hokay >_o I'm gonna be frank, here- i.. couldn't read past the third paragraph. it's.. over-written? i suppose? and .. more than a little confusing, just sort of in general- like,i just now read the first sentence again for the third time and finally understood that kesslan was walking along the launch bay and smelled the incense the most notably when he walked past the power suits..
some of the punctuation is weird, too- a Period means that the sentence is over. that's the end of a thought- but a few times you pick up the thought again in the next sentence, so there's this.. really weird mental break when you're reading it...

Iunno, i suck putting ideas as abstract as criticism into words- if you like, i can see if i can re-write the first three paragraphs to help illustrate whatever the hell it is I'm trying to say- because, i got to admit, I -want- to read it, b'like.. it's in the way of itself, or something >_o

Fair enough.

And it is grammatically a little odd to begin with, I'm actually rather aware of that, but some of that comes from, I suppose how I'm trying to write it out in the first place. Some of it is intentional, compartmentalized thinking, if that makes any sense. That said it may well not work well in the written form, or I'm going about it wrong in trying to.. express it?

hm.
knowing where you're coming from as far as the compartmentalized style goes makes a huge difference, as far as reading goes (made it all the way through this time, and i can safely say "not bad").. the way it's coming across, I think it needs to stay in the third person (mostly due to the amount of background that needs to be included to paint a clear picture for those of us unfamiliar with your world) but it seems like the compartment-thinking sort of style works best in the first person, generally speaking.

the only other major nitpick i'd have, the original one having been.. more or less resolved (on my end, at least), is sort of.. ehm, let me just show you-

the way you wrote it-
"Indeed encountering a foe equipped with a variable shield could risk rendering a laser entirely useless or at the very least seriously weaken its effectiveness."

the way I wrote it
"Indeed, when encountering a foe with a variable shield, one risked their laser losing its overall effectiveness, if not being rendered effectively useless altogether."

the way I'd edit it if I were a beta/editor trying to keep your original work intact-
"Indeed, encountering a foe equipped with a variable shield could risk rendering a laser entirely useless- or at the very least seriously weaken its effectiveness."

though, at this point, it might just be me incapable of being able to tell the difference between "wrong" and "style"- but hopefully you can see where I'm coming from, if nothing else, and even if the picture's a little blurry x3

Woops, check below. Accidentally did a reply to initial posting than reply to you.

Well it's all valid points, and something I'll try to keep in mind in the future.

Part of the problem also stems from the fact that while I have a good deal in mind already while writing, and indeed a good number of notes on various things, as I write, I find I'm missing something here and there. By and large a lot of that is also the tiny details that make a setting really breath. Some of my writing, such as with the Mirr'cha, was written and done. That was it.

This story however I had to write, then rework entirely at least twice before I was moderately happy with it. It never seemed to be quite right.

I think it will be some time yet before I'm really able to do some good solid writing, but it's also why I often ask for constructive criticism. I hope in time, with good feed back (Such as you have provided) I can improve my writing. It's because of the writing, rarely being happy with it, that I've not posted more than I have, and indeed only started doing so relatively recently.

This was nice to read. Admitidly, the spiritualism and the reverence for the exosuits did make me think of Warhammer and the 'Machine Spirits'.
It was good, also taking into account that airlocks would tend to be well protected.

In this particular case it was perhaps a bit more inspired by the Samurai. Warhammer itself may have played as a bit of an influence as well though. I'm a big fan of Sci-fi in general though I still pull ideas from warrior cultures of our actual past.

Well, warrior-reverence of dependable weapons is on part common sense and one part 'mystical'.

"This sword which is very sharp and well maintained and has lasted since my Grandaddy got it forged, is dependable and sharp because it is blessed daily as I clean it reverently.."