turned to recount the tale which had given humanity their first home. It
hadn’t happened in his long life span, but his grandfather’s. He smiled at the thought, the tale
seemed like some light obscured by the dense and inscrutable fog of the past.”


“The larger quadrupedal figure shined in the firelight like the noonday sun” sometimes reversing word order for subject relationship makes quite a difference to a simile. Or shined in the firelight is simple enough.
“the tale seemed like some light obscured by the dense and inscrutable fog of the past.” <- this is just simile gibberish not really adding to him or scene as is.



“thought pictures with earthblood by his secret magics””….. What? Again, need some description. Stuff thrown out like this interrupts flow, again you need to provide description.

“With a deferential motion of dipping his head lowered,” make sure every word in a sentence make sense and serves a purpose. This sentence has redundancy by things inferred easily to audience. Occams razor, simplest works best at times. This is the line between purple prose and writing.

“And (as) he chuckled to himself he felt like one of those old trees ready to fall over.” Another bizarre simile of dubious intent.

“That was a mystery little,” (missing something here).

You have the kids sit down later on several paragraphs down, after he begins telling things. It goes against our sense of storytelling as usually people are sitting before the elder sits. Still your choice.


Alright, now the heavy lifting. We have the elder tell myth, the beginning myth to these kids for whatever reason.

The myth contains myth elements with no grounding in the beginning of the world. It is just terms thrown out with relationships with little thinking of those relationships. A good way to confused audience. What could help is some names for these deities. “Humans wept,” makes little sense here as you than go on with their survival. How much of this is important? How can you shape it to be more grounded in the believer and the world?

What are the kids to receive here? Just the nature of the creation of the world and the relationship between dragon and humans?

We then interrupt the tale and have dragon friend enter, but the elder is also dragon friend and thus some confusion to audience. He does not need to be here and can come later. This will aid the audience making more sense to the work and flow.

As for that relationship it is strange in tale formula. Dragon saves a guy’s life trying to get his mate back, but the dragon has killed all the people in the village. Asks him for a secret (but it is not really much of a secret and a weird thing to ask) and asks about a covenant which the man accepts. The man’s response is strange in relationship of what is lack and liquated the death of his wife. It is a strange reaction. The Dragon’s observations of humans also poor in the saving of the man and death of the village. Shouldn’t he have known of bride kidnapping? This is the tale that needs reworked as it is on shoddy grounds and could be made more powerful in thinking of what is at stake, the need and ownership of this tribe, etc. The tales moral is strong though, but getting there in the tale itself is what is muddled heavily in ethics, emotional soundness, and logic. Think on those relationships. It also needs a clean edit as there are plenty of weird terms thrown out using those myth elements that don’t provide much of anything.

So with rework I think you’ll get your beginning. Writing myth is hard, and myth is not always needed, but you a frame to support it which so many forget.

Could you further explain the frame I have for it? I'm a little confused by the term itself.

You have someone telling a story in the story, that is the frame.

Frame is a layer of story (does not have to be a story told) telling within a story.

Often people will try to start with beginning myth with no frame, and it utterly destroys their work.

Ah, okay. This advice will be helpful when I do revisions after the rough-drafting phase.