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Waiting for the end but not activly looking for it
°takes a deep breath° Well... where to even start... seriously... this will take a while...
First things first, I'm not feeling good... if the theme of the picture was not speaking for itself enough...
Things are going... increasingly... exceptionally... bad. And that is still an understatement, and I get so incredibly unbelievably frustrated, seriously I could tear something apart, if I had something that I could savely tear apart without me feeling bad for destroying it or... well you know.
I tried to handle things and not involve the people that watch me too much... like I used to... 5 to 7 years ago, every time I felt moody I wrote a journal or something and I tried to stop that. But... I think... there is a point, where you can't bottle up things inside you anymore...
Let me explain: I hate talking honestly about how I feel, because it's usually pretty shitty due to stress at school or job, people treating me badly and having nearly every slim ray of hope at the horizon crushed before I could even see what it was. I don't want this to effect others, I don't want to drag other people down with me in that pit I'm having propably a residence in (all humor here is a coping mechanism of sorts, I guess, I'm not sure, it's cynical or sarcastic or some shit) so I.... yeah I lie about how I feel... or rather I don't tell it in the first place, because I don't want to drag down the mood or ruin peoples days, I don't want to do that... it also adds up that I don't really trust with my emotions since... past issues, thanks middle school for turning me into a depressed little shit.
So yeah I don't want to bother people and I try to focus as good as possible, keeping all those fucking spontanous emotions inside because I know how toxic they are and I KNOW how horrible I would feel for letting them out on someone I care about. The cycle of hate has to end somewhere at least. But at the same time I kinda have an open ear for many of my friends... and there comes the second problem. Me and friends... I tell everyone I write with nowadays, that a) I'm not a good friend b) I'm inconsistent with replys, answers, staying in touch or activly doing something with anyone, that includes my best friends, all of them but c) I still love and care about you immensly.
And here comes the third problem... I used to be treated like dirt by others, and I always said to myself, that I wouldn't want to treat anyone like that, ever. I want to be a good person, open minded, open hearted, help people... but at the end of the day... I'm just another person like you or someone else. I have my limits... and that got me in trouble so often... I lost friends because I activly didn't stay in touch, I think constantly about it, at nights in bed, all the bad things that happened, they keep cycling in my mind, again and again and keep just going and my fears as well...
Recently... I got in trouble with around four of my friends for various reasons... lacking attention, lacking activities, lacking care... now... I can take one... at a time... I could figure thigns out maybe, considering that I'm a lethargic prick who sees that hurting others by this is like smashing a vase... no matter what you try, the vase is broken... so basically, I go in passive mode and do nothing because I already ruined it and I would only ruin it further (trust me, life has proven to me on NUMEROUS occassions, that when I try to make something better, I always end up making it worse AND if I think for myself I do exactly the only thing that could be wrong in this situation... doesn't help my self-esteem much, if that ever existed, which I doubt.
So I ruin it with my friends and I can't do anything about it, at least it feels like it, I just feel like I'm so utterly unbelievably annoying, with everything I do, fuck I even feel bad for typing while talking to someone because the sound of the key pushing is annoying... and I just find no way of making things better, I am currently in the wake of destroying somebodies last bits of faith in humanity with my behavior and seriously... I really became this person that I currently am.. ughs... I just hope someone drives me over and my pain is done for... seriously...
Not to mention all the other things, my father was diagnosed with a rare form of cancerous tumor a few weeks back and he had to undergo surgery. I felt so pressured by this and anxious, especially since my grandpa passed away just in December last year and it was hard for all my family... my job is stressing me, I failed a midterm exam which basically doesn't mean something but my boss made a fuss over it and now I feel horrible for even that, not to mention the constant fear of working too slow since that was their main complain with me, I make so many mistakes at work, and it eats so much of my time, I want to save up money but I can't save up even for one god damn month... and school as well... fucking exams, I'm more or less pressured to give best marks since the thing is technically easy, if we wouldn't get a teacher change every fucking half year because the school doesn't care about us because we are the last year of warehouse apprentices going to said school... and I just keep getting worse and there is even the fucking theoretical mid term exams next week...
