(you can totally favourite this piece if you want to, guys. don't be shy just because of my giant wall of vent text. I appreciate any feedback :) )

"I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can't escape the gravity

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I'm paranoid
But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me
It's not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?"



Where have I been? Well, trying to balance everything. Trying to be liked. Trying to be accepted. Trying to be understood. Trying to make it through just one day after the other. That's where I've been. My mind is a fucking mess. Only now am I managing to piece together just what's been wrong with me all these years, but I haven't wanted to say anything publicly for a few reasons. First, I don't want people to think I am just some whiny attention seeking brat. Second, who is honestly going to care? I mean, we all have our own issues we are facing. I am a strong believer in that you shouldn't judge or compare your problems to someone else's. You don't know what they're going through, even if you think you do. You don't. So I've just stayed quiet, because it's honestly better than causing unwanted drama and hurtful comments. But now I am going to say it. I don't care if I don't have an official diagnosis (it's taken me months to even see a Psychiatrist - Australia is just so shit when it comes to mental health I want to scream until my throat bleeds.) I saw a clinical psychologist about 4 months ago or so, and where he works he is unable to give a proper diagnosis (what the fuck, HeadSpace?), but he said himself that if he could diagnose me, he would say I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

The reason why I chose to tell you all this is not to gain attention, but to raise awareness. I am almost certain the Psychiatrist will find tomorrow when I see him, that I do indeed have Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't believe in self-diagnosis as far as "thinking you have it but not going to anyone to get therapy" goes.. no. I plan to face my inner demons and get group therapy, gain an understanding and then use that experience and knowledge to put into my future career as a Social Worker, Youth Worker, or maybe even a Psychiatrist - that would be my ultimate dream. So, let me be melodramatic for a moment here and say this: I have really been suffering for a lot of my life. I've met friends who understand, and then I've met people who did not understand and insist on blocking me on this account when I haven't done anything technically to deserve it. Yeah. That sort of thing. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me... who am I kidding... A LOT OF THE TIME MY EMOTIONS GET THE BETTER OF ME and I just can't cope. I get scared of losing friends and people who I at least thought cared enough not to bitch about me behind my back with all their friends who don't even know me from one person to the next.... I am talking about someone in particular, but of course I would never call someone out like this, that would be wrong. Just having a vent. Yes, there were things I did wrong. So very wrong. I am not perfect, and I probably never will be. However, I don't think I deserve to be consistently ignored when pleading for a rekindling of a friendship or just for some indication of a reply. That's when my emotions just lost touch with reality and I was scared. Scared of losing a friend, scared of being bitched about behind my back and scared of being abandoned by someone who I really thought cared about me. But they didn't. Even after over a year, and I haven't done or said anything to this person, and I still get blocked on every account just about that I have.

And of course, some of you will probably be reading this (bless you if you've read this far, you get a cookie :cookie:) are thinking "what the fuck Howler, this is such a small issue, you shouldn't care about this.." well, I do. And I don't choose what I care about, and to what intensity OR how long this intense emotion lasts for. That is BPD for you in a nutshell.

They say a loving supportive family is just what is needed to help heal those with BPD. Not me though.. I mean my dad, I have so much respect for him. He listens to me without any judgemental remarks on my emotions and just lets me vent. If I tried to vent to almost anyone else in my family, I get judged, I get told to shut up ("Wow. Just Stop." to be exact) and I get ignored (messages left unread). This is all a massive deal to me. It is real to me and it hurts. I even had the pleasure to find out that my sisters had a mini bitch about my emotional reactiveness (both of them were like "Wow...". Very supportive guys.. :thumbsup: you all deserve a medal. Of course, SARCASM INTENDED. The only people who want to actually take the time out to listen to me and understand me is my few online friends, my boyfriend, my best friend IRL and my dad. Woo. Big list. Quality over quantity and all that, but little things just get in the way. Little thoughts. These little thoughts turn into emotion. This emotion gets out of control and then I end up blowing my top at someone at the wrong time, then get blamed even more.

Speaking of being blamed, I will mention another little something that's been getting me fired up, and that's people who hold grudges for years. Small grudges. Grudges I don't even remember. Then I get told I was basically in the wrong and attacked someone who was asking for it by even getting involved in something that didn't concern them to begin with. And I am pretty sure that saying "no offense, but this isn't really any of your business" is not attacking someone. I am upfront and honest, and I guess some people can't handle it. BUT, the person who got involved to begin with is just highly uptight and opinionated (I am going to take a shot in the dark and guess INSECURITY), so if you can't take what you dish out, then don't get involved maybe? I just don't understand people. It's not hard to just scroll on if you see something you don't like. But still, even after 3 years holding a grudge over a petty and unnecessary argument, I am still blamed for 100% of what happened, I was the one who apparently attacked this person and I should be the one to message them saying that I have changed? Lolno. I don't care if blood is thicker than water, or whatever the fuck people say, if someone in your family is giving you shit, taking sides, ignoring you or being nasty to you, DROP THEM. Don't go out of your way to communicate with them if they're showing clear indications that they don't care about your feelings or well being. Toxic people are toxic and only deserve to be BOOTED. And by that, I mean people who are patronising, belittling, think they're better than you or people who think they know more than you just because they're older than you.

We lost a cat as well which has hit me pretty hard. He was too young, only 2. We don't even know what happened. My dad just found him :/ so now I have to somehow deal with that too on top of everything else. And as I said above, this may not seem like a big deal to some people, but it's my world. This is my life and it's a huge deal to me. Any hurtful or insensitive comments will be deleted and I just might block you. So don't even bother.


Programs Used: Paint Tool SAI
Tools/Tablet: Wacom Cintiq 13HD
Time Taken: over a month because fuck it
Layers: Over 30
Featured Character(s): Tori The Dragoness


Art & Character (Tori) © HowlerDragon