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Story / Animal related (non-anthro)
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Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse | Pinion's Story
The end of the world is at hand and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse stride forth. Unfortunately, due to a celestial mishap, the Horsemen have all incarnated as non-anthro flamingos.
Follow Pinion - Death itself in flamingo form - as it identifies its life's purpose. It's going to need your help: not only did it hatch a long way away from the other Horsemen, but it's also trapped in a zoo.
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Pinion and The Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse story © thecharacterconsultancy
Artwork © John Fell
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Category Story / Animal related (non-anthro)
Species Flamingo
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 11.3 kB
Listed in Folders
Here's the finished first segment of my first ever Choose Your Own Adventure! What does everyone think? I've got a few questions to ask, including:
- What you think of the narrative voice. Do you like the fourth wall breakage or does it take you out of the story?
- What you think of the fact that I called all of the flamingos "it" rather than he or she. Would you prefer that I assign sexes to them?
- Whether you prefer there to just be choices or wheter you prefer the extra involvement of having to roll dice, keep notes of items kept, etc.
- Would you prefer to see this in written form (like it is here) or in video format?
- Are you having any accessibility issues with the format? If so, what?
- How important do you feel imagery is with this? ie., would you prefer more artwork, artwork in a different style, different characters depicted, scenery, etc.?
- Anything else about your impressions for this story or format.
Thanks!
- What you think of the narrative voice. Do you like the fourth wall breakage or does it take you out of the story?
- What you think of the fact that I called all of the flamingos "it" rather than he or she. Would you prefer that I assign sexes to them?
- Whether you prefer there to just be choices or wheter you prefer the extra involvement of having to roll dice, keep notes of items kept, etc.
- Would you prefer to see this in written form (like it is here) or in video format?
- Are you having any accessibility issues with the format? If so, what?
- How important do you feel imagery is with this? ie., would you prefer more artwork, artwork in a different style, different characters depicted, scenery, etc.?
- Anything else about your impressions for this story or format.
Thanks!
I really liked this :>
I love the concept of the Horsemen reincarnating as flamingoes, it's intriguing!
As for comments regarding writing style,The fourth wall breakage makes for a more... Interactive tone? Which I find is good. It makes me want to read more. As for pronouns, considering Death goes by "it", for consistency's sake the rest going by "it" is a good choice.
Choices alone are enough, and I like the format as it is. So far, I don't think lack of imagery is an issue.
I'm not very confident in my critique skills, so I don't have anything of substance constructive critique wise >w<
I love the concept of the Horsemen reincarnating as flamingoes, it's intriguing!
As for comments regarding writing style,The fourth wall breakage makes for a more... Interactive tone? Which I find is good. It makes me want to read more. As for pronouns, considering Death goes by "it", for consistency's sake the rest going by "it" is a good choice.
Choices alone are enough, and I like the format as it is. So far, I don't think lack of imagery is an issue.
I'm not very confident in my critique skills, so I don't have anything of substance constructive critique wise >w<
Ah! I was going to Note you a link but you found it first! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I admit I went for the fourth-wall breaking to give it a comedic tone but you're right, it's also quite interactive in nature. Thank you for your critique, it's very much appreciated! Please can I get a quick confirmation when you've finished playing with it of what you think?
I admit I went for the fourth-wall breaking to give it a comedic tone but you're right, it's also quite interactive in nature. Thank you for your critique, it's very much appreciated! Please can I get a quick confirmation when you've finished playing with it of what you think?
- Narrative comes across as quite conversational, which is pretty nice and gives it a break in the story, yet makes it more interactive too.
- I have to agree that for consistency’s sake, sticking with ‘it’ would be a good idea - that and it allows the reader to paint their own picture of the other characters, imagine their voices and so on, without it being too structured
- Choices alone are enough, it’s what pops into mind first when someone mentions ‘CYOA’ (Slightly relevant - I think there’s a book in Skyrim that’s a CYOA too - again, choice-only)
- That’s all down to personal preference, but for me it’s easier to follow along if it’s written down.
- Thankfully, none. It’s spaced out just right as isn’t it too big blocks of text.
- I think it works the way it is, although I know it can vary between people as well, but I think the sense of imagery comes across - and that in itself would make it more interactive as the reader has to sort of use their imagination and visualization skills a bit.
