Stop being soooo I HATE THEM RELIGIONS n' stuff. cause I see too much of that, also I is harsh critique

I only sped read it.

:V

it's not a "i hate religions" crap, just something i thought up earlier which happens to do with religions xD

and harsh critique = good critique for me
:D

Needs more imagery that isn't straight to the point, for example

"we talk and share with each other, laughing at things that have happened and sharing secrets of our organizations"

If you want to keep it light hearted and friendly this is addiqwut (a word which fails my vocabluary), but since this is a short story, you want to develop charecter a little more sooner than later. I seem to think that these chars seem quite similar Which is boring. To make it interesting we add charecter in words and speech

Mike seems to be comfortable around me, even sharing stories
And jokes from his past assignments. This surprises me. I try to remind myself that this is a mission, not something to be taken lightly. = crappy. But an example
On creating charector and mood.

ah, thanks ^-^

I basically just said what the oter guy said but in tolbia language



BTW I JA TO WRITE THAT ALL WITH AN IPOD, AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS THANKS?!?!!!?

DDD8<

xD
fair point,

well since you wrote it all on an ipod then...

uhm...

i can't muster up the usual thing people do with the whole "oh thank you so much <3333"

so...

thank you very much and it makes me feel special that you wrote that on an ipod.

xD

TOO MUCH SPACING IN MY COMMENT!!!! D:

IT'S OKAI IT MAKES IT LOOK LONGER

YAY

Well you have an interesting story idea that could have potential if you wished to actually use it, despite being a test. Its hard to critique something of this shortness. It is hard to balance description with first person. You need to build up your imagery with detail via angles and action. Basically show not tell your audience and let them explore your world conveyed despite Jonathan’s perspective instead of draw it out from just his thoughts. First person is difficult for developing writers for it creates a catch-22 like the ladder where description and characterization is lost. Now, Jonathan's characterization is not bad and seems a good foundation on which you could build if you chose. You also had a character introduce himself which ruins flow and lessens rhetorical presentation through narrative elements. It is better to introduce characters through action, dialogue, and other characters.
Still not bad, the description you have is well off , just need to build on it more to examplate the world your conveying and bring it to life and flow.
Just keep practicing, for that’s what writing takes, more writing and time. Good luck with future works and developments.

thanks ^-^

basically i used this as a test writing to see if lacking information/description and basically running it down to basics would be an effective piece.

much appreciated your help is though :D

its good, i really like it and the style is very fluant etc...

the sentance 'i walk down the abandoned street' doesnt work because it is too similar to the previous sentance 'as i walk' the use of 'i' makes it sound repatative and badly thought out when that isnt the case.

aslo the line about being hitlers perfect nazi is unessasary and distracting without more depth.

the rest has been covered by other comments.

good work though