Well before FA so rudely limited the length of my title, it was supposed to be "Art and a Story (sort of like dinner and a movie except without dinner or the movie)" Anyway...

This artwork is a commission by the awesome Jailbait--er--I mean  jailbird I love how this turned out.

Now for the story part. I started this story last summer but I've been waiting for the perfect commissioned picture to go along with it before posting it, hence the border collie above. This was the first time I've tried my hand at writing a pure comedy piece. I've worked so long and hard on this story so please tell me it's good. Here's hoping. I included lots of comedic references to Beach Boys songs and some classic beach/surfing movies with help from Netflix that I'm not sure everyone will pick up on. But anyway, here it is. Just a note--it may look pretty long here but try not to be intimidated. It's really only 18 pages. (in Microsoft Word) But if you still must have such a thing, I've got a download-able version of the story here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2476283

PS I realize the ice cream flavors in the story don't match the ones in the picture. Oops.
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Ice Cream on the Beach....Or Not

"Did you say four vanilla cones?" The musteline ice cream stand owner stared in disbelief.

"And one boysenberry, please," came the cheerful reply.

"All at once??"

"Yeah, it's reeeeally hot today."

The owner eyed his teenage patron, a smiling, brown-eyed border collie girl. The collie wore a sky blue bikini top with string straps and a pair of white cargo shorts. The bright southern California sun high above glinted off her bushy black and white fur as it warmed the white sand beneath her padded feet. The gusty salt air swayed the tops of tall palm trees and carried the laughter of children over the surrounding dunes. At the water’s edge far off, ocean waves rolled gently onto the beach and then eased back out again in steady rhythm, the music of their movement in tune with the soft tones of a steel drum band playing close by.

The ice cream stand owner looked doubtful. "Are you sure you can afford all that, young lady?"

The collie waved a five dollar bill and grinned. "I got what you want right here!"

He eyed her again and then took the bill. He turned around, pulled the dispenser lever on his machine, and eased curls of rich frozen cream into two empty cones. He set those on the counter before her and then took two more cones and repeated. Next, he moved to a different lever and filled a last cone with the boysenberry. The collie waited with her hands clasped together under her chin and her tail wagging energetically as her eyes followed the ice cream's every movement from machine to countertop.

When he was done, she eagerly grabbed up the confections, three to one hand and two to the other. Their glistening surfaces were already melting in the merciless sun. "Thank you muches, Mr. Dispenser Man!" she said. She turned on one heel and carried her treats across the sand with a dance in her stride as she aimed to make her way down the beach, towards the water's edge. The collie brought the three cones to her mouth and lapped at them. Then she traded those for the two dripping confections in her other hand. She savored the cool sweetness, and then sighed and spoke with her mouth full. "Yeah you know momma needs you, don't you, babies? Yes you do…"

"Look out!" someone yelled.

The collie peered over her shoulder. "Huh?"

A huge beach ball slammed into her back and sent her sprawling face-first into the sand. She lay there with her head buried and her backside and tail arched into the air.

An orange tabby tomcat in yellow swimming trunks came trotting up behind her. "Oh I'm so sorry, ma’am!" he said. "It's my son over there. I keep telling him not throw the ball so hard but you know how hardheaded kids can be…um--ma'am?"

The collie was motionless.

"Ma'am…are you alright?"

Still nothing.

He looked around sheepishly and then bent down and nudged her shoulder. "Ma'am?"

A young cat came up to stare at her. "Is she dead?"

The tom rolled his eyes. "No, son, she's not dead. Although she may have a concussion--no thanks to you. You know, you're never going to get anywhere in life with girls if you keep giving them concussions."

The boy made a face. "Ew! Girls are icky."

“Yeah…well I’m sure they find you just as revolting.”

“Thank you.”

"Grab an arm, son. Let's help her up."

"Are you sure about that? I don't think our health insurance covers cooties."

"Look, just grab an arm, alright?"

The boy shrugged. "Okay, whatever you say." He stood in front of her, knelt down, and reached for her arm. The collie suddenly sat upright and grabbed both his hands.

The boy jumped and cried out. "GAH!" His fur stood all on end.

"Why?" she said. She wrung his hands vigorously. "Why!? Why do bad things happen to good ice cream? Tell me why!" She let go and dropped her arms to her sides. The boy scrambled to his feet. "Nothing makes sense anymore," she said. "Where did the world go so wrong? This is an American disaster." She yelled into the sky. "Somebody call FEMA!" She picked up an upside down cone and watched the sand-covered contents fall out. She rooted around, picking up more cones. "Joe? Cody? Amelia? Guys, don't leave me like this!"

The tomcat and his son looked at each other and then began carefully backing away.

The collie got to her feet and made her way back to the ice cream stand. The owner looked at her wide-eyed as she came plodding up. "What? More already?"

"I had a little accident."

He looked at some milk dribbling down her side. "I see."

"Just one cone this time, please. Vanilla."

He turned to his machine and fixed up another cone. He set it down in front of her. She dug for her wallet, took it out, and opened it up. She looked into it. She kept looking.

The shop owner peered over the counter. "Is there a problem?"

She closed her wallet and waved her hand. "Problem? Oh no, no…no…” They looked at each other for a few moments. “Well yes, actually," she said. She laughed. "It's kind of crazy, you know, I just, uh…well I don't have any…money…left. But—but you can just put it on my tab, right?"

"You don't have a tab here."

"Oh well, I'm sure you can open me up one."

"I don't do tabs." He held out his hand and waited.

She looked at it. "I can't tip you--I don't have any money."

"The ice cream."

“Tip the ice cream?”

“No! Hand it over!”

"What? No, no! Not Herschel! We were just starting to get to know each other!"

"Hersch—wha—just hand it over, alright?"

"Oh come on. Please?"

"Now."

"Just one free cone since I'm such a loyal customer?"

"No!"

"Ooooh!" she whined. She slowly handed the cone back to him. He snatched it and began dumping its contents back into his machine.

"Man, you gotta be kidding me!" She turned from the stand and plodded off. “This is so unfair.”

