Every one has ups and downs, some more intensely than others. It's just these parts legends prefer to forget, to leave untold. chapter 20

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When Nimera approached the entrance of the cave, she heard long and loud breaths tinted with shakes in the exhaling. Truth be told, the dragoness was terribly intimidated to step further.

Not for the usual reason though. For once, she wasn’t afraid he’d turn against her in rage. No, she was afraid of the depth of his distress. She had faced many who had suffered loss, but in comparison, they were a fresh wind, when he was the heaviest tempest. She wasn’t even sure she could do anything about it.

Like he detected the dragoness timidly approaching from behind, he let out a shout that made her jump a good meter away.

“Please not now!” He then froze, and exhaled deeply. “I’m… I’m sorry… just… Give me five minutes, o-okay?”

It was a mystery how he heard her coming over his sobbing, but she couldn’t help but respect his request. Or rather, his warning. It was impressive how he managed to formulate it nicely, but it didn’t hide his imperious need to not be left alone.

Patiently, the dragoness waited outside, and had enough compassion to not look at him. During the long minutes she waited here, hearing him crack, she had all time to think. How could such strong individual be so fragile on the inside? And more astonishing, how did he manage to hide it and pretend in face of everyone so convincingly? And for so long?

He almost seemed like a nice human… who would have been forced to learn the nastiest ways. She had been wrong, assuming a nice human wouldn’t be able to survive among the cruelest of their pears. He would have survived… but probably with the same result. An individual that had lost touch with his core…

She felt really mixed… It was extraordinary to see a human like him, and despite the consequences, was glad he existed to defend them. But on the other paw she felt guilty to consider it a good thing, when witnessing his suffering first hand. Wasn’t it normal to feel this kind of compassion for someone who put such energy in helping them, even if he was human?

“I’m sorry, you can come in now…” she heard him call her from the inside.

A bit hesitantly, the dragoness stepped in, and was surprise to notice that the atmosphere had become far more breathable than minutes before. There were still embers of distress burning here and there, but it was like the fire was dying after having burnt bright… or dark in his case.

“So what can I do for you?” he asked with a little voice.

“What can you do for me?” she repeated, taken aback. “I should be the one asking this…”

“No you shouldn’t…” he replied in a tired giggle, like the concept was funny to him. He sighed, and probably figured out she wouldn’t let it go so easily. “I’m sorry that you witnessed this… We should move on…”

Just like he thought his words, he got up on his feet, and turned with the intention of exiting. As if she’d let him…

Before she realized it herself, Nimera spread her wings to block the way out. This time, she wouldn’t let herself be impressed by his human nature. Her body reacted before her thought, but it was a gut feeling she fully validated, in plain consciousness. She wouldn’t let him out after what happened.

“You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what this was. I need to know in which extent you are dangerous to us. It was like… you suddenly fell apart…”

He seemed put off by her sudden pick of bravery, but didn’t force his way out. For a few seconds, he stared at her, then lowered his gaze with a sigh. He looked embarrassed.

“It was exactly that. Falling apart… commonly known as a panic attack… got too much information at once, and I crashed.” he took a deep breath, then lifted a hand to point at his temple. “It’s a side effect of my little condition. It happens once in a while, when I lose my track of thought or when I accumulated too much. But it’s alright really. All I need is to calm down a few minutes, then I’m operational again. You’ll get used to it too, if I don’t die before of course.”

But Nimera wasn’t fooled by his attempt to deviate from the subject. True that an army was coming for him. But what will happen then will depend on his state and for that, she needed to know everything.

“Your condition?” She asked carefully, walking closer. “You mean… Killian?”

“You’re quite observant. But no, Killian is new… Probably a side effect too…” he sighed, like he had forgotten about this other problem of his. “When I was a kid, my parents noticed I was weird, and the doctors diagnosed me a rare, if not unique condition. They called it ‘brain superactivity’. Fancy words to say that my douchebag brain won’t ever shut up, like a bulimic that needs constant feeding. I’m not especially smarter, but I think and process information much faster than average. That, and a good memory. The advantages stop there. On the bad side, we have super emotivity, anxieties, compulsive and obsessive behavior, all the fun stuff you probably witnessed already… As I grew up, I managed to gain some control of it, but I can never escape the occasional breakdown. As for Killian, considering what he’s already done, I shall advise to keep away from him at any cost. I think you know everything…”

“Well… more than understanding what was happening to you… I was wondering if I could do something for you.”

