AJoIH: Chapter 2: Stuck in the Infinite Abyss
READ BEFORE YOU READ THE CHAPTER!!!!!Towards the end of the chapter the writing gets TERRIBLE!!!! I literally spent over the batter half of the last year to make it work and I couldn't, I had the idea in my head but everything seemed to clunky and blahze (hope I spelled that right) and I think I gave my self a few slight concussions from slamming my head on my desk so hard both at home and school where I did over 90% of all the work so far. So by anything to take away from the chapter is the point and what happens and not how it is portrayed.
I will also try to copy it directly in the description to make it easier to access just in case some people can't download it. So with out further a-do...Chapter 2
Stuck in the Infinite Abyss
Between Terra and Mars, July 18th, 2032 ADWe saw before us a small crack in the hull, broken wires and a leaking hydrogen tube. I stood there in fear not knowing what to do. After the initial dread got over us Mrs. Goering told me to get the tool kit that was in the lounge. As I approached the door there was a dim in the lights and a pop of the wires, my eyes widened and my heart jumped to my throat, then it happened. The electric sparks ignited the atomized hydrogen in the air and exploded, the force threw me out the double doors and against a wall where I hit my head. I grew dizzy and weary, I tried to stay conscious as blood gushed from my head and floated out in the hull of the ship. The explosion had forced the outer door to close. The whole ship rocked and the metal groaned as the fireball consumed the aft section and threw the ship around. The lights all around the ship went down and the rings stopped moving, there was a loud groan as the power died around the ship. There was a loud rush of air followed by the door slamming shut as the vacuum of space sucked it close. I passed out as the ship had spiraled out of control as it soared in an unpredictable path through the cosmos.
I came to several hours later, I was in the forward ring on one of the exam tables of the medical section. The rings have been restored to some extent as there wasn’t supplies floating everywhere. I looked around to see Chiyoko in the other room arguing with François, I propped myself into a sitting position with my legs over the side of the table. As I went to stand up I felt an immense pain in my right leg and I instantly fell to the floor grabbing my leg and couldn’t help but yell in pain. Chiyoko instantly came to my ade. She helped me up and onto the exam table.
“Erwin you shouldn’t be moving in your condition, lie down and rest.” I was able to catch my breath, I opened my eyes to see Chiyoko’s worried face. I was still in intense pain, but able to collect myself together and get a hold of the immediate situation.
“What… what happened, how long was I out, is everyone okay?” She went over to a small cabinet and took out a small bag of labeled medicines along with a pouch of water. She handed me a couple of pills and the water.
“Here, this should help the pain. I should probably go get the Commander to explain, I’ll be right back.” François looked at me with a snarling glare, I felt guilty, but as far as I know I didn’t do a thing, I don’t remember what had happened before the explosion. Chiyoko soon returned with the rest of the crew and some folding chairs.
“So Erwin obviously there has been an accident. We don’t exactly know how it happened, but somehow when you and Hugiherahta were in the back, there was a large explosion that destroyed nearly half of the entire aft section of the ship. When we got to the scene there was some small fires. You were floating and unconscious and had major burns all over your body and large pieces shrapnel in your leg,” I looked down at my body to see it almost completely covered in bandages, I didn’t even notice them when I woke up until now.
“The engines are completely gone and Hugiherahta is dead, she most likely died instantly in the explosion. For know we don’t know the complete extent of the damage but for know we have a handle on things, any questions?” I couldn’t speak, I was still trying to comprehend the fact that my teacher was dead and I’m the only person on board that can fix what is left of the ship and I can’t even stand.
“Erwin, can you hear me?” Surprisingly I could seeing what had happened.
“What do we do now?” There was an eerie silence for a few seconds before Sgt. Mitchell spoke up.
“Well that’s a bit of a problem.” Boris instantly interjected with a smartass remark.
“That’s putting it lightly, we’re screwed up the ass while being bound and gagged in the sex dungeon of Satan himself.” Mitchell glared at him before returning to his explanation.
