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'I've Been Thinking' ~
I've been thinking a lot lately of how its coming to the end of the year.
A time of the year, for 11 years has been painful, every single year since I lost my best friends.
I often listen to songs, thinking I can face it. Only to find tears streaming down my cheeks and still feeling the shock and pain in my heart, again.
Thing is, I was blamed for years, I felt so guilty - I still feel that burning guilt in the pit of my stomach and deep in my heart.
The voices tell me I killed my best friend, and lost my other best friend because I let her go.
Having pain like that, eats away at you. All the time.
I try to laugh, joke about the good times, but the pain outweighs the good 99% of the time.
The silly times on MSN, Furcadia, TLKFAA, I lost someone special to me. Someone who regarded me as their best friend, who wanted to come visit me, someone who wanted to take time to get to know me, not my mental illness...but me.
I blame myself for letting him go out that night, I should have never said to go out. He'd still be here.
Gordare/Patrick and Kat both cheered me up when I came off my motorbike, hurting myself rather badly the night before I lost Gordare to a car accident. He did his best to make me smile, did his best to make me laugh and forget my injuries.
Kat used to hold me when my legs and back were extremely painful. Hugs made things better. And I thank her for it.
If I did by any small chance see him again, i'd want to tell him i'm sorry for everything. Same with Kat.
I feel like my heart is ripping apart.
I had to get this off my chest. So if your still here, thanks for listening/reading.
I miss them so much.
A time of the year, for 11 years has been painful, every single year since I lost my best friends.
I often listen to songs, thinking I can face it. Only to find tears streaming down my cheeks and still feeling the shock and pain in my heart, again.
Thing is, I was blamed for years, I felt so guilty - I still feel that burning guilt in the pit of my stomach and deep in my heart.
The voices tell me I killed my best friend, and lost my other best friend because I let her go.
Having pain like that, eats away at you. All the time.
I try to laugh, joke about the good times, but the pain outweighs the good 99% of the time.
The silly times on MSN, Furcadia, TLKFAA, I lost someone special to me. Someone who regarded me as their best friend, who wanted to come visit me, someone who wanted to take time to get to know me, not my mental illness...but me.
I blame myself for letting him go out that night, I should have never said to go out. He'd still be here.
Gordare/Patrick and Kat both cheered me up when I came off my motorbike, hurting myself rather badly the night before I lost Gordare to a car accident. He did his best to make me smile, did his best to make me laugh and forget my injuries.
Kat used to hold me when my legs and back were extremely painful. Hugs made things better. And I thank her for it.
If I did by any small chance see him again, i'd want to tell him i'm sorry for everything. Same with Kat.
I feel like my heart is ripping apart.
I had to get this off my chest. So if your still here, thanks for listening/reading.
I miss them so much.
Category All / All
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File Size 175.9 kB
Its fine Thrash, I know those wounds probably seem like they will never heal, but you cant keep living in the past.
Thats like my mom ( not saying youre anything like her at all I promise ) but as an example, all she can do is live in the past, and the past still hurts her, if you can find a way to move on, to let all of that pain and suffering go, you will be so much better off for it. Youre doing nothing but causing yourself so much unneeded pain, I see it on here I see it in your tweets, its 11 years now hun, you gotta move on. It happened, it hurt, its been hurting a while, they're both gone, they wouldnt want you to hurt like this. I dont want you to hurt like this, its a decade is too long a time to keep hurting over this.
I mean I understand there will always be a pang in your heart, and a feeling of loss, I feel it every time Time Hop reminds me of how my dog was before I put her to sleep, and how she went down so violently. Its constant reminders. But you have to learn how to let those reminders not effect you.
I dont want to see you hurting over this anymore, I want to see you happy and to let it go.
So what if they blamed you, you know whats right and wrong, you cant focus on who is blaming who. Dont get caught up in it. Its not your fault, end of story.
Please. Try and let all of this go.
Thats like my mom ( not saying youre anything like her at all I promise ) but as an example, all she can do is live in the past, and the past still hurts her, if you can find a way to move on, to let all of that pain and suffering go, you will be so much better off for it. Youre doing nothing but causing yourself so much unneeded pain, I see it on here I see it in your tweets, its 11 years now hun, you gotta move on. It happened, it hurt, its been hurting a while, they're both gone, they wouldnt want you to hurt like this. I dont want you to hurt like this, its a decade is too long a time to keep hurting over this.
I mean I understand there will always be a pang in your heart, and a feeling of loss, I feel it every time Time Hop reminds me of how my dog was before I put her to sleep, and how she went down so violently. Its constant reminders. But you have to learn how to let those reminders not effect you.
I dont want to see you hurting over this anymore, I want to see you happy and to let it go.
So what if they blamed you, you know whats right and wrong, you cant focus on who is blaming who. Dont get caught up in it. Its not your fault, end of story.
Please. Try and let all of this go.
How one like you is holding all of these events like you are guilty is just about ready to proceed to point where you feel like you do not have any place in this world. No one would want that, really. This may sound cruel in your perspective, but it is reality
My piece has been said
My piece has been said
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