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Kerfuffle has developed a system compatible with this ancient Earthian technology, which will let us collectively log reports. That said, you can largely thank me, I’m that cool. Anyway, you all know the rules, log anything important here.
—Lt. Smiley out!

Chapter Fifteen: The Base is Under Attack—Again!

With Cedric having left, the rest of us herded into the kitchen for dinner. Spork was still in a bad mood, but it kept its grumbling to itself and didn’t take it out on us. It fished through some of the cupboards and found plates and other eating utensils.
Big globs of crusty, burnt cat food were set on each, a utensil of varying type jabbed through the center. I got the feeling that this was probably what Spork felt like doing to one of us right then. I tried to shake the thought out of my mind as I found a place around the table and poked at the cold atrocity.
With faint hope, I glanced at the others; wishing one of them would test the stuff before I did. They seemed to be hesitating as much as I was though. None of us were convinced that it wasn’t deadly.
I moved some of the charcoal flakes so that I could see some of the food that wasn’t scorched in black.
“What? What’s wrong?” Spork snapped. It was shoveling the former cat food into its mouth and swallowing with slight difficulty. Furthermore it seemed totally unfazed by the taste and texture.
“Nothing’s wrong, I—”
A scream interrupted my response. Before I had a chance to react, Cedric burst through his front door and slammed it shut. Cedric did not often move in a rapid fashion. Curious, I went to check it out.
“What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong? What’s Wrong?”
“Mhm.”
Spork was inside the kitchen, so it seemed highly unlikely that it could have been outside at the same time.
“There’s a monster outside.”
Still, the only “monster” I could think of was Spork.
“A plant, it’s alive.”
Kerfuffle curiously poked its head out to see what the upset was about. Spork didn’t bother.
I crossed my arms and shook my head, “Don’t be silly Cedric, only cactuses are alive.”
I tried to reach past him to open the door, but he blocked it.
“Smiley, I’m serious. It had a mouth…and eyes and legs.”
Just about then there were a few thumps against the kitchen window followed by the shatter of glass. My tail frazzled and fluffed. Cedric gasped and held his breath. Kerfuffle ran by us into the other room.
I could definitely hear some commotion. Then a flop and skitter of feet followed by a slight hiss. From around the corner appeared a vaguely flower shaped face. It was yellow with a few rows of eyes, a jagged mouth and a forked tongue. Around its head were several slightly lavender tinted petals.
It let out a delighted screech and plunged onward, spindly body and large leafy limbs flailing. Its tail—similar to a fin—unfurled to help it stop before crashing into me, or that’s what the purpose was. It failed and we both tumbled.
Cedric screamed. A lot. The plant monster screeched again wagged its tail and licked at me with its tickly little forked tongue.
“Plant!” I hugged it. “How did you get here?”
Plant’s mouth opened wide then it rocked back on its hind legs, slouched and stared, flicking its tongue.
“Oh, it doesn’t matter!”
Cedric was still screaming. Plant glanced at him and growled.
“You shush.” I tapped its head and picked up the spindly creature. It rumbled and made delighted little gurgles.
“Cedric, this is my pet—Plant!”
Plant was an alien too, although, as its name suggested, it was a plant. Their appearances could change dramatically in a very short time span and they had mastered the art of disguise quite well. Cedric didn’t appreciate the uniqueness of the creature though. He kept his distance. He had run out of scream, but none the less seemed rather distraught.
“Plant, this is Cedric. He’s a Human.”
“Hooooman.” Plant repeated in its usual high pitched, gurgly voice. It squeaked at Cedric and reached towards him.
Cedric predictably pulled away. Plant whimpered and curled itself into a ball. I frowned at my poor pet and stroked a few of its leaves comfortingly.
Cedric jumped again. Another knock on the door. As if the first occurrence hadn’t been an odd enough way to kick off the late evening, now we had a second. The latest added a greater deal of oddity since the chances that it would happen twice, on the same night, to Cedric of all people, was next to none. Plus that made two oddities in one day; first he had visitors and now this.
“Uh…who is it?”
“I got this, Cedric.” I reached for the door but he slapped my paw. I gave him a soft mew and let my various facial features fall into a pitiful little frown of sadness.
“You’re an alien, I don’t think so.”
“Oh. Right.” Setting the sadness aside, I retreated some while Cedric approached the door.
A little to my surprise and I’m sure to Cedric’s as well, there was a horrible scratching noise and then the sound of wood splintering. The door. Our protection.
