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Here's a commission I wrote up for one of my patreons, 
WeirdKev-27 give him a big hand everyone :)
~
Shani the lioness and her cubs don't belong to me, instead they belong to StrikerSA. LET'S GET THIS SHIT ON!!!!!
~
Deep inside the dark and treacherous Congo Jungle, currently free of warring factions and people trying murder each other. As far as she could tell anyways, and with her incredible senses that wasn't too hard to see.
Who was 'she'? Why it was Anala Mritue, the Bengal tigress who hunted treasures and riches around the world and beyond. Leaping from tree to tree with the tread of a ninja, she was on what could be considered a quick cash grab.
Anala had visited Africa on multiple occasions to hunt for treasure, usually to give to museums and institutions for cash. She loved her job immensely, especially when she was looking for treasure out in the wilderness.
She'd heard rumors of a lost statuette from an old, long gone African civilization. Little was known about it save that it used to belong to the Congo and apparently was the reason Atlantis was only able to establish one colony in Africa as opposed to a whole hell of a lot more.
Still, with how little people actually knew about these people, their baubles were quite valuable. So when Anala heard rumors of an ancient temple in the Congo that belonged to these people, possibly more even. The Congo was far from the most dangerous place she'd ever looked for treasure, and when you've risked death at the hands of General Shin-Ho, dictator of North Korea, and his security forces to find treasure, facing a feral lion wouldn't be anywhere near as nasty.
Creeping up on a sturdy tree, Anala's eyes scanned the darkened forest, thinking to herself about something new and unsurprising 'Hmm...I had heard that there were others after this same thing...I knew I'd have smelt something.'
On the wind held a plethora of scents, people had been patrolling this jungle and she could smell faint gun oil. But what the eyes and ears had better proof of another presence, from glimpses of light seen distantly through the twisting trees or the echos of voices and vehicles at work somewhere.
The tigress narrowed her eyes and kept a keen gaze focused “Hmm” she murmured “I suppose the rumors were true. We have another digger nearby.”
Anala had been hearing there were people active in the area, specifically well armed mobsters from another country. Which one she wasn't sure of, there'd been some demented information blackout surrounding this group...it could've been anyone from the mafia to the forces of the aforementioned Shin-Ho.
There was a distinct possibility that it was someone much worse than the other two, and Anala sincerely hoped that son of a bitch had nothing to do with this. She quite frankly wanted nothing to do with that aggravating maniac.
The tigress continued her tree-hopping trek, but quicker and quieter than before in case sentries were afoot.
Quick glimpses at the jungle floor made Anala scowl, what kind of asshole just leaves perfectly good trees laying cut down in the jungle? Scratch that...who cuts down trees and clearly has them dragged into and subsequently dumped in the woods.
Several minutes later, Anala had to jump down from the trees, but she'd reached her arrival.
Someone had built a moderately sized fort in the middle of the Congo jungle, one with very tall walls made out of concrete, with four roving spotlights and motion sensor guns attached to them. All around it was a neatly mowed grass lawn, about forty feet long and surrounding the whole complex like a perfectly round moat.
Anala lay in some covering bushes and carefully observed the fort, nobody was seen up at the top of the walls, but they had to have some guards somewhere.
Somewhere out there, she heard an alarm and the “CLANG” of a trapdoor opening...sounded less metallic than usual though.
Our tigress heroine however, know full well this could be avoided, but she had to hustle before guards started to search the area for anyone else. She'd dealt with trapdoors before, so if she moved carefully and felt through her feet as hard as she could, she might
“Very well...a shame to profit off of the failure of others, but they clearly do not want visitors.”
The tigress' self-aimed muttering finished, she leapt free and stealth-sprinted across towards the walls.
Narrowly dodging a searchlight, she kept an eye on that roof, and spotted a spot she just might have been able to reach if she just used her impressive leg strength to its limit.
Of course, the element of surprised fucked this up big time.
Because as Anala was halfway bounding across the lengthy lawn, a loud noise was heard and the ground disappeared beneath her.
Seems these trapdoors were sneakier than they thought.
Fear streaked through Anala's brain, but as she looked down, there were no pit of spikes beneath her, as she feel right down into a slide.
She zoomed through the darkened shaft, speeding like a bullet only to be shot out of a hole, and instead of some sort of death trap, she was stuck in a most particular room.
The room was clearly lit, but aside from that, several feet away were several rows of protrusions made out of concrete.
Each row had about three sequences of these, five per each, shaped vaguely like a tombstone and just large enough for an average person to hide behind.
Anala was quite positive these were more or less just shields for whatever garrison this fortress had, so that if they had attackers drop in, they could find cover quickly in a firefight. She's seen these kind of things before, highly annoying.
Around the room were about four other holes in the wall, each one was about ten feet wide and high, and the one she had just came in from was screwing shut. The controls were over by the left seemed to be based on the use of cards.
At the opposing end of all of the 'shields' rising out of the ground, there was a very wide door, made out of metal and securely shut with a heavy latch in between both sides of the aforementioned entryway.
Scanning the room, she noticed an oddly dressed female lion on the other end of the expansive chamber.
Or rather, oddly under dressed. As she was almost completely naked.
The lionness was a beautiful woman with an slender yet very fit build, with a tuft of brown hair hanging up like some sort of mohawk, not the sort of mane she was used to seeing, her fur was a light tan with a much lighter tan on her front, with turquoise eyes...And she was naked.
About all she had on a pair of dog tags, a black belt with several pouches, a knife holster fastened
to her left leg with a pair of straps, a pair of tan/brown hiking boots, and a blue backpack.
The lionness had her knife drawn, holding it underhand, stalking towards Anala carefully.
Anala held back, hunching her shoulders to appear a bit larger, but then calmed down 'Okay Anala, let us see if its killing time or not. Hopefully it isn't our fate to be enemies tonight.'
The lioness had gotten within six feet of Anala and started studying her carefully “Hey, who the hell're you? Some Sheena fan girl?”
“That depends oh lion, are you with the Nudist Ninja clan?”
“...Those freaks are real?”
“As real as their obsession with warm Monster energy drinks, and their morbidly obese leader.”
The lioness shuddered like she was the protagonist of a Lovecraft story encountering some demented cosmic horror “Christ...no, no I'm not one of those fuckers.”
“Hmm...good...still doesn't answer why you're naked.”
The chest of the lioness lifted up as her nostrils exhaled air hot enough it looked pretty much like steam “Oh yes, yes. You're ashamed to be in the same room as a woman who is proud and unashamed enough of her own skin that she'll willingly go without any clothing at all. Merely because of some stupid cultural hangup that most everybody has for some stupid fucking reason!”
“Ummm...not exactly” Anala countered, absolutely unfazed “Actually I have encountered plenty of societies, on two separate continents, that were quite willing to go around without a stitch of clothing. It was their custom, and not a detriment at all...I'm simply saying that going around completely nude isn't quite the best idea for adventuring, it seems most impractical.”
The lioness, though still annoyed, thought about this “Hmm...fair enough. Still pretty pretentious if you ask me. I mean I've traveled across every bloody spot of land on Earth with less than this and I've done pretty damn well.”
“Yes, indeed...I figured that out from your...obvious lack of scar tissue.”
“Exactly...but what about mosquitoes, sunburns, and the cold?”
“There's some useful sprays and ointments for the first, same for the second, and as for the cold...well, if I'm in Russia I don't have much of a choice there do I? I'll bundle up coats if I need them in an arctic wasteland...anywhere else though, it's au naturale for me.”
“Hmm...alright, I mean I myself go without shoes half the time anyways. That's probably far more impractical.”
“Exactly...are you an artifact hunter? Treasure hunter? Tomb raider?”