***

As the sun neared its zenith, the border collie walked with her ears drooping and her tongue lolling out of her mouth. “So hot…ice cream…FEMA…”

A young lemur boy walked passed her, happily licking on a triple-scoop strawberry ice cream cone. Her ears perked back up and she watched the ice cream go by. She looked around and then she quietly followed the boy. He went to a bench and sat down, his long, ringed tail laid out next to him. The collie leaned against an outdoor shower and watched him for a little while, then she walked in front of his bench and stopped.

"Hello!" she said in a cheery voice.

He looked at her for a moment with his large eyes and then he looked away and went back to licking his cone. "Hi," he said.

She put the back of her hand against her forehead. "Boy it sure is hot today, isn't it?"

"Yep."

She waited and then spoke again. "Hm, that looks like good ice cream you got there. Especially good to have it on such a hot day."

"Yep."

She waited again.

"Man, I wish I had some ice cream like that. Nice, sweet, cold ice cream on a hot day." She put her hands behind her back and grinned.

After a few minutes with no response from the boy, she scowled and walked away. A moment later, her head slowly came up behind the bench. She began reaching for the ice cream cone and then she pulled back. She tapped the lemur boy on his right shoulder. He looked in that direction and she quickly leaned far over his left shoulder and craned her neck with her tongue out to reach for his cone. She suddenly lost her balance and fell face first into the seat of the bench. She tumbled over herself and fell into the sand.

She scrambled to her feet, her ears burning with embarrassment. "Hey look!" she said. "I did a completely intentional somersault. Wasn't that neat? I intentionally did it completely on purpose too. Intentionally."

He stared at her, eyes wide. After a long silence with him just looking at her, she cleared her throat. "Okaaaay, I guess I'll be going now." She put her hands behind her back and walked off again. The lemur boy watched her until she was out of sight on the other site a pair of changing room tents, then he warily turned back to his ice cream and began licking again.

The collie came stealthily crawling back on all fours with her tail in the air. She went to the bench and came up behind it again. She picked up a small rock and threw it to the boy's right. It hit a discarded soda can. The lemur turned and looked but his cone moved with him out of the collie’s reach. She made a pouting face and then reached and tapped his left shoulder. He looked in the other direction. The cone moved back within her reach and she lunged for it.

After searching bewildered for the source of the disturbance, he opened his mouth and turned his head to finish his ice cream. He stopped and sat completely still. He was muzzle to muzzle with the collie, his nose mashed up against hers. His eyes moved downward and he saw her red tongue touching his topmost strawberry scoop.

She smiled. "Um…Hemmo."

Tears started welling up in the little lemur's eyes.

The collie pulled away and stood up. "Wait, no—don't! Please don't do that!"

His bottom lip began trembling.

She waved her hands back and forth. "No, no, no, no, no! I'm sorry! Please don't cry!"

He turned his head skyward and let out a long, wailing sob.

She put a finger to her mouth. "Shhhh! Shhhh! No, no—aw come on!"

"Mommaaaaa!" he lemur bawled.

The collie went up to him, put her hand on top of his head and patted it. "Hey there, there. Shhh. Stop. There—there’s no need to cry."

He simply bawled even louder. The collie stood up and began backing away from the scene.

"Hey! Hey what’s going on over here?" She heard someone shouting at her. She looked and saw a golden retriever police officer in a tan uniform, shorts, and sunglasses walking towards her across the sand. He approached her and put his hands on his hips. "Aright, Gidget, what’s the problem? Do you know this child? Why is he crying?"

The lemur boy pointed at her. "She's trying to steal my ice cream! She's trying to steal it!" He broke down into more pitiful sobs.

The collie continued backing away.

The officer glared at her. “Hey you hold it right there, Gidget. Just what are you trying to pull? Where do you teen delinquents get off bullying little kids? Huh?"

"Well you know, it's just kinda—well it's like this—um" She turned around and bolted across the beach.

"Hey. HEY!" She kept running and the officer sprinted after her. "FREEZE!"

As the collie ran, directly in her path a teenage boy and girl held hands as they walked along the beach. The boy turned to the girl. “You know the only thing I’ve studied this semester is you.”

She put her arms around his neck and smiled mischievously. “Well I hope…you don’t flunk.”

“Move it, Frankie and Dee Dee!” the collie shouted. “The beach party’s back the other way! Move it!” The other girl screamed as the collie ran between her and the guy, inadvertently shoving him, sending him spinning and then to the ground hard on his backside.

The collie passed a kiosk and pushed down an overfilled trash bin into the police officer’s path. He tripped on soda cans spilling from the fallen bin and he nearly fell. Heading for open sand, the collie girl leapt over rows of sunbathers lying on mats in their bikinis and swimming trunks. Following her close behind, the officer made it over the first two supple bodies, then he tripped over someone's tail and went sprawling. Pulling his face from the sand and pulling himself to his knees, he opened his eyes to see his hands resting square on top of a female buttocks. He looked up into the angry face of a very rotund raccoon.

The golden retriever straightened his sunglass. "Uh, very sorry, Miss. I'm in pursuit of a juvenile offender."

The raccoon nodded her head. "Oh I can see yo 'in pursuit' of somethin’ alright, Ponch."

The officer put out his hand. "Wait, no—"

She slapped him across the face and his glasses went flying off his head.

"OW!"

The police officer grabbed the glasses, jumped up, and looked for his target but she was nowhere in sight. He glared at the raccoon. "Nice work, Aunt Jemima."

The collie girl hid behind a row of trashcans next to some changing tents near the edge of the beach with her knees pulled up to her chest. "Oh man, I’m a bad, bad, puppy. I-I'm a child abuser and a fugitive—no worse. I'm…I’m…an ice cream terrorist!" She put her chin in her hands. “They’ll put warning labels on me. I’m going to be forever known to the state of California to cause emotional trauma in children. How could something like this happen?”

She paused, then frowned and sniffed the air. Something smelled like body odor. She heard some rustling, she looked over her shoulder, and saw a homeless otter sifting through one of the trashcans. The man had a three-wheeled shopping cart with him filled with junk. The collie made a face and stood up to find a different spot to sit. Then at once, she saw a familiar and wonderfully glorious glint of perfect light. There, sitting pristinely atop a cardboard box in a trashcan before her, was a succulent, dripping vanilla ice cream cone, slick, smooth and utterly beautiful to her. Her shining heart soared with glee. Could this be real? Or was it some cruel prank? "Who would throw away such a precious thing," she said aloud.

