Hm. It could use a few touch-ups. Overall, the setting is nice. I can see everything as it occurs. But it also seems *too* detailed. I spend more time trying to put together the scene, and getting distracted by...Not pretentious, necessarily, but unnecessary wording. You know how Eragon, the whole book seemed like it was written with a thesaurus open? That's sort of how this feels. Also, when you punch too much of your vocabulary in one place ("He spotted an elongated shed standing in the far corner, door slightly ajar as if beckoning him. He instantly obliged and dashed across the still-rain-slick grass and nearly lost traction in the mud as he slipped through the doorway, turned, and slammed the wooden door to.") you lose those words later, and your story becomes convoluted. Sometimes, more basic words allow a scene to fit more fluidly into the mind.

"In an instant his shin struck a low object like a table and he stumbled, hands out in front ready for the crash." This line, again, tries too hard to describe the scene. I actually assumed table, before the 'like a table' simile was used.

Aside from these two inter-linked points, I have to say well-done. Even the two points I made are infinitesimal, really, fading into the background as you read on. I double checked, and re-read the first paragraph after finishing, just to make sure. It's mostly just pickiness that pointed it out.

All in all, I give it an 91%