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Chapter Ten: Scout Crews Scout

“Today my crew, we are on a mission. A mission of finding…ness.”
“Reconnaissance.” Spork corrected.
“YES. That too.”
I was out with my partial crew again. Hearts was with us this time. We had decided—well actually Spork had decided—that it was better off with us than unguarded at Cedric’s house.
Personally I think it still would have been better off with us regardless to if Cedric was there or not. Cedric wasn’t exactly the picture of strength and vigor. He was more like the before picture for insta-buff products like manly smelling shampoo and protein shakes!
On the other paw, here we had Spork—the ideal model for the magazine cover which advertises such products save for the fact it was an alien. Minor setback for the Earthian sales industry.
Anyway, setting. Walking down the street that was fairly clear of Humans. It was an overcast day. Grayish dark sky, damp ground; I could almost feel it weighing down on my furry tail. I had started out in the lead, but it seemed Spork had taken that spot up when I had paused to turn a newspaper over in hopes of finding my crew there. Unfortunately, all that was under it was sidewalk. I already had enough sidewalk though so I set the damp newspaper back down.
Hearts was up by Spork, although it would stray off to splash in a puddle every now and then. I thought that was kind of dumb since our footwear isn’t really waterproof. What if its paws froze off or worse yet…
“Hey, Rookie, I wouldn’t jump in puddles.”
Hearts’ ears perked up as it turned a pair of bright green eyes in my direction.
“Why come?” It asked, head tilted backwards as it walked. It was a wonder it didn’t fall over.
“’Cause you’ll freeze.” Kittens could be so dumb. “Or worse. You could end up looking like Spork. All your fur will fall off.”
Hearts gave Spork a long look, still wide-eyed. I couldn’t blame it; Spork was a frightening sight—especially with the lack of fur. I noticed with a purr of satisfaction, that it avoided the next puddle it came across with a cautious glance at Spork as if the magical combination of being near both a puddle and Spork would transform it into a furless monster instantly.
“I have fur.”
My ears perked up. Spork had finally responded, although way after the initial comment.
“You don’t look very furry.” I replied.
It didn’t respond. Guess it knew I had won.
Oh yeah, to get you on the same page here, me and the other two were hunting for the rest of the crew, Spork had the day off from Earthian school, and I guess Hearts did too. It was currently midday although from the overcast sky it was hard to tell, we hadn’t found anyone yet, but Spork had been determined to push forward.
I watched as Hearts walked tip-toe amongst the puddles and sodden papers. It had made a game out of avoiding the dangers of the streets. Had Spork not been around I might have considered joining in actually. It seemed fun, erm, useful, as practice for not tripping alarms I mean.
It had to have been at least ten minutes from the time we had discussed Spork’s fur or lack thereof. We had walked down at least a pawful of streets from that point. We had also dropped the conversation entirely, but Spork? Not so.
“It’s just short,” It mumbled.
So there you have it. Spork had no idea how to have a proper conversation. I could only stare at the creature, well, the back of its head anyway. Overall the sight was not that interesting and seeing how Spork was covered in skin-flaps with illusionary eyes which I liked no better than its tail…I decided to redirect my gaze and change the subject.
“Why are we even looking for them here? If I were them I wouldn’t stay outside.”
“We don’t have any other options.”
I sighed, slouching forward and letting my tail hang down. It was hard to walk in such a manner because I couldn’t see what was ahead of me.
I decided to move up closer to the others since they weren’t noticing me. Spork still paid no attention to me and Hearts was too busy humming to hear anyone. Being ignored hadn’t stopped me before; I simply moved in front of them and slowed my pace to a crawl. They were sure to notice this.
Nope. The nerve. Spork promptly stepped dead on in the center of my tail. I squalled naturally. My tail was a precious and delicate appendage.
Spork’s ears perked up. It looked almost surprised that I had spun around hissing and yowling. It removed its foot from the middle of my tail then its expression returned to its normal glare.
“Well then hurry up or get behind me,” It snapped and walked around me.
How rude!
“Excuuuuuse me for placing my tail in your path then!”
“Apology accepted. Don’t do it again or I may remove it.”
I glared. Sometimes Spork was such a—nevermind. Spork was unpleasant.
Fine, it could be that way. See if I talked to it. Dumb Qwuedeviv with its dumb brain and dumb short fur and long tail.
“Don’t give me that look.”
My ears perked up, then went down. Spork can see with the eyes on its tail. Creepy but true fact unfortunately. I had almost forgotten about it until that last remark. Not wanting to get myself hurt in addition to all else, I fell back a few paces.