“Spork save meeee!” I shrieked.
Plant scurried after me with shrill squeals. It had no idea what we were excited about, but it wanted in on the fun.
The door was looking less sturdy every moment. Cedric began to retreat. Another knock. This was like a scary movie or something. Me and my Human pal curled up near the farthest corner where we could still see the door. Cedric had long forgotten his fear of Plant. We were all huddled together.
The door groaned and squeaked. Scrape, scrape, scrape. Scrape, scrape, scrape. My fur was fluffed out to maximum capacity. Cedric’s head fur seemed incapable of fluffing out on command, but he looked equally intimidated.
Then, from the kitchen, a hero emerged. Spork sauntered out, a plate still in one paw, and looked in our direction. I could tell it was about to ask why I had called it when another series of scrape, scrape scrapes started up. Spork’s ears lowered as the short fur along the back of its head began to spike up, looking something like the tiniest mohawk ever.
“Spork save us!” I whined pointlessly and indicated the door where the scraping was still taking place. Spork approached it fearlessly and readied its paw for combat as the door flew open. I hid my face briefly behind my own paws. When my vision cleared, I saw a green creature in front of Spork.
It was significantly shorter and had elongated ears—almost like thick, round earth bunny ears, but solid and green. Two sets of thin, long tentacles twined behind each and others extended from somewhere behind on its back. Its eyes were flat, orange glowing circles that rested near the base of two flaps which lay over the top of its head and ended a bit beyond where normal eyes would find themselves.
The individual was wearing an outfit very similar to our standard army fatigues—army green shirt and pants with lighter accents on the outer torso and inner thighs. It also wore a set of black boots. In addition to this regular gear, it had black knee pads, a utility belt with storage pockets and a jacket in almost the same green color as the fatigues. A set of dogtags dangled from around its neck and a pair of heavy duty, fingerless gloves in a mixture of orange and gray with black trim covered most of its paws and forearms.
“Cheeseburger! Hi, hi!” I called and bounded past Spork. “We’ve been looking all over for you!”
“Likewise, Commander.” Cheeseburger replied.
Cheeseburger never gets excited, not about anything, so that was probably the best I’d get. I was okay with that.
“Kerfuffle’s communication equipment got left behind in favor of a lunch box.” Spork interjected. “We need to establish contact with Headquarters. What can you do?”
Good ‘ol Spork, always there to ruin special occasions. Like being reunited after forever.
“Communication isn’t my departme—”
“Make it your department.”
Cheeseburger nodded its head, eyes unblinking. “Yes, Corporal. I’ll start work immediately.”
“Good.”
That said, Spork returned to the kitchen from which it had come.
I looked to Cheeseburger.
“So how did you find the house and know it was us?”
Cheeseburger pointed at Plant who had made itself right at home in an empty pot planter. How said planter had gotten there I haven’t a clue. “It has superior tracking skill.”
My radar equipment picked up the faint sound of rustling somewhere outside and stood at attention.
“Oh, right, I brought someone else with me.”
Cheeseburger entered the house—Spork hadn’t even let it get through earlier before complaining. A dark shadow emerged in the doorway—solid, dusky black. I watched as the hunched figure rose…and rose. It was at least another two heads taller than me and Cheeseburger. Its eyes—or rather eye disguise—appeared as two yellow starbursts, and drool was stringing from its jagged mouth. Its head quickly turned, scanning back and forth across the room.
“Spork gone?”
“Yeah.” I mewed. “Spork grumped off.”
Cloudy. Another unit in my crew. This ‘deviv was timid to the max, especially if Spork was around. The two had some history together which I guess hadn’t settled well with it.
Cloudy lowered itself down to a crouch, ears perked up and twitching beneath its hoodie. It looked both ways and then scurried inside—most likely to find a place to hide.
“We’re still missing a lot.” I told Cheeseburger as we walked. It nodded in the usual calm, collected way it had a habit of. “Where should I work?”
That was a good question…a really good question. That’s when I remembered Cedric.
“Oh Cheeseburger! Come meet my Human, he’ll direct ya!”
Cheeseburger looked puzzled but nodded.
Cedric had gone back into the kitchen to see about the damage Plant had caused. He was mumbling to himself, something about the cost of the window and not having that kind of money to dedicate to such. Spork and Hearts were in the kitchen as well, but neither were paying attention to Cedric or us.
