It's been year since my father's departure, on this same day.

It has been a rough year, still crying from time to time thinking about him.

Mentally, I'm pretty messed, it feels a weird dream.
Living in denial, even tho, I say he passed away and talks about him, but deeply in my mind, it feels
I'm talking about someone else, and he is still in the house, sitting in his couch watching TV, like always.
Occasionally, I'd wake up in panic, for a second thinking "Oh my God, why did I stop visiting my dad!? How long it's been!?"

This denial state, it's the only thing that keeping me contained.
If I try to think that he's the same person who has passed away I'll start breaking and crying.
My mind just can't accept this idea, it reverts back to denial.

I wonder, my father loved his father as much as I loved him, how did he moved on?
Maybe he had us and my mom, he saw new hope in us, in his life. But I've nothing.
I had to keep everything in me. And the way life treated me..
Sometimes I want to talk, but I can't talk, I can't find the words, it's hard.
Have I lost my sanity?

I'm trying to move on, but for what? What do I have worth moving on for? I keep wondering.
How do you move on when time feels frozen around you?
Without him, it's like I lost that one star that was lighting my way and guiding me in the dark.


"When the night is young, and people are asleep, my feelings would overflow, even the moon fades away,
for me to remain all alone, when I say I'd forget them, my eyes fill with tears, and my heart burns with sorrow and longing"

I don't know why I wrote all of this, but I felt to.


Daddy, I can't give you a flower, but I drew this flower for you.
Hopping one day, we would meet again.
I love you.