I don't really know why I'm responding to this singular post. I've nearly completely isolated myself over the past several months except for the single person that knows me completely.

I guess I just want to say I know this feeling, really well I might add. I have a nice bed but I've chosen to sleep on a leather couch with a blanket for the past two-ish years. I can't sleep on my bed anymore, I won't fall asleep at all if I do.

I'm also alone. My past two relationships both ended the same way, once I stopped being naive and realized that they were draining my bank account, I stopped buying gifts. Once the money flow ceased, the "love" did as well and I was alone again very quickly. I can't remember how many times I've attempted to end it all. This last time recently I almost had the balls not to stop but I "saved" myself again because death is painful. I think I killed a few brain cells at the least because my memory is absolute shit. My memory of each previous day is fragmented a bit it seems.

I really don't know what I'm trying to say. You're not alone? Of course you aren't, there are lots of people that deal with many different forms of "sorrow" to put it lightly. I don't know if you've have depression or not. Mine's treatment resistant and sporadic so I can't really do shit.

Everything about me seems to contradict itself and something that someone might find nice is usually accompanied by something to turn them off. Message me at your own risk I guess. I'm not good at communicating or making friends. Sorry for being a big cloud of depression.

It takes more than one big cloud to make a storm though. I'm sure there's symbolic value somewhere in that. I don't know.

Either way, thank you if you read all this. I apologize for the same reason.

Hey, you don’t have to apologise for yourself. But if it helps all the same, I forgive you and you should forgive yourself. It may not ever seem it but it takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest, so I thank you for that. I’m sorry to hear that life has thrown so many challenges your way. And despite the past relationships, I know there are people out there that care for you and that you can reach out to.

In regards to my sleep, I’m a bit of an insomniac so I find that where and how I sleep can be quite important. It’s been a little while since it’s been nessacary but I would often find the floor held more comfort than my bed. Which might seem a little contradictory but with things like insomnia and depression, you’re suffering with a chemical imbalance of the mind, which puts aside rationality and lets us make dessions that are illogical. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and the more you can recognise that your thinking through this imbalance, the more of a chance you have of fighting back against it. Which is why it’s been a long while since I’ve used the floor as a bed.

I do appreciate that as broader abstract concepts, misery and loneliness are by no means isolated. In fact you could jest that symptoms of the human condition specifically in relation to our relationship with the internet. But when you let
That knowledge in and feel it. The world is suffering. I’m not the kind of Person where that makes me feel lighter. I want to fix it. But I can’t, not really... except for the small tiny moments of interaction where just saying hello to someone I know brightens up their day.

I’m touched that something I’ve made was able to resonate with you so strongly, as an artist- even one that wastes time making smut. It means a lot to know that I’ve been able to reach out to you through that.

I know I’m not alone. I just sometimes wish I had someone to share my bed with me.

Thank you once again an I wish you all the best.

Thanks for the reply.

I don't know. The thing with me is that I couldn't give less of a shit about myself. I try my best to make people smile. I tell people to "pay it forward" and buy their groceries for them. I help someone lift something if they can't themselves. I try so hard to be a good person and it only end up hurting more.

I don't enjoy accepting gifts. I don't enjoy having people help me. I want to help but I hate getting help because I know it won't matter. I try and hope that something I do clicks with someone and they end up better because of it.

That doesn't happen though. I see the things that happen around me and I never see anyone going out of their way for anyone. I feel like there is such a small percentage of people that actually care. No one seems to ever go out of their way to do anything for someone else without compensation.

The immediate concerns of most people seem to be money, power, being liked and other such things. It's not even that everyone wants to necessarily. A lot of people that probably could be good end up stepping on others to make the money they need to support themselves and their families. I don't feel like I'm meant for this life. In order to live in the world you don't need food and water and health, you need the money to afford those things. You need to fit the standard to be accepted by society as a whole so that you can have a way to get money and do things. There are social obligations, job meetings, workplace arguments. It's all because people want to impress. People want to feel more powerful and in control than the people around them. Whether it's consciously or unconsciously it happens. And whether we want to or not we need it to happen to maintain standing and survive.

I'm content being the doormat. People step on me and take advantage of me. I don't enjoy it one fucking bit but I know that people are getting ahead if I'm there to be their step stool. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be human really. When I perceive that my excistance is more a burden than a boost, I very quickly turn to ending it all.

I'm just typing. I don't know if it made any sense. I'm just tired. I want to sleep and not have to wake up. I don't want the obligation to wake up. People say to stop caring and live for myself but those words don't work together in my mind. I'm not built for apathy.

Sorry for rambling.

Sadly you do seem to have yourself in a vicious circle. If you don’t enjoy the help of others and are quite ready to first see the selfish nature in people’s actions... it’s kind of a closed loop that you’ll have to work yourself out of. I mean your right to an extent the world we live in is materialistic because it affords people with money to remain better off. But there is hope for humanity and you can find it if you look hard enough for it. And at the end of the day you must also consider if there is such a thing as selflessness without sacrifice. And if you come to the conclusion that there is not, then it just a matter of understanding what it is it you’re sacrificeing to be that selfless person and if you are strong enough to let that happen... at the end of the day whether it’s you me or another, people can’t help but be selfish and being selfish isn’t a bad thing. It can be of course. And you also have to consider that to be truly selfless you must remain indifferent to any selfless act but anyway slight tangent there... but you can’t be content if you don’t enjoy being a door mat, you may put up with it, but you shouldn’t and if you find that happening to you, avoid those people or try to stick up for yourself.

But I mean you sound pretty set on how you see things and honestly by the sounds of things you may need someone on a more one to one level, say a counsellor or something if you’ve not already. I’m sorry that I can’t be much more help to you.