-one of those deep, slow sighs-

Meh. Mugh. Meugheugh. meh.
I'm still working through things lately. I have a couple weeks of group therapy left and I'm not really sure what I'll do when it's over. Or even if I'll truly be ready to leave at that point. But I also know that line of thinking is pretty consistent with my OCD symptoms, continually worrying and mulling over the future and all that. And just continually thinking about whether or not I'm just baggage for people that care about me to have to carry, if I'm a loser for not working a job right now and feeling like I couldn't bring myself to go back into retail, or like if I'm somehow developing esophageal cancer or if a plane could hit me tomorrow or what would happen if somebody broke into my apartment, or just falling into a panic because I moved a piece of furniture in my apartment and now I have to move everything else so everythING IS JUST RIGHT this is what this stupid little fucking OCD gremlin in my head does to me.
It feels like I'm trying to find the right file in my head for something I need but someone just tipped over the whole file cabinet. And now I'm just on the floor trying to navigate to the thought I want or whatever will bring me back down in a moment of panic or just fuck me I hate being wired this way.

however.
I can't devalue the progress I've made. Which is a fuck ton in all honesty. When specialists and psychiatrists have been diagnosing you wrong for 20+ years, it may take a little fuckin' while to get better. And that's all I really have to focus on right now. And that's okay. I'm still managing this much better than I ever have before and that's goddamn worth being proud of. I'm slowly getting to that point where I'm okay with who I am and my limitations. And even being okay with medication for it, which I had a major distrust of after some bad experiences. (and even then, it's only about 25mg of Anafranil, which is like. just a baby-dose to take the edge off of things.)

but still. Doesn't quite stop those times where I just kinda sit in silence and look up at the ceiling and just upset myself by putting myself down for not being what I feel like I'm supposed to be, or catastrophizing imaginary scenarios that'll probably never happen. I have a running joke with myself where I think about going to a medicinal marijuana dispensary and just tell them "Hey, hi, I get legitimately upset over my potential thousands of deaths in the multi-verse, just gimmie whatever give me."

Anyways.
On a positive note, I do want to toss a Thank You out there for my watchers. I'm glad y'all like my work, and it really encourages me to try and improve and get better. I've been asked about commissions a few times, and while I don't totally think I'm ready for that? I'm keeping it in mind for when my therapy is done. I'll let y'all know if I decide to open up.

To anyone else goin' through shit, good luck to you.
today fucking sucks
tomorrow might not
ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT, BE THEEEEEEERRRRREEEEEE