That's really heavy and I can understand this particular challenge.

i totally understand and get this state of being. I say pick and choose your battles and consciencely think about where you are and what you want and write it out, then you can weigh better when and where to be vulnable and when to be inside a fortress

Something I can understand. This is a lovely piece.

Mother should i build the Wall?

I think its understandable to build taller more heavily re-inforced walls when you've let folk in before and they've abused that vulnerability. It's scary opening the windows and doors again.

I've been trying to do the same. After my best friend killed himself I just..I guess deliberately distanced myself from absouletly everyone scared that if I get too emotionally attatched to someone then it would happen again...But that gets super lonely super quickly so you have to find some kind of middle ground I guess.

And then trying to find genuine people when you're known for being an artist...It's tricky. You think you click with someone and once they realise you care suddenly its "oh hey, now that we're friends you can draw me free stuff" My heart sinks every time that happens.

But you gotta keep trying. There are lovely people out there. I hope you find some that you can let them in.

Oh, that middle area is always being renegotiated. I'm quick to make connections & acquaintances, but pretty slow to make real friends most of the time because of how often it's not ended well. The "hey we're friends draw me stuff" thing is particularly difficult because I think it makes a lot of artists slower to befriend, which makes them seem standoffish, aloof, or cliquish, but it comes from a place of just protecting ourselves from being taken advantage of again. I love making connections with people but fear letting them in on too much of me will give them things to use against me later. I hold my cards pretty close for pretty long unless someone else vouches for you.

It's just especially rough right now because this year has made most of the in-person connections I treasure most impossible. Also, while I was drawing this, I was struggling heavily with something I knew I'd have to talk about sooner or later, but I was hugely worried about backlash. Thankfully, it went well, and I hope I can open up a little bit more based on those results. I don't just want to be an art feed; I'm a whole person. I try to be someone who, when someone meets me at a con or comes up to my table, is welcoming and just as excited to see a person as they are to see me. I miss that outlet & connection, and online just isn't the same especially with how short-tempered everyone has been (with good reason, but still).

It's scary but it's been worth it the more I find the right spaces where I belong.

This has been on my mind a lot from seeing so much on social media about others missing connection, and me realizing it's going on ten years since I had an in person friend or any real connection with anyone outside my family with the exception of one online friend I'll never meet in person. My doctors have gotten borderline pushy with wanting me to socialize in person and consider dating, but I don't want to get hurt again, and online conversations (even if I only say something once) always feel more genuine to me and don't run the same risks.

I hope you, and everyone else that's feeling isolated, are able to find that connection or fulfillment you're looking for.

If there is any comfort in the pain it may well be in knowing you are certainly not alone, and many of us have built similar shelters around ourselves. I sometimes think of mine have one of those half doors on the front so I can open the top and see people, and then close it when I need to. It does mean that most people are held at a distance because I am afraid of them seeing what is in the foyer so to speak let along anywhere else in the little shelter where I hide myself. I get mistaken for being open and super friendly, but it was how I was raised. Most of the time I am terrified to let anyone close, but I can't be alone, so much like your cycle, I let someone in sometimes with varying results.

I can definitely understand the 'draw me stuff' side of being an artist. On the other side of your fortress walls, I don't want to be a bother, but I don't want to see someone who may be in a rough spot left alone either, so I'll sit against this side of the wall where I can give you muffled hellos, make rude noises until you laugh with any luck, and maybe install a window so I can tape my sketches to it and go 'good gawd, how do I make my tiger moth look right?! I can't capture the adorbs on my on just yet!"

So yes. Safety of a wall, but someone there. Wait too long and knock knock jokes are going to happen through the wall.