She studied the ice cream cone. It didn't look dirty. She grinned as she reached for the cone and took hold of it. She started when she saw not one but two hands on the cone. And the other one wasn't hers. She looked up and into the eyes of the smelly otter staring back at her. The eyes were big and pitiful and pleaded with her for the tasty snack.

The collie's spirits plummeted. "Oh no! B-b-but, but I saw it first!"

A violinist played sad notes from a stage at a nearby open air restaurant.

"Oh come on! Please don't look at me like that!"

The man’s pleading eyes remains locked on hers.

She stamped her feet. "Aw man, this isn't faaair!" After a few moments, the collie girl sighed. She looked down at the ground and let go of the cone.

***

With a prodigious grin on his face, the otter left with his cart, lapping hungrily at his new treat.

The collie yelled at the violinist. "You weren’t helping!" She blew long fur on her head out of her eyes and moved on.

The sun sat at in the sky at its highest point of the day. All the shadows had retreated from the palm trees. Even the hardcore sunbathers were beginning to put up umbrellas and shelters. The collie walked passed ice chests brimming with beer bottles, shops serving towering slushies, and all the happy creatures enjoying them. She watched dozens young men and women mingling. “If there’s “two girls for every boy”, then why can’t there be one ice cream cone for just one girl?” She clasped her head between her hands. "Why me? She yelled into the sky. "What did I ever to wrong do deserve this?"

"YOU!"

She turned to see the golden retriever police officer running straight at her. She broke into a sprint. "Okay, there was that one thing!”

"I said stop, you delinquent!" the retriever yelled. "You're under arrest! Do you hear me?"

She dashed towards the scene of a volleyball game. A large crowed watched, gathered on wooden bleachers. The collie charged onto the playing field and into the midst of the startled players. She ran passed the net. The retriever was right on her heels. Suddenly, a flying volleyball slammed into his head. He stumbled, smacked into somebody, and tumbled with them to the ground. He opened his eyes and he was horrified to find both his hands on the chest of a bikini-clad tigress.

She bared her fangs. "What is this? Reno 911?"

"Wait, ma'am, I can explain—"

SLAP!

"OW!"

The collie girl burst into the crowd of spectators, ran up the bleachers, jumped off the back end and kept running.

The officer was on his feet, he ran to the other side of the bleachers, saw her, and was on her heals again. "Gidget, this is resisting arrest! You're only making things worse for yourself!”

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be a terrorist!” she yelled back. “It just…happened! Please stop trying to arrest me!"

"Terrorist—what? What are you…talking about?" He puffed and swallowed. "Look, just…just slow down and lets talk about this…alright?"

"But I don't want to get twenty-five to life!"

"Kid—you're not going to get twenty-five to life!"

"Yes I am! I'm a terrorist! It's all over!"

She ran for a row of beachside bungalows with thatched roofs. She dashed past a group of teen girls in bikinis and a few boys. They sat in a large circle on mats playing guitars, singing, and tossing beach balls around. In the water, many young men surfed on the waves as girls looked on, whispering among themselves and giggling. The collie girl ran up the front steps of one of the bungalows. She turned halfway to see if the retriever was gaining on her. When she did so, she tripped and fell backwards through an open doorway.

Stumbling inside, she started at the sight of an extensively bearded goat there, next to a window that looked out onto the beach. “I’m sorry, sir I—” the collie began. She noticed the goat held a small wired microphone in his hoofish hand, grinning and looking through a spyglass mounted on a tripod, pointed out the window. Surrounding him were a video camera and a large sound-amplifying dish—also pointed out the window—as well as several large sound recording devices. The goat suddenly saw her standing there and his grin vanished. He stared at her open-mouthed.

The collie glanced through the window and saw the group of youths outside. “Hey… a-are you—are you…spying on girls on the beach? What are you some kind of stalker?”

The look of surprise on the goats face was replaced by one of indignation. “Young Lady! I’ll have you know that I am a famed anthrop(omorph)ologist. I’m studying the behavioral patterns of the young adult beach subculture and its relation to primitive tribes. Those young men and women, and yourself as a matter of fact—being a member of that peculiar culture, happen to by part of my subject group.”

“Uh yeah…I can definitely see that you’re ‘studying.’”

The golden retriever burst into the room. “HA! Breaking and entering! Caught in the act again! How deep are you trying to dig yourself?”

“Gotta go!” The collie yelled. “Try to get a paper route or something, professor!” She dashed through the back door of the bungalow and the retriever chased her out.

The goat spoke into his handheld microphone. “My first contact came a bit sooner than I had expected but seemed remarkably less productive than I had hoped. And quite a bit more embarrassing.”

Outside the bungalow, the collie girl spotted a wharf full of fishing boats at the edge of the public beach area. She ran down the steps of the back patio and sprinted for the wharf, hoping to loose the golden retriever amongst the many docked vessels.

She dashed across the wooden wharf, passed oil-covered barrels and over dark pools of water stinking of bilge. Barnacles encrusted the thick piles supporting the wharf, driven deep below the surface of the sand. The collie turned a corner, running down a row of boats. She saw one with its gangplank extended. She ran up the gangplank, hopped into the boat, dove behind the cabin, and crouched there, resting her back against it. “Aw man, this is idiotic!” she said. “Of course he saw me go back here! What am I thinking? He’ll be right on top of me any second now!”

She shut her eyes tightly, laid her ears flat, and put her arms over her head, expecting in the next moment to hear the golden retriever’s booming voice shouting at her: “You’re under arrest, you ice cream terrorist!” She stayed as she was and waited.

After a few moments, she opened her eyes and looked back and forth. She blinked. “Umm…” She got to her hand and knees and carefully peered out from her hiding place. She canned the wharf extensively in both directions. There was no sign or sound of her pursuer. She only heard the lapping of water against the hull of the boat, the low rumbling of boat’s engines and the faint noise of seagulls cawing high overhead. She sat down with her back against the cabin again and sighed. The next moment golden retriever’s face was right in hers, hanging down from above. A maniacal grin spread across his muzzle. “Heeeeer’s Johnny!”

The border collie screamed and jabbed into the other dog’s eyes with her thumbs.

He covered his eyes. “AAAAAAGH!”