The tigress nodded “My name is Anala Mritue, and I am what is commonly referred to as an 'independent operator', I suppose you'd say I am a bit of the first two. I'm not someone who...defiles crypts, I simply hunt for riches and track down historical items and return them, intact, for money.”
“Huh...actually I think I might've heard of you...my name is Shani Uzuri, I'm an agent for Relic Reclamation's International.”
“You work for Hoggish McGreed's firm?”
Shani scowled again “It's McGheed!”
“Oh, sorry.”
Anala shuffled, looking around the room “Did mister...McGheed tell you anything about this? I heard a rumor some large group was scavenging around here. I unfortunately have no information aside from this on precisely who would build such an elaborate fortress right here in the jungle.”
Shani thought deeply “Hmm. Actually, Mr. McGheed had heard similar rumors, and with a bit more information...we're very certain that that some European criminal operation, a very large one, has been establishing a compound here for the purpose of 'mining' artifacts, amulets and magical baubles, taking full advantage of the fact there's a pretty large surplus of ancient artifacts, which apparently they're intending to sell on the black market.”
Anala's thoughts on the matter were anything but good, especially since this outfit came out of Europe. “It is not based out of Spain I hope.”
“Actually yes, it is...aside from this, I'm afraid we don't know anything else about him...in all fairness, we didn't really think there was anyone here, anyone with these sort of resources at least...and what kind of an asshole just leaves fresh, perfectly good trees to rot in the middle of the fucking jungle?!”
“Unfortunately” Anala growled “I do.”
Just as Shani was about to ask what Anala was fucking talking about, the door began to open “Quick” Anala yowled “Duck down! Behind the shields!”
Shani tilted her head curiously, but as Anala swiftly ducked behind the cover, the lioness got suspicious, and calmly ducked behind the shield, just as the door finished opening.
And then the voice of that insufferable bastard broke through the air, accompanied by the noise of a lot of footsteps.
“Ahhhhh, and thus the ignorant savages, who are probably lesbians or some other kind of broad too stupid to know which way is the bedroom arri-...hey! Come on ladies...where are you hiding?! Olly-olly...whatever the hell that retarded biscuit-eater expression is. Hey! You fleabags find a litter-box or something?! Get out here!”
Shani had heard that voice before, but never personally, it sounded vaguely American in terms of accent, with a very faint hint of a Spanish one, as if the speaker had been working hard to get that accent totally free from his system and wasn't doing the best of jobs where that was concerned. But most noticeably was the least pleasant of traits, the fact that it was filled with an unusual smugness, a certain piercing, haughty, 'better than you are' sort of arrogant air that only someone with a Jupiter sized ego and an utter contempt for everyone else, coupled with the crudeness equaling that of a South Park character but with a cruel edge sharp as obsidian. Shani had heard of the stories surrounding this man, and realized that the clear waste of that lumber should have been a dead ringer for who the mystery villain was.
Anala and Shani both peaked behind the edge of the shield, and looked over at the open door. Standing there were about eight men, decked out in tan military outfits, with bulletproof vests on and steel helmets in a German style, the gals saw these outfits on three caucasian humns, two cats, a griffin and a gillman, each one were armed with assault rifles and revolvers, with the griffin hold a wide assault shield capable of ...but the last man here, standing right behind the shield, happened to be in a different outfit altogether.
The man had black hair, which he'd kept slick back, along with a thin but narrow mustache, his eyes were thin and beady, his complexion was tan and he wore a brown suit with expensive, matching shoes, along with a tan waistcoat and blue tie.
While the henchmen were more or less stoic and at attention, the man however had the most aggravatingly smug and malicious smirk plastered on his face.
Anala and Shani knew exactly who this man was “Joshua Sanchez!”
At their dual exclamation, Joshua Sanchez's smirk grew wider “Well, well well...who knew rugs could talk. Hello Anala...you know, I bet you take it in the ass with a name like that. Come on now you jungle slut, bring your throw-rug ass out here so I can insult your knuckle dragging ass further. And no slings and arrows now you filthy savage, my boys here'll swiss cheese you better than those filthy froggies and their overpriced junk food!”
Anala begrudgingly peaked her head around the corner and studied him carefully, then stepped on out “You racist mother fucker” she growled “Oh yes, it is most obvious now. You set this all up.”
“Well when you're selling goods on the negro-market, you're gonna want to diversify your portfolio. You'd fucking know that if you had a fully functioning head, savage. So when it turns out some dirt-digger in Africa, some broad who was probably fucking the natives, finds evidence that there's a whole fucking trove of valuable trash from some past civilization of savages...how a bunch of blacks could make all this bibbity-bobbity bullshit I have no fucking clue, but hell, the Americans somehow made nuclear bombs, so maybe this is like air turning into gold or something.
“Either way, I knew Indiana Jones rip-offs like you'd be showing up soon enough, so I figured why not frack the place? I had to send in a goddamn locust hoard of builders but you know, when you have a good chance to make some quick cash by ripping off a bunch of pants-shitting academics and the local savages, why not rally the troops and shoot any bastard we find?!”
Now while Sanchez had been going off on a long-ass, racist gloat, during which Anala wished she had a tape recorder, Shani had been boiling within and stepped out into vision “HEY! Watch who you're calling a savage asshole!”
Sanchez took one look at Shani and his malicious grin spread wider “WHOA! Jesus Christ! I knew you women had to be sluts but DAMN! That's gotta be the sluttiest limey on Earth! I mean she's making this way too easy. HA!”
Shani's blood was finally boiling up...not literally because that would be gross, but her fury at the man Sanchez was making her very keen on slicing that throat of his out...and believe me, he wasn't helping his case at all.
“Awwwww” he mockingly hissed “Look it the little cub, she just wants to rip my heart out doesn't she? Doesn't Simba's slutty sister want to rip me in half? Awwww come on bitch, come and try.”
Anala scowled on up at Sanchez “Sanchez, you really ought to visit Hetelville one of these days. My boyfriend and his colleagues say they could really use a nice whipping post.”
Sanchez snorted “HA! What?! The Americans whip me?! Oh please, those freaks might as well line up to suck my billion-dollar penis! If none of those cunts were up to my superior standards.
“God you people are pathetic, so poor...and you two are bitches on top of that!”
'Please shut up already' the griffin scowled inwardly, this guy wasn't being paid nearly enough to listen to this asshole.
“Well mister Sanchez, I must hand it to you” Anala cautiously began “You've made an impressive operation here...there is however, one minuscule flaw in this.”
“Which is?” The billionaire sociopath asked.
“The simple fact that for all of your money, all of your cunning schemes, the operation you personally wish to oversee...is this.”
“So?!” He was getting suspicious.
“Oh nothing, nothing...save for the fact that you've openly said you'd never set foot on this continent unless you had nothing more or less than a big pit full of gold as a toilet at the least.”
Sanchez shifted nervously, he attempted to keep up his old mood but...“Yeah...well how the fuck would you know that?! That's just some bullshit your boyfriend made up!”
“If Alistair had made it up, than why did you say exactly that, right at me, when I stopped you from stealing Ayers Rock?”
The wealthy dipshit's grin fell “...I was never at Ayers Rock.”
“Even though you barely slipped through my fingers purely because you went to the bathroom on that rock to 'piss off the natives'. As much as I would like to forget that, I haven't. Which begs the question, what exactly interests you enough that YOU would come here personally?”
Sanchez gulped, but foolishly attempted to regain his composure...his job at that however resulted in him just blowing her off “Up yours rug!”
Anala slowly clapped, with the most sarcastic look imaginable on her face “Oh yes, most original. How witty and clever.”
