(Thanks to my madly art-skilled friend  thetundraghost for inspiring me to try the symmetry tool on Photoshop!)

Two years ago, I adopted 2 sphynx cats believing my cat allergy could handle it, because it didn't get triggered during my 2-3 hours visit at the shelter. Usually my allergy reacts within 10 minutes. I had the cats for about a week when I suddenly couldn't breathe anymore, and had to return them. It was one of the most painful days in my life.

The cats were sister and brother, Pinky and Browny by their original names. Except I decided to name them Roxanne and Lothar because I hate cheap names. You don't look at your newly born human babies and decide to name them "Slimy", "Roundy", "Screamy" or "Shitstheirpantsy".

The cats were first brought to the shelter for having been awfully neglected and abused by their previous owners, to the point that the rescuers had to do emergency surgery, especially on their heads to keep them from rotting away completely. Lothar had only few teeth left, Roxanne lost all of her teeth and became half-blind too. She would have become fully blind without the surgery. But she needed eye drops to keep her eyes from drying out from then on. I hear that giving your cats bad food can make them blind, so maybe this was the reason for the blindness. Lothar had gross eyes before the surgery too, but they were able to save his sight. However, both cats wouldn't be able to open their eyes to their full round shape anymore, just kinda half-ish, three-quarter-ish. Too much damage was done to heal back to normal.

Even though physically and mentally abused, Roxanne and Lothar quickly became the closest thing to a family which made me feel safe at home. For the first time in my life I had someone at home to look forward to. We were a group of damaged creatures, trying to teach each other to trust again. Sphynx cats love cuddling as it's a common trait of their breed, and my cats would always show this affection towards each other, but they were scared of getting touched by human hands. Roxanne wouldn't be scared to jump on my lap and watch whatever I was doing on my desk, but she would flee as soon as my hand moved towards her. Lothar enjoyed playing with me when I used toys on him (feathers and tiny bells on a string), but also fled whenever I tried to pet him. So I tried doing trust therapy to help them deal with their trauma. I somehow managed to pick them up (one at a time), hold them so they wouldn't wriggle their way out, and calmly told them I would let them go as soon as they relaxed. Of course I also would have let them go if they were legit terrified, but they didn't use their claws nor voice for self-defense. They were merely uncomfortable with human cuddling at all, trying to push me away with their front paws. I started with Roxanne. While holding her, I gently pet her and told her positive words and tried my best to calm her, to make her realize that human hands can be friendly and caring, not only used for punishment. Eventually, Roxanne did get calmer. So I let her go. She went back to her bed and started purring. It was the first time I heard her purr. Then I tried to do the same on Lothar, but he was a Wiggle Master 9000 and I couldn't hold him for long. He escaped through my arms like a slippery fish.

Roxanne had always been the dominant sibling. Your stereotype female cat. Proud and strict and bossy towards her brother. Lothar was shy and introverted. When the cats first arrived in my home, Roxanne happily went to explore each and every room, even hopped on my lap to look at the desk. Lothar, however, quickly ran under the couch and remained hidden at that corner for few hours. This worried me much, but he eventually got used to his new home and moved around normally.

And then the night happened where I could barely breathe anymore, even through my own mouth. My throat made a rasping sound breathing in and out, and felt swollen. I cried, so fucking much, knowing what I had to do. I had been ignoring the little allergy hints for the past few days because of pure optimism for the future now that I finally had a family-feeling at home. But serious breathing problems I could not ignore. I called the shelter on the phone and explained the situation, while continuing to cry like a bitch. Lothar saw me cry from the living room, came to me while I was still on the phone, and cuddled with my hand. I cried even more because he'd never done that before, and also because it made my allergy much worse instead of able to embrace this first willing gesture of affection. I gently pushed Lothar away and he went back to the living room, visibly confused. So much fucking pain, it's hard for me to even write this memory out. The lady from the shelter arrived an hour later by car to pick the cats up. The cats didn't want to leave. They struggled being put back into that transport box. Lothar fled to his bed, and pulled his legs in tightly, face down to the ground, to make it extra hard to pick him up. He transformed into a little rock of sadness and fear. Finally, both cats were put in that transport box, loudly meowing, looking at me through the bars with open eyes. I hadn't stopped crying. They left, I went to bed crying, I fell asleep, I woke up, and started crying again.

