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Welcome to Sumor Woods is a collection of night vale-inspired podcast transcripts that follows inhuman failed experiment Kurak, a radio host for the Sumor Woods Community Radio as he discusses the abnormalities of his home town.
In this episode buildings are spontaneously catching afire. A women who shapeshifted into a beast is believed to be the Devil. An interesting group of FBI Agents arrive.
--'
A small friendly little town,
That is bathed in Mountainous Trees,
And Unimaginable Horrors no one can explain, nor do they want to,
Welcome to Sumor Woods.
We are proud that this small hick town finally got its own community radio. The Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, were over enthusiastic for the construction of our dear little radio station. As you know, it was built from the ruined remains of an Applebees that burned down a year ago. The fire’s exact cause is unexplained. Most don’t even remember there being a fire, or the smell of smoke, but the Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, assures us it was all a fire and not an underground-dwelling, nightmarish creature. They also want me to let you know that your life is an accident if you don’t attend their ritual sacrifices weekly.
The last person to not attend got stripped of all their skin and thrown into the hungry abyss behind Marty’s garage. No one knows which is worse. The beast at the bottom, or Marty’s sewage line pouring into it.
Speaking of unsolved arson cases, many buildings in town has been self-combusting. The firefighters saved all buildings but one, and that was the Sumor Woods Elementary School. The fire department does not know the cause of these fires, but they assure you that they are not from arsonists and are spontaneous. They say it seems to happen more often to suspicious people in town. So, if you know something, jump into the hungry abyss behind Marty’s garage; as whatever fate you’ll meet down there will be much more honorable than whatever the Devil Worshippers, you know, the ones that own the town, have in store for you.
The police told me to issue this Missing Person report. This is the third we’ve got this week. It says here that a 17 year old named Michel Hyland disappeared last night. His neighbors claims they heard a bloodcurdling scream coming from his room last night and some hideous creature smashed through his bedroom window. We got a chance to speak with his girlfriend Mia Grateful, but all she said was, “Mike, mike.... I know Mike... I see Mike... I Watch Mike... I eeeeat Mike,” I did notice that her eyes changed to a glowing gold when she said that, but you know, who’s doesn’t? Her dirty blond hair was a wild mess. The Devil worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, are convinced that she is the devil himself, so are currently bowing in front of her house. She already turned into a terrifying beast and killed one of them, but I wouldn't worry listeners. Even the most feral of beasts can be tamed. At least that’s what the The Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, say, and I agree...
A new update on the spontaneous fires: the update is that the Applebees that was burned down where our radio station is now never really existed. The Devil Worshippers, you now, the ones that own the town, have also said there were no casualties at the school, because everyone over the age of ten got out. Anyone under the age of ten are counted as non-human, and so can be sacrificed to Pagan gods. The police have stopped their investigation into finding any possible suspects, because they say, “it’d be unfair to execute a man who hunts non-humans and not one those hunts normal animals.” However, they do still say that it is against the law to kill wolves, foxes, coyotes, bobcats, dragons, and any of the things in The Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors; because it might upset our carnivorous gods...
Some residents are protesting against this, saying that “children are important too,” however, half of these have already disappeared due to being kidnapped by the Clan of Horak. They specifically worship the Wolf god Horak, who will rain hell upon us if we don’t sacrifice an adult human for him every month.
A few new strangers just arrived in town. One is tall with long brown hair, while the other is short with short brown hair. The short guy is a lady killer, metaphorically, of course. Another man was with them. He wore a trench coat and had a smooth voice. I felt a spark in the endless void of my heart. They said they were FBI agents and were here over the disappearance of Michel Hyland. I don’t now, listeners... they seem very suspicious. Don’t be surprised if they find their way into the hungry abyss like the last ones...
New message from the Devil Worshippers, you know, the ones that own the town. They say if you play, speak, or think about the video game, Fortnite, you will be ceremoniously disembowled and dumped in the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors. So, if you play fortnite, keep it a secret. They also told me to tell you that if you Fortnite dance in public they will do it to one of your closest relatives first, so you can watch...
At noon time tomorrow we will all forget about the existence of High School English Teacher, Mr. Dunwick. He disappeared earlier today after making a comment about our public school system. Many reported him saying it was flawed and that the city founder was so stupid they didn’t know how to spell, “Summer” when naming the town. Can you believe this idiot. I’m glad to be forgetting about him, and so should you. However, he’s no where near as bad as Steve. He helped an old women across the street today. Can you believe him? What a butthole...
The Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, said that they were going to build a 10,000 watt electrical fence around the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors. This is because of the increase in people falling prey to an otherworldly voice from the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors. The only survivor says that the voice told him to step into the woods and “open the box” when asked what kind of box, the survivor’s eyes rolled up into his head, and he started chanting backwards.
The Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, have told me to relay to you that in no way are you to enter the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors, unless you wish to turn yourself in for playing Fortnite. They said no matter what shapes you see, sounds you hear, or scents you smell, you are not allowed to enter the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors. If you do enter, the police have sent word, they will not go searching for you in there. The Dark Forest of Terrible, Unimaginable Horrors will not harm you.
More on those suspicious FBI agents and that smooth talking, trench coat wearing dream. I decided to have an interview with them. Most of the time I just got strange shocked looks. The dream boat even asked how I could speak. I am shocked. How inconsiderate, but I must say, his sooth voice and brilliant black hair is more than enough for my forgiveness. The short FBI agent just gave me this wide eyed look before shaking his head and taking a bite out of a burger. It was a Burger from Big Martha's Burger Joint. No one knows how to cook a slab of tender meat like Big Martha... no one...
The tall one just seemed to ignore me and kept searching for evidence. Now the perfect one, he seemed to take an interest in me. Mostly asking me what I was. To be honest, I'm not sure how to respond to that. What I'm I? I don't know. I, just like everyone else, was just a failed experiment at the nearby research facility in North Woods.
North Woods... Gawd, how I hate them. Did you know that they actually teach the kids in their history classes about history. If you ask me, time travelling to post apocalyptic futures are much better.
I asked the trench coated miracle if he was up to a small date once they finished their investigation. He shook his head and said he already had plans and looked at the short agent with short hair. I can't believe it. He'd rather spend time with a cheeseburger-eating lowlife and watch a marathon about a talking dog, than with an intricate being such as myself. What an insult!
Guess I have someone else to put on my list to shove into duffel bags and dump into the hungry abyss out back of Marty's garage. More on this story of hate and pure jelousy as it unfolds...
And now,
The weather...
(Random song plays)
Welcome back listeners, the Devil Worshipers have just sent word that there are not, and I repleat, there are not any buildings spontaneously catching on fire. Any building that has burned down today no longer exists, neither have they ever existed and we will all forget about them by noon tomarrow.
And now, a word from our sponsors....
Are you sick of life? Is everything going bad for you? Do you just need a way out? Do you have a annoying spouse? Do you have an annoying sister who's trying to control your life? Is the Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, trying to own you? Well, come out by the tree on the edge of Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors and wait with us. Why? well, do we need to answer?
We paid for this air time because we want you to know that we care. Come out to the tree on the edge of the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors and wait with us. What are we waiting for? Well, we are waiting for you of course. Come out to the tree on the edge of the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors and wait with us for a low, low price. Come today, tomarrow, or the day after, whenever.... we are always waiting, and will always be waiting. Come. Wait. With. Us.
Welcome back listeners. One of our interns was one of those whose house supposedly burned in the non-existent, spontaneous fires. Not long after that broadcast a black windowless van sped up into the driveway of our radio station and abducted him and drove away. To the family of Darren Misch, we regret to inform you Darren has been abducted for this weekly ritual sacrifice and you will be next if you don't arrive when the devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, carve out his entrails and feed them to Mia Grateful, since she is the devil. At least, that's what they think.
The FBI agents from earlier dropped by the station. They told me they were going to stay at the Kembal B&B in town. The trench coat one was still as perfect as always. I am glad of him to be staying. As that short one, he should go stay in North Woods, where he belongs. Gawd, what an asshole...
I see the sun setting on the other side of this window. I can see the stars hanging in the sky. It looks like it maybe another beautiful night here in Sumor Woods. Be cafeful, it is about this time that the Experimental failures, like myself, come out. Unlike me, most are hostile and will kill on sight, so if you see purple eyes glowing in the distance, step into the nearest building for protection. The North Wood Research Facility is still looking for a way to reverse the effects of incorpating animals with the DNA of so many others, including humans. But until then.... goodnight, Sumor Woods, Sleep Tight, don't let the Terrible, Unimaginable Horrors bite...