“SHUT IT!” The infuriated Spaniard howled out, making the extremely dumb move of stepping out from behind the shield “MEN! KILL THESE CUNTS!” A sadistic grin grew on his face “Kill and rape! I give zero shits about the order! But do the lion first! Oh yeah, yeah...I mean she came here all naked and shit, she's clearly looking to get railed and shit. So enjoy the rods you little bitches!” Sanchez turned around to walk out “I'm gonna eat a lot of bran, and I'll need a toilet after they're done! HAH!”
But as Sanchez turned around, Shani had had enough, she'd listened to this for as long as she could but now she had what she was waiting for...her target. Because as the men started to advance, Shani moved faster than a bullet shooting out of a gun, pulled out her other knife, and hurled it right through the air, the angle it used would have bounced off the ground to meet its mark...which was kind of thrown off by grazing one of the goons. But not by much...
“AAAAAUUUGGGH!” Screeched Joshua Sanchez “MY ASSSSSSSSSSS!”
His left hand reached down, protectively clutching his left ass cheek, which currently had a knife stuck in it and was leaking out bodily fluids, whimpering and pained moaning poured out of his mouth “A-are you fucking serious?!”
He gripped the handle, and pulled it out, wincing as it fell to the floor and clattered “Money you fickle bitch! Where the fuck were you?!”
The only god he ever actually worshiped wouldn't help him now. And as Anala notched her bow, ready for the fight ahead, and Shani held her other knife steady, Sanchez finally just limped out of the room “JUST KILL THEM!”
The door slammed shut, leaving Shani and Anala at the mercy of seven armed maniacs with guns.
They should have been paid more.
The hospital bills for the survivors was gonna be costly.
Anala fired off an arrow into the throat of one of the human goons, while she and Shani ducked back behind the shields to dodge the lead being sent their way
The men surged forward, though they kept about ten feet from that row of shields at the end. But as they attempted to make their way over to the ladies, they didn't notice Shani leaping about two rows over and sneaking over behind them.
Anala crouched down behind her chunk of cover, perched on all fours as she prepared another arrow, as the griffin suddenly turned the corner and fired, she shot off an arrow at his foot and then lunged forward.
As the griffin shrieked out and writhed in pain, Anala swiftly yanked the riot shield out of his talons and knocked him right out, promptly dodging bullets before ducking behind another set of shields.
The gillman was at the back, and he saw a flash of motion at the corner of his eye, the last thing he saw as Shani quickly slashed his throat. One of the cats suddenly turned to face her, only to receive a blow to the face that knocked him and most his teeth out.
The other cat took note, but in his attempt to shoot Shani, she nimbly took cover behind another row of shields, drawing on the attention of the other two humans as well...all too late because of Anala's quick reflexes with the bow, firing out shafts into all four of their arms.
When the cat attempted to turn and face Shani the lioness she lunged on out and punched him unconscious in a single blow.
As the humans attempted to flee the felines, they nearly made it to the door before Anala got to them, the sheer force of her pounce sending them off to dreamland.
Shani panted, not particularly much, but she wished she'd brought some guns with her. Though admittedly the fact that she'd just beat up about three ass hats with assault rifles using just a knife was pretty cool.
Anala stood up and stretched “Ahhh...very nice, quite sleek” then crouching down and starting to leaf through the outfit of one of the humans “Damn it. This one is empty.”
The tigress moved on over to the other surviving human, this time smirking a little “Ah. Perfect” she pulled out a keycard “And now that should be our ticket out of here.”
Shani looked up at the door “Seven down...he's probably got ten times that many on the other end.”
“Possibly...it won't help him, not one bit...oh, excellent move with that knife throw.”
Shani chuckled “Thanks sugar.”
Anala extended her fist, Shani bumped it.
SISFIST!
~
Today, as yet another of his many diabolical plans failed, Joshua was about to experience once again what it felt like to be the stock market in 2007.
Though unlike some of the rich people during the financial crisis of 1929, while someone was being derived of breath it wasn't a suicide attempt so much as it was Sanchez strangling some crow. Why? Because he was the messenger.
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THEY HAVEN'T BEEN KILLED AND RAPED YET?!!!!”
“Acck...agggaahaag” gurgled the crow.
“WHAT?! ARE YOU HELPING THEM OR SOMETHING?! MOTHERFUCKER!”
“Umm, sir?” A burly jackal piped in “I think you're choking him.”
“CHOKING IS FOR YOUR FUCKING FOOD KING NUT! THIS IS STRAAAAAAANGLINGGGG!!!”
“Well, uh, is it possible that he can't talk because you're strangling him?”
“Shut up! Of course he can't talk, I'm strangling him!” he let go of the crow “Now! What the fuck is going on down there?!”
“They...they're beating our asses.”
“And they probably sodomized you didn't you? Ya big queer!” Sanchez roared.
“I...I'm married sir.” The crow objected.
“Hey, not my fault she's your beard you fruit!”
The jackal crossed his arms “Mister Sanchez! Please, those two are ripping this place in half.”
“Ripping us?! How the fuck are they doing that?! THEY'RE JUST BITCHES!”
Then suddenly his massive rage abruptly vanished “Wait a minute...nah, they aren't ordinary bitches” he was finally thinking “I mean for fuck's sake, that stripy bitch cleaned me out before, and she didn't need help then either.”
Sanchez thought a bit “Motherfucker...alright you bastards, you wanna make me think lobotomizing your poor-person asses won't make a good time?! Listen closely.
“Most of this bric-a-brac we can fucking leave, but there's one thing you idiots better get before this ground anus sinks into mother nature's prostate...”
“Women don't have prostates” the jackal interrupted.
“SILENCE TOAD! NOW GET ME MY FUCKING BRIEFCASE!”
~
The tunnels of the underground base essentially turned into the setting of a a long hallway action seen from a Netflix series...but with nudity.
Admittedly Anala and Shani were wrong about just how many people Sanchez had laying down here in the tunnel, just ten armed guards who really didn't do the best of jobs in holding the two back.
Shani knelt down by the door controls to the surface “Bugger! Why did that douche have to grow a brain now?”
Anala was in the middle of smashing a nine foot tall hawk in full riot gear through a door “Don't be fooled by the fact he sounds like a caricature. Unfortunately Joshua Sanchez is smarter than he acts half the time, there is a reason this man has never been even spent a minute in a jailcell.”
Anala walked on over to Shani “Hmm, nice work...you're rewiring that door pretty fast, quicker than I would have done it.”
“Hot wiring is a go to skill for any hunter of relics...their families too. I had a lot of fun teaching this to my cubs.”
Anala lit up “You're a mother too?”
“Oh yes...I'll have to tell you about them later. Now...ah.”
The door opened up, the moonlight shining down onto them.
Anala and Shani moved into the interior of the fort...which quite frankly wasn't particularly well stocked, sporting a barricade, storehouse, a fence around the top of some ancient temple belonging to the old civilization Sanchez was looting...and a disturbingly well furnished trailer about forty feet away from the two felines.
As well as the suspiciously large and featureless black painted metal cube right next to the trailer, however, Sanchez and about ten guys (two Sasquatches, three doberman pinschers, a hippo, a couple of humans in Mardi-gras masks, and two foxes) who were in the middle of hauling priceless artifacts to the trailer. Sanchez himself had a decently sized briefcase in his left hand.
“Hurry up slaves! Lord Sanchez, the actual neo-Egyptian demands your wor...” he turned and his skin grew beet red with rage at the sight of the huntresses “...ship.”
Anala notched her bow, Shani gripped her knife and smirked “Hey Sanchez, having trouble sitting?”
“No thanks to you, you ugly whore!” He snarled “You think you got me here?! You motherfucker! I kept this bastard around in case of stripy's boyfriend...” he snapped his fingers and smirked “But you know what? This oughta work on you just fine.”
