(originally posted on my da)

I was having a nice day reading fanfiction and in there they were talking about ftm top surgery and I was thinking about how happy im gonna be once i get one and get the body where im comfortable with but then my dad texted me, the text itself wasnt what caused me to panic but the person who texted me. Thinking of my dad along with the afterthought of top surgery made me panic and run through a lot of scenarios where it would come up, like me asking my mom for it and my dad noticing or my mom talking to him about it, my dad doesn't like anything thats not white, cis and/or straight, and well im only white as fuck. He would ask why the fuck his 'daughter' would get something like that, something that makes 'her' less of a 'woman'. He scares me a bit, I don't think hed change his views if his child 'suddenly' didn't want breasts anymore. And this got me thinking about how I really hate the feminine pronoun being used on me, it's always made me twitchy but now im shaking mentally, begging people in my head to not use that, use 'them', hell even masculine ones work as long as it's not female. And you guys remember how I came out to my mom on my last day of college this april? Yeah shes not helping with anything, she fucking asked me how to use the pronouns and what 'slang' to refer to me as but guess what shes been calling me? 'SHE/HER". It's killing me because I thought she understood, she doesn't even attempt anything in private, nothing....sorry for venting and rambling