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It's only a week and change late for 
poetigress 's Thursday Prompt, but this is a story that had to be written. Set just after Golden Proportions, Chris Lloyd and Goldie Markam each discover that the other is still suffering, in a very visible way, and could really use a good friend who has been there. What started as a random encounter, takes a big step toward becoming something more than a casual friendship.
Cameo by Howie!
poetigress 's Thursday Prompt, but this is a story that had to be written. Set just after Golden Proportions, Chris Lloyd and Goldie Markam each discover that the other is still suffering, in a very visible way, and could really use a good friend who has been there. What started as a random encounter, takes a big step toward becoming something more than a casual friendship.Cameo by Howie!
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 106px
File Size 5.7 kB
Nice story. Too bad it didn't appeal to me at all. Young half naked boys in a locker room... Yup... Nothing for me there. But, the basic atmosphere and message of the story is good, friends help you healing. I have a few notes about the story, though.
The first paragraphs narration is written in past tense, but the rest of the story is written in present tense. Is there a meaning in this, or is it just an error?
Another point: Time to time, Howie and Chris seem to discuss like Goldie wasn't there. Example; after Goldie kisses Chris. You tell he returns back to his locker, the others speak like he wasn't around anymore, but after a few lines he is taking part to the conversation again. This confused me. Maybe more narration would do good.
The last point: I know this is bit of a nitpicking, but as the rest of your story is so beautifully formatted, you have a newline every time a new action or speaker comes, except in this line:
'The retriever's ears perk, and his head whips around. "Mousey! What are you doing here?" Chris blushes, feeling his body react to the barely descent retriever. "I'm taking Aerobics." Goldie smiles and nods at him, "It will do you good. The scar...lets just say I learnt that sometimes backing down is the worst thing to do."'
It should be, if you follow the same layout as in the rest of the story:
'The retriever's ears perk, and his head whips around. "Mousey! What are you doing here?"
Chris blushes, feeling his body react to the barely descent retriever. "I'm taking Aerobics."
Goldie smiles and nods at him, "It will do you good. The scar...lets just say I learnt that sometimes backing down is the worst thing to do."'
Yeah... That was that. Sorry if you weren't after critique, but what can we do, it's a public site, critique will happen, whether we want it or not. Apart those three things, the story is just swell... although, it didn't really appeal to me. Maybe my points help you to polish this a bit, or take notice on them in the future.
Anyway! Nice story, there's good feeling in it, certain forward momentum, and the message is good.
The first paragraphs narration is written in past tense, but the rest of the story is written in present tense. Is there a meaning in this, or is it just an error?
Another point: Time to time, Howie and Chris seem to discuss like Goldie wasn't there. Example; after Goldie kisses Chris. You tell he returns back to his locker, the others speak like he wasn't around anymore, but after a few lines he is taking part to the conversation again. This confused me. Maybe more narration would do good.
The last point: I know this is bit of a nitpicking, but as the rest of your story is so beautifully formatted, you have a newline every time a new action or speaker comes, except in this line:
'The retriever's ears perk, and his head whips around. "Mousey! What are you doing here?" Chris blushes, feeling his body react to the barely descent retriever. "I'm taking Aerobics." Goldie smiles and nods at him, "It will do you good. The scar...lets just say I learnt that sometimes backing down is the worst thing to do."'
It should be, if you follow the same layout as in the rest of the story:
'The retriever's ears perk, and his head whips around. "Mousey! What are you doing here?"
Chris blushes, feeling his body react to the barely descent retriever. "I'm taking Aerobics."
Goldie smiles and nods at him, "It will do you good. The scar...lets just say I learnt that sometimes backing down is the worst thing to do."'
Yeah... That was that. Sorry if you weren't after critique, but what can we do, it's a public site, critique will happen, whether we want it or not. Apart those three things, the story is just swell... although, it didn't really appeal to me. Maybe my points help you to polish this a bit, or take notice on them in the future.
Anyway! Nice story, there's good feeling in it, certain forward momentum, and the message is good.
On the contrary, the whole reason I started participating in the Thursday Prompt is because my work badly needs some constructive criticism, so your comments are eagerly welcomed. It's also the main reason I've been so fustrated with myself for being unable to post anything for the past six weeks or so. I can't get feedback if I don't write anything.
I can give you a partial answer to some questions, now. The setting wasn't gratuituous, there was a ligitimate reason. The scar on Goldie's back is old enough, by the time of the narrative, that it's no longer casually visible, though his fur. With him soaking wet, on the other hand, Goldie's scar stands out enough that it can be seen from a couple of feet away.
As for most of the errors in gramar, they are entirely my fault. Most of this story is taken from an IM session, with
UniPrae , the introduction was written while I was neatening it up, and I didn't catch the fact that it was in a different tense. Obviously, I need to consult my 'Dummies Guide" again for the rules on starting new lines in conversation. On the matter of Howie and Chris talking like Goldie isn't there, I'll have to re-read this, after work and see if I can spot it.
I can give you a partial answer to some questions, now. The setting wasn't gratuituous, there was a ligitimate reason. The scar on Goldie's back is old enough, by the time of the narrative, that it's no longer casually visible, though his fur. With him soaking wet, on the other hand, Goldie's scar stands out enough that it can be seen from a couple of feet away.
As for most of the errors in gramar, they are entirely my fault. Most of this story is taken from an IM session, with
UniPrae , the introduction was written while I was neatening it up, and I didn't catch the fact that it was in a different tense. Obviously, I need to consult my 'Dummies Guide" again for the rules on starting new lines in conversation. On the matter of Howie and Chris talking like Goldie isn't there, I'll have to re-read this, after work and see if I can spot it. 
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