The cube suddenly started shifting, morphing and transforming out of a cube, growing into a twenty foot tall, humanoid death machine with oversized fists and a blocky build, it had one large red eye and had heavy plating on his front...on the back however, it was much weaker and made mostly of plastic coverings.
“Rubox the Magnificent is awake!” It roared.
“HA HA!” Sanchez pelvic thrusted “Sic 'em you goddamn toaster!”
Anala and Shani paled slightly “Oh dear” Anala muttered “I should have brought grenades.”
Shani shook her head slightly “I wish I'd stretched more.”
“RUBOX DOESN'T CARE!!!”
The giant robot charged over at them, stomping over like Godzilla in a bullfight.
Sanchez turned to his men “Take off now! Get the fuck outta here!” He turned back to the robot “I wanna stay and jerk off!”
Rubox charged on, and attempted to swing his fists down at the ladies, who quickly jumped clean out of the way.
Anala pulled out her bow and took a close look at the killer “Hmm, Rubox, I'm afraid magnificent does not belong in your volcabulary.”
The massive machine lifted up his foot and attempted to stomp on her.
“Quite frankly” Anala said “Who puts their vital mechanics on their back? Without covering much covering?”
“BECAUSE RUBOX'S DICK IS BIG- AAGGGGH!”
Shani had swiftly leapt onto Rubox's knees and cracked off a panel on the back...and then sliced off a bunch of cables on the back. Oil leaked on out.
“RUBOX WILL NEVER BE IN ROBO OLYMPICS NOW!”
Shani swiftly leapt up right onto the swinging fist of the murderous machine, and started running up the arm.
Anala started shooting arrows into the machine's eye.
“RUBOX'S EYE IS FULL OF SPLINTERS!”
The massive killing machine attempted to smash down where Anala stood...and then noticed Shani on his shoulder, peeling off another panel.
“Rubox insists you please reconsider.”
Shani grinned “Shani insists you shut the fuck up.”
“Rubox loves to talk.”
Shani looked down “Than eat dirt!”
Anala had exploited the chatterbox and, slipping behind him she showed up how watching all that WWE paid off, by doing a wrestling dropkick...on the back of Rubox's other knee.
“RUBOX IS GOING DOWN!” The frightened mechanical merc yelped. Shani jumped off and rolled down his back as he fell down...and smashed his head on the wall.
“Rubox is gonna take five.” And he was knocked...out?
Okay, how the fuck do you knock out an android through blunt trauma? Seriously?
...Then again androids can get organic sentients preggo in this 'verse so this is probably fair game here.
Either way, all safe and sound, Anala and Shani stood by the feet of the machine...and glared back at where Sanchez was standing.
Sanchez's skin had grown even more red “FUCK MY RICH ASS!”
Anala notched another arrow “Mister Sanchez, I'd be honored to make the other side match, even if I have to shoot out from the other side.”
“FUCK YOU RUG!” Sanchez kicked at the grass...and opened up a hatch in the process “Go back and live in America with your dipshit friends! I'm going back to Spain!”
Anala's bowstring released but Sanchez dove down the hole, narrowly dodging the arrow.
Shani bolted off like a lightning bolt “Oh no you aren't!” She growled.
A thunderous roar split the air as an oval shaped pod smashed through the ground, with the sound of twisted metallic noises grinding on the way. It bore through the ground, as retrorockets blasted the escape pod up through the air.
“YES I AM BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!” Sanchez's voice rang out as his escape pod shot out into the air, like a supersonic jet.
Shani gripped her knife tightly “Goddamn it!...Who the hell puts an escape pod in the ground? That has to be one weird fucking time capsule.”
Anala stepped up and patted her on the shoulder “I know...listen, you are not the sole person to try and fail at catching this miserable bastard.”
“Well how do you think I heard about him? Mr. McGheed has cursed up storms about this insufferable prick.”
“Aye...me and my boyfriend have too...especially him.”
Anala looked around and her eyes narrowed “The trailer is long gone now...shit...you have a radio?”
“Yes actually” Shani reached into her backpack “What's our game here?”
“Let's just say the current regime isn't particularly fond of underworld looters, most especially those who're fond of using ludicrously crude and unneeded term as opposed to 'the black market.'”
~
Thanks to the call Anala and Shani had placed into the authorities, plus them grabbing a spare jeep to go pursue the villains and their fancy trailer, the duo had managed to capture Sanchez's other men and recover the artifacts they were bolting with.
Unfortunately, shortly before they left, a suspicious power surge fried any computers on-site, and not a single man was willing to testify to Sanchez's involvement, no matter who was asking.
So once again, Joshua Sanchez had escaped punishment...aside from having a knife thrown in his ass. Though he did make off with whatever was held in that briefcase.
Shani and Anala were due to leave the country and head on to their respective homes. But for now, they were just visiting at a nearby restaurant.
“...So clothes usually itch horribly for you?”
Shani nodded “It is one of the biggest reasons why, aside from when I'm around my kids, I tend to go about in the nude.”
Anala thought deeply “I can imagine why, poor thing about that...personally I try not to go with buying store brand clothing. I prefer making my own clothes, usually out of animals I have personally hunted, ferals mind you.”
“Nice!” Shani grinned “Clever girl.”
“Thank you...I could show you how sometime. You did say that you go to Hetelville semi-frequently for business.”
“Hmm, okay...that sounds like it might be fun. Although” She purred “I wouldn't mind helping you learn how to give nudism a try.”
“Huh, that I am afraid is not quite my bag...I'd be delighted to give it a try though.”
“Alright!” Shani grinned with pride.
“And hopefully” she added “We can spear that douche the next time either of us meet him.”
“Hear hear” Anala raised up the glass containing her delicious beverage “To vendettas.”
“To vendettas” Shani agreed as she clinked her glass.
~
Meanwhile in the Spain based manor he called home, Joshua Sanchez's left buttock was feeling better thanks to healing balm, but Sanchez's ego was still in pain and he was cussing about it alright, to his trusty bodyguard and man Friday Andre Le Pein, the French chimpanzee currently wearing a gray bodysuit.
Sanchez however was laying on a massage table, on his stomach, with a bandaged ass.
“Oh yes, some bodyguard you are” the rich bastard hissed “Where were you when my ass was on the line?!”
“Mister Sanchez, was your heart transplanted to your butt?”
“OF COURSE NOT!”
“Were you in any serious danger of being caught?”
“YES!...Well, not particularly.”
“Then what is the problem sir?”
“THAT BITCH THREW A KNIFE IN MY ASS!”
“Which is preferable considering what some of your foes have done to you before. You may recall a certain incident with Julia Freud backing up a sewer into your bathroom stall...”
Sanchez would never forget that “Well...okay...BUT FUCK HER! That bitch stabbed me!”
“Perhaps, but if you also recall, I already had business elsewhere...you know, involving that one person who had evidence that could actually get you imprisoned?”
“...Fair enough.”
“Exactly...now, the men have stayed perfectly quiet in Africa...and since you are not even more furious, I assume you have what interested you the most?”
Sanchez smirked evilly “Oh yes...”
The billionaire bastard reached down into the briefcase resting by his table, and removed a journal “Honestly, how the fuck did we find this place first?”
“Indeed mister Sanchez...it is very fortunate Professor Moriarty and his friend didn't have access to good mining equipment.”
“It's even better that limey egghead kept journals in the first place...pretty good with codes.
“Take this to that one-eyed bear, tell him to get to work. The sooner we learn where Moriarty hid that shit, the sooner I'll be able to use America's Oval Office for a bathroom.”
“How apt mister Sanchez.”
“Hell yeah!...Hey, have you ever been shot in the ass?”
“No sir...also, might I suggest you possibly consider ceasing your practice of 'being a dick' to the people trying to stop you?”
“What? You think I'm gay or something?”
“Hmm...then you may want to put metal plates in your shorts.”
