(I drew and finished this in June. This is very belated because of issues with my schedule, phone problems, and mental health. I'm sorry for the confusion!)

I am once again apologizing for that pun.

I've been dealing with conflicting feelings of the matter of my gender for years now. When I was younger, I had girly things forced on me and (for a short while, I liked them 🤢) and it never quite felt right.

Sometime around 2003-2004, is when I started feeling more "masculine". (Guess what cartoon premiered in 2004 that didn't help with this... 👻)

This resulted in me being called a tomboy for YEARS. I accepted that label (as young dumb me thought it meant I was a boy/boy-like, which felt right). Once I got older and realized the word meant "rough and tumble/"boyish" girl, my acceptance of such a label started to wane, but I kept using it, as I had no idea as to what I describe my feelings as.

I never truly felt I was a "girl". I was assigned one at birth. I was treated as one as a young child. But, from 2004 on, I basically was (without sounding too ignorant/offensive 😬) "a boy in disguise". Luckily, I didn't know what the name of what I felt was... If I said it aloud, my very bigoted family would have had a fit.

In my teens, a fellow student pointed out (which may or may not be true, I haven't checked yet) that tomboys tend to be closet lesbians after a point. Me, being 14, got squicked out about this. Not because "ew, gay!" (Of course not, yikes 😬), but because "ew, sex!". (He didn't understand how mentally stunted I was then. Like... I was too innocent. Baby boy. Baby.) I ironically had strong crushes almost to the point of simping back then, but HEAVEN FORBID I get a bit horny, but whatever. 😆

(...he was half-right? I like both now, so...)

As I grew up, I was very repressed in both my gender identity and my sexuality. In fact, I thought I was asexual until I was 18. Then, boom. In kicks my actual sexuality: bisexuality. (But, I'm trying to keep this description as SFW as possible, so let's move on. 😬)

Back in my chatroom days, I used to like role-playing as male characters more than female. (Not that anything is wrong with female characters! I just started feeling... weird. Like, it wasn't a good fit.) When questioned about this, I just stated "I like playing guys". I didn't know why, it just felt right.

(Later, I had the same problem as an adult. I blew through SO many fursonas that were female because "they don't feel right". I searched to see if making a male Fursona as a "female" would be fine. The answer is yes. Life is short. If you want a male Fursona, make one. It's what you'd want to be as an animal, right? Well, I'd want to be a male animal.)

Being online, seeing the many different people from different backgrounds speaking up about how they feeling, asking others online for help, me researching it, it all clicked. I...


...am trans.

I fought with myself for a while. "I couldn't really be trans. You have to want to change your body, right? Well, I do. I hate my body. I hate the way it looks. I don't feel right in it. Okay, so I'm a little disphoric. Who isn't? I'm wrong for wanting to associate with a term like that this late. Why didn't I know sooner? Doesn't everyone know sooner? Well, I did... I always did. The 'tomboy' thing. Then, later with the male character roleplay. Then, with the more successful male fursonas. Something was clicking besides "I really like pretending to be a guy!". Maybe it was deeper than that."

Soon, as I matured more, it was clicking that it was much more than that. I was feeling disphoric and unhappy when being called female. I disliked shopping in the women's section. I hate my body more and more each day. I can't even look myself in the mirror. I won't see what I want to see from it. I angst and worry about what I would have looked like if I just had that ONE extra chromosome. If I wasn't cursed to a female-dominant family. Uggggggh... (Sorry, sorry, I'm sounding like an incel. I don't hate women. I just hate being AFAB myself. That's all.) There's more but that goes into TMI territory. 😬

...it was quite obvious at that point and I just accepted it. I have told no family member about this (outside of my mom, but I'm getting to that), because they wouldn't care/be bigots/tease me/worse. My second aunt repeatedly make homophobic/transphobic slurs and jokes all of the time (she has some sort of mental issue, but I can't diagnose her, I'm not a doctor and she listens to conspiracy nonsense, so yep. 😐 The former is definitely not an excuse for her behavior, though.) She understands (at times) that I dislike her (for many reasons, including that), but of course I wouldn't waste my time coming out to her. 😒

I casually told my mother one day. She kind of brushed it off. I told her again, more firmly, so she understood I was serious this time around. (I didn't want her to think I was LARPing or joking or etc.) She said okay. She, luckily, didn't tell anyone else, and I hope it's because she knows it'd be disastrous. Or, more-than-likely, it's because "you're autistic and making it up hurrhurr 🤣" 🙄

I make a point of bringing it up now and then, so she understands that my tastes changes. My hyperfixations change. My mood changes. But, my gender identity? That is serious. As of late, she calls me "sir" (she slips and calls me "ma'am" sometimes, but usually corrects it. If not, I'll say something. Unfortunately, when talking about me on the phone to others, she says female pronouns in reference to me, which just makes me cringe and I want to do something, but I know I can't... I can never tell if It's because she still sees me as her "daughter" or if it's to protect me. It's like having a secret identity, GAH!)

(Also, is it weird/bad that I was expecting her to be immediately gross towards me in an open way, whereas, the only thing she's done was say off-handedly one day "you're still my daughter to me" which is yikes, but after explaining how THAT is a problem to say, she hasn't repeated it? Maybe it's my depression talking, but I was expecting her to be "I HAVE NO CHILD, LEAVE MY HOME IMMEDIATELY CRETIN!" and she just... kinda accepts it? (Well, I guess. I hope she doesn't think it's a phase. I'm 23. It's not a phase, m- Dang It!) I feel that I had unearned acceptance from her and others were cruelly cast out by their parents for so little than wanting their love and affection despite who they are. It just feels wrong.)

And, that's how Danny Phantom made me realize I was trans! 😄

Rigby himself is not trans (I usually make my fursonas CIS, because personal reasons (long story short, having him be CIS makes me less disphoric, without sounding offensive)), he's sure rooting for me being Trans! 😄

He is however, like 98% of my characters, bisexual! So, yay!

(I hope my story wasn't insensitive, I suck ass at talking about subjects such as this without sounding like a complete ass somewhere. 🤦)

(Edit: Please, don't do like the person I had to block on deviantART and misgender me/question me (you know what I mean). Please be respectful.)