I've been internalizing this for a long time but I can't hold it in any longer. I gotta vent this SOMEWHERE.

SIGH... I keep thinking about maybe having a girlfriend. I don't know if it's just because of my exhausting stress or insecurities about getting old and uglier than I already am and becoming MORE unwanted or what but... This is a thing that happens.

Not like I have anyone in mind. It's just been an idea floating around in my head space. But I keep remembering all the reasons why my boyfriend dumped me and how a lot of them would apply to having a girlfriend too. If it were to ever happen, they'd have to be someone on the same, acutely specific spectrum as me. And I don't know if there's anyone else who's on that wavelength.

I'm very asexual/aromantic, VERY sex repulsed, I do not like being touched, I don't like almost any kisses, I can't keep in contact everyday, I like to be by myself sometimes, I like having my own bed, I cannot reciprocate almost any physical affection, I'm very loud, fat, forgetful, scared, dumb as fuck, and just a fuck ton of other things that make me so undesirable as a partner. I really don't think I'm BUILT to have a relationship with anyone. AND YET HERE I AM, thinking about it.

Again, maybe it's just stress making thoughts like these pop up and they'll eventually disappear. I'm kind of hoping so in all honesty. It freaks me out and makes me feel very inferior. But at the same time... I don't know. I'm not sure what to do other than to try to wait it out.

Just... Shut up, brain. Shut the fuck up.