WeirdKev-27 give him a big hand everyone :)~
Shani the lioness and her cubs don't belong to me, instead they belong to StrikerSA. LET'S GET THIS SHIT ON!!!!!
~
Deep inside the dark and treacherous Congo Jungle, currently free of warring factions and people trying murder each other. As far as she could tell anyways, and with her incredible senses that wasn't too hard to see.
Who was 'she'? Why it was Anala Mritue, the Bengal tigress who hunted treasures and riches around the world and beyond. Leaping from tree to tree with the tread of a ninja, she was on what could be considered a quick cash grab.
Anala had visited Africa on multiple occasions to hunt for treasure, usually to give to museums and institutions for cash. She loved her job immensely, especially when she was looking for treasure out in the wilderness.
She'd heard rumors of a lost statuette from an old, long gone African civilization. Little was known about it save that it used to belong to the Congo and apparently was the reason Atlantis was only able to establish one colony in Africa as opposed to a whole hell of a lot more.
Still, with how little people actually knew about these people, their baubles were quite valuable. So when Anala heard rumors of an ancient temple in the Congo that belonged to these people, possibly more even. The Congo was far from the most dangerous place she'd ever looked for treasure, and when you've risked death at the hands of General Shin-Ho, dictator of North Korea, and his security forces to find treasure, facing a feral lion wouldn't be anywhere near as nasty.
Creeping up on a sturdy tree, Anala's eyes scanned the darkened forest, thinking to herself about something new and unsurprising 'Hmm...I had heard that there were others after this same thing...I knew I'd have smelt something.'
On the wind held a plethora of scents, people had been patrolling this jungle and she could smell faint gun oil. But what the eyes and ears had better proof of another presence, from glimpses of light seen distantly through the twisting trees or the echos of voices and vehicles at work somewhere.
The tigress narrowed her eyes and kept a keen gaze focused “Hmm” she murmured “I suppose the rumors were true. We have another digger nearby.”
Anala had been hearing there were people active in the area, specifically well armed mobsters from another country. Which one she wasn't sure of, there'd been some demented information blackout surrounding this group...it could've been anyone from the mafia to the forces of the aforementioned Shin-Ho.
There was a distinct possibility that it was someone much worse than the other two, and Anala sincerely hoped that son of a bitch had nothing to do with this. She quite frankly wanted nothing to do with that aggravating maniac.
The tigress continued her tree-hopping trek, but quicker and quieter than before in case sentries were afoot.
Quick glimpses at the jungle floor made Anala scowl, what kind of asshole just leaves perfectly good trees laying cut down in the jungle? Scratch that...who cuts down trees and clearly has them dragged into and subsequently dumped in the woods.
Several minutes later, Anala had to jump down from the trees, but she'd reached her arrival.
Someone had built a moderately sized fort in the middle of the Congo jungle, one with very tall walls made out of concrete, with four roving spotlights and motion sensor guns attached to them. All around it was a neatly mowed grass lawn, about forty feet long and surrounding the whole complex like a perfectly round moat.
Anala lay in some covering bushes and carefully observed the fort, nobody was seen up at the top of the walls, but they had to have some guards somewhere.
Somewhere out there, she heard an alarm and the “CLANG” of a trapdoor opening...sounded less metallic than usual though.
Our tigress heroine however, know full well this could be avoided, but she had to hustle before guards started to search the area for anyone else. She'd dealt with trapdoors before, so if she moved carefully and felt through her feet as hard as she could, she might
“Very well...a shame to profit off of the failure of others, but they clearly do not want visitors.”
The tigress' self-aimed muttering finished, she leapt free and stealth-sprinted across towards the walls.
Narrowly dodging a searchlight, she kept an eye on that roof, and spotted a spot she just might have been able to reach if she just used her impressive leg strength to its limit.
Of course, the element of surprised fucked this up big time.
Because as Anala was halfway bounding across the lengthy lawn, a loud noise was heard and the ground disappeared beneath her.
Seems these trapdoors were sneakier than they thought.
Fear streaked through Anala's brain, but as she looked down, there were no pit of spikes beneath her, as she feel right down into a slide.
She zoomed through the darkened shaft, speeding like a bullet only to be shot out of a hole, and instead of some sort of death trap, she was stuck in a most particular room.
The room was clearly lit, but aside from that, several feet away were several rows of protrusions made out of concrete.
Each row had about three sequences of these, five per each, shaped vaguely like a tombstone and just large enough for an average person to hide behind.
Anala was quite positive these were more or less just shields for whatever garrison this fortress had, so that if they had attackers drop in, they could find cover quickly in a firefight. She's seen these kind of things before, highly annoying.
Around the room were about four other holes in the wall, each one was about ten feet wide and high, and the one she had just came in from was screwing shut. The controls were over by the left seemed to be based on the use of cards.
At the opposing end of all of the 'shields' rising out of the ground, there was a very wide door, made out of metal and securely shut with a heavy latch in between both sides of the aforementioned entryway.
Scanning the room, she noticed an oddly dressed female lion on the other end of the expansive chamber.
Or rather, oddly under dressed. As she was almost completely naked.
The lionness was a beautiful woman with an slender yet very fit build, with a tuft of brown hair hanging up like some sort of mohawk, not the sort of mane she was used to seeing, her fur was a light tan with a much lighter tan on her front, with turquoise eyes...And she was naked.
About all she had on a pair of dog tags, a black belt with several pouches, a knife holster fastened
to her left leg with a pair of straps, a pair of tan/brown hiking boots, and a blue backpack.
The lionness had her knife drawn, holding it underhand, stalking towards Anala carefully.
Anala held back, hunching her shoulders to appear a bit larger, but then calmed down 'Okay Anala, let us see if its killing time or not. Hopefully it isn't our fate to be enemies tonight.'
The lioness had gotten within six feet of Anala and started studying her carefully “Hey, who the hell're you? Some Sheena fan girl?”
“That depends oh lion, are you with the Nudist Ninja clan?”
“...Those freaks are real?”
“As real as their obsession with warm Monster energy drinks, and their morbidly obese leader.”
The lioness shuddered like she was the protagonist of a Lovecraft story encountering some demented cosmic horror “Christ...no, no I'm not one of those fuckers.”
“Hmm...good...still doesn't answer why you're naked.”
The chest of the lioness lifted up as her nostrils exhaled air hot enough it looked pretty much like steam “Oh yes, yes. You're ashamed to be in the same room as a woman who is proud and unashamed enough of her own skin that she'll willingly go without any clothing at all. Merely because of some stupid cultural hangup that most everybody has for some stupid fucking reason!”
“Ummm...not exactly” Anala countered, absolutely unfazed “Actually I have encountered plenty of societies, on two separate continents, that were quite willing to go around without a stitch of clothing. It was their custom, and not a detriment at all...I'm simply saying that going around completely nude isn't quite the best idea for adventuring, it seems most impractical.”
The lioness, though still annoyed, thought about this “Hmm...fair enough. Still pretty pretentious if you ask me. I mean I've traveled across every bloody spot of land on Earth with less than this and I've done pretty damn well.”
“Yes, indeed...I figured that out from your...obvious lack of scar tissue.”
“Exactly...but what about mosquitoes, sunburns, and the cold?”
“There's some useful sprays and ointments for the first, same for the second, and as for the cold...well, if I'm in Russia I don't have much of a choice there do I? I'll bundle up coats if I need them in an arctic wasteland...anywhere else though, it's au naturale for me.”
“Hmm...alright, I mean I myself go without shoes half the time anyways. That's probably far more impractical.”
“Exactly...are you an artifact hunter? Treasure hunter? Tomb raider?”
