skdaffle helped me with my last Patreon reward from them to be a memorial image with my cat who sadly had to be euthanised due to an aggressive cancer 2 weeks ago today. I’ve been deeply affected by this and it’s my second loss of a very close family member in 3 months. I had to hold him in my arms when the vet applied the injection because he was so scared and I am sorry for that. I wish things had gone differently or another way, like passing in old age.

People ask me if I have any children but I say no, though really my cat was 16 years old and he was my baby and my son in a way. We did so many things together because when we found him, lost and unwanted, he bonded with me and I with him and he was a clever cat. He learned many curious quirks for how smart we take cats to be and it was all the worse to see him suffer towards the end for it.
Things like wanting to eat my food with me and share any milky drinks like tea. I never let him have too much of any human food that would be bad for him but he always loved my spaghetti which is the only food I know I can cook that I myself actually enjoy. I always left some of the sauce and the meat for him because he’d sit on my table and try to put a paw in the bowl so he could lick the sauce or tell me to put the bowl down because he was hungry now too.

I had a dream he came to see me a few nights ago and he was whole, not ash which I’ll be collecting this week. I’m not religious but everyone who I’ve told who is, says it was him telling me he made it to the other side and misses us all too but is waiting.

I don’t think I could get another cat again, or another pet. I don’t want to go through the grief any more despite the happy face I’m used to putting on. The house just feels empty now and though I know he’s gone I’m still trying not to put causes of noise and rattling in the house down to him like I used to. It’s hard not to look around and say his name in a playful telling off.

I got a private cremation for him because I didn’t want the ashes of other people’s pets, I didn’t want to share their grief. He will come home in a special casket this week. Maybe one day when I’m ready I will spread his ashes. I don’t know when though, we did everything together and he always wanted to be with me wherever we went.

So, rest now, Max. We will miss you on every day we spend without you. The light has gone out of my life.