- I have to agree that for consistency’s sake, sticking with ‘it’ would be a good idea - that and it allows the reader to paint their own picture of the other characters, imagine their voices and so on, without it being too structured
- Choices alone are enough, it’s what pops into mind first when someone mentions ‘CYOA’ (Slightly relevant - I think there’s a book in Skyrim that’s a CYOA too - again, choice-only)
- That’s all down to personal preference, but for me it’s easier to follow along if it’s written down.
- Thankfully, none. It’s spaced out just right as isn’t it too big blocks of text.
- I think it works the way it is, although I know it can vary between people as well, but I think the sense of imagery comes across - and that in itself would make it more interactive as the reader has to sort of use their imagination and visualization skills a bit.
ooh this is a really interesting concept!
personally i like some fourth wall breaking here and there, as it keeps me focused on the rest of the story
as it was already said, i'd say sticking with 'it' is the best
just choices is enough, and i'd prefer it if it's written down as you can read it at your own pace and it's easier to follow
no giant blocks of text that are hard to read, all good here
as for imagery, cyoa don't really need any images so this is totally fine
hope i was able to help!
and keep up the good work ^^
personally i like some fourth wall breaking here and there, as it keeps me focused on the rest of the story
as it was already said, i'd say sticking with 'it' is the best
just choices is enough, and i'd prefer it if it's written down as you can read it at your own pace and it's easier to follow
no giant blocks of text that are hard to read, all good here
as for imagery, cyoa don't really need any images so this is totally fine
hope i was able to help!
and keep up the good work ^^
Thank you very much for this! It certainly is helpful - I'm making notes of what everyone likes and am starting to get a good picture of what people like and dislike about it.
"keep up the good work ^^"
Already have! I've nearly finished working on Pinion's conversation with the crows. Then there's the parakeets, then the storks, and then I'll post those three conversations up.
"keep up the good work ^^"
Already have! I've nearly finished working on Pinion's conversation with the crows. Then there's the parakeets, then the storks, and then I'll post those three conversations up.
I'm mostly going to focus on the first bullet "- What you think of the narrative voice. Do you like the fourth wall breakage or does it take you out of the story?"
Parts of the narrator introduction made it initially seem like it was some sort of comedy along with many of its colorful metaphors of the animals and dialogue before turning into a rather bleak and somewhat disturbing story.
The story itself isn't an issue, but usually when I read stories with a narrator introduction especially where they break the fourth wall, it's usually for a story that's not meant to be taken as seriously in tone.
I don't know, it could be just me.
One alternative to the opening narration would for it to be from the perspective of one of the animals as the way the narrator describes the animals and their specific qualities that are being lost or forgotten makes it seem like it's "inside knowledge" of the animal kingdom.
I think one aspect that comes to mind is passive voice vs. active voice.
To be more specific, the lines that make it seem more comedic or breaks the flow are the following:
"... you know what? I didn't want to get started. Okay. Okay, I'm done with that." That segment sort of breaks it for me because it seems too comedic.
Another line from earlier:
"I'm your narrator and I'm going to tell you the story of one of these animals."
As the reader I can already deduce that it's an opening narration directed toward me the reader and I don't really need to be told who the narrator is. I would just eliminate that line altogether. It seems superfluous and also breaks the flow. Had the narrator popped up again throughout the story I might be willing to overlook it, but again, the narrator interjecting into the story would break the flow for me especially for the tone being read.
One of the things I try to teach my students in their writing is how they begin an essay. Most every one of my students begins with "well, I think that Cardinal Richelieu doubted the strength of the French because of..." I really try to hammer it into them to eliminate the "well, I think that" and just begin with "Cardinal Richelieu doubted..." as it makes their writing so much more interesting to read.
Then again, one example of where an opening narration works for the seriousness of the story, is from the old Twilight Zone episodes. The narrator speaks directly to the viewer in those as well but even there the narrator never explains who he is or tells the viewer that he is the narrator. The viewer already knows this man floating in space is some omniscient narrator detailing the preface of the story or hypothetical.
I'd say keep the opening narration, but some of the 4th wall breaks takes just takes me out of the story and those could be either removed or altered in the very least.