The tigress nodded “My name is Anala Mritue, and I am what is commonly referred to as an 'independent operator', I suppose you'd say I am a bit of the first two. I'm not someone who...defiles crypts, I simply hunt for riches and track down historical items and return them, intact, for money.”
“Huh...actually I think I might've heard of you...my name is Shani Uzuri, I'm an agent for Relic Reclamation's International.”
“You work for Hoggish McGreed's firm?”
Shani scowled again “It's McGheed!”
“Oh, sorry.”
Anala shuffled, looking around the room “Did mister...McGheed tell you anything about this? I heard a rumor some large group was scavenging around here. I unfortunately have no information aside from this on precisely who would build such an elaborate fortress right here in the jungle.”
Shani thought deeply “Hmm. Actually, Mr. McGheed had heard similar rumors, and with a bit more information...we're very certain that that some European criminal operation, a very large one, has been establishing a compound here for the purpose of 'mining' artifacts, amulets and magical baubles, taking full advantage of the fact there's a pretty large surplus of ancient artifacts, which apparently they're intending to sell on the black market.”
Anala's thoughts on the matter were anything but good, especially since this outfit came out of Europe. “It is not based out of Spain I hope.”
“Actually yes, it is...aside from this, I'm afraid we don't know anything else about him...in all fairness, we didn't really think there was anyone here, anyone with these sort of resources at least...and what kind of an asshole just leaves fresh, perfectly good trees to rot in the middle of the fucking jungle?!”
“Unfortunately” Anala growled “I do.”
Just as Shani was about to ask what Anala was fucking talking about, the door began to open “Quick” Anala yowled “Duck down! Behind the shields!”
Shani tilted her head curiously, but as Anala swiftly ducked behind the cover, the lioness got suspicious, and calmly ducked behind the shield, just as the door finished opening.
And then the voice of that insufferable bastard broke through the air, accompanied by the noise of a lot of footsteps.
“Ahhhhh, and thus the ignorant savages, who are probably lesbians or some other kind of broad too stupid to know which way is the bedroom arri-...hey! Come on ladies...where are you hiding?! Olly-olly...whatever the hell that retarded biscuit-eater expression is. Hey! You fleabags find a litter-box or something?! Get out here!”
Shani had heard that voice before, but never personally, it sounded vaguely American in terms of accent, with a very faint hint of a Spanish one, as if the speaker had been working hard to get that accent totally free from his system and wasn't doing the best of jobs where that was concerned. But most noticeably was the least pleasant of traits, the fact that it was filled with an unusual smugness, a certain piercing, haughty, 'better than you are' sort of arrogant air that only someone with a Jupiter sized ego and an utter contempt for everyone else, coupled with the crudeness equaling that of a South Park character but with a cruel edge sharp as obsidian. Shani had heard of the stories surrounding this man, and realized that the clear waste of that lumber should have been a dead ringer for who the mystery villain was.
Anala and Shani both peaked behind the edge of the shield, and looked over at the open door. Standing there were about eight men, decked out in tan military outfits, with bulletproof vests on and steel helmets in a German style, the gals saw these outfits on three caucasian humns, two cats, a griffin and a gillman, each one were armed with assault rifles and revolvers, with the griffin hold a wide assault shield capable of ...but the last man here, standing right behind the shield, happened to be in a different outfit altogether.
The man had black hair, which he'd kept slick back, along with a thin but narrow mustache, his eyes were thin and beady, his complexion was tan and he wore a brown suit with expensive, matching shoes, along with a tan waistcoat and blue tie.
While the henchmen were more or less stoic and at attention, the man however had the most aggravatingly smug and malicious smirk plastered on his face.
Anala and Shani knew exactly who this man was “Joshua Sanchez!”
At their dual exclamation, Joshua Sanchez's smirk grew wider “Well, well well...who knew rugs could talk. Hello Anala...you know, I bet you take it in the ass with a name like that. Come on now you jungle slut, bring your throw-rug ass out here so I can insult your knuckle dragging ass further. And no slings and arrows now you filthy savage, my boys here'll swiss cheese you better than those filthy froggies and their overpriced junk food!”
Anala begrudgingly peaked her head around the corner and studied him carefully, then stepped on out “You racist mother fucker” she growled “Oh yes, it is most obvious now. You set this all up.”
“Well when you're selling goods on the negro-market, you're gonna want to diversify your portfolio. You'd fucking know that if you had a fully functioning head, savage. So when it turns out some dirt-digger in Africa, some broad who was probably fucking the natives, finds evidence that there's a whole fucking trove of valuable trash from some past civilization of savages...how a bunch of blacks could make all this bibbity-bobbity bullshit I have no fucking clue, but hell, the Americans somehow made nuclear bombs, so maybe this is like air turning into gold or something.
“Either way, I knew Indiana Jones rip-offs like you'd be showing up soon enough, so I figured why not frack the place? I had to send in a goddamn locust hoard of builders but you know, when you have a good chance to make some quick cash by ripping off a bunch of pants-shitting academics and the local savages, why not rally the troops and shoot any bastard we find?!”
Now while Sanchez had been going off on a long-ass, racist gloat, during which Anala wished she had a tape recorder, Shani had been boiling within and stepped out into vision “HEY! Watch who you're calling a savage asshole!”
Sanchez took one look at Shani and his malicious grin spread wider “WHOA! Jesus Christ! I knew you women had to be sluts but DAMN! That's gotta be the sluttiest limey on Earth! I mean she's making this way too easy. HA!”
Shani's blood was finally boiling up...not literally because that would be gross, but her fury at the man Sanchez was making her very keen on slicing that throat of his out...and believe me, he wasn't helping his case at all.
“Awwwww” he mockingly hissed “Look it the little cub, she just wants to rip my heart out doesn't she? Doesn't Simba's slutty sister want to rip me in half? Awwww come on bitch, come and try.”
Anala scowled on up at Sanchez “Sanchez, you really ought to visit Hetelville one of these days. My boyfriend and his colleagues say they could really use a nice whipping post.”
Sanchez snorted “HA! What?! The Americans whip me?! Oh please, those freaks might as well line up to suck my billion-dollar penis! If none of those cunts were up to my superior standards.
“God you people are pathetic, so poor...and you two are bitches on top of that!”
'Please shut up already' the griffin scowled inwardly, this guy wasn't being paid nearly enough to listen to this asshole.
“Well mister Sanchez, I must hand it to you” Anala cautiously began “You've made an impressive operation here...there is however, one minuscule flaw in this.”
“Which is?” The billionaire sociopath asked.
“The simple fact that for all of your money, all of your cunning schemes, the operation you personally wish to oversee...is this.”
“So?!” He was getting suspicious.
“Oh nothing, nothing...save for the fact that you've openly said you'd never set foot on this continent unless you had nothing more or less than a big pit full of gold as a toilet at the least.”
Sanchez shifted nervously, he attempted to keep up his old mood but...“Yeah...well how the fuck would you know that?! That's just some bullshit your boyfriend made up!”
“If Alistair had made it up, than why did you say exactly that, right at me, when I stopped you from stealing Ayers Rock?”
The wealthy dipshit's grin fell “...I was never at Ayers Rock.”
“Even though you barely slipped through my fingers purely because you went to the bathroom on that rock to 'piss off the natives'. As much as I would like to forget that, I haven't. Which begs the question, what exactly interests you enough that YOU would come here personally?”
Sanchez gulped, but foolishly attempted to regain his composure...his job at that however resulted in him just blowing her off “Up yours rug!”
Anala slowly clapped, with the most sarcastic look imaginable on her face “Oh yes, most original. How witty and clever.”