not to mention that my creativity, the literal only thing I see good in myself is getting blocked by this, by the lack of time and I feel horrible with myself because I feel... neglected by god knows what and I feel aggressivly jealous... for people getting attention, or getting art that they want in general, fuck art is one of the only happy makers I have in this life, and I feel horrible for commissioning cheap while even paying those I commission extra because I think it's worth it but it's still underpriced and there is no way in hell I feel not horrible... Heck I feel fucking jealous at my girlfriend for having such an amazing coloration skill that she can even do commissions or put a shadow in a proper place while I just fuck around, have no clue about nothing and can't get even anatomy or emotion right... I'm just such a fucked up mess in all ways possible... and I often ask myself what the fuck is even wrong with me...
If I could I would lock myself into a room with internet connection and a PC alone and just create to my hearts content and play the games that I always wanted to play and heck my backlog of games is enormous and so is my FA backlog, back on 2,7k pictures and every single one is weightening on my soul like a boulder and I just can't find time for nothing...
I got a little off track maybe... well if I was on a track to begin with, I just write more or less what I think...
And... going back to friends again... what hurts me the most... is when I get told that I don't seem to care... it hurts me so bad... I want to break contact with that person because if they get that feeling... I'm not deserving their attention or contact in the first place... because... I MEAN LOOK AT IT... what could be worse than a person who you call friend but it always seems like they don't care!? I don't deserve their friendship or time...
Another note... there was one time... over a year ago... when I also felt extremely depressed to the point I started drinking for the first time in my life... and if it wouldn't be Thursday 1.14 am I would go down this instant, grab a bottle of the strongest stuff we have and drink my pain away... I'm a serious anti-alcoholic so saying that really is... drastic for me but I run out of other options... and maybe a short time of painless joy wouldn't hurt too much...
To summerize, I think and will propably always think of myself as an ugly useless being that always manages to do the wrong thing, no matter what I do...
The last thing... that kinda bothers me is... I don't feel like I should be allowed to vent like this or to feel depressed like this. I mean I have a roof over my head, I at least get some money, I have hobbies and interests... I have an education, I don't have to hunger and I have enough water to not feel thirsty... and I hear so often that it's exactly my kind of person that's whining the most when they have the least problems, so I'm always anxious to even share my problems or even say that I'm depressed, because there are people with diagnosed depression or tougher lifes and complaining around them... you can't just do that without making yourself look like a complete asshat... or people who literally are just happy if they get trhough the day alive because of war or what not.... so what right do I have to complain? That's also a reason I kinda hate doing this... but where else to go when the things you complain about are about the people that you usually go to talk to... that's my problem... and I built that up for like... I dunno... long... propably...
On a side note, all these tumblr posts about "valuing yourself" and "you deserve good things" I dunno... it angers me... because really... I don't... I mean look at me right now... I vent here in my gallery... with a scribble of like 20 minutes that I took from a base because I suck too much at anatomy to do something myself...
( https://221bases.deviantart.com/art.....e-31-506446749 this is the base btw...)
And i can be glad if one... or two people even got this far with reading my fucking venting and ranting about all these little so called problems that I have...
So yeah... I think... I said everything... I vented hard... and bored one or two people half to death with this most likely...
And I'm really sorry you had to endure this... if you so chose, but... I just... had to let it all out, I just... can't handle it anymore...
It's 1.30 am now, I have to get up at around 8 am... not too bad but well... not the most sleep...
And just to say, even if it hurts those that care about me... If I would be gone... I doubt I would be missed for too long... one year... maybe two... life has to go on... and so will you...
Anyway I wish you a good night
Art & Incendramon © by
INCtastic
First things first, I'm not feeling good... if the theme of the picture was not speaking for itself enough...
Things are going... increasingly... exceptionally... bad. And that is still an understatement, and I get so incredibly unbelievably frustrated, seriously I could tear something apart, if I had something that I could savely tear apart without me feeling bad for destroying it or... well you know.