The collie immediately clapped her hands over her mouth and gasped. “OOPS! I’m so sorry!”

The police officer fell off the top of the cabin and landed beside her. She scrambled to her feet and fled, leaping over the edge of the boat and onto the vessel docked next to it. The retriever stood, holding his hand over one eye. “Assaulting a police officer! Do you realize what you’ve just done? You are in trouble now! Oh you are in so much trouble!”

She called from the other boat. “I-I-I’m sorry! You surprised me! Please, I couldn’t help it!”

He ran towards her and leaped onto her boat. She jumped to the next boat down the row and to the next while he followed her, matching her every move. After boarding the fifth boat, the collie girl skidded to a halt at the edge. Ahead over her there was only open water and the distant horizon. She looked behind her and the retriever lunged at her. She dodged him and ran to one side of the cabin. The retriever ran to the other side to cut her off. She skidded, whirled, and ran in the other direction. He turned too and met her on the side she had run to. Gasping, she skidded and ran in the other direction again. The retriever followed running circles with her around the cabin.

After the sixth lap, the retriever lost his temper. “THAT’S ENOUGH! HOLD STILL!”

The collie girl ran to the boat’s metal mast and the police officer reached around the left side to grab her. She ducked to the right and then he reached for her on that side. Reaching around both sides at once, she grabbed both his arms and pulled him towards her, knocking his head hard against the mast.

As he stumbled back, dazed, she began climbing up the mast. The retriever recovered quickly and climbed after her. As they neared the top, the retriever grabbed her left ankle. “Get down here!” he yelled.

Wrapping her arms around the mast, she looked down at him and shook her head vigorously.

He started yanking on her ankle. “I said get down here!”

“No!”

“Get down here!”

“No!”

“Get down!”

“Nooooooo!” She wished desperately that her tail was just a little longer so that she could whack him with it. Looking up, she saw a flag attached to the top of the mast, waiving in the wind. Thinking quickly (or not thinking), she clutched the flag and tugged on it as hard as she could. It took several tugs but on the third try, the flag ripped from its place. She threw the flag over some rigging cables stretching from the mast to the deck and took hold of the flag’s hanging ends. She kicked at the police officer with her free foot. It landed once in his mouth and he gagged and spit out sand. Then her foot landed in his eyes. He yelled and let go of her to wipe the sand away. She winced. "Sorry!"

Once free, the collie girl propelled herself off the mast with her legs and used the flag do slide down the rigging. She rocketed over the boat’s open hold full of fish from a late morning’s catch, down to the deck. She landed among tangled fishing nets piled at the back of the vessel. She left the vessel and ran up the row of boats again heading back towards the wharf.

“Hey!” the retriever yelled. He took his handcuffs from his belt and put it them over the same rigging. Holding them by the cuff rings, he too began the ride towards the deck. Halfway down, as the salt air rushed passed his face he realized to his horror that his hands were slipping rapidly. All at once his hands slipped off and he was free falling. He landed in the middle of the pile of stinking fish and his head went under. Moments later he came back to the surface. He looked around and then swore and punched the fish in front of him. It’s tail end flew up and slapped him in the face. “OW!”

***

Panting profusely, the collie girl staggered across the sand of the beach once again. "Finally…lost him,” she said. “Need ice cream…so badly. Cruel, cruel sun." She approached a boy and a girl lion cubs with floaters on their small arms, sitting near the water’s edge, building a sand town with plastic buckets and shovels. Hardly realizing where she was going, the collie stepped right through the sand town.

The girl cub looked up at her with an indignant frown. “Hey! You smooshed Wal-Mart!”

The collie spoke without looking back. “Somebody had to slay the beast.”

Stopping for a moment, the collie girl spotted a public water fountain. She went to it and bent over, pressed the button on the side and stuck her tongue out to lap at the water. Nothing came out. She looked at the fountain and saw a sign on the front that said "out of order". She flopped herself down on top of the water fountain with her face in the bowl. "Aaaaaaagh!

The collie stood up slowly, walked to a palm tree and collapsed underneath it. She saw the heat wavering on the surface of the sand. She began to feel dizzy. Minutes passed. Her mouth wide open, a thin stream of saliva slid down her tongue, hanging lopsided from her lower jaw like a sticky red eel, and drip, drip, dripped into the sand below, making tiny craters among the granules as it fell. The landscape around her gradually became an indiscernible blur. Finally, she clenched her teeth together, climbed to her feet, balled her fists, and then shouted at the sky. "I can't take this anymore! This is so unfair!" She looked around. "I have to have some ice cream! It's time for desperate—and possibly pathetic measures."

She ran up to the first person she saw. He was a brown bear a little younger than herself, wearing an orange t-shirt and green trunks. "Hey buddy! Wait up!" she called.

He faced her as she ran up to him. "Huh?"

"Hey there! How’s it going?” She put her hands behind her back and smiled. “Um…I know you don't know me or anything, but I was just wondering…this is going to be kind of unusual and on the spot, I know but…could you spare me a dollar, please? I really, really need some ice cream right now."

The bear scoffed at her and moved on.

She frowned. "What?"

He looked at her over his shoulder.

"What? I just asked for one stinking—oh come on! I just want—what’s wrong with you? Did your daddy take your T-Bird away?” She threw up her hands. "Fine!" She turned around and promptly ran into a solid wall of body.

She stumbled back and then looked up into the face of a muscle-bound beach dude, a dashing, blue-eyed German shepherd. At first, he looked surprised and then he grinned. "Well hey there. How's it goin', babe?"

She gawked. "Uhh…"

"What do you say me and you go for a ride in my little Deuce Coup. I know this bar on the west side. Called Kokomo.” He snuck his arm around her back and encircled her, pulling her closer. “We’ll get there fast, and then we’ll take it slow. You don’t have to worry about ID, I got plenty.” He displayed to her a spread of driver’s licenses between his fingers.

She cleared her head and quickly pushed away from him. She sighed. "Yeah, yeah…look, I'm sure you're the heartthrob of the beach and all that but I really don't have time to drool over you. I have to conserve my liquids until I can get a nice, big, cold ice cream cone. I'm sure you can understand. Well, catch you later!" She pushed away from him, waved at him and trotted off.