Parts of the narrator introduction made it initially seem like it was some sort of comedy along with many of its colorful metaphors of the animals and dialogue before turning into a rather bleak and somewhat disturbing story.
The story itself isn't an issue, but usually when I read stories with a narrator introduction especially where they break the fourth wall, it's usually for a story that's not meant to be taken as seriously in tone.
I don't know, it could be just me.
One alternative to the opening narration would for it to be from the perspective of one of the animals as the way the narrator describes the animals and their specific qualities that are being lost or forgotten makes it seem like it's "inside knowledge" of the animal kingdom.
I think one aspect that comes to mind is passive voice vs. active voice.
To be more specific, the lines that make it seem more comedic or breaks the flow are the following:
"... you know what? I didn't want to get started. Okay. Okay, I'm done with that." That segment sort of breaks it for me because it seems too comedic.
Another line from earlier:
"I'm your narrator and I'm going to tell you the story of one of these animals."
As the reader I can already deduce that it's an opening narration directed toward me the reader and I don't really need to be told who the narrator is. I would just eliminate that line altogether. It seems superfluous and also breaks the flow. Had the narrator popped up again throughout the story I might be willing to overlook it, but again, the narrator interjecting into the story would break the flow for me especially for the tone being read.
One of the things I try to teach my students in their writing is how they begin an essay. Most every one of my students begins with "well, I think that Cardinal Richelieu doubted the strength of the French because of..." I really try to hammer it into them to eliminate the "well, I think that" and just begin with "Cardinal Richelieu doubted..." as it makes their writing so much more interesting to read.
Then again, one example of where an opening narration works for the seriousness of the story, is from the old Twilight Zone episodes. The narrator speaks directly to the viewer in those as well but even there the narrator never explains who he is or tells the viewer that he is the narrator. The viewer already knows this man floating in space is some omniscient narrator detailing the preface of the story or hypothetical.
I'd say keep the opening narration, but some of the 4th wall breaks takes just takes me out of the story and those could be either removed or altered in the very least.
Edit: I examined the story more closely and the narrator does indeed pop up again, but it also brings me out of the story, specifically in the opening:
"At first glance, the flamingos were in just the same metaphorical boat as every other creature in the zoo: trapped physically in a large, open-topped enclosure, and mentally by the lack of vision that one would expect of any living thing born in captivity. So, I hear you ask, where's the story?
The story, my friend, is of the hitherto unrealised potential of one particular flamingo, named Pinion.
Oh, by the way. Did you notice that I said the flamingo enclosure was open-topped? Yes, that's relevant to the plot, and we can see why if we zoom in on this story."
***
It confuses me too because after this the narrator doesn't really make an appearance anymore.
I personally would just eliminate the narrator interjection altogether:
At first glance, the flamingos were in just the same metaphorical boat as every other creature in the zoo: trapped physically in a large, open-topped enclosure, and mentally by the lack of vision that one would expect of any living thing born in captivity.
(And then introduce Pinion some other way)
I don't really need to be told by the narrator why the enclosure being open-topped is relevant to the plot so long as the story shows me why later, which the story does.
As they say "show don't tell".
The story literally shows me the reason for the enclosure being open-topped the immediate following paragraph, so it makes the previous dialogue unnecessary.
Anyway, I hope you don't take my criticisms too harshly. I just found the 4th wall breaks unnecessary and more of a diversion to the overall tone of the story.
"At first glance, the flamingos were in just the same metaphorical boat as every other creature in the zoo: trapped physically in a large, open-topped enclosure, and mentally by the lack of vision that one would expect of any living thing born in captivity. So, I hear you ask, where's the story?
The story, my friend, is of the hitherto unrealised potential of one particular flamingo, named Pinion.
Oh, by the way. Did you notice that I said the flamingo enclosure was open-topped? Yes, that's relevant to the plot, and we can see why if we zoom in on this story."
***
It confuses me too because after this the narrator doesn't really make an appearance anymore.
I personally would just eliminate the narrator interjection altogether:
At first glance, the flamingos were in just the same metaphorical boat as every other creature in the zoo: trapped physically in a large, open-topped enclosure, and mentally by the lack of vision that one would expect of any living thing born in captivity.
(And then introduce Pinion some other way)
I don't really need to be told by the narrator why the enclosure being open-topped is relevant to the plot so long as the story shows me why later, which the story does.
