IN A WORLD... where human to animal transformation surgery is a fact of life, and Ed Bradley is still alive and still reporting for 60 Minutes, Dr. Moreau gives the final interview of his life.
ED BRADLEY: I'm Ed Bradley, and this is 60 Minutes!
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ED BRADLEY: Dr. Melvin Moreau, the father of modern trans-species surgery, consented to a rare interview just three days before his sudden death resulting from a car crash last week. Notoriously secretive throughout his life, he unburdened himself to 60 Minutes., beginning with this bombshell:
DR. MOREAU: Mister Ed was REAL!
BRADLEY: WHAT??
MOREAU: MISTER… ED… WAS… REAL!!!
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BRADLEY: But to put that revelation in perspective, we will begin with Dr. Moreau's life story.
Born in Scranton, PA, to middle class parents, he showed great interest in biology from a very early age. His mother recalls:
MRS. MOREAU: Oh, he was always messing with the bugs and the lizards and the frogs! He called them experiments… I called them torture! I gave him a smack every time I caught him at it!
BRADLEY: Upon graduating second in his class at age 16, he went on to study pre-med at Columbia and went on to Johns Hopkins for his medical training. One of his professors recalls:
PROFESSOR: Oh, he was always messing with the dogs and the monkeys and the pigs! ESPECIALLY the pigs! He called them experiments… I called them torture! But he always wrote up his results so as to make his data seem vital to medical science…
BRADLEY: Moreau finally showed a real aptitude in the science of tissue regeneration, and many of the results of his animal experiments seemed to point the way to cloning new limbs for amputees and other profound benefits for humankind.
Then, he shocked all his colleagues when he took a job at the Disney World Imagineering Department.
OLD COLLEAGUE: I just couldn't IMAGINE what they wanted with his MEDICAL skills down there!
BRADLEY: So now we know, Doctor. You were working on surgically transforming people into Disney characters.
MOREAU: That's how I got started in this business, yes.
BRADLEY: WHY, for the love of God??
MOREAU: Well, it had been my dream since I was five. My parents took me to DisneyLAND (there wasn't even a Disney WORLD then), and they told me I was going to meet Mickey Mouse!
Well, naturally I was excited! I had lots of questions for Mickey, and thought we would have a serious discussion. Then I found out it was just a guy in COSTUME! I can't TELL you how disappointed I was!
I resolved that day to figure out a way to create a more convincing Mickey, to really engage the kids. That was really the beginning of my quest! And when I got the chance to work for Disney, it seemed thamy life's ambitions could be fulfilled!
BRADLEY: For some reason, though, you got sidetracked into making human pigs. Why it that?
MOREAU: That, I guess, coincided with the premiere of The Muppet Show…
BRADLEY: You fell in love with Miss Piggy. At age nineteen. As a junior at Columbia.
MOREAU: You say that like it's a BAD thing. Yeah, I used to hang out with the guys in the TV room at the dorm, where we all got drunk and watched The Muppet Show.
BRADLEY: Now I KNOW that didn't happen.
MOREAU: OKAY! OKAY! I was up in my dorm room under the covers watching her on my twelve inch black-and-white portable! With the earphone in the jack! I couldn't HELP myself! I was SMITTEN!
BRADLEY: So you managed to surgically alter a human being into what we now call an "anthro" Miss Piggy at age 24. How is that POSSIBLE?
MOREAU: Well, this is the first time I ever told anybody. I… wasn't the first. The CIA was doing the same kind of experiments in the fifties.
BRADLEY: You're KIDDING!
MOREAU: It's true! I heard some rumors about it, and filed a Freedom of Information Act request to find out more. I got all their research data! It would've taken me YEARS to duplicate their results. Apparently THEY were building on research done by captured German scientists. I guess Werhner Von Braun wasn't the only guy with a paperclip on his file card.
ANYWAY, funny story about the CIA experiments. Are you READY?
BRADLEY: I'm on tenterhooks…
MOREAU: Well tenterhook THIS, wise guy: Mister Ed was REAL!
BRADLEY: WHAT??
MOREAU: MISTER… ED… WAS… REAL!!!
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BRADLEY: What do you MEAN, Mister Ed was REAL???
MOREAU: Just what I SAID! I guess I should explain.
