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This is a bit of a vent piece. Nov. 25th will be the 2 year anniversary of my dad's death. Been struggling in life a bit recently and the thought of him being gone for 2 years now weighs heavily on my heart. There are so many little moments I wish I could have with him again and so many funny little things that I wish I could share with him.
I dunno I've just been finding it incredibly hard to keep smiling. Honestly I think the only way I've been able to keep going is because I know my Mom needs me but in my darkest of days sometimes that doesn't even feel like its enough. I used to be passionate about video games yet now it feels like a chore. I love getting commissions but now it just feels hollow and empty. I used to like to chat with new people where at one point I had people texting me, messaging me on Skype, Telegram, PSN, Steam, even WhatsApp. Now I almost can't even bring myself to reply to messages anymore cause that too is starting to just feel like a chore.
I've been feeling stuck in life lately; I wake up, go to work for 11 hours, come back home, eat dinner and go to sleep. I've been doing this for the last year and have achieved nothing else since his death. The only accomplishment I have made is being promoted at the bank to Senior Teller where on the one hand I feel a bit of a sense of pride but on the other hand I feel like I'm letting him down somehow. My brother is a manager of an automotive services store, my mom a head chef and my Dad completed 20 years in the military and up until the end was basically his own boss at a company where he processed their payrolls. Where as me, I'm still living at home and after 4 years as a cashier at a drug store and a year as a teller at a bank, I still don't have a car, still don't have my own place and basically took me 5 years to be promoted to something more than just a cashier (Let's be honest, a teller is a bank's version of a cashier.)
I dunno I just wish I could ask him if he's proud of me still. I wish I had more drive to pursue something but I just feel utterly stuck and lost at the same time and I don't know what to do to break this vicious cycle. If only I could ask him if he's proud of me or go to him for some advice on what I can do or should do. Should I have continued with my education? Or did I make the right choice in leaving college yet again and go back to working full time? Can I ever break this sense of guilt for wanting to eventually move out and leave my Mom alone in this house? Am I selfish for wanting to do so?
If anything... I just wish I could ask him... Are you proud of me, Papa? The necklace bearing his ashes have less to say than the tombstone upon which he is laid in front of.
Art ©
mei5683
I dunno I've just been finding it incredibly hard to keep smiling. Honestly I think the only way I've been able to keep going is because I know my Mom needs me but in my darkest of days sometimes that doesn't even feel like its enough. I used to be passionate about video games yet now it feels like a chore. I love getting commissions but now it just feels hollow and empty. I used to like to chat with new people where at one point I had people texting me, messaging me on Skype, Telegram, PSN, Steam, even WhatsApp. Now I almost can't even bring myself to reply to messages anymore cause that too is starting to just feel like a chore.
I've been feeling stuck in life lately; I wake up, go to work for 11 hours, come back home, eat dinner and go to sleep. I've been doing this for the last year and have achieved nothing else since his death. The only accomplishment I have made is being promoted at the bank to Senior Teller where on the one hand I feel a bit of a sense of pride but on the other hand I feel like I'm letting him down somehow. My brother is a manager of an automotive services store, my mom a head chef and my Dad completed 20 years in the military and up until the end was basically his own boss at a company where he processed their payrolls. Where as me, I'm still living at home and after 4 years as a cashier at a drug store and a year as a teller at a bank, I still don't have a car, still don't have my own place and basically took me 5 years to be promoted to something more than just a cashier (Let's be honest, a teller is a bank's version of a cashier.)
I dunno I just wish I could ask him if he's proud of me still. I wish I had more drive to pursue something but I just feel utterly stuck and lost at the same time and I don't know what to do to break this vicious cycle. If only I could ask him if he's proud of me or go to him for some advice on what I can do or should do. Should I have continued with my education? Or did I make the right choice in leaving college yet again and go back to working full time? Can I ever break this sense of guilt for wanting to eventually move out and leave my Mom alone in this house? Am I selfish for wanting to do so?
If anything... I just wish I could ask him... Are you proud of me, Papa? The necklace bearing his ashes have less to say than the tombstone upon which he is laid in front of.
Art ©
mei5683
Category All / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 1200 x 947px
File Size 3.26 MB
It might not be my place to speak, but I think giving you more words to think over can help from one that’s felt a similar pain. I might not have lost a parent yet, but I certainly know what’s its like being stuck in limbo with my life the last year or two after feeling like I finished College and haven’t made anything of myself looking for a job. It eats away at me everyday and wains heavily on my mind to feeling like I’m sinking in an abyss with no means of escape or sense of worth. Even so, I’ve been grateful to find ways to push myself out of that mindset day by day, even though I don’t alwwys have those great days. I thank music, the occasional writing/gaming, or evening venting to others that feel this blight of depression to lift my spirits as I hope to with them.
My point is this: for you, you should certainly feel a pride to yourself because you are alive to this day and still carrying on in whatever you can do. Your father would lost certainly be proud of it and would look down on you to keep pressing forward with one foot in front of the other. You still should have time on your side to change your situation with your own two hands and some stroke of fortune could most certainly shine down to help you someday. Don’t lose faith in yourself and remember that your father is there with you in spirit. I wish you the best prosperity and tidings as you reflect on these things, good sir. :D Just keep at it and never lose faith in those that believe in you and more importantly yourself; light can surely come to you somewhere out on the horizon.
My point is this: for you, you should certainly feel a pride to yourself because you are alive to this day and still carrying on in whatever you can do. Your father would lost certainly be proud of it and would look down on you to keep pressing forward with one foot in front of the other. You still should have time on your side to change your situation with your own two hands and some stroke of fortune could most certainly shine down to help you someday. Don’t lose faith in yourself and remember that your father is there with you in spirit. I wish you the best prosperity and tidings as you reflect on these things, good sir. :D Just keep at it and never lose faith in those that believe in you and more importantly yourself; light can surely come to you somewhere out on the horizon.
The best thing you can do to truly make your father proud is listen to your heart. You're a good person from what I've gotten to know you to be. And I think your father would be incredibly proud of having a son like you. Just keep your chin up. Cry when you have to, but also don't let it consume you.
I'm sure my advice is something heard a million other times, but it's an advice that is well sought out too. I'm hoping you'll feel better soon. I'm around on telegram if you need any company.
I'm sure my advice is something heard a million other times, but it's an advice that is well sought out too. I'm hoping you'll feel better soon. I'm around on telegram if you need any company.
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