As they say "show don't tell".
The story literally shows me the reason for the enclosure being open-topped the immediate following paragraph, so it makes the previous dialogue unnecessary.
Anyway, I hope you don't take my criticisms too harshly. I just found the 4th wall breaks unnecessary and more of a diversion to the overall tone of the story.
Thanks for all of this feedback! I didn't realise you were a writing tutor/coach.
I totally get what you mean about the fourth-wall breakage. I think I'm going to keep it because the sentiment I'm aiming for here is a combination of rationalfic, comedy, and horror. I wonder if there are other ways I can convey that?
The overall story I'm writing here is called The Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse. Now, I recognise that I'm asking for feedback on a furry web site which means that the people who see this story are more likely to take a story about a flamingo seriously, and I also realise in hindsight that the title The Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse isn't as clear as it should be. Indeed, this exact story is called Pinion's Story which doesn't give the same idea of what the overall story's about. I can absolutely find ways to put the overall story title in more places to make sure people can't miss it, but I was hoping that the overall title would make it clear that this story is not to be taken seriously.
Outside of the context of the story, this is meant to be a demonstration of my ability to make CYOAs so as such it's meant to be fun, interesting (because really, how does a quartet of flamingos go about bringing the apocalypse? That's the goal of the longer-term story, I'm just introducing Death in Pinion's Story), and above all, eye-catching.
I sacrificed some of my adherence to show vs. tell purely so that the narrator could be a bit sassy as I wanted to test out whether people enjoyed the sass, so I think I'm going to keep it for that reason.
Overall I'm aware of passive vs. active voice, but I'll review some literature on that to make sure I'm not slipping into old habits.
On a final note, I'm noting down peoples' answers to all of the questions in my comment that you initially responded to under this story. Just for the sake of completion could I get your answers to the rest of them, please? If not, no worries and thank you anyway!
I totally get what you mean about the fourth-wall breakage. I think I'm going to keep it because the sentiment I'm aiming for here is a combination of rationalfic, comedy, and horror. I wonder if there are other ways I can convey that?
The overall story I'm writing here is called The Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse. Now, I recognise that I'm asking for feedback on a furry web site which means that the people who see this story are more likely to take a story about a flamingo seriously, and I also realise in hindsight that the title The Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse isn't as clear as it should be. Indeed, this exact story is called Pinion's Story which doesn't give the same idea of what the overall story's about. I can absolutely find ways to put the overall story title in more places to make sure people can't miss it, but I was hoping that the overall title would make it clear that this story is not to be taken seriously.
Outside of the context of the story, this is meant to be a demonstration of my ability to make CYOAs so as such it's meant to be fun, interesting (because really, how does a quartet of flamingos go about bringing the apocalypse? That's the goal of the longer-term story, I'm just introducing Death in Pinion's Story), and above all, eye-catching.
I sacrificed some of my adherence to show vs. tell purely so that the narrator could be a bit sassy as I wanted to test out whether people enjoyed the sass, so I think I'm going to keep it for that reason.
Overall I'm aware of passive vs. active voice, but I'll review some literature on that to make sure I'm not slipping into old habits.
On a final note, I'm noting down peoples' answers to all of the questions in my comment that you initially responded to under this story. Just for the sake of completion could I get your answers to the rest of them, please? If not, no worries and thank you anyway!
Hey there! I read through what you have and so I'll answer the questions you left here.
-I liked the narrative voice. And I did enjoy the fourth wall breakage, hearing the narrator's opinion about my choices was fun and amusing.
-Hmm well for me it was a little confusing at first, because I think I'm too used to hearing characters referred to as he or she. I think I actually sort of started imagining the genders even without being told, like in my mind Pinion was male, the leader was male, and Web could go either way. It might help if it was explained why they are referred to as "it," like maybe flamingos don't particularly identify with any gender very deeply and that's just how they think of themselves, and that would make a lot of sense as to why they'd be referred to that way.
-I absolutely loved having the choice for myself. Because it makes you think carefully about what you read and use logic to consider which would be best. Though sometimes there are just choices which you -know- won't work, but you can't resist choosing to see what happens. It adds a lot of fun. That's why I loved "choose your own adventure" books so much as a kid. Having to roll a dice and keep track of things adds extra work when I think for me personally I love to just sit down with a book and cruise through the story without having to worry about anything else.