She spotted a bobcat in sunglasses and sandals walking down a concrete walkway. She ran to him and touched his arm. "Excuse me, sir? Could you spare a dollar, please? Just one dollar?"

The bobcat batted her away and kept walking. "Get a job, ya mooch!"

She frowned and then yelled after him. "That was way uncalled for!"

Next, she ran to a black cat draped in thick gold chains and trinkets, coming up the walkway from the opposite direction. He carried a booming stereo in one hand. She grabbed him. "Sir, please, please! You have to help me!"

The cat jerked back and shielded himself with one hand. "Yo, yo, hands off the bling, fool!" he said.

The collie looked and found herself clutching a giant, sparkling dollar sign attached to a chain around his neck. "Oh…sorry about that." She let go and watched him pass. "Freak." She saw an older woman and called out to her. "Miss? Miss, can I have a moment of your time?"

The woman stopped and waited. She smiled cheerfully. "Sure, honey, what can I do for you?"

The collie trotted up. "Thanks so much. You’re a life saver, ma’am. Okay…here's the deal. Something terrible happened today—well I guess a lot of terrible things happened today, but mainly I had some ice cream earlier but I got nailed by an evil beach ball and I lost all the ice cream in the sand. I went back to the ice cream stand to get some more but I didn't have any money left. It's soooo hot today! Please, you gotta give me a dollar. Please! I need it so badly. Will you help me?"

The woman's' cheerful countenance suddenly changed and she put her hands on her hips. "Young lady! You should be ashamed of yourself. Begging on the beach. Tsk! Why when I was your age, I worked for every penny I got. Mind you, I never got many of them, but every one I did get was hard-earned. You young people, you have such a delusion of entitlement, always wanting things handed to you on a silver platter. You know there was once a saying, a pretty good one too: if you don’t work, you don’t eat. You young people could learn a lot from that kind of good old-fashioned wisdom. There was a time in history when one could be satisfied with—”

The collie girl just looked at her.

“Hello? Young lady, are you listening to me?

“Does what ever it is you just said mean ‘Yes, I’ll give you a dollar’?”

“No!”

“Um, I think we’re failing to communicate here.”

The older woman left with a huff and shaking her head. “Kids these days…”

The collie snapped her fingers. “Darn it.”

She saw another woman passing nearby, a gray fox with a baby in the crook of one arm and holding the hand of an older child walking along beside her. The collie’s heart swelled with hope. “Oh she looks like a nice person.” She clasped her hands together and closed her eyes tightly. "Please, please, please."

She came up behind the fox. "Excuse me, ma'am?" She grinned as the woman turned and noticed her. She knelt before the fox on one knee. "Ma'am you're my last hope. I just know you're a good and decent person willing to help someone in dire need. Could you find it in your heart to spare me one nice, crisp dollar bill? Oh please?"

The fox rolled her eyes. "Look, honey! I got seven hungry kids at home to feed, a lout husband who won't get a job, house payments, car payments, credit card debt through the roof, union dues and insurance payments. And besides all that, I don't even like you!" She stuck up her nose and left.

The collie stared after her. "Wow…I guess that puts my problem into perspective." She stood up, and then turned and ran into a wall of body again. The blue-eyed German Shepherd towered over her.

He caught her and looked down at her, grinning. "Aruba, Jamaica…ooh I wanna take ya.”

She pushed him away as hard as she could and made an about-face. "Grrrrrah! I said I don’t have time for—time—ime—ayah…ya…” she froze with her mouth open and then she smiled as an idea hit her. Slowly, she turned back to him. She put her hands behind her back and tilted her head. “So…ya like me, huh?” She sashayed up to him, pressed her body against his, and put her arm around his neck. She ran two fingers down his furry, sculpted chest. “I can be your best girl if you want. There’s just one condition.”

He put his hand in the small of her bare back and looked into her eyes. “And what’s that, babe?”

“Will you buy me some ice cream?”

The Shepherd drew back and looked at her like as if her face had just sprouted warts. “Are you kidding me? That costs like…money and stuff. Forget it.” He let go of her and walked off with a sullen look on his face. Another girl quickly caught his eye, (and I could give you lots of reasons why) a lithe ermine wearing a green string bikini. The shepherd’s face brightened again. “Ooh. Help, help me Rhonda.” He followed her down the beach.

The collie reached for him. “But…but…huh?” She stiffened up and balled her fists. “That is so lame! Yeah, well guess what? I got news for you, Hasslehoff! That’s just the way it is! Girls, we cost money! A lot of it!” She paused and then yelled again. “You didn’t hear that from me!”

He paid her no attention.

“That girl’s name could be McJubberfwabits for all you know!!” She turned away, pulling down on her ears and then let go. “Arrrgh! I would have been better off trying to be reasonable with Eric Von Zipper! My gosh, what is wrong with everybody? This is so unfair! …Do I keep saying that?”

She followed the walkway to a beachside surf shop with wooden Tiki figurines hanging in the windows. She sat down on a concrete ledge under an awning there, next to an empty paper cup.

The collie put her face into her hands. Soon, she sensed a shadow falling over her, heard some rustling, and then the shadow moved away. She looked up and saw a dollar bill stuffed into the mouth of the paper cup. She did a double take and gawked at the money. Then she covered her mouth to stifle a squeal. She grabbed up the dollar, jumped up and started hopping around in little circles. "Yes, yes, yes! Oh thank you! Thank you, mysterious money spirit!" She pressed the bill to her mouth and kissed it with vigor.

"Get a room!" someone yelled. She gave the person a sidelong glare. Then she smiled and looked out over the beach. She spotted several signs for ice cream stands. "Hold on, babies! Momma's coming!"

She heard a gasp and then someone collided with her. She fell forward and clutched at her precious dollar as it flew out of her hands. She caught it again and whirled to see who had struck her. There was a petite, middle-aged Dalmatian woman lying in the walkway, struggling to get up.

The collie girl put a hand over her mouth. "Oh! I'm so sorry!" She stuck the dollar into the back pocket of her shorts and knelt down next to the Dalmatian. "Here, give me your hand. I'll help you up." She took one of the woman's arms.

The Dalmatian, fumbled with her glasses, trying to put them back on. “No, no, honey. I wasn’t watching where I was going. It was my fault.”