We approached Cedric and I introduce Cheeseburger. Cedric held out a hand, hesitantly, which Cheeseburger shook with a tentacle. Cedric looked even less pleased. Weird Human. It was just a tentacle. Cedric was kind of rude to other species; he needed to work on that.
“Cheeseburger needs a place to work so it can set up communication back home.”
“I thought it was the fluffy fellow who handles—”
“That was earlier Cedric. Get with the times,” I meowed, “we have Cheeseburger now, and Plant!”
I picked up the planter that my pet had crawled in and held it out. Plant gurgled at Cedric and reached happily. He retreated once again.
“I thought you were staying here.”
“That was before I could get home!” An ear twitched. “You understand, right? I mean— ”
“No, yeah I understand. You have to complete your mission.”
“Annd you don’t like my friends much anyway.”
“Fair point.”
Cheeseburger had been staring silently the whole time. Watching, observing, really why did it do that? It was kind of creepy.
“Does it ever blink?” Cedric asked as he leaned over.
“No, sir. My eyes are covered by skin-flaps that prevent the need to blink due to environmental conditions.”
“Where are your…normal eyes?”
That was actually something I had no clue about in regards to Cheeseburger. Did it even have normal eyes?
“Yeah, why did they put those things on you?”
“They’re natural.” Cheeseburger indicated and demonstrated by raising one up. A dark eye with orange pupil rested beneath it. Cedric squirmed uncomfortably by the sight. “My natural eyes are right below them and can see through these semi-transparent orange rings.” It laid the skin-flap back down while Cedric made many faces.
Cheeseburger always sounded really intellectual…intellectual and boring. The kind of guy who would give you a long recommendation of why it did not advise a given action and thus ruin the spontaneous fun of it. It was a nice ‘deviv, don’t get me wrong, but just…not fun.
A guy who develops weapons and machines and stuff should be more exciting. Like lasers in both paws, rolling under blast shield doors and reassembling them in record time and—
“About the working quarters, Sir…”
“Oh. Right.” Cedric replied, “Let’s see, uh, you can follow me.”
“Ah, thank you, S5ir.” Cheeseburger followed behind Cedric and I decided I would as well. Needed to make sure Cheeseburger wasn’t getting quality deserving of well, me. But no, it seemed to be some kind of storage room. Granted, Cedric had a tendency to use a good majority of the house as storage rooms rather than finish furnishing anything to look like a proper, presentable room.
“You can move whatever you need to, just please don’t break anything.”
“Of course, Sir.”
“I’d appreciate if you’d do the same, Smiley. I don’t actually own this place; it belongs to a friend of the family. I’m just—”
“You have FRIENDS?”
“YES. I—”
“They must not like you very much.”
“They like me just fine! And they’ll like me more if I keep their house in a similar condition to what it started as.”
“Do they ever talk to you?” I questioned further.
“Well, no, but that’s not important.”
Me and Cheeseburger exchanged a glance. Or well, as close to a glance as Cheeseburger was capable of. We were all quiet for a few moments then Cedric spoke.
“Well, I’ll leave you two here just…please be careful.”
“Thank you, Sir.” Cheeseburger nodded.
“Oh Cedric! There’s one more thing.” I called, “Cloudy’s here too.”
“Cloudy?” He turned back to look at us. “Who’s Cloudy?”
“Oh. Dark kitty, kinda tall, jagged smile, drools a lot.”
Cedric frowned.
“Cloudy is shy, Sir,” Cheeseburger added, “It shouldn’t give you any trouble.”
“Don’t startle it,” I mewed, “and you should be fine.”
“And startling will cause…?”
“Cloudy eats people. Bad habit I suppose.”
“WHAT?”
Cheeseburger seemed to be thinking, after a moment it stated, “If it’s any consolation, Sir, it hasn’t eaten any of your species that I’m aware of.”
Cedric’s shoulders slumped forward. “Oh. Erm…thanks Cheeseburger…”
“Welcome, Sir.”
“You could always stay around Spork.” I pointed out, “Cloudy doesn’t like Spork.”
“Spork doesn’t like me.” Cedric replied.
“Spork doesn’t like anyone, Sir.” Cheeseburger clarified.
“So I’ve gathered.” Cedric mumbled, “Well…I’ll try not to get eaten.
Plant popped up about then and hissed happily. Yes, happily. It has different kinds of hisses. Cedric scowled.
“And keep that thing away from me.”
“Aye, aye, Captain!”