Penelope Bacon's Further Adventures as A Quad Sow: First Day at The Farm

"So how do you like it so far? Never saw yourself eating grass, I'll bet!"

"EEEP! Hello?"

"I guess I'm the first pig you were able to talk to so far, huh? I guess that makes sense, being your first day here and everything…"

"Yes. Hey, you have a pretty deep voice. Are you a BOAR?"

"Well, no… I like to think I can hold up my end of a conversation and even be WITTY at times…"

"NO! I mean B-O-A-R! BOAR! Male pig! I'm not supposed to be near you guys!"

"Yeah I know what you meant. Just trying out some of that wit I was telling you about. You NEED to keep your sense of humor around here.

Oh, and don't worry about me, Sweets. I'm SPENT! I was all morning donating semen in that shed over there."

"So THAT'S what that noise was?"

"Yeah… That was me. Superhog. And you can't actually call it a DONATION when you don't have a say in the matter, and your partners are a couple of farm boys with calluses. Just give me a MAGAZINE or something… Playboy… Playboar… I don't care! ANYTHING but the ministrations of Elmo and Clem! GEEZ!"

"It's a tough job, but SOMEBODY'S gotta do it, I guess…"

"Well at least I'm done work for the day. And listen, you'll need to learn the ropes around here, Newbie. Any sow worth her snout could clock me as a boar within thirty yards by my SCENT. And I knew you for a transformed human before I rounded the corner there. Just by your smell! We ALL have it. That's why the normal pigs won't come anywhere near us.

"Um… I think the expression is 'CIS-pigs,' or 'cis-SPECIES' pigs…"

"Oh look what we have HERE! The world's first ever P.C. PIG! Look around you, Hon. You, and every other pig here are eating from a trough and wallowing in mud! NO ONE CARES what you say! Whom are you going to OFFEND?"

"Well… I…"

"NOBODY, that's who! And I hope you don't find THIS offensive, but I would lose that blonde wig A.S.A.P. I can tell you're a former patient of Dr. Monroe. That's his idea of humor."

"Yes, I noticed it was dragging in the mud and getting leaves and straw in it…"

"That's the LEAST of your worries. It's going to attract you some unwanted SUITORS…"

"You said the cis-pi… umm… REGULAR pigs wouldn't come NEAR us!"

"Oh, you don't have to worry about the BOARS, Sweetie. Monroe was right about THAT. You DO, however, have to watch Elmo and Clem! Monroe didn't say ANYTHING about that, did he?"

"You don't mean… EEEEEEWWWWW!"

"Ewww NOTHING! There's a reason there's guys lined up six deep for a job here, and it isn't the salary; it's the FRINGE benefits! And that wig is just ENCOURAGING them! Not that they NEED much…"

"Why are you TELLING me all this?"

"Because, except for the gender difference, I was where you are a month ago! Yeah, I went to Monroe TOO! I was a talent agent and contract lawyer, but I had stars in my eyes…"

"What do you MEAN?"

"My contacts in the business SWORE to me Warner's was casting the new PORKY PIG. And I've always done a MEAN Porky Pig! Listen, 'M-m-m-mon-mon-roe t-t-turned m-m-me i-i-i-nto a p-p-p-piiii… a p-p-p-piiii… a p-p-p-piiii… a S-S-S-SWINE!'"

"Not bad…"

"Not BAD?! Sweetie, that was DEAD ON! Oh, I was going to make MILLIONS… live in a custom-made cartoon HOUSE done in garish pastels… date a sexy anthro Petunia Pig…"

"Just living the DREAM…"

"YES! And the thing is, I know contract law! They couldn't put anything over on ME! Oh, I didn't need another lawyer to read it over, no SIR!

You see, that Monroe is a SNEAKY son of a bitch! He PRETENDED to insist on giving me a PERMANENT stutter, so I would always remain in character!"

"That's RIDICULOUS!"