“Right now saying we're between a rock and a hard place is saying we have a thousand options. The explosion damaged the radio transceiver and completely destroyed our engines. The only operating systems are life support, the rings, steering thrusters, and the forward landing modules. Basically we’re flying blind, deaf and paralyzed. Thankfully most of our water, food, and emergency components were undamaged in the bow. Currently our best option is continue on to Mars and hope that if we can slingshot our way around the planet we can gain enough momentum and send us back home. That or hope our radio silence causes concern and they send a rescue party, but that is highly unlikely. All we can truly do now is wait until your better and move on from there.”
500,000 Kilometers from Mars, Sol System
October 3rd, 2032 AD“Come on you bastard! Move!.. Fuck it. It won’t budge.” After 10 months of loneliness, sorrow and rationing what little we have, we have nearly reached our destination, Mars. At time time we were trying to open a hatch to one of the landing modules to get what we can from it before ejecting it off.
“Erwin, let someone else try, you’re only working on one leg. It’s okay if you need help.” I let go of the crow bar we were using to pry it open, the lock would move but not the hatch. In about late July we were well underway with minor repairs, lights, ventilation, monitors, and all other more important subsystems.
“Go try and look at the comms again, maybe if you…” before she could finish I lost it.
“FUCK IT! NO! I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS ANY FUCKING MORE! I WAS DOING FINE BACK ON EARTH BUT NO I DECIDED TO TRY AND DO SOMETHING GOOD WITH MY LIFE AND HELP OTHERS! AND WHERE HAS IT GOTTEN ME?! 90 MILLION MILES FROM HOME IN A TIN CAN WITH A FRENCH FUCK WHO HATES ME JUST BECAUSE MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER WAS A HIGH NAZI OFFICIAL! A COMMUNIST WHOSE GOVERNMENT COULD’VE STARTED WORLD WAR 3! A WOMEN WHOSE ACCENT IS SO THICK NO ONE CAN FUCKING UNDERSTAND HER! A FUCKING BROKEN LEG THAT CAN’T EVEN FUCKING MOVE! AND ALL OF THIS BECAUSE MY TEACHER PULLED A FEW STRINGS SO I CAN GET INTO FUCKING SPACE AND WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE GET FOR IT, KILLED! AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF WE MIGHT NOT EVEN GET BACK HOME AND WE MIGHT STARVE TO DEATH IF THE SHIP DOESN’T FUCKING EXPLODE AGAIN OR MAYBE GET SHOT TO OBLIVION IF THAT LETTER I GOT WAS TRUE! OR EVEN BETTER YET WE MIGHT JUST DIE QUICKLY IF WE JUST CRASH INTO THAT FUCKING RED ROCK! SO FUCK IT! WE’RE FUCKING SCREWED!” I took a deep sigh. “I just want to go home, what did I do to deserve this? I'm sorry I just… I... there's no excuse for that. I'm gonna go and try to get some rest.”
A Few Hours Later
October 3rd, 2032 A.D. A loud scream broke the silence of the ship, we got out of our bunks and headed towards the source, it was Patricia holding another crew member, I looked over to see it was David. I put my hand on her shoulder and in an instant she turned and hit me in the face.
“Oh my god Erwin I thought you were François.” I got up and was holding my nose it’s okay. What happened?”
"François, he was working in the botany lab and then just took a beaker and broke it grabbed a shard of glass and starting chasing us. We almost got away but he stabbed David in the throat.” Her voice by now was quivering and tears were running down her face and started floating as they left. I once again put my hand on her shoulder and gave her a hug.
“Are you okay? Did he hurt you? Do you know where he is?” She nodded her head and pointed towards the command module. Sergeant Mitchell pushed me aside.
“If he gets to the command module he can kill us all. Let’s go. Boris you come with me, Erwin and Chiyoko stay here and help Patricia”. They went towards the module. After a while a loud yell of pain was heard from the module, I headed forward to see Boris had been stabbed and was bleeding out heavily as Mitchell was trying to keep pressure on his wound.
“Eins, zwei, drei, vier, can you find me if hear? For when the night turns to day, the Horizons’ crew shall pay. The little nazi in our midst, has made this Frenchman very pissed. For when the clock does strikes nine, the little German he shall die.” Boris let out a massive scream that hurt our ears in the tight space.
