Two weeks ago I posted on my facebook I wanted to commission something to the style younger me/older me based on Rama El Ligre’s idea and he took this idea really well even if he was not going to be the artist to give life to my idea. kopaloboso did an amazing art piece and he added every detail I had in mind and this was something by far that I wanted to let out even if no one happens to read this long bible of me, this is exactly what I’d have told myself when I went through those two stages of my life that turned out to be really hard in my teenage days when things wouldn’t go my way.

Back to when I was a kid I used to be somehow quiet, timid and thanks to this I’d have to endure bullying which slowly made me a much more closed minded kid when it came to meeting people or making friends. This would happen for many things but one of that many was the fact that I was very clumsy when it came to sports, I was the last one to be picked for a team and if it was possible at some point they would rather keep me out as a benchwarmer. I learned to deal with it and at some point I used to be happy with me being a total nerd because to me there was nothing better than learning new stuff all days and sports were never of my interest at all.
Then there was this chance I got to try another sport which turned out to be street hockey and woah, I never saw a sport that was that fun, aggressive and fast paced. I began to enjoy this sport a lot and started to like it a lot, sadly forgetting one important detail which was, my clumsiness for any sport. Anyways I kept on playing even if I knew I’d never be a top player and I enjoyed the game and trainings until we had any important match or tournament, I knew that at those I’d never get to play all or I’d just play if they knew it was safe for me to mess up. Even with that I had fun, I enjoyed many of my trips to the most important tournaments in the country, I enjoyed knowing other places and get to hang out with some people that I used to think they were cool, but I was never able to fit in because I’d be treated like the kid that loves to play but he only comes to interfere in their great game.
Until there was a day, with tears rolling down my eyes I asked my father to allow me to stop playing hockey, it was not fun anymore it was just sad, it was regrettable how I’d let others step on me and I had no reason to let that happen. My father as usual without understanding why I’d feel like that he just let me go with my decision and let me abandon something that for so long I used to feel passionate about. Later, I understood that I took the right decision not because it was good for me to leave behind something I loved so much, but because it was destroying my self esteem and my will to triumph in other things.
This drawing also represents another important stage in my life which is when I began to fail at school, I was no longer the kid that would get high grades all the time and that his parents would be so proud of. I was now just a sad version of myself which would fail every class as if it was a contest of failure.
I was falling deep in depression and I had so many issues in my long way to self-discovery after dealing with a hurtful break up that I’m so happy it happened, not because it was a bad relationship but because it taught me a lot. My father the last time we saw each other to discuss my failures he just told me he was disappointed of me for falling so low, for being the second kid that failed at school when in the other hand he never asked me why I was going through this and why I was not ok. There was no bigger pain than feeling my dad’s disapproval and disappointment because I’d always look up to him, admire him and all of that coming from such figure it was discouraging.
In the end, nowadays I just realize that this stuff that worried me a lot a long time ago made me stronger, allowed me to know who I am and understand that my limitations compared to the others are only stuff that will differentiate me from others and it didn’t mean it was a bad thing. I just had to learn about myself and that there was no need to fit in with nobody, it was just important to love, respect, take care and accept myself.

If you made it through the whole thing, thanks. I wrote this as a personal vent, not because I want others to know how broken I am, was or all the traumas I went through because this is not what all this is about. I wrote this because sometimes we close our minds and stick to the idea that everything is wrong, there’s no escape, nothing to do, but there’s always a way around it and falling down is just part of learning.