"That's what I said! I said Mel BLANC didn't need no permanent stutter! Billy WEST didn't need no permanent stutter! He said 'what if some KID comes up to you in the street and you forget to stutter when you talk to him?' I told him I wouldn't forget… I was a method actor… we went ROUND and ROUND and ROUND on this, until he finally caved."

"Well, you DO have nice diction. I noticed."

"Yeah, THANKS. Fat lot of good THAT does me now. What I didn't know at the time was this whole thing was to distract me from reading the REST of the contract. It is the most diabolically convoluted piece of paper I have ever seen in all my years of law! Somewhere hidden in one of its sub-sub-clauses it says the Party of the First Part (that's me), has to SPECIFY if they want to walk on two legs. Otherwise, it is ASSUMED you want to walk on four!"

"YEEEEEEEEEESH!"

"And then, when you wake oinking and squealing that this wasn't at ALL what you wanted, they pull that bit about you wanting to be a pig, now you're a pig, why are you complaining? Don't look at me like that. They pull that act on everybody!"

"I didn't know…"

"Of COURSE you didn't. NOBODY sees it coming. And THEN, they fill you with the fear of God about not being able to pay your BILL! THEN, they drop the bomb about you "working it off" at the pig farm, and you're supposed to be so grateful. And THEN, they say the position is permanent, because, well, now you're a pig, and how else are you going to live? And BESIDES, as livestock, you have no rights!"

"That's EXACTLY what they said to ME!"

"You, me, and every other trans pig I've talked to around this place! Well, I was in a state of shock, so I agreed to it, naturally. It only hit me days later… if we have no RIGHTS, because we're LIVESTOCK, we have no RESPONSIBILITIES either! If, as they say, we are no longer HUMAN, there is no WAY we can be responsible for our MEDICAL BILLS!"

"So what good does that do us now?"

"No good at all, because as livestock, we have no rights. Like they said. But it's just the PRINCIPLE, you know? Like THEY'RE the wounded party, because they just want their money!"

"So what happens to us NOW?"

"I think Monroe made that very CLEAR. I'm pumping out pig jizz till I run dry, and you, well I hope motherhood agrees with you!"

"UGH!"

"Was that a human grunt or a pig grunt? Doesn't matter. Within a few months you'll be oinking and grunting every third word. I've talked to some of the trans-species sows that have been here the longest.

They still remember who and what they were, and they can even still TALK. They just hardly ever bother anymore…"

"WHY??"

"Well, just think about it. Every day from now on, you and I will wake up as pigs, eat out of a trough like pigs, go to the bathroom in the straw like pigs, wallow in the mud when we're hot like pigs, and, except for around the eyes, LOOK just like pigs. You must have noticed those unbreakable mirrors they set in the pens just at our eye level. Just in case we forget for a fraction of a second. Well, after a couple YEARS of this, day after day after day, with no mental stimulation, we're going to FEEL like pigs. We'll just 'go native,' like they used to say. I talked to one…ahh… 'husow' who's been here three years. It took me all afternoon one day between oinks and grunts to get the story, but she told me why she stopped resisting. She said she couldn't help but feel motherly toward all her litters of piglets, that the endorphin rush from having eight nipples sucked on all at once beat the hell out of heroin, and no side effects! She's lying there in the mud nursing piglets and she's worried about SIDE EFFECTS! Finally she told me she didn't even want to TRY to talk any more. These days, she said, 'oink-oink! pretty much says it all.'"

"Oh my GAWWWD!"

"So yeah… that's what YOU'VE got to look forward to. All in all, it doesn't sound so bad. "When you ain't got nothing you got nothing to lose!' As long as you can steer clear of Elmo and Clem. For ME, it’ll be an endless cycle of frustration and relief. Chances are you'll get some of my sperm one of these days, so I guess I'll ask you to be nice to my kids. And THAT, I guess, is THAT! I'm sure I'll be seeing you around. And OH… AGAIN! Lose the wig!"

"And that's all you have to SAY?"

"Well, just one more thing. Thuh-THEE thuh-THEE thuh-THEE thuh-THEE thuh-THAT'S ALL FOLKS!"