“No, I’m pretty clumsy. I’m sure it must have been my fault somehow.”

The collie helped the woman to her feet and steadied her. “There, can you stand?”

“Oh yes, thank you. You’re such a sweet young lady.” She adjusted her glasses and gave the collie girl a good look. She smiled mischievously. “Oh I’ve defiantly made a good choice.”

“Ex-excuse me?”

“Oh you’re so sweet. You simply have to meet my son. He’s very friendly and easy to talk to. Handsome too. I’m sure you two would become fast friends. Oh please come and meet him.”

“But—“

The Dalmatian grabbed onto the arm that steadied her. She giggled. “Don’t be shy. Come on, he’s right over here!” She started pulling.

“But—ice cream!” The collie reached out to the confection stands as the Dalmatian dragged her off.”

“Huey has his rough edges but he really is a wonderful young man. You’ll see.” She called out. “Oh Huey? Oh Huey, dear?” She dragged the collie a little further and then she stopped. “Ah, honey, there you are. I want you to meet someone.”

The collie saw a teenage Dalmatian leaning against a motorcycle next to a burger joint. He had a giant, spiky mohawk haircut, dyed green. His ears and face were pierced full of metal studs and rings. He wore a black tee-shirt with a white skull on the front and he wore a pair of low-riding, baggy pants revealing a significant swath of his boxers and looking ready to fall to his ankles. The border collie stared. “Oh dear.”

“Look at her, Huey,” his mother said. “Isn’t she the sweetest thing? Come and say hello.”

Huey slapped his hand against his forehead. “Mom! I told you a million times, I don’t need you going around trying to find a girlfriend for me! Gosh, so embarrassing! Make her go away!”

The Dalmatian woman clasped her hands together. “Oh, but honey! I brought her all the way over here. Aren’t you picking up any good vibrations at all? You could at least try and talk to her.”

“Alright, alright!” He regarded the collie hesitantly. “Hi. My name’s Huey. What’s yours?”

The collie waved with her fingers. “Hi—hi there, Huey. Uh…Lisa Corelli. Pleased to meet you. Um…I hate to sound rude or anything but there’s this ice cream cone out there that’s got my name written all over it, see? It’s kind of my destiny, you know? Something that was just meant to be, you know what I mean? Like a spiritual connection, if you will. I have a dollar in my pocket, so I gotta just step over to one of these ice cream stands over here and—CATCH IT!” She saw her dollar fluttering in the air in front of her face. She grabbed at it but a gust of wind pulled it out of her reach. She jumped into the air and lunged for it. It fluttered up and over the roof of the burger joint. She bounded on all fours up some crates stacked against the wall, hopped onto the roof, and chased the dollar as the wind blew it over the edge again. She leapt off the roof after it and did a roll to break her fall when she landed. Then she sprang to her feet and chased the dollar down the beach.

Huey watched her, shielding his eyes from the sun. “Wow,” he said. “She’s got some moves.”

The collie jumped up and flailed at the runaway dollar. “Come back here, you—get back here!” She jumped and flailed at it again. “Oh no you don’t! Get—

She smacked straight into a palm tree and fell on her back. The entire world spun around her head in great dips and tumbles and she saw stars as she looked up at the sky. She spoke in a slurred voice. “Please Master Yoda can I be a Jedi too? Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, please? I’ma gonna stand on mah head!” Suddenly regaining her senses, she gasped and scrambled to a sitting position, she saw the dollar blowing out over the ocean. She gazed at it in dismay then she quickly looked about. She saw a spotted hyena talking to a lizard in front of a row of surfboards. The collie ran up, snatched a board, and dashed with it for the water.

The hyena whirled and grabbed at her. “HEY! Stop!” She raced across the beach without looking back.

The hyena scratched his head and looked at the lizard. “Dude, that chick took my board.”

The collie girl reached the edge of the water and stopped. Waves rolled in and retreated again, eroding away the white sand between her toes. She stared at the surfboard in her hands with a look of helplessness. “Well, there’s a first time for everything. Nothing to do but Step Into Liquid!” She sprinted out into the water, threw the board down, and jumped on top of it. She began paddling furiously with her arms towards her dollar, still in sight, riding on the wind. Sea spray flew up all about her fur, sparkling in the summer sun. As she moved farther out, the water started getting choppy and she struggled to keep control of the surfboard. She narrowed her eyes and kept them stubbornly on her prize.

The dollar became suspended in an updraft. “It’s the end of the line, Buddy!” She stretched her hand out towards it. Her arm didn’t even reach half way. “Yeah, just as soon as I figure out how to get up there! Then you’re really gonna get it!” She thought for a moment and then she looked at the surfboard. She pressed down on it to test its stability and then she looked at the dollar again. She began to carefully climb on top of the board till she got to her hands and knees and teetered there.

The wind shifted and started carrying her dollar back towards shore.

“Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no! I hate you!!” She flopped down on the board again and paddled. The water started to swell behind her and carry the surfboard upwards. She neared the dollar as the wave built and the she stood up on the board to reach for the dollar. The wind shifted again. She leaned sharply to the left, turning the board into the dollar’s new path. She looked down at her feet. “I’m…actually doing this! I can’t believe I’m actually doing this! It all seems kind of contrived if you ask me. Who writes this stuff?”

She traveled horizontally along the wave after the dollar. “Get…back…here!” She saw three surfers directly ahead. “Gah! Out of the way!” They looked just in time to see here zoom between them. The back of her board caught the front end of one of the surfer’s boards, spun him, and he slammed into the other surfer. They both tumbled into the ocean.

“Sorry!” the collie yelled over her shoulder.

The top of the wave crested over her head, creating a tube of crystal-blue water around her. She sped through it, the dollar never leaving her sight. There was another surfer in the tube ahead of her. The dollar fluttered next to his head. He kept his gaze on the path ahead of him, his eyes focused and determined. He saw an arm come reaching passed his face. He snapped his head around to see the collie girl directly alongside him, her cheek nearly touching his.

She glanced at him. “Don’t mind me, I’m just trying to get my dollar here.”

