I have an unusual relationship with money to say the least, and due to how I see and interact with money at times is to my detriment; though considering how other people have handled their own personal finances probably much more to my benefit. I don't really like money, and I suspect it stems from an incident that happened in my childhood where I saved up to buy a video game bundle (back in the cartridge days) I had played one before and I wanted to get one for myself. Unfortunately it was a scam and well all that time and effort I had spent trying to get it was wasted. My parents couldn't do anything about it, nor could the police; it was something that was just gone. Was a pretty big disincentivizing moment for me in a few ways: That wanting something ends up being a direct path to disappointment, and money is inherently worthless. Granted there's other moments in my life in where trying to save up and buy something has ended up in disappointment, or how the things you own can be taken from you one way or another; it's never been one thing, but it piles up. It's left me with a non-materialistic approach to life.

When I buy things it's usually due when what I have breaks down and falls apart completely, as such I own very few things that can be considered new. My clothes are years old, some decades; my shoes approaching two decades. My tablet which I use to draw with is 8 years old, my computer I have no clue; some parts are newer than my tablet, a bunch older. On top of this I don't own things that other people tend to, simply because I don't have much use for them; the big one being a smartphone, I just don't have much use for one. I also don't own a car for a similar reason, I don't travel much and when I did had to do a daily commute I took public transit.

Perhaps my lack of drive to own things is part of the reason why I've never really went patreon or crowdfunding, even though it really is against better judgement; I really should be trying to earn as much as I could to try and improve my life and those around me. I still live with my parents, and that's mostly out of convenience. Pretty much all the money I make from doing art goes into the household, and I'm okay with that. I probably could make it on my own, but either way at the end of the day I wouldn't have that much money for myself. Most money I save up ends up going towards the occasional financial emergency anyways.

I've never put too much thought into the question of "What if I had money." A lot of the big purchase in life, like a car or house, seemed like too much hassle than it was worth. All the tertiary costs and maintenance involved for things I personally don't use or need. Thing is it might be something I do need in the future, and I suppose I really should try building towards something like that. I've spent most of my life anchored to the past or living in the now, the traumas from growing up never really let me to look that far into the future past simply dreading what tomorrow would bring. When the present is filled with unhappiness, it's pretty hard to plan for a future that's happy.

For me it still feels weird to actually open an avenue for people to just throw money at me if they feel like it. I don't feel like I deserve it. Heck, I still feel apprehensive taking money for commissions; but I do need money to eat, and I suppose I'm trying to build myself up to the point where I have a bigger monetary buffer in case of emergencies and to help out my parents a bit more. At some point I outta build a life for myself as well.

In the end I appreciate the support people have given me over the years I've been on FA, makes life a lot easier to get through; I just fear that I'm unable to express that appreciation in any adequate or meaningful enough of a way. I guess all I can hope for is that at the end of the day I was able leave a positive impression on others.