It seems the CIA had found a way to transform their agents to quadrupedal HORSES. The idea was this: they would let these transformed agents loose on the Russian steppes, where they would have plenty of grazing land. They would just sidle right past top secret Soviet missile and nuclear installations, and observe closely. I mean, who's going to suspect a HORSE? Right? How they were going to report BACK I don't know. I'm not sure they ever figured that part out.
BRADLEY: And this program actually EXISTED?!
MOREAU: Oh yeah. Turned out they had actually done the procedure on eight volunteers. Didn't work out so well for most of them, though. Seven out of the eight died soon after, apparently in a blind panic. Their neural networks didn't match up very well, I guess.
BRADLEY: What's this got to do with Mister ED?
MOREAU: I'm GETTING to that. ONE GUY did VERY well with the procedure. He learned very quickly to use his horse body, obviously was conscious of his old identity, and soon learned to sort of talk. I mean, his speech center was intact, but he was trying to speak with a horse's tongue and teeth. If you listened very closely, you could kind of understand him.
Anyway, soon afterwards, Ike found out about the whole operation and shut it down. The team responsible went on to other things, though. The last I heard they were the ones who were trying to inject Castro with estrogen so his beard would fall out. Sure sounds like them!
BRADLEY: Talk about failing upward, huh?
MOREAU: Really. So ANYWAY… what was I saying? Oh YEAH! Mister ED! Well, that one successful transformee suddenly found himself in stuck a horse body with no program to train for. The agency couldn't bring themselves to destroy him, so they figured out a way to hide him in plain sight…
BRADLEY: Mister ED.
MOREAU: Mister Ed. The CIA had some contacts in Hollywood, and told them they had developed a super smart horse, and maybe someone should build a show around him. Long story SHORT, the pilot got sold, and the show ran for six seasons on CBS!
BRADLEY: That isn't HIS voice though. You can TELL it's DUBBED!
MOREAU: Right. Like I said, you had to listen really hard to understand him. Microphones couldn't pick his voice up. He just mouthed his lines. The big advantage was, he UNDERSTOOD the director, and did what he was TOLD!
Like the director said, "A horse that TALKS we can FAKE, but a horse that TAKES DIRECTION is worth his weight in GOLD! I wish we had a DOZEN MORE! It would make filming GUNSMOKE a BREEZE!"
BRADLEY: I don't know. I'm still skeptical. I heard they used to put peanut butter in that horse's mouth to make his lips move…
MOREAU: Well, the guy liked his PEANUT BUTTER! They gave it to him ad lib on the set. I mean, it was one of the few pleasures of his old life he could still enjoy. He WAS going to get a whole case of Jif dropped behind the Iron Curtain when the plan was for him to spy on the Russians.
He was always a PRO, too. Usually did his scenes in one take. I hear the guy who played Wilbur wasn't so good, though. Was half in the bag most of the time. I think he had an idea what was really going on and it messed him up. By the time he finished his takes, Ed was back in his trailer already. Yes, THAT kind of trailer.
Though I guess Ed made some trouble early on. Was trying some method acting crap on them. "Wha-a-at's my mo-o-o-tivation," stuff like that. The director said, "Ed, we love you, but it's in your contract. You f__k up, we have the right to sell you to the glue factory." That straightened him out in a hurry! From then on he hit his mark and said his lines!

BRADLEY: You keep calling him Ed…
MOREAU: Well, the program was Top Secret. He wanted his identity hidden no matter how the procedure came out. I can tell you this much: his first name really was Ed!
BRADLEY: NO WAY!
MOREAU: How's that for irony, huh?
BRADLEY: So what happened to him after the show went off the air?
MOREAU: Well, that part is pretty well known. They retired him to a ranch. He had a really good deal on residuals. Turns out he negotiated it himself without an agent. All he had was a handler. But everyone always said Ed had a lot of horse sen...
BRADLEY: If you DARE finish that sentence, I’m cutting off your mike!
MOREAU: Sorry. Anyway, they put him out to stud for awhile, and I guess he REALLY enjoyed that part. Said horse sex was the best he ever had. From what I understand, he just settled in more and more into his horse identity over the years, and in the end was just communicating by stamping his hoof once for yes and twice for no. He loved it when the kids rode him, enjoyed the occasional carrot, and just died quietly sometime in the late seventies.
BRADLEY: So that's how you were able to start transforming humans to animals yourself?
MOREAU: Yeah. Like I said, it saved me YEARS of research. I was able to turn out living human Mickeys and Minnies and Donalds and Goofies and Practical Pigs in no time. It's amazing how many volunteers showed up once word got out, too!