I didn’t have high hopes for this whole endeavor. My crew could be anywhere, although chances were that we were within the same city. But this city was massive, so the chances we’d just happen to stumble across them was slim to none. Spork normally didn’t operate with such odds.
“I’m bored.”
“Deal with it.”
“And my feet hurt.”
“Tough.”
I huffed. Spork was such a pushy, unfair meanie. If their commander fell they would be leaderless. Then how would they go on? That was something they had not thought out very well.
The distant rumble of thunder faintly vibrated the sensitive radar equipment mounted on my head—my ears—as we continued along down back alleys and dreary even more run down looking streets. Not a single crew unit was in sight and after what felt to be an eternity I had grown hungry and cold. Even with my luxurious fur coat the cold was seeping through my uniform. Even Hearts looked worn out—the little bundle of energy.
Spork was oblivious; no doubt its aquatic genes showing, figuratively of course, not literally. I don’t think you can see genes. If you can I’ve never seen any and it’s probably a question better suited for a medic. Not our medic though because it would tell you logical sounding lies to make you sound dumb in front of your friends. The point was the rest of us weren’t aquatic Qwuedeviv and thus rather hated these current conditions.
“Spork.” I whined, huddling my tail close as a bit of added insulation.
Spork stopped and turned to look at us, pathetic bundles of shivering fluff, unprotected in the frosty chill. The tip of its muzzle twitched and the two long skin-flap sensors on its head stood up, twisting and wriggling all about in different directions. It was determining the weather no doubt—something the rest of us had already done without setting out to.
Aquatics were generally far less daunted by the prospect of the cold since they hung out in water a lot. Those of us who were common Qwuedeviv, although by far tougher than any tropical, had a more realistic perception of the environment.
“Huh.” It commented.
Huh can mean any number of things. Huh, for Spork, usually means it has just realized it has made an oversight and has no intention of doing anything remotely close to admitting it. Over the years I’ve started picking up on what a lot of Spork’s one word responses mean.
I took a chance. “Can we go home now? I’m freezing from ear to tail.”
“Me too.” Hearts put in, ruffling its pink fur up against the cold.
Spork tilted its head to one side. It didn’t look upset which was a good start, just, intrigued as if the prospect of needing shelter and the inability to just be all hardcore in any situation was foreign to it. Come to think of it, it probably really was foreign. I can’t imagine Spork ever stopped because its feet were cold or its tail had froze.
“I suppose.” It commented after awhile. “You two can go back, I’ll keep looking.”
I didn’t have to be told twice. This was one of the rare times I was willing to listen, even if Spork was technically a lower rank than me. Hearts was more than happy to comply as well, switching its allegiance in following to me.
I flicked my tail to the side and led the way back towards home at a rapid pace. Hearts moved swiftly at my side, just a muzzle’s length behind me. It was actually my first time one on one with the kitten since we had arrived on Earth. It seemed to spend more time around Spork than me. It sort of made me wonder if it saw Spork as the commander rather than me. I didn’t ask. Some things were better left unconfirmed.
“Spork is overzealous.” I commented.
Hearts didn’t seem to understand what I was even saying; only looking to acknowledge I had spoken.
“Aren’t scout crews supposed to scout?”
I carefully navigated around some shallow puddles of water. “To an extent, but we don’t usually scout to find the crew.”
“Most commanders don’t lose their crews on arrival though, right?”
I clenched my teeth together, stopping abruptly mid step. Hearts was staring at me with clear innocence. It had no idea what it had just indicated. That made it really hard to be mad at it rightfully.
“…right…” I finally replied. “Maybe we shouldn’t say any more words. I need to think of complicated commanderly things.”
“Oh.” Hearts looked disappointed; its stubby kitten tail drooped. “Okay.”
With the furbrained cadet taken care of for the moment, I tried to gather what my original thought had been. The one about Spork and being overzealous. It really was overzealous. Overenthusiastic. Whatever you want to call it. Spork seemed to have a one track mind that we needed to find the others. For what purpose? Spork and I could take over Earth on our own. Spork was, after all, the main attack force we possessed, and I was the commander—what better combo could one ask for?
All the same, I hoped it found the rest of the crew. Not for sentimental reasons and certainly not so it could rant about how inadequate I had been, but because if it did, that made my life significantly easier. I could avoid future walks in this awful city that Cedric called home. I could focus on more important things like invading!