The surfer suddenly lost his balance, his board shot out from under him, and he vanished into the frothy sea. She exited the wave tube, fingers outstretched, the dollar nearly in her grasp. Then she felt a powerful jolt as she was hit from the side. She teetered and then spun her arms to keep balance. She looked and beheld the biggest, meanest looking gorilla she had ever seen. His shoulders and bulging neck were like boulders, his arms like tree trunks, and his chest muscles looked like they were wrought from steel. He wore a shark tooth necklace and swimming trunks with blazing flame graphics. The gorilla was clenching his teeth and glaring at her.

She returned his look with a fierce one of her own. “What? What do you want? This is my dollar, not yours!”

The gorilla pulled away and then rammed into her again. The collie girl kicked and knocked the gorilla’s legs out from under him. His eyes bugged out of his head before his bulk hit the water with a thunderous splash and then sank like a millstone.

She looked ahead and narrowed her eyes. “Nobody touches my dollar.” She opened her eyes wide again. “What? Where is it?” She noticed the beach rapidly approaching. “Whaoh!” She braced herself as her board glided in to shore and skidded on the sand before coming to a stop. She hopped off the board and stood up straight.

She was immediately ambushed by a throng of cheering people. The crowd pressed in around her as dozens of cameras flashed. A woman came and threw a lei wreath about her neck.

The collie blinked and stared. “Huh?”

A man’s voice blared over a loud speaker, “Wow, folks! Just wow! I can’t believe what I’ve seen here, folks! The mystery girl wins the Sunburn Beach Extreme Elimination Challenge! Even the Big Huhu himself was no match for her! Amazing!”

A towering golden trophy was brought through the crowd by two people and placed in the collie’s hands. She looked at it. “What—what the heck?” She spotted her dollar blowing by on the other side of the crowd, heading away. “Ice cream!” She dropped the trophy, threw off the wreath, and bolted for the runaway bill. The crowd drew back as she plowed through them.

“Wait!” the trophy carrier called. “Come back!” But the collie was quickly out of earshot. The trophy carrier turned to his companion. “Great. What are we going to do with the prize money now?”

The dollar fluttered over a small palm tree and settled on a palm frond. The collie ran up and halted in front of the tree. She stood there huffing and panting. Her breath came in ragged and there was a wild look in her eyes. She lifted a finger and pointed. “You…are in…so much trouble, mister! Hookay…let’s…just try to handle this civilly. Let’s make a deal, alright? If we can sit down face to face and try to understand each other like grownups, I’m sure we can solve this situation diplomatically. Now see, I’d like to get some ice cream real, real bad. I want it more than anything else in the whole wide world. It is so…freakin’…HOT! So if you let me catch you, I promise I’ll pick the most high-end ice cream stand I can find so you’ll be sure to have the nicest leather wallet to make your new home in. Sound good?”

The dollar didn’t say anything.

“Okay good. Stay right there. I’ll just…climb up here and pluck you right up.” She found handholds in the tree’s sectioned trunk and pulled up with her arms while pushing with her legs. Soon, she neared the top of the palm and reached towards the frond where the dollar sat.

A seagull landed on the palm frond, took the dollar in his beak, and flew off.

The collie stayed there frozen in place. Her left eyelid twitched spasmodically. She jumped to the ground and faced the seagull. “Big, BIG mistake, flyboy!” The seagull glided over the beach, heading towards an outcropping of rocky bluffs. He reached them, flew up over a ledge and out of sight.

The collie girl came to the bluff where the gull had disappeared and skidded to a halt. She looked up at the sheer rock face. Her ears drooped in dismay. She grabbed and pulled on them. “Aaaagh! You’ve got to be kidding me!” She put her forehead against the rock and hit it with her fist. “Maaaaan!”

She stayed like that for a few moments and then she stepped back from the bluff and looked towards the top. “Wait. I think…I think I know this. Orange County Fair, 2004. The Climbing Rock Wall.”

Her memory went back to when she was in sixth grade, standing before an artificial cliff face studded with multi-colored rubber knobs. A black Labrador in a red cap and a jacket helped her into a harness attached to a cable. The top was her prize. She had failed many times before, but she looked at the top now with resolute determination, her brow set and fierce.

She took hold of a knob above her head, found footholds and began climbing. Up and up she went, never taking her eyes off the glorious prize! Twice, she almost fell. Many times she felt like giving up but she pressed onward, beating her mind and body into submission, bending them to her will. Finally she pulled herself over the top of the rock wall and stood up tall and proud. She looked out over the fairgrounds and raised her arms in the air in glorious victory for all the world to see!

Bringing her mind back from such lofty and overblown heights, the collie refocused on the challenge before her. Cautiously, she placed one hand in a small nook. She searched the rock for another handhold. She found one and lifted herself until she could place her feet against the rock, she found a higher handhold, grabbed it, and pushed up with her legs. Inch by precarious inch, she felt for potential holds in the rock, carefully checked their stability, and continued her ascent.

About halfway to the top, her arms began to tremble under the exertion. She coughed and stopped the climb, breathing heavily. She reached up again but then the rock gave way under her other hand. Her feet shot out from under her. She screamed as she swung out from the face of the bluff on one hand. She pulled herself back in and scrambled to put her feet somewhere, but she only batted air. Then she found a foothold, took it, and clung to the bluff, panting with her arms and legs splayed out like a puppy sliding on ice. She slowly pulled her limbs back into position and looked over her shoulder at the ground twenty feet below.

She clamped her eyes shut and hugged the rock face for dear life. “Bad, bad, bad, bad Idea!” She looked up. She pressed her lips together and glared at the top edge of the bluff. She started climbing again.

Soon, Lisa was able to put her hand over the top. With a final strained yell, she hoisted her elbows up over the edge and rested there. She saw dozens of gull nests spread out before her. She sniffed the air. “Fi, fi, fo, fum. I smell cold, hard cash!” She sniffed again. “Or maybe that’s afternoon barbecue.” She spotted her dollar woven into the structure of a nest with the gull she’d chased sitting happily on top of it. “Hey, that’s my ice cream, not your nest! Give it!” The collie pulled the rest of her body onto the bluff, got to her knees in front of the nest, grabbed the gull by the neck and tossed it aside. She started pulling on the dollar bill. “Come…here, you!”