“SHUT IT!” The infuriated Spaniard howled out, making the extremely dumb move of stepping out from behind the shield “MEN! KILL THESE CUNTS!” A sadistic grin grew on his face “Kill and rape! I give zero shits about the order! But do the lion first! Oh yeah, yeah...I mean she came here all naked and shit, she's clearly looking to get railed and shit. So enjoy the rods you little bitches!” Sanchez turned around to walk out “I'm gonna eat a lot of bran, and I'll need a toilet after they're done! HAH!”
But as Sanchez turned around, Shani had had enough, she'd listened to this for as long as she could but now she had what she was waiting for...her target. Because as the men started to advance, Shani moved faster than a bullet shooting out of a gun, pulled out her other knife, and hurled it right through the air, the angle it used would have bounced off the ground to meet its mark...which was kind of thrown off by grazing one of the goons. But not by much...
“AAAAAUUUGGGH!” Screeched Joshua Sanchez “MY ASSSSSSSSSSS!”
His left hand reached down, protectively clutching his left ass cheek, which currently had a knife stuck in it and was leaking out bodily fluids, whimpering and pained moaning poured out of his mouth “A-are you fucking serious?!”
He gripped the handle, and pulled it out, wincing as it fell to the floor and clattered “Money you fickle bitch! Where the fuck were you?!”
The only god he ever actually worshiped wouldn't help him now. And as Anala notched her bow, ready for the fight ahead, and Shani held her other knife steady, Sanchez finally just limped out of the room “JUST KILL THEM!”
The door slammed shut, leaving Shani and Anala at the mercy of seven armed maniacs with guns.
They should have been paid more.
The hospital bills for the survivors was gonna be costly.
Anala fired off an arrow into the throat of one of the human goons, while she and Shani ducked back behind the shields to dodge the lead being sent their way
The men surged forward, though they kept about ten feet from that row of shields at the end. But as they attempted to make their way over to the ladies, they didn't notice Shani leaping about two rows over and sneaking over behind them.
Anala crouched down behind her chunk of cover, perched on all fours as she prepared another arrow, as the griffin suddenly turned the corner and fired, she shot off an arrow at his foot and then lunged forward.
As the griffin shrieked out and writhed in pain, Anala swiftly yanked the riot shield out of his talons and knocked him right out, promptly dodging bullets before ducking behind another set of shields.
The gillman was at the back, and he saw a flash of motion at the corner of his eye, the last thing he saw as Shani quickly slashed his throat. One of the cats suddenly turned to face her, only to receive a blow to the face that knocked him and most his teeth out.
The other cat took note, but in his attempt to shoot Shani, she nimbly took cover behind another row of shields, drawing on the attention of the other two humans as well...all too late because of Anala's quick reflexes with the bow, firing out shafts into all four of their arms.
When the cat attempted to turn and face Shani the lioness she lunged on out and punched him unconscious in a single blow.
As the humans attempted to flee the felines, they nearly made it to the door before Anala got to them, the sheer force of her pounce sending them off to dreamland.
Shani panted, not particularly much, but she wished she'd brought some guns with her. Though admittedly the fact that she'd just beat up about three ass hats with assault rifles using just a knife was pretty cool.
Anala stood up and stretched “Ahhh...very nice, quite sleek” then crouching down and starting to leaf through the outfit of one of the humans “Damn it. This one is empty.”
The tigress moved on over to the other surviving human, this time smirking a little “Ah. Perfect” she pulled out a keycard “And now that should be our ticket out of here.”
Shani looked up at the door “Seven down...he's probably got ten times that many on the other end.”
“Possibly...it won't help him, not one bit...oh, excellent move with that knife throw.”
Shani chuckled “Thanks sugar.”
Anala extended her fist, Shani bumped it.
SISFIST!
~
Today, as yet another of his many diabolical plans failed, Joshua was about to experience once again what it felt like to be the stock market in 2007.
Though unlike some of the rich people during the financial crisis of 1929, while someone was being derived of breath it wasn't a suicide attempt so much as it was Sanchez strangling some crow. Why? Because he was the messenger.
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THEY HAVEN'T BEEN KILLED AND RAPED YET?!!!!”
“Acck...agggaahaag” gurgled the crow.
“WHAT?! ARE YOU HELPING THEM OR SOMETHING?! MOTHERFUCKER!”
“Umm, sir?” A burly jackal piped in “I think you're choking him.”
“CHOKING IS FOR YOUR FUCKING FOOD KING NUT! THIS IS STRAAAAAAANGLINGGGG!!!”
“Well, uh, is it possible that he can't talk because you're strangling him?”
“Shut up! Of course he can't talk, I'm strangling him!” he let go of the crow “Now! What the fuck is going on down there?!”
“They...they're beating our asses.”
“And they probably sodomized you didn't you? Ya big queer!” Sanchez roared.
“I...I'm married sir.” The crow objected.
“Hey, not my fault she's your beard you fruit!”
The jackal crossed his arms “Mister Sanchez! Please, those two are ripping this place in half.”
“Ripping us?! How the fuck are they doing that?! THEY'RE JUST BITCHES!”
Then suddenly his massive rage abruptly vanished “Wait a minute...nah, they aren't ordinary bitches” he was finally thinking “I mean for fuck's sake, that stripy bitch cleaned me out before, and she didn't need help then either.”
Sanchez thought a bit “Motherfucker...alright you bastards, you wanna make me think lobotomizing your poor-person asses won't make a good time?! Listen closely.
“Most of this bric-a-brac we can fucking leave, but there's one thing you idiots better get before this ground anus sinks into mother nature's prostate...”
“Women don't have prostates” the jackal interrupted.
“SILENCE TOAD! NOW GET ME MY FUCKING BRIEFCASE!”
~
The tunnels of the underground base essentially turned into the setting of a a long hallway action seen from a Netflix series...but with nudity.
Admittedly Anala and Shani were wrong about just how many people Sanchez had laying down here in the tunnel, just ten armed guards who really didn't do the best of jobs in holding the two back.
Shani knelt down by the door controls to the surface “Bugger! Why did that douche have to grow a brain now?”
Anala was in the middle of smashing a nine foot tall hawk in full riot gear through a door “Don't be fooled by the fact he sounds like a caricature. Unfortunately Joshua Sanchez is smarter than he acts half the time, there is a reason this man has never been even spent a minute in a jailcell.”
Anala walked on over to Shani “Hmm, nice work...you're rewiring that door pretty fast, quicker than I would have done it.”
“Hot wiring is a go to skill for any hunter of relics...their families too. I had a lot of fun teaching this to my cubs.”
Anala lit up “You're a mother too?”
“Oh yes...I'll have to tell you about them later. Now...ah.”
The door opened up, the moonlight shining down onto them.
Anala and Shani moved into the interior of the fort...which quite frankly wasn't particularly well stocked, sporting a barricade, storehouse, a fence around the top of some ancient temple belonging to the old civilization Sanchez was looting...and a disturbingly well furnished trailer about forty feet away from the two felines.
As well as the suspiciously large and featureless black painted metal cube right next to the trailer, however, Sanchez and about ten guys (two Sasquatches, three doberman pinschers, a hippo, a couple of humans in Mardi-gras masks, and two foxes) who were in the middle of hauling priceless artifacts to the trailer. Sanchez himself had a decently sized briefcase in his left hand.
“Hurry up slaves! Lord Sanchez, the actual neo-Egyptian demands your wor...” he turned and his skin grew beet red with rage at the sight of the huntresses “...ship.”
Anala notched her bow, Shani gripped her knife and smirked “Hey Sanchez, having trouble sitting?”
“No thanks to you, you ugly whore!” He snarled “You think you got me here?! You motherfucker! I kept this bastard around in case of stripy's boyfriend...” he snapped his fingers and smirked “But you know what? This oughta work on you just fine.”
The cube suddenly started shifting, morphing and transforming out of a cube, growing into a twenty foot tall, humanoid death machine with oversized fists and a blocky build, it had one large red eye and had heavy plating on his front...on the back however, it was much weaker and made mostly of plastic coverings.