I tried to handle things and not involve the people that watch me too much... like I used to... 5 to 7 years ago, every time I felt moody I wrote a journal or something and I tried to stop that. But... I think... there is a point, where you can't bottle up things inside you anymore...
Let me explain: I hate talking honestly about how I feel, because it's usually pretty shitty due to stress at school or job, people treating me badly and having nearly every slim ray of hope at the horizon crushed before I could even see what it was. I don't want this to effect others, I don't want to drag other people down with me in that pit I'm having propably a residence in (all humor here is a coping mechanism of sorts, I guess, I'm not sure, it's cynical or sarcastic or some shit) so I.... yeah I lie about how I feel... or rather I don't tell it in the first place, because I don't want to drag down the mood or ruin peoples days, I don't want to do that... it also adds up that I don't really trust with my emotions since... past issues, thanks middle school for turning me into a depressed little shit.
So yeah I don't want to bother people and I try to focus as good as possible, keeping all those fucking spontanous emotions inside because I know how toxic they are and I KNOW how horrible I would feel for letting them out on someone I care about. The cycle of hate has to end somewhere at least. But at the same time I kinda have an open ear for many of my friends... and there comes the second problem. Me and friends... I tell everyone I write with nowadays, that a) I'm not a good friend b) I'm inconsistent with replys, answers, staying in touch or activly doing something with anyone, that includes my best friends, all of them but c) I still love and care about you immensly.
And here comes the third problem... I used to be treated like dirt by others, and I always said to myself, that I wouldn't want to treat anyone like that, ever. I want to be a good person, open minded, open hearted, help people... but at the end of the day... I'm just another person like you or someone else. I have my limits... and that got me in trouble so often... I lost friends because I activly didn't stay in touch, I think constantly about it, at nights in bed, all the bad things that happened, they keep cycling in my mind, again and again and keep just going and my fears as well...
Recently... I got in trouble with around four of my friends for various reasons... lacking attention, lacking activities, lacking care... now... I can take one... at a time... I could figure thigns out maybe, considering that I'm a lethargic prick who sees that hurting others by this is like smashing a vase... no matter what you try, the vase is broken... so basically, I go in passive mode and do nothing because I already ruined it and I would only ruin it further (trust me, life has proven to me on NUMEROUS occassions, that when I try to make something better, I always end up making it worse AND if I think for myself I do exactly the only thing that could be wrong in this situation... doesn't help my self-esteem much, if that ever existed, which I doubt.
So I ruin it with my friends and I can't do anything about it, at least it feels like it, I just feel like I'm so utterly unbelievably annoying, with everything I do, fuck I even feel bad for typing while talking to someone because the sound of the key pushing is annoying... and I just find no way of making things better, I am currently in the wake of destroying somebodies last bits of faith in humanity with my behavior and seriously... I really became this person that I currently am.. ughs... I just hope someone drives me over and my pain is done for... seriously...
Not to mention all the other things, my father was diagnosed with a rare form of cancerous tumor a few weeks back and he had to undergo surgery. I felt so pressured by this and anxious, especially since my grandpa passed away just in December last year and it was hard for all my family... my job is stressing me, I failed a midterm exam which basically doesn't mean something but my boss made a fuss over it and now I feel horrible for even that, not to mention the constant fear of working too slow since that was their main complain with me, I make so many mistakes at work, and it eats so much of my time, I want to save up money but I can't save up even for one god damn month... and school as well... fucking exams, I'm more or less pressured to give best marks since the thing is technically easy, if we wouldn't get a teacher change every fucking half year because the school doesn't care about us because we are the last year of warehouse apprentices going to said school... and I just keep getting worse and there is even the fucking theoretical mid term exams next week...
not to mention that my creativity, the literal only thing I see good in myself is getting blocked by this, by the lack of time and I feel horrible with myself because I feel... neglected by god knows what and I feel aggressivly jealous... for people getting attention, or getting art that they want in general, fuck art is one of the only happy makers I have in this life, and I feel horrible for commissioning cheap while even paying those I commission extra because I think it's worth it but it's still underpriced and there is no way in hell I feel not horrible... Heck I feel fucking jealous at my girlfriend for having such an amazing coloration skill that she can even do commissions or put a shadow in a proper place while I just fuck around, have no clue about nothing and can't get even anatomy or emotion right... I'm just such a fucked up mess in all ways possible... and I often ask myself what the fuck is even wrong with me...