Her ears perked up at the sound of some commotion nearby. She saw dozens of yellow bird feet in her peripheral vision. She stopped pulling and looked to see herself completely surrounded by seagulls, standing there with their eyes fixed on her. She gulped. “Um…hi, guys. Uh…” She shrugged and put her palms up, grinning. “Say, what’s the deal with airline food?” Silence. “I guess you guys heard that one before?”

Flapping, screeching, scratching and pecking, gulls swarmed the collie. “Ow, stop it! Ow! I’m sorry I ever said anything about airline food! OW!”

She retreated to the edge of the bluff and started trying to climb down. The gulls didn’t relent. They pulled on her ears, her tail, and they pecked her black nose. They pulled out large tufts of fur, which flew everywhere. The collie scrambled backwards down the bluff face as fast as she could, crying out under the torment of the gulls the whole way.

Nearing the bottom, the collie slipped and lost her grip. She fell and landed on her backside with a thud. She got up and started running, batting at the seagulls, still chasing her. She tripped over a piece of driftwood and fell into the sand. “Ow!” The swarming gulls began leaving her and heading back to the bluff. One bird stayed behind to give her a last, spiteful peck on the nose and then he flew off. The collie girl sat up and watched the birds returning to their nests.

“Wait. I need…ooooh. But-but-but it’s not fair. Why? Why can’t I just have one dollar so I can get an ice cream cone?” Her eyes welled with tears that slowly overflowed and trickled down her muzzle. “Why is everybody being so mean to me?” She stood up sniffling and wiping the warm tears from her eyes.

***

The sun was sinking low on the horizon and turning the sky a brilliant orange. As the air grew dense and muggy, many beach-goers were packing up their things and loading their vehicles. The collie girl slowly made her way to a parking lot where she had left her bicycle. “Stupid ice cream, stupid dollar, stupid birds, stupid day.”

She passed a little rabbit girl holding her mother’s hand. She carried an ice cream cone of her own, licking it happily. The collie didn’t notice her. The rabbit kit stopped and lowered the cone to watch the canine go by, her mouth a little open and brown eyes wondering.

Lisa sat down on a bench at the edge of the parking lot. The Beach Boys sung Sloop John B played over the radio from someone’s open car door behind her:

“So hoist up the john b sail
See how the mainsail sets
Call for the captain ashore
“Let me go home
I wanna go home, yeah, yeah
I feel so broke up
I wanna go home”

She put her chin in her hand and stared at the ground. She sniffled and wiped away more tears.

A shadow fell over her. She looked up and the little rabbit girl was standing in front of her still holding her mother’s hand. “Please don’t be sad,” the kit said. Here, would you like some of my ice cream? You don’t have to cry.” She held it out to the collie.

Lisa met the kit’s eyes. “Huh? F…f-for me? A-are you serious?” Her eyes looked ready to well up again then she drew back. “Wait. That’s not booby-trapped or something, is it? It’s not going to mutilate me with a beach ball, try to arrest me, hit on me with horribly contrived pick-up lines, call me names, or peck my head?”

The girl looked confused. “Uh…no…I don’t think so.”

The collie gasped. “Are…are you an angel from heaven? Oh you’re the—the ultimate!” With a smile full of unsurpassed joy and relief, she reached to accept the outstretched cone. A hand cuff was slapped onto her wrist and clicked shut. The kit’s mother gasped.

The golden retriever police officer spoke up. “Okay there, Gidget, your Endless Summer has just wiped out!”

The little rabbit looked at the retriever and held her nose. “Ew, you smell like fish!”

He pulled the cuffed wrist behind the collie’s back, reached around, took her other wrist and cuffed both together. “You know, I really don’t understand you kids. I catch you trying to rob five year olds and then when I find you again, you’re right back to it! And right in front of her mother no less.”

The collie shook her head vigorously. “Wha—no, no, no, no—wait! I was—it—she was—she was giving it to me! She was going to let me have some!”

“A likely story. Save your breath.” He started pulling her, not at all gently.

The collie wailed. “But waaa-aaait! No—this isn’t faaair!”

***

Hands still cuffed behind her back, the collie girl waited on a couch in a crowded back room of police station. A crew of utility men behind her worked hard trying to repair the station’s broken down air conditioning system. Police officers walked about with damp cloths on the backs of their necks, with their shirts halfway unbuttoned and their ties loosened. Some fanned themselves with case files, their police hats, or anything else they could find.

The collie sat scowling, stewing and absolutely miserable. Presently, she heard some noise and she looked to see someone being brought into the room by two officers. To her surprise, it was none other Huey the Dalmatian with the matchmaking mother.

“What’s he in for?” a higher ranking officer said. He eyed Huey’s mohawk.

“Moondoggy here was caught shoplifting from local surf shops,” one of the officers holding him said.

“We’re backed up here. Put him with Gidget over there for now. Sounds like they’re made for each other.”

The officers led him to the couch, sat him down next the collie and then left. She stared at him as he took his seat. “It’s…you again. Small world?”

“Get around, round, round, I get around. And if it isn’t the Dollar Diva herself.”

“The—the what?”

“Yeah I saw you going after that cash. Man, you really wanted it too. Then you went out surfin’ for it and you ended up wiping out the whole competition! It was awesome. Everybody on the beach was watchin’ you.”

The blood rushed to her ears. “Oh…oh really?”

“Totally. Man, you were Riding Giants out there.”

“Moondoggy!” an approaching officer said. “Here’s your…” He cringed as if the words were painful to him. “…Ice cream. I hope you choke on it.” He handed Huey a chocolate covered vanilla ice cream bar and walked off.

“Awesome!” Huey took a generous bite.

The collie sat up and looked at it wide-eyed.

Huey grinned at her. “Check it out. It was so hot in this station that I threatened to sue them for emotional trauma if they didn’t get me some ice cream. You want some—?”

The collie lunged at the ice cream bar, took it in her mouth, and wharfed the whole thing down, leaving the Dalmatian staring at a bare popsicle stick. Seconds later, she yelled as excruciating pain stabbed into her forehead. She clenched her teeth and held her breath, and then she breathed out, panting.

Huey blinked. “Wow…you’re hardcore.”

Still squinting in pain, Lisa managed to look at him out of one eye and grin at him. “Moondoggy, that was the most wonderful, wonderful brainfreeze I’ve ever had. She leaned over to him and gave him the best kiss he had ever had. Chocolate-covered mouth and all.

F I N