This time, the human cared to lift the chin and look at her, with a little smile. It was obvious that these red eyes had cried, but overall, his face had almost come back to normal.

“I’m fine now, thank you. As I said, I’ll be back on stage in a few minutes, like nothing happened.”

“That doesn’t answer my question…” she insisted. And to that, the human replied first with a sigh.

“Look, I see what you’re trying to do. But trust me, it’s better if you stop there. I am not the one who’s to be helped. I’m the one who helps. That’s how I work. So I don’t hurt people instead.”

“Come one, you can be serious. You don’t expect anyone to help you? Ever? After you try to hard to help them?”

“Look. In my life, I made one mistake that lasted for too long, that mistake was precisely hoping someone would help me.
I lost a parent at a young age and everyone ignore the poor child that cried, cried and cried again in silence. Then in my teenage, I felt different, like I was a freak. And there was no one to tell me the opposite. Worse, they encouraged it, they enjoyed making me feel low, to better control me.
And on and on it went, depression, anger, desperate calls for help that never found response. That’s when I understood it that my life took a turn. They had millions of occasions to help me. Some tried, couldn’t and took their distances. Some faced a wall when I understood that they used my problems to shine. And the immense majority never even came.
All of them, it wasn’t their fault. They all had good excuses, their own problems to deal with. They had more important stuff to deal with than a poor, regular man whose salvation wouldn’t be rewarding. I lived thousands and thousands of days where nobody came to help. And despite that, do you know what my biggest regret is, right now?”

In her whole life, Nimera never had such an intimidating question to answer. She couldn’t even measure the horrors he was telling.

Unlike dragons, he probably never had to live each day like it was the last. But he lived other kinds of suffering. Human kinds of suffering. Betrayal, abandon, it wasn’t exactly worse than dragons’ suffering. It was different. But undeniably as torturing, in a way the dragoness couldn’t fully understand.

So naming his biggest regret? It would have been asking a most hated cloud shape to a blind… She logically came to prefer silence.

“Having missed the occasion to tell your friends out there that they impressed me.” He said between clenched teeth. “I would have never expected a single one of them to follow my advice. And I saw fifty-seven in the air. They actually listened to me. And they proved me that they wanted to live. Now all they have in mind is how I scolded the few that remained on the ground…”

“Are you afraid they’ll think less of you? Because none of them would dare to even have an opinion on you…”

“It’s not that! I don’t care what others think of me. This is not the way I want to be.” He made gestures with his hands, like it would give more weight to his words. “You don’t make others improve by bringing those who fail into the mud. You inspire them by highlighting the good behaviors, the example to follow. The right way to improve is to make them sincerely want to, not making them afraid to fail…”

This human wasn’t only different from his species. He had a mind like she had never met, even among dragons. In a way, what he talked about made sense to her. But these were concepts she never had the leisure to think of.

“You really are not easy to follow.”

“But maybe it can give you an overall idea on why I need to move on, Nimera. I’m scared, I’m alone, I lost everything. My brain is already starting to disperse in every direction. If I don’t have something to focus on, this is more than five minutes I’ll be spending in that cave.”

It almost sounded like… begging. It put the dragoness in quite an uncomfortable position. She understood nothing of his problem, could only feel the emotional consequences of it. Whether it was good or not for him, he sincerely felt the need to get out. Or… the fear to stay?

“Alright, but you tell me what you focus on.” She gave up, folding her wings but still staring at him a bit authoritatively. It was strange, maybe was it because she saw him break. But she didn’t fear him as much as before. “I believe that you want to act in our interest. Whether I like it or not, you’re our only hope to keep the casualties at a minimum. Tell me what you need.”

“Understanding this place. Learning whatever the LTOH or the old one could teach me. Figuring out what these humans truly want and what they can do. But most importantly and top one priority, finding a way to end the turmoil I created.”

“Sooo… You still think there is hope, right?”

“The ghost seemed to think there is…”

“You mean the white shadow? He appeared twice for you. This cannot be random.”

“What can you tell me about him? I thought first that I had gone crazy, but he seems to be pretty much real.”

If there was any subject she would have never pictured herself speaking seriously about, it was this one. A tale of unknown origin, which the dragoness knew was shared with the humans.