If I could I would lock myself into a room with internet connection and a PC alone and just create to my hearts content and play the games that I always wanted to play and heck my backlog of games is enormous and so is my FA backlog, back on 2,7k pictures and every single one is weightening on my soul like a boulder and I just can't find time for nothing...
I got a little off track maybe... well if I was on a track to begin with, I just write more or less what I think...
And... going back to friends again... what hurts me the most... is when I get told that I don't seem to care... it hurts me so bad... I want to break contact with that person because if they get that feeling... I'm not deserving their attention or contact in the first place... because... I MEAN LOOK AT IT... what could be worse than a person who you call friend but it always seems like they don't care!? I don't deserve their friendship or time...
Another note... there was one time... over a year ago... when I also felt extremely depressed to the point I started drinking for the first time in my life... and if it wouldn't be Thursday 1.14 am I would go down this instant, grab a bottle of the strongest stuff we have and drink my pain away... I'm a serious anti-alcoholic so saying that really is... drastic for me but I run out of other options... and maybe a short time of painless joy wouldn't hurt too much...
To summerize, I think and will propably always think of myself as an ugly useless being that always manages to do the wrong thing, no matter what I do...
The last thing... that kinda bothers me is... I don't feel like I should be allowed to vent like this or to feel depressed like this. I mean I have a roof over my head, I at least get some money, I have hobbies and interests... I have an education, I don't have to hunger and I have enough water to not feel thirsty... and I hear so often that it's exactly my kind of person that's whining the most when they have the least problems, so I'm always anxious to even share my problems or even say that I'm depressed, because there are people with diagnosed depression or tougher lifes and complaining around them... you can't just do that without making yourself look like a complete asshat... or people who literally are just happy if they get trhough the day alive because of war or what not.... so what right do I have to complain? That's also a reason I kinda hate doing this... but where else to go when the things you complain about are about the people that you usually go to talk to... that's my problem... and I built that up for like... I dunno... long... propably...
On a side note, all these tumblr posts about "valuing yourself" and "you deserve good things" I dunno... it angers me... because really... I don't... I mean look at me right now... I vent here in my gallery... with a scribble of like 20 minutes that I took from a base because I suck too much at anatomy to do something myself...
( https://221bases.deviantart.com/art.....e-31-506446749 this is the base btw...)
And i can be glad if one... or two people even got this far with reading my fucking venting and ranting about all these little so called problems that I have...
So yeah... I think... I said everything... I vented hard... and bored one or two people half to death with this most likely...
And I'm really sorry you had to endure this... if you so chose, but... I just... had to let it all out, I just... can't handle it anymore...
It's 1.30 am now, I have to get up at around 8 am... not too bad but well... not the most sleep...
And just to say, even if it hurts those that care about me... If I would be gone... I doubt I would be missed for too long... one year... maybe two... life has to go on... and so will you...
Anyway I wish you a good night
Art & Incendramon © by
INCtastic
Category Artwork (Digital) / Doodle
Species Digimon
Size 645 x 899px
File Size 127.2 kB
Listed in Folders
You shouldn't feel so bad, as you said, you have a decent life, and you are talented and a good person, or it's why I think after talking to you at least a few times. I know life can be tough but you shouldn't blame everything on yourself, it's just how life works, with ups and downs, but yeah, I can relate to a lot of what you said there and I know the feeling, my mother and I argued and we don't talk to each other right now, and as always all the blame is put on me, but I know I'm not guilty of everything they say, but still makes me think, in moments like this is when I wonder why this happens and if I'm a good person or not. About friends, same thing, a lot of people has stopped talking to me, even my friendship with my best friend seems to be fading away because he seems to have found cooler people to hang out with, play games and stuff, and I can't offer the same to him, but all I know is that I'm still trying to be there for him and everyone else if I can help.