“Francios what do you want with me?” The silence was eerie and my question was left unanswered. Someone brushed up against me, I turned around and swung a punch that hit the control panel sending out small sparks and badly cut my hand. “Fuck! That hurt.” Shortly after a small scuffle was heard with some grunting, shortly followed by another. I heard Sergeant Mitchell voice break the silence.
“Erwin? Please tell me you're still there.”
“Yeah, I’m here, are you okay? Can you open the door?”
“Let me find the lights and we’ll get out of here.” The door lock made a chunk as it opened and a small amount of light was let in. “Alright let’s get out of…” His sentence was cut short as Francois ambushed us. He had a large bloody shard of glass that he was trying to stab Mitchell with. I came in and clung on to his back trying to pull him away, he started to try and hit me with the glass. I couldn’t do anything effective with my legs or hands so I shifted my head to his left side and bit his neck. He let out an animalistic cry as he stapped Mitchell in the chest and used that to push him across the module. We hit the other side and he let go of the glass and we got separated and the glass went flying out of the module. I realized I was next to the emergency exit. I held on the only thing I could which was a small fire extinguisher and I pulled the lever. The door slid open as air rushed out of the ship. The glass shard came flying towards me like an invisible bullet and lodged itself deep into my left shoulder. As soon as he was out I lifted the lever and the door slammed shut. Surprisingly everyone else was still in as they were far enough they couldn’t make it all the way to the door. I went over and turned on the lights, when I heard Sergeant Mitchell.
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A bit old, seems you wanted to switch this to a possible comic format than writing. Still, least I can do for a vet. I like the hard science it helps ground things. The plot, especially chapter one with the reveal of extraterrestrials and the threat to the crew really snaps stuff along. Good first person work too.
Most of the critique is small mechanical stuff. Make sure to spell out numbers smaller than 1,000. For example Twenty one instead of 20. Don't capitalize for people shouting, that is what the ! is for.
Plenty of room for more environment and character description too.
Make sure to break down paragraphs further, mostly in chapter one. Every change in character leading action creates a new paragraph.
Yeah, this chapter needs a natural end. It just cuts off. Either a final action or dialogue. We are left with "heard Sergeant Mitchell." The entire thing could be reinforced a bit too as plot sections are often short and could be further explored with crew action and reaction instead of the dialogue chains. The most living scene The the first paragraph A loud scream. However, this is old and seems like you have chosen a different medium, but still good to think on things.
Most of the critique is small mechanical stuff. Make sure to spell out numbers smaller than 1,000. For example Twenty one instead of 20. Don't capitalize for people shouting, that is what the ! is for.
Plenty of room for more environment and character description too.
Make sure to break down paragraphs further, mostly in chapter one. Every change in character leading action creates a new paragraph.
Yeah, this chapter needs a natural end. It just cuts off. Either a final action or dialogue. We are left with "heard Sergeant Mitchell." The entire thing could be reinforced a bit too as plot sections are often short and could be further explored with crew action and reaction instead of the dialogue chains. The most living scene The the first paragraph A loud scream. However, this is old and seems like you have chosen a different medium, but still good to think on things.
Yeah this is REALLY old and doesn't capture my current writing abilities, this was done years ago in highschool way before I enlisted. But currently I'm redoing the whole thing and as I write I get pages of the graphic novel done at the pace the artist can do. So this and Chp1 are basically no longer canon, it will still follow the same general plot points but differs in the details, best way I can describe it is if you look at the original and new designs of the Horizon on my page, they have the same general layout and shape but the new one is much more detailed and thought out.
The biggest problem even today as I rework it is the actual travel between Earth and Mars, it's nearly 7 months and it's basically just set schedules and tasks with not a whole lot that can be focused on for crew interaction which makes time jumps sort of needed to not overfill the body with useless "they get up, work, do science, eat, go back to sleep" 9,000 times
But thanks for the criticism, 2017 me would've needed to hear it.
The biggest problem even today as I rework it is the actual travel between Earth and Mars, it's nearly 7 months and it's basically just set schedules and tasks with not a whole lot that can be focused on for crew interaction which makes time jumps sort of needed to not overfill the body with useless "they get up, work, do science, eat, go back to sleep" 9,000 times
But thanks for the criticism, 2017 me would've needed to hear it.
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