-Nope, it works just fine for me!
-I don't think artwork is super important. If you paint a good enough picture in the reader's mind, you don't really need artwork to go along with it. In fact in some novels I've read where they included artwork, I ended up disappointed because it didn't match up with what I had imagined in my head. So I actually prefer without.
-I think you are doing a great job with this! The format worked well for me. It brought a lot of nostalgia back to the days when I used to read "choose your own adventure" stories as a kid or the old RPG computer games where you had dialog choices that impacted the game. It wasn't draggy, I didn't get bored at any point, keeping things short but interesting kept me hooked and wanting to know what would be next. I'd say you are on the right track!
-I liked the narrative voice. And I did enjoy the fourth wall breakage, hearing the narrator's opinion about my choices was fun and amusing.
-Hmm well for me it was a little confusing at first, because I think I'm too used to hearing characters referred to as he or she. I think I actually sort of started imagining the genders even without being told, like in my mind Pinion was male, the leader was male, and Web could go either way. It might help if it was explained why they are referred to as "it," like maybe flamingos don't particularly identify with any gender very deeply and that's just how they think of themselves, and that would make a lot of sense as to why they'd be referred to that way.
-I absolutely loved having the choice for myself. Because it makes you think carefully about what you read and use logic to consider which would be best. Though sometimes there are just choices which you -know- won't work, but you can't resist choosing to see what happens. It adds a lot of fun. That's why I loved "choose your own adventure" books so much as a kid. Having to roll a dice and keep track of things adds extra work when I think for me personally I love to just sit down with a book and cruise through the story without having to worry about anything else.
-Nope, it works just fine for me!
-I don't think artwork is super important. If you paint a good enough picture in the reader's mind, you don't really need artwork to go along with it. In fact in some novels I've read where they included artwork, I ended up disappointed because it didn't match up with what I had imagined in my head. So I actually prefer without.
-I think you are doing a great job with this! The format worked well for me. It brought a lot of nostalgia back to the days when I used to read "choose your own adventure" stories as a kid or the old RPG computer games where you had dialog choices that impacted the game. It wasn't draggy, I didn't get bored at any point, keeping things short but interesting kept me hooked and wanting to know what would be next. I'd say you are on the right track!
Oops I forgot to answer your question about the video format!
I went and listened through some of your video. So my thoughts on that are that I think it's really good to have both writing and video if possible. This is just personal preference for me but I do prefer writing because I like having more of that book experience where I can sit down and read it. But I also really appreciated that you had a video made of it because my husband is dyslexic and has a hard time reading things, so I know something like this would be great for others like him who have an easier time with audiobooks. And also I'd like to say that you did a great job narrating the story! Your voice was pleasant to listen to and told the story in a way that just felt really comfortable and easy to listen to.
I went and listened through some of your video. So my thoughts on that are that I think it's really good to have both writing and video if possible. This is just personal preference for me but I do prefer writing because I like having more of that book experience where I can sit down and read it. But I also really appreciated that you had a video made of it because my husband is dyslexic and has a hard time reading things, so I know something like this would be great for others like him who have an easier time with audiobooks. And also I'd like to say that you did a great job narrating the story! Your voice was pleasant to listen to and told the story in a way that just felt really comfortable and easy to listen to.
This is awesome - thank you!
That's an interesting point about artwork in story books. I used to get that same feeling of disappointment sometimes, so I think I'll bear that in mind for if and when I get art of this story.
And thanks for listening to the video version too. I've stopped doing the videos just for now due to time restrictions but would like to pick it up again whenever I can. On that note, I have a Patreon tier dedicated to Flamingos - it's the Behind the Scenes tier for $10. Do you feel like supporting that? If so, it would definitely help!
That's an interesting point about artwork in story books. I used to get that same feeling of disappointment sometimes, so I think I'll bear that in mind for if and when I get art of this story.
And thanks for listening to the video version too. I've stopped doing the videos just for now due to time restrictions but would like to pick it up again whenever I can. On that note, I have a Patreon tier dedicated to Flamingos - it's the Behind the Scenes tier for $10. Do you feel like supporting that? If so, it would definitely help!
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