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Story / Transformation
Species Hyena
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Not too long ago, a vixentaur barely escaped death by quarry quicksand. Not a fun way to go... too bad she brought a passenger with her, one that's attracted a Hyena into her private garden. Worse yet, her staff forgot to modify one of the curses that protect her garden from those who would cut it down to harvest the wonderful trees within.
And of course, one poor hyena, looking to make sure she's alright, finds himself turning rather stiff, and green, as he activates one of the old curses. Power beyond imagination, as now, watch as the two bond together, in his hardship, keeping him sane until help comes with the next morning... wait, not bond literally, DARNIT ANDREA! Stop getting stuck in things!
RP between myself and Concrocotta.
Yes, this was posted up literally almost as soon as it was finished, too.
And of course, one poor hyena, looking to make sure she's alright, finds himself turning rather stiff, and green, as he activates one of the old curses. Power beyond imagination, as now, watch as the two bond together, in his hardship, keeping him sane until help comes with the next morning... wait, not bond literally, DARNIT ANDREA! Stop getting stuck in things!
RP between myself and Concrocotta.
Yes, this was posted up literally almost as soon as it was finished, too.
Category Story / Transformation
Species Hyena
Size 115 x 120px
File Size 32.5 kB
I'd advise a few things. These suggestions are entirely personal, so take them for what you will. It's just advice, but I'll stress that this is advice to make your works as appealing to others as possible.
1) Check your capitalization and formatting. This reads almost like an unusual mix between an rp, a script, and an essay. Because it's so mixed in facets between the different writing styles it is very hard for it to hold the attention of a reader. If a new paragraph begins then it needs capitalization and a space between it and the prior paragraph. Additionally if a character speaks, and another character responds (or if the POV changes) then a new paragraph is begun, and the speech should be bracketed with quotation marks. Not doing this makes it very difficult to keep events in order and avoid confusion.
2) Additionally, in those paragraphs check your formatting. There are A LOT of run-on sentences here, mostly caused by excessive comma usage (and yes, I know commas are a pain. I hate them and overuse them myself, and usually have someone else point them out to me).
3) I know some of the speech involved was meant to be broken and strained due to what was happening. I'd still stress that clarification should be made in what's said and what's described.
You've got a really interesting concept going. Plant-TF isn't used too often and it's a concept I like. I hope you continue to run with the trend.
1) Check your capitalization and formatting. This reads almost like an unusual mix between an rp, a script, and an essay. Because it's so mixed in facets between the different writing styles it is very hard for it to hold the attention of a reader. If a new paragraph begins then it needs capitalization and a space between it and the prior paragraph. Additionally if a character speaks, and another character responds (or if the POV changes) then a new paragraph is begun, and the speech should be bracketed with quotation marks. Not doing this makes it very difficult to keep events in order and avoid confusion.
2) Additionally, in those paragraphs check your formatting. There are A LOT of run-on sentences here, mostly caused by excessive comma usage (and yes, I know commas are a pain. I hate them and overuse them myself, and usually have someone else point them out to me).
3) I know some of the speech involved was meant to be broken and strained due to what was happening. I'd still stress that clarification should be made in what's said and what's described.
You've got a really interesting concept going. Plant-TF isn't used too often and it's a concept I like. I hope you continue to run with the trend.
I am planning on getting back with him and doing more, but I'm not planning on editing this too much. I'm trying to help him a lot with these RP's and get him up a few notches, and if they happen to be a pretty awesome RP, so much the better. This one was fairly epic, to be honest. Dunno how we're gonna go, but it should be fairly murrlsome from here.
Plus some of it might have to do with the fact it's been up less than 5 hours and that I'm a fairly unknown artist, too.
Plus some of it might have to do with the fact it's been up less than 5 hours and that I'm a fairly unknown artist, too.
Tense changes a bit inconsistently from present to a hypothetical future tense... Using present tense is a little awkward to begin with, in a story, since you're telling something that's already happened. You might consider changing all of it to past tense.
Also, you change from third person to first person perspective a lot between paragraphs, using "you" instead of the character's names, so it's hard to keep up with whose perspective we're seeing things through every time a new paragraph starts. This would be fine in a roleplaying session, where you're trying to incorporate what's happening to two individual players, but even still, you seem to seesaw between story and roleplay.
Other than those unusual inconsistencies, beautiful work... it's a very sweet, yet strange story.
-Kimono B
Also, you change from third person to first person perspective a lot between paragraphs, using "you" instead of the character's names, so it's hard to keep up with whose perspective we're seeing things through every time a new paragraph starts. This would be fine in a roleplaying session, where you're trying to incorporate what's happening to two individual players, but even still, you seem to seesaw between story and roleplay.
Other than those unusual inconsistencies, beautiful work... it's a very sweet, yet strange story.
-Kimono B
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