Diary. April 5th '10.
"What is going on in my life now? Why does it feel so dull? Spring is here. Winter has passed us. The sun is out. Why do I still feel groggy and slow? The coming of spring is like a new year for me. A new start. But I don't feel that. Today is like the same like any other day for me.
I'm not motivated to do anything. I remember graduation 4 years ago. Getting my BFA soon from college. Did I really deserve it? Did I work as hard as I thought for it? I felt like I didn't. Everything is all he same for me. I felt like all I did was crap and they just want me out.
I'm not pleased with my style. It doesn't speak to me. My professors said that everyone has their own style - a reflection of themselves from the inside, shown by lines and color. I feel like mine is a mess. Hardly use color in my works. Im envious over other people's styles. People with futures.
I don't have an job in art. My portfolio is not strong enough. My style is not unique. It's not respected professionally. My skills are small compared to others. Was art really my passion? Should I want to go down that road? I have to. Got to get my BFA. I'm obligated. Everyone in my class got a job in the arts. I'm the only one left out. Black sheep who couldn't.
What am I going to do with my life? Every year is the same. Nothing really changed. No motivation. Got a job. Not an art job. Crappy job. Pays the rent. What I do for commissions pays for food. Not much. Just enough for two meals a day. That's enough. Felt like my style hasn't grown. Maybe it has. I can't see it. I try to push myself. Everything comes out the same. No big projects. Have some in mind. Ending up asking myself 'Why should I start? Why should I do it? A waste of time to even start.'
No motivation. That's it. 'Get motivated!' That's what my professors told me. I draw because it's me. Draw a picture every day. A doodle. It's like a drug. A daily fix. Venting. Venting is good. Get it all down on paper. Whatever I feel, I put down on paper.
I'm not a hermit or shut-in, but I hardly leave the house. Always in my room, sitting at my desk. TV next to me. Computer right in front of me. Art supplies at my feet. hardly go out except for food. Friends are all busy at work. Away in another state. Doesn't want to hang out. Don't know any other artists. Can't really draw with anyone else.
I splash water in my face. Cold water. Was hoping that would wake me up. Get some sense into me. It doesn't. I look in the mirror and ask myself 'Why?'. Can't really answer my own questions. Being an isolated starving artist sucks...
Need to get motivated. Clothes stink. I need to do a wash. After that, not sure. Maybe doodle something. At least that is drawing something. I'll talk to you later."
A Wet Face © 2010 Alex Cockburn
"What is going on in my life now? Why does it feel so dull? Spring is here. Winter has passed us. The sun is out. Why do I still feel groggy and slow? The coming of spring is like a new year for me. A new start. But I don't feel that. Today is like the same like any other day for me.
I'm not motivated to do anything. I remember graduation 4 years ago. Getting my BFA soon from college. Did I really deserve it? Did I work as hard as I thought for it? I felt like I didn't. Everything is all he same for me. I felt like all I did was crap and they just want me out.
I'm not pleased with my style. It doesn't speak to me. My professors said that everyone has their own style - a reflection of themselves from the inside, shown by lines and color. I feel like mine is a mess. Hardly use color in my works. Im envious over other people's styles. People with futures.
I don't have an job in art. My portfolio is not strong enough. My style is not unique. It's not respected professionally. My skills are small compared to others. Was art really my passion? Should I want to go down that road? I have to. Got to get my BFA. I'm obligated. Everyone in my class got a job in the arts. I'm the only one left out. Black sheep who couldn't.
What am I going to do with my life? Every year is the same. Nothing really changed. No motivation. Got a job. Not an art job. Crappy job. Pays the rent. What I do for commissions pays for food. Not much. Just enough for two meals a day. That's enough. Felt like my style hasn't grown. Maybe it has. I can't see it. I try to push myself. Everything comes out the same. No big projects. Have some in mind. Ending up asking myself 'Why should I start? Why should I do it? A waste of time to even start.'
No motivation. That's it. 'Get motivated!' That's what my professors told me. I draw because it's me. Draw a picture every day. A doodle. It's like a drug. A daily fix. Venting. Venting is good. Get it all down on paper. Whatever I feel, I put down on paper.
I'm not a hermit or shut-in, but I hardly leave the house. Always in my room, sitting at my desk. TV next to me. Computer right in front of me. Art supplies at my feet. hardly go out except for food. Friends are all busy at work. Away in another state. Doesn't want to hang out. Don't know any other artists. Can't really draw with anyone else.
I splash water in my face. Cold water. Was hoping that would wake me up. Get some sense into me. It doesn't. I look in the mirror and ask myself 'Why?'. Can't really answer my own questions. Being an isolated starving artist sucks...
Need to get motivated. Clothes stink. I need to do a wash. After that, not sure. Maybe doodle something. At least that is drawing something. I'll talk to you later."
A Wet Face © 2010 Alex Cockburn
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*offers a hug and a cup of tea*
Same this, same that, same old bullshit.
I want to draw, but I can't.D: I'm goin' for my BFA too.
Haven't started yet though, and I'm thinkin' I'll end up like that too.
Don't know until you try it. I'll see where I go.
Thanks for posting these things.
Instead? I'm an Accountant, thanking my lucky stars that I thought ahead and double-majored when I had the chance, working for the state government. And my school has a 95%+ placement rate for their tech students.
It happens sometimes. The thing to keep in mind is that you can still do what's important to you in a different field - I'm working my way towards creating a new classification for myself, "systems accountant," that basically translates into a hybrid of the two fields. So don't forget that you can still do the arting in whatever field you end up with. :)
But, I've learned you can't judge yourself against others, and you can't spend your life regretting your choices. Just because you get overlooked, or just because your passions change between college and going out into the job market, that doesn't mean you've failed. Or that you're in any way inferior to any of those other people. If I'd let myself feel like that, I don't think I'd have ever come as far with my writing as I have. What's more, in some ways, I think I got lucky. If I had gone into that history career, maybe I wouldn't be sitting on two novels in progress, and a whole stack of short stories just waiting to be published. That's maybe not as good as being able to say that I'm a published novelist. But I've had some local attention, and I know what I want to do with my life.
All that, to just basically say that following your dreams is what matters, much more than "success", as most people would qualify it. The only way to fail is to give up on yourself.
*Not to deny the value of teachers. But it's hard to feel envy for something you don't want to do.
As for not having any future in art, look no further than this fandom. I think
Hang in there! *offers hug*
I spent my entire education learning one field and ended up finding a successful career in another. I remember beating myself up over my lack of talent and the poor quality of my work-- up until I was suddenly rewarded for simply having stuck it out with my job for as long as I did. You never know when the break is going to come, but it will come-- if you don't give up.
Do that laundry, draw that doodle, and keep splashing water in your face. Whatever it takes to stay in the race. Just don't ever give up. Tomorrow might be that big day, or the day after, you never know. But you'll never know if you're not still in the fight.
A wonderful snippet with a great image to portray it.
Great work