Oh man, tenses are fucked, seriously, third times the charm, work on the killing the habit because its killing the work.

PAST TENSE https://www.grammarly.com/blog/simple-past/

When do you present tense?: When overlapping narrative frame. Are you doing so here? No? THEN NO USE FOR IT.

Beginnings are important, they serve to draw audience into the work. Put commas between Omniopetia lists.

"Sizzle Drip Splash The Constant sounds of water falling from the shower head was beating through Sam’s mind. It was enough to help give his brain a small jump for the day. In all consideration, his warm water will soon be missed when he reaches outdoors. The weather in Saffron, a delicacy to visitors as moderate snow and ice cover the graying yellow streets. Sounds of Pidgey and other bird Pokémon chirping outside of Sam's bathroom window are filling the cold and windy air, drowning out the everyday noise of cars, complaining children, and the strong cold breeze that carries into the partly snowed city."

The work gets sunk first paragraph here with the intense grammar issues mainly in subject verb agreements sentence to sentence Basically this makes it unreadable.


Second issue, nothing happens until "Excuse me, Mr. Officer.” " The audience needs a beginning, you shuffle with pointless things in and out of flow. Find a start. In flow one things needs to lead from the next logically. We go shower, city, out of shower, items for work, remembrance. Many of these aspects not needed or framed. So city -> Shower. Shower-> remembrance. Leave to work -> city. Or simply City cut to little girl. Telling plot is one thing, learning to show plot through action is another.

There is absolutely no character description and pokemon description.

So think of what your doing, what needs to happen, why you are doing it?, why it needs to happen? Does it make sense? Does it have a purpose etc.

You'll get there.

A critique is a critique, but this story is a year old. I've only recently touched on it again, and I thought I didn't have as many issues as before. Apparantly, I have a poor eye for finding tense issues in my writting. I still do appreciate the source for fixing this sort of thing. I'm a little opposed in feelings at the moment. I was going to post Parallels Chapter 2 today as well. But, it now has me nervous about what I wrote. Not that I'm oblivious to my mistakes, but, finding them I have to re-read a bunch of times just to find them on my own. Let alone when other people point them out.

Regardless, Thanks for your feedback. Apologies for the poor work.

Is there a way for me to communicate to you differently. I understand that this is a bit critical in my writing and I would like to understand more on what's wrong about this. Other than what you've said here.