A few of you know i'm going though a lot of testing at a clinic to determine if I am on the Autism Spectrum.

This has been a looming thing over me since I was young, it never really clicked until I was a teenager that something was 'wrong'.

Maybe it was the bullying that woke me up, maybe it was being called a 'freak' because I didn't act like most kids/teens my age and bullied ruthlessly for everything I did. Even answering a question wrong, even right, would make me a target.

Its only since knowing my partner, i've found more about myself, that what i'm doing ISN'T wrong, but it isn't normal in the eyes of my peers and friends. I've been told many times that my 'quirks' are very much 'telling' everyone that I do have a deep-ingrained problem but its now up to experts to find out what is wrong with me.

I'm not saying Autism is a problem, its just always been an uncertainty with me, i'm scared, i'll admit. Even if it turns out to be just my mental illnesses being daft, or i'm not on the spectrum, something will be done and I will heal in time.

The person i'm working with is an expert, he's very kind and understands me more than I understand myself, I feel safe in the knowledge that he'll help me through this.

I'm learning more about myself, about my quirks, about my strange behaviours.

The building is a big place, daunting, it scared me to the point I almost ran away from the clinic and just wanted to be far away. But the staff helped me settle in, despite being late due to anxiety, I was still seen quickly and to them I thank very much for understanding I was scared.

Today I go with my mum to see the expert, but hoping that it goes well.

I am more than happy to persue this to the end, its just...scary. I won't lie. Finding myself has been scarier than I first thought.