Don't be so hard on you, not everything is your fault, you seem to be doing your best, but it's impossible to please everyone, it sucks, but it's how it is, keep it in mind, and work on your art, which is amazing you are creative and talented, and also with a huge potential, don't let things get you down... I feel jealous of my GF at times oto be honest, she is so fast and can do anything while I struggle with everything, like poses, shading, etc, gets me down too, and my work gets less and less attention but I gotta keep trying and I know you can do that and improve even more, just wait and see.
If you ever want to talk, note or anything, I'm usually around, is not bad to vent, is better when someone hears you out, I know that first hand, as I don't really have much people to talk about problems and my family is impossible to talk with (they are usually the main source of my problems) so, it's a no go.
I wish you luck, and I hope you feel better.
Don't be so hard on you, not everything is your fault, you seem to be doing your best, but it's impossible to please everyone, it sucks, but it's how it is, keep it in mind, and work on your art, which is amazing you are creative and talented, and also with a huge potential, don't let things get you down... I feel jealous of my GF at times oto be honest, she is so fast and can do anything while I struggle with everything, like poses, shading, etc, gets me down too, and my work gets less and less attention but I gotta keep trying and I know you can do that and improve even more, just wait and see.
If you ever want to talk, note or anything, I'm usually around, is not bad to vent, is better when someone hears you out, I know that first hand, as I don't really have much people to talk about problems and my family is impossible to talk with (they are usually the main source of my problems) so, it's a no go.
I wish you luck, and I hope you feel better.
The thing is, it doesn't really matter how good ones life is, because there will always be problems for a person, they just change in significance to others so I think problems should be taken seriously still.
I don't really like the term talented, I prefer skilled, since it's more something that you learn and practice instead of just having it.
But thanks for thr kind words, really <3
If I get the chance to beat up life I swear I would - giving us all that shit
I'm sorry to hear that and I hope things will improve on your part
Blame is difficult, especially because it often comes irrationally, so you can't really tell it to just "go away"
I think in situations like this, the only thing one can do is try their best without inflicting self-harm to ones mind
I don't really like the term talented, I prefer skilled, since it's more something that you learn and practice instead of just having it.
But thanks for thr kind words, really <3
If I get the chance to beat up life I swear I would - giving us all that shit
I'm sorry to hear that and I hope things will improve on your part
Blame is difficult, especially because it often comes irrationally, so you can't really tell it to just "go away"
I think in situations like this, the only thing one can do is try their best without inflicting self-harm to ones mind
(part 2 because FA on phone is ass)
I sadly have a bad rep of being my toughest judge, in numerous times, but as you said, and as muxh as I want to deny it, you can't please everyone, so I guess one has to make choices (which I hate)
Again I'm greatful for the kind words, improvement is hard, especially when I see all those artists I adore getting better and I don't really have someone to help each other getting better at art - I also wish you the best for getting better, may you get the skills to help you with, and I hope you and your girlfriend do well and stay together a long ti.me, a healthy relationship is great!
I think it's a general things, I have heard of many artists saying they lose watchers, favs and comnents, even me.
Thanks for the offer, I will see what I do with it, I can't really talk with my family as well, they are not the source of mibe but they certainly can' t help because they are not into the matter.
Ah you know, already writing all this helped a shit ton, you can't believe it.
I sadly have a bad rep of being my toughest judge, in numerous times, but as you said, and as muxh as I want to deny it, you can't please everyone, so I guess one has to make choices (which I hate)
Again I'm greatful for the kind words, improvement is hard, especially when I see all those artists I adore getting better and I don't really have someone to help each other getting better at art - I also wish you the best for getting better, may you get the skills to help you with, and I hope you and your girlfriend do well and stay together a long ti.me, a healthy relationship is great!
I think it's a general things, I have heard of many artists saying they lose watchers, favs and comnents, even me.
Thanks for the offer, I will see what I do with it, I can't really talk with my family as well, they are not the source of mibe but they certainly can' t help because they are not into the matter.
Ah you know, already writing all this helped a shit ton, you can't believe it.
Ohh, it's good to know you already feel better, that you could write a comment that has helped you, I'm glad.
