Allyssa lost her mate a long time ago, more than two irl years, yet he still completely captivates her heart... There was nothing special about her mate to anybody else; to everybody else, Graelin Starfire was just a generic Combat Grunt character with "insert here" mystical force augmentation to his 'skills'... but to her, he was everything, her knight, her happiness, her safety, her hope, her future, and the justification for her past. She loved him more than my feeble, mortal mind can ever adequately express.
...and lately, she has been haunting me with this nonstop.
I had to let it out and it spilled all over this page.

There's a cruel irony here... In the beginning when they were first together, she made graelin promise he'd find someone else if she couldn't be there for him... she didn't want him torturing himself if he missed her. she didn't want him locked in a cage.
Yet here we are, years later... she tortures herself with missing him, and can't imagine not. Her heart is locked in a cage that she can't live with opening. Hence the text.
She didn't want him breaking himself over her.
Yet she broke herself over him.

Feeling like a hypocrite is ... just a merciful distraction from the longing ._.