Few days ago, I finally found the courage to call that lady from the shelter to ask how my cats are. Courage because I knew I had left the worst impression for a cat owner. Adopt cats and give them away after a week, I fucking hated myself so much for this. The lady informed me that my cats had been adopted by someone in the meantime, someone who also owns an other sphynx cat. And also, that Roxanne had died. "She was just lying dead in the room one morning." Maybe Roxanne decided it's a good timing to die now that her brother has another cat friend nearby. I wasn't allowed to get the contact address of the new owner, but I asked if I could be informed if Lothar ever needed to be put to sleep or similar (because I want to be there). The lady said yes but I'm not sure if she meant it. I can't do much from my side, as fucking always.

It's just so cold when the last time you've seen your beloved pets is actually the last time in your and their life. Suddenly dead and you're not allowed to reach the living one.

Rest in peace my beautiful and brutal-looking queen. Years of abuse have made your life cruel and short, but couldn't break your spirit into depression. I can only hope to be this strong someday.

https://sta.sh/08nbdzd6zao

Also, I've made the mistake of telling my father about Roxanne's death when he asked me about my day. The news left him unimpressed and he just said "She looked so ugly, she shouldn't have lived in the first place." Thanks, dad. Funeral speech 100.

Right now I can't financially afford any kinds of pets anymore. I've lost my home too, back to parents. My life decided the rollercoaster doesn't deserve any ups yet. Since, I don't know, around 5 years now maybe. I'm so deep under, I'm starting to see the planet's core. I had this one week of feeling truly safe and happy, and I immediately got punished as this wasn't meant to be. Other countless attempts to change my life for the better got punished too. Then there was a phase where I did nothing and waited for things to come to me instead, which also changed nothing. Now I'm just looking for ways to crack this loop of neverending bullshit without any light at the end of the tunnel (except that light of the shining planet core maybe). I need to figure out what I keep missing. I try focusing my energy on optimism and yes-attitude, try talking to people, friends and strangers, try medicine, try working on myself, try new things to change my life as far as I am able to (a financial crisis doesn't give you many opportunities). I don't know what more I can do. And I clearly feel my batteries going out. I cannot charge them with no access to charging any-fucking-where.

Oh boy, look at this rant. :I

To end this comment, I want to clear a common misunderstanding up: Sphynx cats do not freeze just because they got no fur. They got a thicker skin than normal cats and are perfectly fine on normal room temperature. There are plently of less healthy cat breeds, actually. Abyssinian cats can experience vision, hearing, and dental problems. Bengal cats commonly have heart conditions, eye diseases, and joint problems. But oh dear, cats without cuddly fur that got a thick skin instead, animal abuse. The only special thing sphynx cats require for care is a quick but thorough bath once a week or every 2 weeks. They do lick and clean themselves, but their skin can still get "moldy". Especially the inside of their ears need cleaning as there are most bacteria. Sphynx actually don't mind bathing as long as you introduce it to them early and properly. They will appreciate a cool bath during summer too.

And for everyone wondering what it feels like to touch a sphynx cat; their skin feels similar and is as flexible as the bottom side skin on your wrist. And it's always warm. Also, Sphynx aren't actually completely hairless. They lack the main coat, but they still have downy fluff. It's barely visible, but feelable.

I just love those cats, my cats, and will never be unable to undo those feelings even with my shit memories. ;-;

Thanks for reading all of this, if you've made it all the way down here. You have an excellent shovel and strong arms.