We finally arrived home. Hearts immediately raced ahead and went straight for the sofa. Kittens. Didn’t they teach them any respect for commanders anymore? I let it keep part of the sofa, although I took over a larger portion of it. Hearts didn’t seem to mind though and curled up in a blanket.
Yet another day with poor results. If things carried on like this we would be looking for the other crew units forever. I doubted that was a good use of time and resources. My resources—like my feet, where getting pretty tired of trying to find our additional resources.
It seemed like it was at least a few more hours before Spork came back. It grumbled and shuffled along, shaking its thin fur at the door, I guess so it wouldn’t track water all over the house.
I yawned and half raised myself up from where I had curled on the sofa. “Any luck?”
“No.” Short and brisk.
“What if we don’t find anyone? How long are we gonna keep looking?”
“We’ve only been on a few different patrols.”
“But they’re tiring, and each time we go out there we risk getting caught.”
Of course my main motivation was not wanting to do it, but more creative answers about things being bad ideas often worked better when dealing with Spork.
“They’re your crew. As commander it is your responsibility to keep looking for them.”
“It should be my responsibility to make decisions how I want to.” I replied and crossed my arms. “To move on if I don’t see it doing any good.”
Hearts, who was half awake by this point, frowned and Spork stared in that relentless, intimidating fashion it had mastered so well.
“And you really think leaving them behind is for the best?”
“Yes.”
“They wouldn’t be gone to begin with if you had just done what you were supposed to. You’re a bad commander.”
“You can’t say that.” I glared. “Talking like that to a superior is practically treason.”
“Not when it’s true.” It growled. “And besides, you aren’t a commander, you just have a title.”
I could only glare. There wasn’t a whole lot one could say to that. Spork should’ve kept its opinions to itself more often.
“Earn the title and maybe I’ll reconsider.” It walked past me, off to the garage where it had made its home. It was always in there now—working out, planning stuff, usually being boring and grumpish. It worked out better for those of us in the house though since we could get to and from most places without disturbing it.
At the moment, I hoped it stayed down there for a good while. It should think about what it had said and reconsider. Its charges and claims were far off base. It definitely needed to work that out.
I flopped on the sofa. Hearts gazed at me for a few moments then snuggled itself up with its tail wrapped around its huddled form.
What did we really need the others for anyway? Licorice was a tactical advisor. We could figure out tactics on our own. Pokeyoo and Q were medics but no one needed or wanted medical attention. Cheeseburger built stuff. So that could be handy maybe but we’d be okay. Then we had our communications officer, helpful but we’d manage. The rest we didn’t need at all. Stealth unit, demolitions expert, information security.
I scrolled through a few channels with very little interest. If Spork would stop holding me back I could’ve just implemented my own plan—the takeover Earth and become its sole and supreme ruler. Then we’d already have a plan and wouldn’t need to consult all the others. I’d make my own army. I’d conquer by myself. I didn’t even really need Spork. It was getting in my way after all.
“Lieutenant.”
“Ah!” I hopped from the sofa and just about came out of my fur. “I didn’t mean it! I mean…wait. I didn’t even say—”
Spork was staring at me with that skeptical look it gets that seems to challenge your intelligence without a single word. “I don’t have the patience for your stupidity right now,” it grumbled, “What were our orders prior to launch?”
“Orders…orders.” I held a paw to my chin and thought. “Oh! To conquer Earth.”
“That seems like a strange directive.” Spork grumbled with its usual negative attitude.
“It’s not strange! What’s so strange? So they want me to take over the planet and be its boss!”
“Crew 52 is a scout crew.”
“Which is why we are observing these Human test subjects in their natural habitat, so that we may know of this delicate earth-man-flower before we crush it beneath the soles of our Qwuedeviv iron boots!” I clenched my fists and leaned forward, tail swishing.
Spork grumbled and shook its head again. It was being overcritical as usual. That display of leaderly power in a single motivational speech that I had just displayed was really impressive.
“This isn’t a game.” Spork declared as it rounded the sofa, turned off the TV and pushed me back against the sofa with two fingers. “The lives of a dozen Qwuedeviv rest in your paws.”
“YES. Isn’t it cool?”
“It’s a responsibility. One I personally don’t think you’re ready for.”
I crossed my arms and folded my ears down.
“You don’t know what our objective is, you don’t know where our crew is, you failed to plan before we left and now you want to leave them all behind for the sake of your own convenience. You want to be a commander so bad, why don’t you act like one?”
I opened my mouth to reply, but Spork stormed off towards the garage so quickly that I didn’t have the chance to.