“Rubox the Magnificent is awake!” It roared.
“HA HA!” Sanchez pelvic thrusted “Sic 'em you goddamn toaster!”
Anala and Shani paled slightly “Oh dear” Anala muttered “I should have brought grenades.”
Shani shook her head slightly “I wish I'd stretched more.”
“RUBOX DOESN'T CARE!!!”
The giant robot charged over at them, stomping over like Godzilla in a bullfight.
Sanchez turned to his men “Take off now! Get the fuck outta here!” He turned back to the robot “I wanna stay and jerk off!”
Rubox charged on, and attempted to swing his fists down at the ladies, who quickly jumped clean out of the way.
Anala pulled out her bow and took a close look at the killer “Hmm, Rubox, I'm afraid magnificent does not belong in your volcabulary.”
The massive machine lifted up his foot and attempted to stomp on her.
“Quite frankly” Anala said “Who puts their vital mechanics on their back? Without covering much covering?”
“BECAUSE RUBOX'S DICK IS BIG- AAGGGGH!”
Shani had swiftly leapt onto Rubox's knees and cracked off a panel on the back...and then sliced off a bunch of cables on the back. Oil leaked on out.
“RUBOX WILL NEVER BE IN ROBO OLYMPICS NOW!”
Shani swiftly leapt up right onto the swinging fist of the murderous machine, and started running up the arm.
Anala started shooting arrows into the machine's eye.
“RUBOX'S EYE IS FULL OF SPLINTERS!”
The massive killing machine attempted to smash down where Anala stood...and then noticed Shani on his shoulder, peeling off another panel.
“Rubox insists you please reconsider.”
Shani grinned “Shani insists you shut the fuck up.”
“Rubox loves to talk.”
Shani looked down “Than eat dirt!”
Anala had exploited the chatterbox and, slipping behind him she showed up how watching all that WWE paid off, by doing a wrestling dropkick...on the back of Rubox's other knee.
“RUBOX IS GOING DOWN!” The frightened mechanical merc yelped. Shani jumped off and rolled down his back as he fell down...and smashed his head on the wall.
“Rubox is gonna take five.” And he was knocked...out?
Okay, how the fuck do you knock out an android through blunt trauma? Seriously?
...Then again androids can get organic sentients preggo in this 'verse so this is probably fair game here.
Either way, all safe and sound, Anala and Shani stood by the feet of the machine...and glared back at where Sanchez was standing.
Sanchez's skin had grown even more red “FUCK MY RICH ASS!”
Anala notched another arrow “Mister Sanchez, I'd be honored to make the other side match, even if I have to shoot out from the other side.”
“FUCK YOU RUG!” Sanchez kicked at the grass...and opened up a hatch in the process “Go back and live in America with your dipshit friends! I'm going back to Spain!”
Anala's bowstring released but Sanchez dove down the hole, narrowly dodging the arrow.
Shani bolted off like a lightning bolt “Oh no you aren't!” She growled.
A thunderous roar split the air as an oval shaped pod smashed through the ground, with the sound of twisted metallic noises grinding on the way. It bore through the ground, as retrorockets blasted the escape pod up through the air.
“YES I AM BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!” Sanchez's voice rang out as his escape pod shot out into the air, like a supersonic jet.
Shani gripped her knife tightly “Goddamn it!...Who the hell puts an escape pod in the ground? That has to be one weird fucking time capsule.”
Anala stepped up and patted her on the shoulder “I know...listen, you are not the sole person to try and fail at catching this miserable bastard.”
“Well how do you think I heard about him? Mr. McGheed has cursed up storms about this insufferable prick.”
“Aye...me and my boyfriend have too...especially him.”
Anala looked around and her eyes narrowed “The trailer is long gone now...shit...you have a radio?”
“Yes actually” Shani reached into her backpack “What's our game here?”
“Let's just say the current regime isn't particularly fond of underworld looters, most especially those who're fond of using ludicrously crude and unneeded term as opposed to 'the black market.'”
~
Thanks to the call Anala and Shani had placed into the authorities, plus them grabbing a spare jeep to go pursue the villains and their fancy trailer, the duo had managed to capture Sanchez's other men and recover the artifacts they were bolting with.
Unfortunately, shortly before they left, a suspicious power surge fried any computers on-site, and not a single man was willing to testify to Sanchez's involvement, no matter who was asking.
So once again, Joshua Sanchez had escaped punishment...aside from having a knife thrown in his ass. Though he did make off with whatever was held in that briefcase.
Shani and Anala were due to leave the country and head on to their respective homes. But for now, they were just visiting at a nearby restaurant.
“...So clothes usually itch horribly for you?”
Shani nodded “It is one of the biggest reasons why, aside from when I'm around my kids, I tend to go about in the nude.”
Anala thought deeply “I can imagine why, poor thing about that...personally I try not to go with buying store brand clothing. I prefer making my own clothes, usually out of animals I have personally hunted, ferals mind you.”
“Nice!” Shani grinned “Clever girl.”
“Thank you...I could show you how sometime. You did say that you go to Hetelville semi-frequently for business.”
“Hmm, okay...that sounds like it might be fun. Although” She purred “I wouldn't mind helping you learn how to give nudism a try.”
“Huh, that I am afraid is not quite my bag...I'd be delighted to give it a try though.”
“Alright!” Shani grinned with pride.
“And hopefully” she added “We can spear that douche the next time either of us meet him.”
“Hear hear” Anala raised up the glass containing her delicious beverage “To vendettas.”
“To vendettas” Shani agreed as she clinked her glass.
~
Meanwhile in the Spain based manor he called home, Joshua Sanchez's left buttock was feeling better thanks to healing balm, but Sanchez's ego was still in pain and he was cussing about it alright, to his trusty bodyguard and man Friday Andre Le Pein, the French chimpanzee currently wearing a gray bodysuit.
Sanchez however was laying on a massage table, on his stomach, with a bandaged ass.
“Oh yes, some bodyguard you are” the rich bastard hissed “Where were you when my ass was on the line?!”
“Mister Sanchez, was your heart transplanted to your butt?”
“OF COURSE NOT!”
“Were you in any serious danger of being caught?”
“YES!...Well, not particularly.”
“Then what is the problem sir?”
“THAT BITCH THREW A KNIFE IN MY ASS!”
“Which is preferable considering what some of your foes have done to you before. You may recall a certain incident with Julia Freud backing up a sewer into your bathroom stall...”
Sanchez would never forget that “Well...okay...BUT FUCK HER! That bitch stabbed me!”
“Perhaps, but if you also recall, I already had business elsewhere...you know, involving that one person who had evidence that could actually get you imprisoned?”
“...Fair enough.”
“Exactly...now, the men have stayed perfectly quiet in Africa...and since you are not even more furious, I assume you have what interested you the most?”
Sanchez smirked evilly “Oh yes...”
The billionaire bastard reached down into the briefcase resting by his table, and removed a journal “Honestly, how the fuck did we find this place first?”
“Indeed mister Sanchez...it is very fortunate Professor Moriarty and his friend didn't have access to good mining equipment.”
“It's even better that limey egghead kept journals in the first place...pretty good with codes.
“Take this to that one-eyed bear, tell him to get to work. The sooner we learn where Moriarty hid that shit, the sooner I'll be able to use America's Oval Office for a bathroom.”
“How apt mister Sanchez.”
“Hell yeah!...Hey, have you ever been shot in the ass?”
“No sir...also, might I suggest you possibly consider ceasing your practice of 'being a dick' to the people trying to stop you?”
“What? You think I'm gay or something?”
“Hmm...then you may want to put metal plates in your shorts.”
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Tiger
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 37.9 kB
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