“Not much… Old legends that speak about a being above everything else, appearing from time to time when the island is at a turn. And his interventions are only understood after the events occurred. If he chose to support you, there must be reason.”

“Yeah the reason is, there’s nothing better than a sociopathic alter ego to set fire to the powders.” The human replied grumpily. “And the nice counterpart who has to deal with the consequences. Always the same who inherit the worst… The question is, how can he expect me to survive this confrontation, without any weapon?”

“You do have the sword you stole from that shifter. Two if we count the weapon of the other one.”

“In that particular case, I’m speaking more dissuasive. Something I could use to a bigger effect. A blade won’t be enough…”

While he got silent, lost in his thought, an anxiety grew on Nimera. She was scared that leaving him alone too long with his own mind would make him break down again. It was out of question to witness this again so soon!

“Then I guess… you could try opening the vault.” She proposed hesitantly.

A spark of interest illuminated the human’s eyes. Like the word was not only familiar to him, but also a good omen. She instantly regretted, for the hope she read in his eyes would only end in one way. A deep disappointment.

“The vault? What is that?”

“The reason we live here, that’s what we guard. More precisely, what the matriarch and patriarch of the dragons have the responsibility to guard.”

The human looked at her like she impressed him with her few words. He could have such a dumb face when he was confused.

“I… I’m sorry, no offense but… I didn’t know you knew the concept of responsibility, not in such dimension. Anyway, what’s in it?”

“We don’t know exactly. No one ever managed to enter it. But it’s said that it contains anything anyone might ever need. When the time is right.”

“When the time is right? What does it mean?”

“Don’t ask me, this is what’s actually written on its door… It is said that it’s been left by humans to dragons in a time they weren’t evil.”

“Alright… Alright!” he groaned, like he suffered a sudden headache. “One second please, you gave me important leads there that I need to put in a corner of my mind for later. A mission given by humans, in a supposed time of peaceful cohabitation. Huge clue there, possible source of conflict. I’ll dig that later if I can…”

He could be so weird at times… The longer the dragoness watched him, the more she had the feeling he mentally fought himself.

“Let’s keep on track, you said this vault was the responsibility of the patriarch or the matriarch of dragons.” He snapped his fingers several times, but more to keep focusing as it seemed. “Tell me the patriarch isn’t the old one.”

“Y-Yes he is…” she replied honestly. But as he began to sigh, she promptly continued. “I… guess it leaves the matriarch then…”

“Oh great, I thought this was a unique title. but wait, it means… the matriarch…” he hesitated, then looked at her strangely.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” she began to feel nervous.

“Come one, not with me… It’s obvious… I feel so stupid for not having guessed sooner…” he said with a little smile. “Of course your kind has a matriarch… The only one following a human to make sure it’s not a threat… The only one taking care of a misfit that clearly isn’t her offspring. The only one who brought me Ghelana before I even asked for it, because she was the only one caring about a mourning sister. And she’s standing between me and the exit to make sure I won’t break down again in front of souls in need for a hope. Being a matriarch demands both heart and sense of responsibility, you incarnate both, better than any other I met here.”

“T-To dragons, matriarch only means the oldest female alive…” she corrected, not comfortable with the compliments. It was another odd trait of this human compared to the rest of his species. “You noticed all that?”

“Of course I did. Those who do good always get noticed from me. Even when they do mistake, I keep seeing the good souls they are.” He replied with a little smile, but one that carried a small hope. And Nimera had to admit… she preferred him that way. “You’re a strange species, but I do want you all to live… You deserve it, in my eyes. Nimera, this vault could be our only hope. It could contain weapons, or at least a piece of technology I could scare them with. If you can bring me to it, I may be able to save you all.”

The dragoness felt a bit reluctant. Not because she opposed to his project, on the contrary. If he could find anything helpful there, it would be unhoped. But the vault never opened. Many tried, humans, some dragons even. The big door had remained sealed. He was different, but probably not to the point they would open for him.

And what next? When he’d face a dead end again? Would he drown back into despair? Nimera was sincerely wondering if encouraging him on another lead wouldn’t be safer. However, she couldn’t afford the luxury to protect his ego, if there was the slightest chance it would work. It was bigger than them both. It was for the community. Whatever the risks.

“Alright… but don’t feel down if you turn out to not be that special.” She warned him, taking the lead.

“That would be the first time I’d feel normal since I arrived on this island…”