And well, don't be so tough on you, these times come but they'll eventually go away and everything will be better, or I hope so. And well, I believe you can be talented and skilled, you have awesome characters and I really hope to see more of your amazing work, if you like what you do you'll eventually improve even more, I also hope to get better and I do what I can, but yeah, I also don't have someone to help me. Anyway, just try to enjoy what you do, and try not to be so hard on you, not everything is your fault, even if it's hard to believe it.
And the offer will be there always, if needed.
And well, don't be so tough on you, these times come but they'll eventually go away and everything will be better, or I hope so. And well, I believe you can be talented and skilled, you have awesome characters and I really hope to see more of your amazing work, if you like what you do you'll eventually improve even more, I also hope to get better and I do what I can, but yeah, I also don't have someone to help me. Anyway, just try to enjoy what you do, and try not to be so hard on you, not everything is your fault, even if it's hard to believe it.
And the offer will be there always, if needed.
Honestly, you worry too much owo' i know exactly what you feeling but.. i just got another way. For start, friends are friend because of the reciprocal relationship, if you aren't in touch enough with your friends, why they even try to do it in first time?... i mean, is something about interest i think.. i mean, i had those types of problems with "friends" but i think.. if they don't even care to be in touch, why i should would?.. like i said, friendship is a reciprocal thing.. if they don't care you shouldn't either (i don't really know if they care or not because i don't know any of them but.. i speak from my experience..)
You don't born merged to anyone of them, didn't you?. That's the way i thing honestly about friendship, to be in touch is not always important, more that being there when they need you (or you need them.. because that's the meaning of friendship). Don't blame you at all because you at least are thinking of them... you are that kind of person that keep thinking on his friends, there's not much people like you.. and i hate that :( because i feeling in the same way as you, i feel abandoned by friends so many times..
For god.. you are a person, you have problems and you may not be able to be in touch with everyone every time :S they have to understand that. You and your life have to be the first thing in your mind. No matter if you have a roof over your head or whatever more, you are still a person and you have problems and feelings like anybody does, your problems aren't less than anybody. Don't blame yourself for that :(
Sorry about your grandfather, and i really hope your father will be fine very soon with a good medical treatment.
The last i have to say is, please take more care of yourself, don't be that cruel with yourself. You are a person like everybody and like everybody, you need to throw away everything you have inside of your chest.
I'm from spain and english isn't my motherlanguage, so reading this was quite hard nwn' but it worth it to know how you you are and how you're feeling. I really hope your situation will be better soon and be proud of yourself, there's no that much good people like you out there, that care about friends more that itself, even more if they don't do the same for you... (i'm guessing)
(The really last thing.. sorry if i made mistakes about gramma nwn' google translate doesn't help that much to see if i made a mistake -w-')
You don't born merged to anyone of them, didn't you?. That's the way i thing honestly about friendship, to be in touch is not always important, more that being there when they need you (or you need them.. because that's the meaning of friendship). Don't blame you at all because you at least are thinking of them... you are that kind of person that keep thinking on his friends, there's not much people like you.. and i hate that :( because i feeling in the same way as you, i feel abandoned by friends so many times..
For god.. you are a person, you have problems and you may not be able to be in touch with everyone every time :S they have to understand that. You and your life have to be the first thing in your mind. No matter if you have a roof over your head or whatever more, you are still a person and you have problems and feelings like anybody does, your problems aren't less than anybody. Don't blame yourself for that :(
Sorry about your grandfather, and i really hope your father will be fine very soon with a good medical treatment.
The last i have to say is, please take more care of yourself, don't be that cruel with yourself. You are a person like everybody and like everybody, you need to throw away everything you have inside of your chest.
I'm from spain and english isn't my motherlanguage, so reading this was quite hard nwn' but it worth it to know how you you are and how you're feeling. I really hope your situation will be better soon and be proud of yourself, there's no that much good people like you out there, that care about friends more that itself, even more if they don't do the same for you... (i'm guessing)
(The really last thing.. sorry if i made mistakes about gramma nwn' google translate doesn't help that much to see if i made a mistake -w-')
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