In this episode buildings are spontaneously catching afire. A women who shapeshifted into a beast is believed to be the Devil. An interesting group of FBI Agents arrive.
--'
A small friendly little town,
That is bathed in Mountainous Trees,
And Unimaginable Horrors no one can explain, nor do they want to,
Welcome to Sumor Woods.
We are proud that this small hick town finally got its own community radio. The Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, were over enthusiastic for the construction of our dear little radio station. As you know, it was built from the ruined remains of an Applebees that burned down a year ago. The fire’s exact cause is unexplained. Most don’t even remember there being a fire, or the smell of smoke, but the Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, assures us it was all a fire and not an underground-dwelling, nightmarish creature. They also want me to let you know that your life is an accident if you don’t attend their ritual sacrifices weekly.
The last person to not attend got stripped of all their skin and thrown into the hungry abyss behind Marty’s garage. No one knows which is worse. The beast at the bottom, or Marty’s sewage line pouring into it.
Speaking of unsolved arson cases, many buildings in town has been self-combusting. The firefighters saved all buildings but one, and that was the Sumor Woods Elementary School. The fire department does not know the cause of these fires, but they assure you that they are not from arsonists and are spontaneous. They say it seems to happen more often to suspicious people in town. So, if you know something, jump into the hungry abyss behind Marty’s garage; as whatever fate you’ll meet down there will be much more honorable than whatever the Devil Worshippers, you know, the ones that own the town, have in store for you.
The police told me to issue this Missing Person report. This is the third we’ve got this week. It says here that a 17 year old named Michel Hyland disappeared last night. His neighbors claims they heard a bloodcurdling scream coming from his room last night and some hideous creature smashed through his bedroom window. We got a chance to speak with his girlfriend Mia Grateful, but all she said was, “Mike, mike.... I know Mike... I see Mike... I Watch Mike... I eeeeat Mike,” I did notice that her eyes changed to a glowing gold when she said that, but you know, who’s doesn’t? Her dirty blond hair was a wild mess. The Devil worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, are convinced that she is the devil himself, so are currently bowing in front of her house. She already turned into a terrifying beast and killed one of them, but I wouldn't worry listeners. Even the most feral of beasts can be tamed. At least that’s what the The Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, say, and I agree...
A new update on the spontaneous fires: the update is that the Applebees that was burned down where our radio station is now never really existed. The Devil Worshippers, you now, the ones that own the town, have also said there were no casualties at the school, because everyone over the age of ten got out. Anyone under the age of ten are counted as non-human, and so can be sacrificed to Pagan gods. The police have stopped their investigation into finding any possible suspects, because they say, “it’d be unfair to execute a man who hunts non-humans and not one those hunts normal animals.” However, they do still say that it is against the law to kill wolves, foxes, coyotes, bobcats, dragons, and any of the things in The Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors; because it might upset our carnivorous gods...
Some residents are protesting against this, saying that “children are important too,” however, half of these have already disappeared due to being kidnapped by the Clan of Horak. They specifically worship the Wolf god Horak, who will rain hell upon us if we don’t sacrifice an adult human for him every month.
A few new strangers just arrived in town. One is tall with long brown hair, while the other is short with short brown hair. The short guy is a lady killer, metaphorically, of course. Another man was with them. He wore a trench coat and had a smooth voice. I felt a spark in the endless void of my heart. They said they were FBI agents and were here over the disappearance of Michel Hyland. I don’t now, listeners... they seem very suspicious. Don’t be surprised if they find their way into the hungry abyss like the last ones...
New message from the Devil Worshippers, you know, the ones that own the town. They say if you play, speak, or think about the video game, Fortnite, you will be ceremoniously disembowled and dumped in the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors. So, if you play fortnite, keep it a secret. They also told me to tell you that if you Fortnite dance in public they will do it to one of your closest relatives first, so you can watch...
At noon time tomorrow we will all forget about the existence of High School English Teacher, Mr. Dunwick. He disappeared earlier today after making a comment about our public school system. Many reported him saying it was flawed and that the city founder was so stupid they didn’t know how to spell, “Summer” when naming the town. Can you believe this idiot. I’m glad to be forgetting about him, and so should you. However, he’s no where near as bad as Steve. He helped an old women across the street today. Can you believe him? What a butthole...
The Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, said that they were going to build a 10,000 watt electrical fence around the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors. This is because of the increase in people falling prey to an otherworldly voice from the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors. The only survivor says that the voice told him to step into the woods and “open the box” when asked what kind of box, the survivor’s eyes rolled up into his head, and he started chanting backwards.
The Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, have told me to relay to you that in no way are you to enter the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors, unless you wish to turn yourself in for playing Fortnite. They said no matter what shapes you see, sounds you hear, or scents you smell, you are not allowed to enter the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors. If you do enter, the police have sent word, they will not go searching for you in there. The Dark Forest of Terrible, Unimaginable Horrors will not harm you.
More on those suspicious FBI agents and that smooth talking, trench coat wearing dream. I decided to have an interview with them. Most of the time I just got strange shocked looks. The dream boat even asked how I could speak. I am shocked. How inconsiderate, but I must say, his sooth voice and brilliant black hair is more than enough for my forgiveness. The short FBI agent just gave me this wide eyed look before shaking his head and taking a bite out of a burger. It was a Burger from Big Martha's Burger Joint. No one knows how to cook a slab of tender meat like Big Martha... no one...
The tall one just seemed to ignore me and kept searching for evidence. Now the perfect one, he seemed to take an interest in me. Mostly asking me what I was. To be honest, I'm not sure how to respond to that. What I'm I? I don't know. I, just like everyone else, was just a failed experiment at the nearby research facility in North Woods.
North Woods... Gawd, how I hate them. Did you know that they actually teach the kids in their history classes about history. If you ask me, time travelling to post apocalyptic futures are much better.
I asked the trench coated miracle if he was up to a small date once they finished their investigation. He shook his head and said he already had plans and looked at the short agent with short hair. I can't believe it. He'd rather spend time with a cheeseburger-eating lowlife and watch a marathon about a talking dog, than with an intricate being such as myself. What an insult!
Guess I have someone else to put on my list to shove into duffel bags and dump into the hungry abyss out back of Marty's garage. More on this story of hate and pure jelousy as it unfolds...
And now,
The weather...
(Random song plays)
Welcome back listeners, the Devil Worshipers have just sent word that there are not, and I repleat, there are not any buildings spontaneously catching on fire. Any building that has burned down today no longer exists, neither have they ever existed and we will all forget about them by noon tomarrow.
And now, a word from our sponsors....
Are you sick of life? Is everything going bad for you? Do you just need a way out? Do you have a annoying spouse? Do you have an annoying sister who's trying to control your life? Is the Devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, trying to own you? Well, come out by the tree on the edge of Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors and wait with us. Why? well, do we need to answer?
We paid for this air time because we want you to know that we care. Come out to the tree on the edge of the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors and wait with us. What are we waiting for? Well, we are waiting for you of course. Come out to the tree on the edge of the Dark Forest of Terrifying, Unimaginable Horrors and wait with us for a low, low price. Come today, tomarrow, or the day after, whenever.... we are always waiting, and will always be waiting. Come. Wait. With. Us.
Welcome back listeners. One of our interns was one of those whose house supposedly burned in the non-existent, spontaneous fires. Not long after that broadcast a black windowless van sped up into the driveway of our radio station and abducted him and drove away. To the family of Darren Misch, we regret to inform you Darren has been abducted for this weekly ritual sacrifice and you will be next if you don't arrive when the devil Worshipers, you know, the ones that own the town, carve out his entrails and feed them to Mia Grateful, since she is the devil. At least, that's what they think.
The FBI agents from earlier dropped by the station. They told me they were going to stay at the Kembal B&B in town. The trench coat one was still as perfect as always. I am glad of him to be staying. As that short one, he should go stay in North Woods, where he belongs. Gawd, what an asshole...
I see the sun setting on the other side of this window. I can see the stars hanging in the sky. It looks like it maybe another beautiful night here in Sumor Woods. Be cafeful, it is about this time that the Experimental failures, like myself, come out. Unlike me, most are hostile and will kill on sight, so if you see purple eyes glowing in the distance, step into the nearest building for protection. The North Wood Research Facility is still looking for a way to reverse the effects of incorpating animals with the DNA of so many others, including humans. But until then.... goodnight, Sumor Woods, Sleep Tight, don't let the Terrible, Unimaginable Horrors bite...
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Exotic (Other)
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 294.5 kB
Comments