In fact, my most eager volunteer and the one happiest with their result was a guy, Nils Adacca, from some tank town in New England… I forget where… I made him into the VISION of Miss Piggy just to make him happy! It wasn't till years later Disney bought up Jim Henson's outfit, so I guess I was prescient there. The two of us were just following the same dream!
BRADLEY: So what happened to HIM… HER?
MOREAU: Well HE'S doing fine. Had a whole lot of adventures early on… had a Wagnerian mud wrestling act, barely escaped a slaughterhouse… never a dull moment! Which I think was a big part of his motivation in the first place.
Anyway, I still hear from HIM. I say HIM because he still uses his male name. Says he's "gender-fluid." Wears an N-Cup bra and he's "gender-fluid". Ass eight feet around and he's "gender fluid". Well, he's definitely not SPECIES FLUID. I took care of that!
Nice guy though. We like to hash out old times when we get together.
BRADLEY: So, would it be fair to say you have a pig FETISH?
MOREAU: Well, you know, FETISH is a really ugly word. Like, if a guy fancies girls with long shapely legs, narrow waist, high, pert breasts... (yawn) he’s (does air quotes) NO-O-ORMAL. But if a guy shows a preference for girls who are, say, four foot seven, 500 pounds, have a snout, pointy ears and a curly tail, and squeal when you make them... uh... happy, suddenly he’s got a FETISH!
BRADLEY: It’s just not fair...
MOREAU: YES! my words EXACTLY! Anyway, I like doing pig transformations especially because it's still a real challenge to do them well. Most people don't find pigs attractive, so when my services are engaged by an eager pig transformee I always go the extra mile to make them look really nice.
COWS are fun, too! For the same reason. Hippos, rhinos, elephants… ELEPHANTS are a REAL challenge! But foxes… everybody wants to be a FOX. I just can't see it. Oh… DUH 'cause they want to be FOXY! I GET IT! Doyyyyy...
And MERMAIDS! Don’t get me started on THEM! I run across a hundred hopeful Ariel’s and Madison’s a DAY! I won’t dirty my hands on them. In the first place, it only works if they stay mammals, so their lower half always looks like it came off of a manatee or a seal. No pretty irridescent scales. And they always whine about that!
CENTAURS? UGH! I have to explain to every Newton wannabe that a human mouth and stomach can NOT sustain a horse body, unless they want their lower half to look like it came off a Shetland pony. That’s usually when they lose interest. It’s just simple science! I’m not a magician!
BRADLEY: How about... say, dogs?
MOREAU: Dogs I'll do, but I really don't like doing it. Probably because of the type of people that want to BE dogs. "YES BOSS! pant pant ANYTHING YOU SAY, BOSS! pant pant!"
BRADLEY: Real TOADIES, huh?
MOREAU: No, toadies have their OWN issues. I was never able to do anything other than a mammal or a bird. I had some would-be lizard people come to me, but for one thing they wanted BREASTS! I said, "Hey, you want to be a REPTILE! What the hell do you want with MAMMARIES?!" It's like the COW wannabes who want both breasts and udders! Pick a LANE! But I really never could figure out how to do (does finger quotes) lower life forms. I know the reptile and amphibian people among us don't like that term, but I'm sorry. Too many technical issues for ME.
I mean, I hear some poor girl got herself made into a SPIDER just so she could star in "Charlotte's Web!" That's GOT to be a ghastly existence; I don't care HOW much money she gets! What's she going to SPEND it on? Imported artisanal FLIES?!
BRADLEY: So I see you have your standards after all, Doctor.
MOREAU: YES… I… DO! I kind of miss the good old days when a change of species to another mammal was a real BIG DEAL! Now people want to be SLUGS, HOUSE PLANTS , SEX DOLLS, POOL TOYS… AAAAUGH! Where does it END?! Call me old fashioned, but GEEZ… at least be a LIVING ENTITY!
BRADLEY: Well, Doctor, it's been an experience.
MOREAU: Thanks, Ed, You're a piece of work yourself.
BRADLEY: Three days after that interview, Dr. Moreau perished after a car crash. He was still alive when he reached the ER, but the attending surgeon could only save his life by transforming him into a pool toy. Moreau, who had always been deathly afraid of the water, refused, and perished on the operating table.

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