very nicely written huns! =P your detail in the story has increased quiet a bit. your characters have more peronsality and you get to know them as the story progresses. this is deffinetly a step up from your previous writings.

some things that might help your writing is when your going to start dailouge have it start on its own line. this helps break speaking up and become more fluid. anouther idea for next time is add in scenery descriptions.

keep writing hun! you did very well! =P ide like to read more from you.

A little creepy but cool. Have to agree with Tempest on the need to space. The start was also a little bit of a run on. Might be good to have someone proofread it before hand to help(believe me, I have to do the same, or it comes out confusing)

Very nice tf. The description was well thought out, and made sense!

Yah, did this one on google docs since word busted and couldnt get it to double space X-X , and yah i suck with grammer, glad you liked despite it

Yea, its a good story. On the grammer, nothing a little peer review can't fix in the end.