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Story / Fat Furs
Species Tiger
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Ah yes, the stories of Blake, the freakishly fat tiger continues. We are given some insight into his school life, as he waits on news from Dr. Zane.
<< PREV |FIRST| NEXT >>
Yeah, this is the SECOND part. Go back and read the first one if you haven't already, if you please.
Y'know, for a fat fur story he hasn't really gained a lot yet. *shrug*
<< PREV |FIRST| NEXT >>
Yeah, this is the SECOND part. Go back and read the first one if you haven't already, if you please.
Y'know, for a fat fur story he hasn't really gained a lot yet. *shrug*
Category Story / Fat Furs
Species Tiger
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 43 kB
Hm, well...
Paragraph 6 - "preferring my gut": Maybe you meant "regarding"?
Paragraph 8 - You slip into the present tense here.
Paragraph 13 - "calculating the time had": Maybe you meant "the time -he- had"?
Paragraph 18 - Parentheses within parentheses!
Paragraph 32 - "By all rights, I be losing weight": Maybe you meant "I -should- be"?
Paragraph 41 - "I soon become older news": Maybe you meant "I soon -became- older news"?
Last paragraph - "slobber off my brow": Slobber indicates heavy drooling. Maybe you meant sweat?
Like I said, just a few small things, but nothing that drastically took away from the story as a whole!
Paragraph 6 - "preferring my gut": Maybe you meant "regarding"?
Paragraph 8 - You slip into the present tense here.
Paragraph 13 - "calculating the time had": Maybe you meant "the time -he- had"?
Paragraph 18 - Parentheses within parentheses!
Paragraph 32 - "By all rights, I be losing weight": Maybe you meant "I -should- be"?
Paragraph 41 - "I soon become older news": Maybe you meant "I soon -became- older news"?
Last paragraph - "slobber off my brow": Slobber indicates heavy drooling. Maybe you meant sweat?
Like I said, just a few small things, but nothing that drastically took away from the story as a whole!
Interesting... and a great read! 
rockytheprocy already covered the proofreading, so I'll just talk about the story.
It was interesting seeing how he gets through the day. Unlike most fat teens, of course, Blake has enough muscle to put any bullies off their game, so at least he gets by without any actual abuse. I can just imagine what he goes through with strangers, though... the stories are legion.
I'm increasingly curious as to what is causing Blake's continued expansion; ordinary real-world science would indeed be mystified by someone that continues to gain weight regardless of exercise or caloric intake. The top fictional causes, off the top of my shaggy head:
1. Am overaggressive mutation of the obesity virus. Yes, there really is such a thing as an obesity virus. Nobody's sure how it works, but it raises your tendency to store energy as fat at the same time as it drops your cholesterol and triglycerides down to a very healthy level. (The virus, Ad-35, breeds in fat cells.)
2. A hyper-efficient metabolism that barely needs a crust of bread to go on... but still needs all the vitamins and minerals, oils amd proteins and fats, found in normal food. The good news in such a case is that he could lose weight... provided he was willing to eat nothing but highly-nutritious sludge the rest of his life. Bleah. :-P
3. Magic. Whether it's an enemy, a random curse, or someone that just wanted to see the star athlete break through the lunchroom benches, this covers the "science has been locked in the green room and will be let out when the story is over" answers.
rockytheprocy already covered the proofreading, so I'll just talk about the story. It was interesting seeing how he gets through the day. Unlike most fat teens, of course, Blake has enough muscle to put any bullies off their game, so at least he gets by without any actual abuse. I can just imagine what he goes through with strangers, though... the stories are legion.
I'm increasingly curious as to what is causing Blake's continued expansion; ordinary real-world science would indeed be mystified by someone that continues to gain weight regardless of exercise or caloric intake. The top fictional causes, off the top of my shaggy head:
1. Am overaggressive mutation of the obesity virus. Yes, there really is such a thing as an obesity virus. Nobody's sure how it works, but it raises your tendency to store energy as fat at the same time as it drops your cholesterol and triglycerides down to a very healthy level. (The virus, Ad-35, breeds in fat cells.)
2. A hyper-efficient metabolism that barely needs a crust of bread to go on... but still needs all the vitamins and minerals, oils amd proteins and fats, found in normal food. The good news in such a case is that he could lose weight... provided he was willing to eat nothing but highly-nutritious sludge the rest of his life. Bleah. :-P
3. Magic. Whether it's an enemy, a random curse, or someone that just wanted to see the star athlete break through the lunchroom benches, this covers the "science has been locked in the green room and will be let out when the story is over" answers.
Okay, wow.
Best critique ever.
Maybe that's exaggerating a bit, but coming from my flickr (I hang out there a lot) where all the comments I get are "nice tones," "I like the pose," or "This is AWESOME!" this kind of feedback just blows me away.
Fortunately or unfortunately, Blake does not deal with any strangers in Part 3. I shall probably make it happen in Part 4. It shall be interesting. Blake's not lacking a lot of self esteem, but he's still towards the modest side. Maybe knowledge about what's actually going on with him will give him a bit of a swagger.
Anyway, what's actually going on with him isn't exactly any of the three.
It's DEFINITELY not magic. If I was just writing a one-shot story with no plan of a sequel, I'd consider magic. But the length of this demands something less easy than "IT'S MAGIC LOLOL."
It's scientific, I guess. I'm HORRIBLE with science and so I don't really do into depth about the technical side of his condition, but I think it makes enough sense. It's a fictional story anyway. xD
Best critique ever.
Maybe that's exaggerating a bit, but coming from my flickr (I hang out there a lot) where all the comments I get are "nice tones," "I like the pose," or "This is AWESOME!" this kind of feedback just blows me away.
Fortunately or unfortunately, Blake does not deal with any strangers in Part 3. I shall probably make it happen in Part 4. It shall be interesting. Blake's not lacking a lot of self esteem, but he's still towards the modest side. Maybe knowledge about what's actually going on with him will give him a bit of a swagger.
Anyway, what's actually going on with him isn't exactly any of the three.
It's DEFINITELY not magic. If I was just writing a one-shot story with no plan of a sequel, I'd consider magic. But the length of this demands something less easy than "IT'S MAGIC LOLOL."
It's scientific, I guess. I'm HORRIBLE with science and so I don't really do into depth about the technical side of his condition, but I think it makes enough sense. It's a fictional story anyway. xD
Well at least Blake isn't bullied for his weight or anything so that's good. Heck, it seems like he doesn't really mind it per say. Also, I think Travis like's his friend's roundness, and I would be too. Heck, having a clean bill of health and sporting a nice gut would be nice.
Still, I think Blake would just want his dad to be happy again. I do hope Blake's theory is right about his dad too. It makes sense that a father would feel awful if he couldn't do anything to help his own child.
Awesome work on this story man, I'm really hooked. :3
Still, I think Blake would just want his dad to be happy again. I do hope Blake's theory is right about his dad too. It makes sense that a father would feel awful if he couldn't do anything to help his own child.
Awesome work on this story man, I'm really hooked. :3
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