You asked for critique, so I'll list the two biggest problems:

1) the lyrics are impossible to understand - you modified the voices too much
- (however, if you use both good voices AND these modified ones together in a chorus, you can make something wild with the correct balance)

2) stock percussion, you should add more life to drums/hats or else it'll sound like elevator music

Good luck

Thank you, usually no one responds at all. :3

1) yes, i know the vocals are very hard to understand, but it is not that the voices are modified too much, it is this was my first time trying to use a vocoder and so I'm not very good at it, plus my voice isn't well suited for singing solos and as of now that's the only voice I have access to X3

2) no not stock percussion, that was me just not caring that much because it was a project for class mixed together with the facts that I suck at coming up with percussion and that the song was written in 624 BPM even though it is really only 156 BPM
- (any suggestions for the percussion (besides just "add more life") or references of good percussion you might point me toward?)

And, uh... thanks for the luck? X3

I use Vengeance Essential Club Sounds - http://www.vengeance-sound.de/eng/SampleCDs.html
But there are millions of similar sample packs floating around. Image-Line offers their own CDs next to FL Studio, for example.

First off, you might want to use at least two cymbals, a louder kick that's also thicker (not just a little thump only on the low frequency end).
And definitely replace the tiny snare drum with whatever you like from a sample pack.

If you feel poor, you can probably torrent the above packs for now.

Also, it's a bit fast for the genre, and you still have room to expand the melody further in my opinion.

Yeah, my funds are basically nil right now, but I also want to move away from having to resort to less than legal measures, so I don't see any sample CDs in my near future.
Anywho, what exactly is the tempo of the genre (and/or what genre is this tempo)?
And as for the melody, yes, I know it could use some work too, but his was an "oh shit, this is due in two days" kind of song, which I'm not very fond of in general being a bit of a composer newb.

Torrenting gives you a head start with learning though, and if you're decent and honest, you'll buy it anyway later on.
(Besides, if you want to work with music seriously, you'll have to buy the stuff beforehand.)
I did the same myself. Haven't purchased everything yet though, because my full suite is probably going to be worth over 1000 USD.

You can try anything from 125 bpm (very slow) to 150 bpm (very fast), the majority of songs sit somewhere between 130 and 140.

I don't intend to work with music as an occupation (if that's what you mean by seriously). I'm going into computer engineering so it's more so just a hobby/to have a general background. And I have done some torrenting in the past, but I've also bought some stuff and intend to try to transition over to using legal media exclusively and just work with what I have available for the time being.

And as for the tempo, this was intended to be kind of like uplifting "listening trance" I guess... basically not the kind of stuff you'd dance to, so being a smidgen faster than very fast is okay, or at least that's what I would assume.

It's not impossible to dance to this just because it's a little faster. People can dance to music much faster than this.

Also, being able to dance to something has nothing to do with how you intend it to sound.
Something can be "uplifting" and "listening music" like this: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2367161
That's 137 bpm, pretty comfortable.

I love this..

But then I'm a sucker for something with a synth'ed up voice like that.

Thanks! I'm glad you like it!
My voice really kinda sucks though, so I'll probably try to get someone else to sing the lyrics if I ever rework this. X3